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  • Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

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    Old 02-20-2009, 02:16 AM   #46
    happymom28
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Where do you factor into this relationship? Everything out of her mouth his about her. Her needs, her feelings, what she is comfortable with. It's pathetic on her part really.

    I agree with (Rose was it?) that you should turn the tables and tell her that if she can't grow up (because she is acting like a spoiled child) then you are breaking up with her! Her behavior is RIDICULOUS!!!

    I get this impression that you did not sign on for this kind of one sided relationship where your feelings are an after thought. I really hope you stick to your guns here and do what is right for you. She is clearly not the girl for you. The question is, how much longer are you going to go on pretending she is.

    BTW, with the calling your mom thing, I am leaning towards Red's synopsis of borderline psycho. Normal people don't tattle on their 30 year old boyfriend.

     
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    Old 02-20-2009, 06:53 AM   #47
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    thank you for the encouragement everyone. We talked for over 2 hours on teh phone last night. We argued some, she cried some, she got mad some, but I never gave in.

    When she started crying it was really hard for me to not give in though...she would say things like...I just don't ever want to go anywhere without you, and it hurts my feelings that you would want to go places without me. I don't have any friends, I'm going to be so lonely without you! What am I supposed to do all weekend!? When I suggested that maybe she visit her family this weekend, she said she couldn't b/c she needed to study for a test. When I asked her why she couldn't study for her test at her parents place she said...you just don't understand, I don't study when I'm at home, I can't study when I'm at home.

    When we first started dating she was friends with a bunch of guys and a few girls. After we started dating all those people disappeared. I don't know if they quit talking to her, or if she quit talking to them. I encouraged her to continue hanging out with her friends, but for whatever reason, she didn't.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:04 AM   #48
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tubular View Post
    thank you for the encouragement everyone. We talked for over 2 hours on teh phone last night. We argued some, she cried some, she got mad some, but I never gave in.

    When she started crying it was really hard for me to not give in though...she would say things like...I just don't ever want to go anywhere without you, and it hurts my feelings that you would want to go places without me. I don't have any friends, I'm going to be so lonely without you! What am I supposed to do all weekend!? When I suggested that maybe she visit her family this weekend, she said she couldn't b/c she needed to study for a test. When I asked her why she couldn't study for her test at her parents place she said...you just don't understand, I don't study when I'm at home, I can't study when I'm at home.

    When we first started dating she was friends with a bunch of guys and a few girls. After we started dating all those people disappeared. I don't know if they quit talking to her, or if she quit talking to them. I encouraged her to continue hanging out with her friends, but for whatever reason, she didn't.
    Ii use to be like your girlfriend but with time I realized in addition to having a boyfriend, I needed to pursue my own life with my own friends.

    She is like this because she is co-dependent on you...She needs to build her own life in addition to the one she has with you.

    That's what the problem is here.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:13 AM   #49
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    She really needs to get a life. I mean, she needs her own friends and her own life apart from you. It's totally NOT your fault that she has no friends. She lost those friends all on her own. For her to make you her entire social circle is to her own detriment. Please don't let her manipulate you like this just because she had the lack of foresight to keep friends around even though she started dating you!

    And I can't believe she called your mom. What an idiot. I hope you read her the riot act over that! I would tell her that this type of behavior is also grounds for breakup, along with her being an insecure little spoiled child, among other things.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:25 AM   #50
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenhearted83 View Post
    Ii use to be like your girlfriend but with time I realized in addition to having a boyfriend, I needed to pursue my own life with my own friends.
    She is like this because she is co-dependent on you...She needs to build her own life in addition to the one she has with you.
    That's what the problem is here.
    I was too, though not quite as dramatic as your gf, and not to the full extent. I still let him do what he wanted and I still had friends, but at the same time, he was pretty much my entire life. What I wrote in my last post was based on my own experience. However, I was also only 17... How old is your gf?

    Last edited by deardaisy; 02-20-2009 at 07:26 AM.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:35 AM   #51
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Yeah, I told her that her talking to my mom about stuff was way over the line and that I would never call her mother and talk bad about her friends. She started crying and saying she was sorry and that she didn't intend to tell her all that stuff but it just sorta came out when they were talking. My god it's hard to listen to her cry and apologize about things...

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:37 AM   #52
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tubular View Post
    Yeah, I told her that her talking to my mom about stuff was way over the line and that I would never call her mother and talk bad about her friends. She started crying and saying she was sorry and that she didn't intend to tell her all that stuff but it just sorta came out when they were talking. My god it's hard to listen to her cry and apologize about things...
    yes it's hard, she's working on you......that's how manipulation works.....don't cave

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:44 AM   #53
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    deardaisy, my gf is 26.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:45 AM   #54
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    her being an insecure little spoiled child
    She sounds quite young and inexperienced. I was too. But I didn't know any different. Sounds selfish and yes indeed it is but she's more insecure than selfish....And it isn't a malicious thing being insecure.

    Tubular...how about having a chat with her about how not right this situation is. Tell her you love her but you need to have your own life as she does too. Suggest she takes up a new hobby and finds new friends. I would try to help her...but may be this can only happen when she wants to, and when she thinks this is unreasonable. I remember I thought my behavior was reasonable but it wasn't. It was only after the relationship ended did I take a step back and realize how engrossed I was....and that it wasn't healthy for me. Though to be fair I wouldn't have called my boyfriend's mum about something so...not serious.....

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:46 AM   #55
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Do you know her history of her past relationships? Did she act the same way with them? Has she just jumped from one relationship to the next, not letting herself take time to grow and learn, perhaps carrying "baggage"?

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 07:47 AM   #56
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    yes it's hard, she's working on you......that's how manipulation works.....don't cave
    I agree don't cave in but also encourage her with her own life, her own hobbys and friends.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 08:15 AM   #57
    Tubular
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    broken: I've tried to tell her she needs to have some hobbies, and develop some close female friendships. She tells me that she doesn't have money for hobbies and I can't remember her excuse for not attempting to befriend anyone new.

    Her longest friend is a strange girl that doesn't like to leave her house much. My gf is upset with this girl and says shes going to stop talking to her b/c she never wants to go do anything. Her other longest friend is a guy who is in the military and got married a couple years back. She doesn't talk to him but maybe twice a year. I know she would like to have more contact with him and his wife as they are both very nice people, but he is very busy and always traveling with his job. She met a new girl that she has slowly started becoming friends with but it's going slow, I guess b/c she spends so much time with me? I don't know.

    Last night one of her points of anger was that I had told her I would take her to N.O. and that she has been asking me for years to go to N.O.

    While it is true that she has been asking for us to go to N.O. for a few years, and recently I did tell her I would take her, I never gave her a date or time. I believe the only thing I ever said was, "now that my friend is back in town, we can stay with him when we go down." Just an acknowledgment that we would go at some point in the future.

    I never anticipated my friends putting together a "guys" trip so quickly. My friend just moved back there at the end of January!

    I fully intended on taking my gf to N.O. at a later date when it would be a little less crowded and maybe more couples oriented. Now she says "well you can forget that, I will never go to N.O. with you now!"

    This was something I felt like I needed to say to you guys to make sure you had the full story. She didn't bring this up until last night and this morning. Does it change your opinion of the matter any?

    Anyway, in the years we have been together we have been to the beach countless times, Hawaii once (to visit her friend in the military), Washington, Bahamas, Colorado...all sorts of traveling. I feel like I have gone and done plenty with her to not be b*tched at about me wanting to go out of town with some friends for 1 weekend.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 08:18 AM   #58
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tubular View Post
    I fully intended on taking my gf to N.O. at a later date when it would be a little less crowded and maybe more couples oriented. Now she says "well you can forget that, I will never go to N.O. with you now!"
    T.
    How old did you say this person is? My 7-year-old granddaughter said something very similar to her father quite recently LOL.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 08:22 AM   #59
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    I totally called this one! That she would say that if you really loved her you wouldn't even WANT to go. And since you won't give in, she is punishing you by saying she won't go with you now.

    She is 26??? How has she been allowed to get away with acting like a spoiled 3 year old for so long? There must have been some signs.

    Don't let the crocodile tears fool you. She has found that tears help her get her own way. Apparently so do tantrums & threats.

    Are you going to give in? It sounds dangerously like her tears & apologies & threats may be working. If you give in now, you are faced with a future that includes her and NO ONE else. No friends, no family. Just her. And her tantrums.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 08:25 AM   #60
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    She is 26. Should it be that big of a deal that I told her I would take her sometime, but I am going with my friends first? I felt like it should have been ok as long as I still held my promise to take her. Maybe I'm off base here?

    She told me that she talked to several people and they all agreed with her that she had a right to be upset about me going if I had already told her I would take her. I could agree with this p.o.v. if I had promised to take her this weekend and then I up and changed my mind and said...nevermind, I'm going with just my friends. We never made any plans to go visit him, it was just mentioned in passing in a random conversation one day around new years when I first learned from my friend that he was in plans to move back.

    I hope this part isn't confusing...basically

    In random conversation with my gf over new years I told her we could go to N.O. sometime and stay with my friend.
    Weeks later my friends say they are getting a guys trip up to visit him and they want me to go.


    Hey Redneon, I am still going. I know this will weigh heavy on my mind while I'm there, but I hope I can still have fun!

    Last edited by Tubular; 02-20-2009 at 08:30 AM.

     
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