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    Old 02-07-2009, 06:44 PM   #1
    elatedgiraffe
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    Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    I've gone through break ups before but it feels like for some reason each break-up is harder and harder on me. I'm starting to wonder if there is something "wrong with me" or I'm obsessive or something?? Are these feelings normal?? I know they seem normal to me but as time goes on and I can't seem to get a grip I'm concerned that what I'm going through is not the normal????????

    Its been almost 4 months and I still cry about him, us, etc. at least a couple times a week.

    Sometimes I still cry myself too sleep.

    Hes STILL all I think about, dream about, last thing I think before I sleep and the first thing when I wake.

    I check his internet networking site at least once a day even though its on private; just to see his mood and status??? And I can't seem to stop even knowing that it causes more pain and hurt (I found out hes seeing someone this way)...Why would I keep torturing myself? I know its a simple "don't check it"...but its like crack, or maybe I'm obsessed???

    I'm driving myself insane thinking over and over and over things that were said, things that should have been done differently

    Hes already told all his friends and family that I am a psycho and I'm starting to beleive it myself.

    I have NO interest to date anyone, I tried right after the break-up and it did not work well for me at all.....I hate men right now and am starting to think I will never like men again. I have no desire for them...my trust is completely ruined.

    So I know to try new hobbies, stay busy blah blah...but I also have been out of work for 10 months and suffer from depression as well. It has got so bad I am tempted to go back on anti-depressants for awhile.
    I dont have insurance so I went to the local health dept for help and they gave me a counselor, but shes not very knowledgable at all.

    I'm really starting to feel like Im loosing my sanity. My life is falling apart and I have this sick mentality that if my life fell apart enough he would come back and rescue me (I KNOW he won't); or maybe I am punishing myself because I do blame myself for pushing him away??????

    Again, Ive been through break ups before but I am having severe obsessive thinking over this man.....Is this normal?????? When does it stop???????
    I've talked to friends and some say this is normal but nobody understands my head is racing 24/7 about this man and I feel immobile.

    The whole world has moved on and I've stood still since Nov. Its like winter passed and its almost spring and I have a hard time grasping reality these days. I'm just an observer and so lonely and so depressed.

    And I dont want to get with someone else because I think thats been my problem and I'm trying to do something different this time around and stay outta a relationship until Im done being miserable...but Im thinking I wont ever not be miserable.

    Are these normal break-up emotions??

    Help!

     
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    Old 02-07-2009, 08:38 PM   #2
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time EG. I don't know if I would call your reactions "normal" but then again, what is normal? We all deal with it in our own ways. If you can find a way to get back on your anti-depressants for a while, I think maybe you should consider it.

    I absolutley HATE how the word "psycho" has become so popular for young men to use to describe some girl they messed over when she doesn't just conveniently disappear into the woodwork like they want her to. The guy sounds like a jerk, and don't buy into that. You have the right to feel whatever it is you're feeling. It's how you ACT on those feelings that matters.

    And I don't believe time alone heals anything. NOre does being busy. While you do have to get busy with the business of getting back to your life and adjusting to being single again and building a life you're proud of, you can't use busy work, classes, hobbies, etc. to run from the emotional work that now needs to be done. You ahve to face the pain, figure out where it's coming from and why, and deal with it, work through it and get rid of it.

    It's been 11 years for me since my bad break up, and I still cry myself to sleep at least 2 nights a week. I couldn't even get out of bed except to drag myself to work for the first four months, so I think you should give yourself a bit of a break there. As far as the things like checking his networking site and stuff, I think it's a conscious decision you have to make. Ask yourself, do I really want to be that girl? That borderline stalker that people are afraid of? If the answer is no, then you make the decision not to be that girl, and to not do the things that girl does. Unless you're suffering from some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder, it is something you can choose to do or not do. It's aout making the choice of who you want to be at this point in your life, how do you want to get through this. I recommend grace and dignity. After 11 years of hindsight, the thing I regret the most is not fighting harder for him, not pushing him away by simply being who I was at the time. The think I regret the most is not being good enough to myself to get through it with more dignity. I regret the one time I drove by his house. I regret the note I left on his windshield. I regret the wasted energy I spent feeling mad and hurt and betrayed and angry and sad. Because none of it changes anything. But how you treat yourself and handle yourself through this will be what sticks with you. It's not necessary to get OVER him at this point. I think it's much more important to get THROUGH this hard time, get through this transition of being part of a couple to being single again, to adjusting to your new future, which will no longer include him. He's not really the most important part of this process, when you look at it objectively.

    Hang in there and concentrate on NOT throwing away everything you have in your life that you've worked so hard for over some jerk who doesn't deserve one more of your tears, and concentrate on being good to yourself. I also went through the self loathing thing too, blaming myself for killing my dream, chasing him away and killing any love he may have felt for me, and therefor feeling I didn't deserve to treat myself well or to be kind to myself. But then I decided to look at it this way - I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time. Yes, I made mistakes, and maybe those mistakes helped end the relationship. But in that case, it wasn't the relationship I was supposed to have anyway, but rather the lessons I learned from having lost it. The lessons were what I was supposed to have, so I made sure I learned them and kept them. hindsight will help you see that there were probably very good reasons why this relationship ended and in the end you wouldn't have been happy in the long run with this guy. Hang tough and good luck to you.

     
    Old 02-08-2009, 03:08 AM   #3
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Larrylou-
    Thanks for the support and some great advice. I guess everyone does handle a break up differently especially depending on whats going on around them too at the time of the break up. I think thats why this one is so difficult to get through because so much other things in my life are not good right now either.

    And you are right about so many men calling their ex's "psycho". I guess I should not take it personally. Its hard when I too have done things and thought things that are so not "in the norm" for me. I mean after talking to some guy friends it sounds like for most men, the ex is classified as "crazy". I think it is just there way not to be accountable for anything wrong they did in the relationship. The relaionship had so much drama I don't think any woman would have surived it without coming out on the other end labeled as "crazy". Yes we have control of our actions, but at the same time, I think some people purposely get under your skin, push those buttons and take advantage of your vunerability to boost their own ego while brusing yours.

    I just have to keep truckin' along one day at a time. And I'm going to try my hardest NOT to check his site anymore. I know it does not do me any good.


     
    Old 02-08-2009, 04:35 PM   #4
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    its could be normal for a little while, and the longer it goes on the more normal it will become. STOP doing it and force yourself to do something else, make a concious decision to stop torturing yourself. What was it that was so great about this guy anyway? What did you like about him? What didn't you like about him. Think about it logically, make a list if you have to. Sometimes that helps you sort things out.

     
    Old 02-08-2009, 07:59 PM   #5
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Dear Elated.
    I am so sorry you are going through this. How long were the two of you together? I think everyone is different and I fully understand how you feel. I try to think that he's probably moved on with his life. For me, it's been almost three weeks. I'm usually up early in the morning but layed in bed until noon and didn't even get out of my pj's today. You try to go on with the motions of life but it's hard because he takes up your thoughts. You think of what you would like to go back and change, but you can't.
    This Valentines Day will be really difficult as it would have been my fifth anniversary with him. What funny is the last night we were together he still talked about meeting me for the first time, he remembers what I wore and every vivid detail of that night as do I.
    I spoke to him last week and asked him to meet me for a drink that night. There are some things I need to say to him face to face. He said he would think about it and call me on Tuesday or Wednesday. Honestly, I don't think he will.
    I think the fact that you've been out of work is also just giving you too much time to think. I'm fortunate enough to be working during the day but the weekends are a killer for me as that is usually the time we would spend together.
    Have you had any contact with him since the breakup? I know it is very, very hard. I don't think friends or family understand and sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

     
    Old 02-09-2009, 08:50 AM   #6
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    you know in some ways, i can relate to you. its also been 4 months for me since my break up. im not really interested in dating anyone, and i think about him all the time. i dont know if hes who i think about when i wake up, usually my kittens distract me, but i know before i go to bed i think about him. i have actually had dreams about him every night for a week. i hate it. anyways... my point is you are not alone. i too am having a hard time moving forward after 4 months after the break up, i still wonder what could i have done different. although, i have not acted out on it. so you can feel this way, and just not act on these feelings. what helped me, was blocking his numbers (which i unblocked a few times, and reblocked so even that isnt promising but it DOES help)
    there was only 1 time where i acted like a crazy girl... and since then i havent even wanted to speak to him. he influences me to be someone i am not.. he just brings out the pyscho side of me- literally. now. it wasnt like that during the relationship, just towards the end when i was fed up with him. i didnt talk to him for like 2-3 months then randomly one day i found myself being drawn back to him.. and i unblocked his number. we tried to be friends, then one night i went insane... first thing the next morning i blocked his number again. havent talk to him since. it was bad news.

    he also has another girlfriend, although he started dating her the week we broke up. i can say that was probably the most painful thing to accept, and i still havent accepted it. it literally makes me sick to my stomach thinking about him with her.. and sometimes it makes me sad.
    i am also guilty of checking his networking site, although not near as much as before. i will catch myself checking it maybe once a week... and his girlfriends once every 2 weeks. just to see... and i dont need to be doing that. i have improved though because i used to check it like 6 times a day. i was obsessive... although he still didnt know it!!!

    one thing i can suggest, is allow yourself to think about him. dont let it be painful.. not stuff like how could you have changed, think about just the relationship. the good, and the bad. remind yourself that he wasnt perfect, and that everything happens for a reason.
    i too agree that break ups get harder after each one... which can make one afraid of love, but your heart will mend. its been a SLOW process for the both of us... believe me. you just have to remind yourself that there is somebody out there, who wont make you feel that way.

     
    Old 02-09-2009, 07:29 PM   #7
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sillysilly_ goose View Post
    i too agree that break ups get harder after each one... which can make one afraid of love, but your heart will mend. its been a SLOW process for the both of us... believe me. you just have to remind yourself that there is somebody out there, who wont make you feel that way.
    I sure hope so.

    Some things happened today that I think brought me some closure. And Im hoping that things get somewhat better from here out.

    I know exactly what you mean about someone bringing the worst out in you

    I just really am so through with it all right now and focusing on my faith to get me through this hard time.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 01:47 PM   #8
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Good. I noticed that when I talk about things, I seem to understand it better and It always helps me to vent on here.. maybe that will help you to.

    Goodluck

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 01:57 PM   #9
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    i know how you feel i have just come out of a 19 year relationship and you made me feel normal especialy with the blocking and then unblocking of the phone. it sure does take time it has been 4 months but everyday gets better. i force my self to do stuff sometimes especialy exercise but now i have my sneakers by my bed and i make my self walk or ride my bike. i also hit alcohol hard to blot it all out that doesn't work either. take one day as it comes. try not to take on more than you feel like and spend time just for you... when you think about it. it's a part of most peoples lives and you just get through it. good luck and come on here, it does help to vent

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 02:06 PM   #10
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    yes i also took up alcohol pretty bad... DO NOT do that to yourself though EG

    im not drinking like i use to, and very happy that it was just a phase... although i do enjoy my alcohol
    EG you can excersize... find some videos to do at home in your room if you dont wanna make a trip to the gym. I really enjoy Barry's BC
    i can do it at home and its just over all conveinent

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 02:53 AM   #11
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Yes I know alcohol does not help. Been there done that. I think for me its not even so much I really want him back, but rather the "why doesn't he want me back?"

    So unhealthy.

    So I am learning and focusing on me because whether a man wants to be with me or not is not a reflection on me, but rather something going on with them. I am working on loving myself!!! Its slowly working and so long overdue.

    I spent a few hours on the phone with a girlfriend of mine really going into detail on how so much me and him were not compatable.

    And I know if I got back with him, even if he actually wanted too...within a few weeks I would be miserable because he did not make me as happy I deserved. So much drama in his life....

    Its just some sick thing of wanting him to want me. Its nothing more than that and that helps me focus on the reality of it, thats an issue within myself and has nothing to do with him.

    Its a done deal....and its going to be ok. I think once my head clears I will have such better focus and won't deal with any disrespect from a man. I had a big heart, just didn't watch my boundries..

    And although I feel like I pushed him away, I actually did do that...but there was a reason for it. I think if he was the right guy for me I would not have freaked on him and pushed him away.

    Its like I loved him and wanted so bad for it to be right, but it wasn't and I was torturing myself.

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 08:37 AM   #12
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe View Post
    ... I think for me its not even so much I really want him back, but rather the "why doesn't he want me back?"

    So unhealthy.

    ...
    I think this is a most important and insightful realization for you, difficult and humiliating as it may seem. At least, you clearly are not suffering from any "sour grapes" syndrome. I guess you are on the road towards healing.

    Anyway I was trying to find a word for that - not that I am obsessive about words lol, but sometimes a word helps you identify an ongoing problem/pattern, doesn't it? ... Maybe - I am not sure if the term is too harsh, but hopefully not; anyway I'd like you to hear it as neutrally as possible - that had to do with being coquettish: you craved his love/attention rather than him as a person?

    You surely were doing it unconsciously.

    It's great that you are now focussing on yourself, trying to love yourself better, but it'd be equally serious for you to consider:

    * A relationship should be like an exchange (you can not only give or only take) and can often be like a seesaw (sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down)

    ** A break-up is usually the act of both parties (even if one of the parties denies it)

    *** Everyone suffers with a break-up (even when one of the parties seems to have moved on too quickly)

    **** Nobody can boast and say they have no problems in their life. Deny it as you may, but in any relationship, you'll also be asked directly or not to help the other carry their cross for a while, and vice-versa.

     
    Old 02-14-2009, 12:33 AM   #13
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    Re: Are these feelings since the break-up normal?

    Go ahead and buy yourself the book "Why Men Marry *******". You'll see after reading this book most guys, when they are cruel in the end are just realizing 1 or 2 things- 1- you are not that into them so they're protecting themselves...and/or 2- they're just testing you bc they Do love you- to see if you have a backbone (buy the book).

    One thing that helped me out of a recent break up is feeling the pain of a really mean thing he said to me. i had him on this pedastal of being really nice (just my experience this go round) and the minute i felt the pain (i mean real crying from the heart) i suddenly REMEMBERED ALL THE REASONS I DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH him. here's a little example:

    small penis (he he)
    girly *** (lol)
    nasally voice
    nerdy demeanor
    not a Man
    too skinny
    too pale
    too red heady for me (sorry- not my thing)

    Now those are just the superficial things

    Here are some other problems:
    he's a sex addict cloaked as a Christian (nothing worse than hypcoritcal christians!)
    his parents are unnattractive both in demeanor and physicality (there goes that superficial part of me, again
    they're just sort of dead
    his family is SO boring and i felt like, with a personality, i stood out (to say the least)
    did i mention small pee pee
    he is actually superficial- going for being the Man with the biggest house on the block sorta thing instead of reall being a Man- needs models around him (though never gets em te he) to make him feel good, you know the drill..

    you dont have to dig deep to remember why you didnt want him in the first place...and that's the best part - realize that You manifested this break up bc deep down you didnt want him. you even manifested (maybe even prayed for!) the girl who he's screwing over now or sometime in the future! to get him out of your hair so you could meet a real prince who would sweep you off your feet and satisfy you- both mentally, emotionally and...physically

     
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