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    Old 02-25-2009, 05:01 PM   #1
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    What's the point?

    Hi everyone.
    My name's David, I'm 15 years old.
    I suffer from a few mental illnesses; Depersonalization Disorder (DPD) and De-realization, Generalized anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, and I'm starting to think some sort of melancholic depression as well. This all started with depersonalization, and from that, everything else just sprouted.

    I'm sitting here with my emotions leaking out of my eyes. I feel hopeless, I feel alone, I feel so much. I'll get more into it in a bit. Most importantly, I don't feel there is a reason why I would want to live anymore. Living with all of this on my back is NOT living. My life is being wasted by the second and I can never get these seconds back and that scares and depresses me so much. Lets put that aside for now, though. I have other problems that just eat me alive. I'll break it down for you.

    What are the most important things in my life, I ask myself. Well, basically it is;
    Music (I'm a serious musician) *if I get to perform and share it with more people
    Family (sometimes)
    and my beloved girlfriend.
    Other than that, I have nothing, and I CARE about nothing. Other than that, I do not want anything to do with the world. Other than that, I'm just a person with no purpose.

    Music is my one escape from reality. Music keeps me alive more than anything, and is my most effective way of describing my raw emotion. I play piano, guitar, keyboard, bass, drums, violin, clarinet, flute alto sax, cello, viola and I sometimes like to sing. I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be popular. I want to be able to perform and share my compositions with people. My depersonalization and anxiety ruin this for me.
    I used to love being in front of a crowd. I used to be very extroverted, and loved the attention. Whether it was oral presentations or an artsy performance such as my music, I would enjoy it the most in the world when I was in front of an audience. When I'm in front of an audience now (for an oral), my anxiety rockets, my paranoia rockets, I have terrible panic attacks, and once all eyes are on me, my head starts spinning, my throat closes up, my cold extremities grow colder and more numb, I get a detachment feeling and very often an episode of depersonalization while I'm up there. If I'm not brought to a nurse, I have to go through with the presentation in that state, which isn't possible.

    Music is out of the question. I'm not getting better. Its been too long.

    Not much to say here. All I care about is my primary family; my mom and dad and my sister and brother. Although I'm worried more about their feeling than I am about mine. I couldn't care less if I were to die today or tomorrow or in a year, but they would. I hate that.
    They make stuff harder all the time. My parents, I mean. They always fight, it's really loud and makes it very hard to be happy or to sleep at night. They makes jokes about me being crazy because I'm seeing a therapist, I tell them to **** off, and they punish me.
    I love them. They are just so very aggravating.
    But I love them

    My girlfriend

    We haven't been together long, but this is where it hurts me the most. This is where the tears actually escape rather than staying repressed in my body. I have fallen in love with this girl. I am 100% sure that I am in love with her and will always be in love with her. She is perfect, she has no flaws, she's out of my league and she's bound to loose interest. It's already happening, I think. She texts me and calls me much much less than when we first went out, she pays less attention to me in person. One time when we were intimate she kept text messaging her ex.

    I'm a very jealous type of person. She talks too every single guy that I can imagine, and they flirt, and she takes it. She makes plans with them, she leads them on (maybe she doesn't realize it) and I get very upset and jealous. I don't say anything, because I'm too much of a fish, and I don't want to put any tension between us, or **** up what we have. So I repress it. She tells me how some of her guy friends are such great people, and how they're so heroic and genuine, when she used to say that about me. This part hurts even more than the other parts (music and family) put together.

    I don't want her to be losing interest. I don't, I pray to God that she isn't. But deep down I really feel like she is, and I'm scared.
    She used to tell me how much she loved me, how much she needed me and how happy I made her, and I loved that, and I loved HER, and I always will. But how do I know she was serious? I'm starting to think she wasn't. She's just an overly kind and charming person. I don't know.
    It's the same god damn thing every single time I fall for someone, and I'm sick of it. But it's the worst now. And even if I'm just paranoid, I'll ALWAYS be paranoid and I wont ever enjoy this. I haven't felt ANY kind of enjoyment in a while.
    I just want to ******* end it all.
    It's aggravating not being able to express how I feel.

    Right now
    I'm seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depersonalization. It's completely useless, and I don't want to be drugged up. Even if I was though, I still have 20 more weeks of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to go through.
    Anxiety, depersonalization, paranoia, derealization, these all make my life un-enjoyable. I hate going out with a PASSION. I can't go anywhere without wanting to leave right away. I can't go anywhere and enjoy it. I can't go anywhere and not feel like complete crap in front of all my friends. It's so hard to be in a relationship.
    I hate everything, to be completely honest.

    I exercise, by the way. I jog every day and work out every other day. It makes me no happier.

    Last edited by WillIBeOkay; 02-26-2009 at 01:38 PM.

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    Old 02-26-2009, 07:17 AM   #2
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    Smile Re: What's the point?

    Hi there David,

    My name is Mervyn, i’m just about 22 year’s old and I live in France so please excuse me for any spelling error’s in my message, lol. I’ve suffered from derealization, generalized anxiety, paranoia and depression in the past and i’m still affected by depression and generalized anxiety today, although I no longer suffer from derealization or paranoia.

    For a specifique reason i’ve always been a shy guy but I had never had any mental illnesses. It all started when at the age of 20 I started to interest myself in drugs and alcohol. Up to that age I had always been respectful of the law and of people. But at the age of 20 things started very quickly to change in my behavior.

    After having during about one year taken at the same time drugs and alcohol I started to become mentally ill and I decided to go and see a docter who gave me legal drugs to try and overcome my problems. The thing is the mixture of legal drugs, alcohol and drugs just made things worse and I became seriously ill up to the point that I attempted sucide. Obviously it didn’t work and I finished in a psychiatric hospital.

    The following months were horrible because I had become very addicted to the illegal drugs and to alcohol and it was very difficult for me the fact that it wasn’t possible for me to take anymore.

    The consequence of the consumption during all this time of all these products was that at 21 years old I was totally dépressed, I suffered from generalised anxiety, paranoia and derealisation.

    The dépression made me feel just so useless, incapable of managing anything and I felt just so bad. I didn’t have the motivation to do anything , I was totally sad 24 hours on 24 and I constantly felt like repeating a suicide attempt.

    The anxiety made me feel insecure, unsafe constantly. I felt like something harmefull could happen to me at all moment. This feeling was even more present during the evenings.

    Then there was the paranoia and I have to say that was just so terrible to live. I kept thinking that people wanted to harm me, that they where constantly making fun of me and taking behind my back. Even of my familly I was convinced that they wanted to harm me. This paranoia was more present when I was in the presence of somone and even more if there were a lot of people.

    But the worst of my mental illnesses was the derealization. I felt like I was in a constant dream and that there was no ending. It felt just so weird like feeling and I had the impression that all my life I had suffered from this feeling of derealization. I remember I used to slap myselp thinking that surely it would help to waken me up put it just wouldn’t. I tried also taking cold showers, burning my arm with matches or going for a jog as I hoplessly thought that that would somehow walk me up. I also would pray to my self that the next day would be better and that I would feel more alive but it never seemed to happen. I also had this feeling that I was in a movie, that I was a robot and that the other people weren’t real and were only actors. I would also have constantly these existential questions which would arise such as why are we alive if it is to die one day, or how can the universe be unlimited and always go further on. Were the things that I was seeing with my eyes as I really saw them or were they not in a different shape or colour. This derealization made me feel just so unreal that I would often think about putting an end to my life because as I was persuaded that my life was unreal so to do sucide would’t be the end of anything but would just be an extention of my dreamlike life.

    So if I wrote all this it was just to tell you David that even if you suffer from similar illnesses at the moment, it doesn’t mean that it shall continu for long. Concerning myself, with my time in a psychiatric hospital, the medical care the help that I receved from my docter and the support from my family and frends I finally manged after about one year of all this to clear away most of my illnesses.

    Today I’m left with a bit of depression and anxiety but even that is going away and i’m finaly becoming a happy man. If I manged with such succes to be mentally healthy again it is also due to my finally finding the real meaning of life and having found a purpose to my life such as I never had had.

    There are lots of ways of finding happiness in life be it the right studies, the right frends and girlfrend, having happiness in your familly, finding good hobbies and even religion as it can be a way of finding a meaning in your life and so happiness.

    Your’ve already found a hobbie and that is music and I find that that is really great. Maybe you could find some more hobbies even if I know that it isn’t that simple. It could be reading, studies, nature, holidays in other country’s, religion, frends and there are surely so many more things to do out there where you live.

    You’ve also found a girlfrend but even if you seem sure of loving her completly well what you wrote in your message seems to say that maybe see isn’t the right one for you.

    You sad that you were just a person with no purpose, is it because you still don’t know what studies you want to do?

    You have a girlfrend but do you have any frends?

    And so you have problems in your family with your mum and dad. It’s must certanly be very difficult for you in that case because I think I can understand how hard it must be for a child to have to suffer the bad relation between his parents. But you said that they would care a lot if ever you were to end your life so I was thinking that if that was so maybe they would realize if you were to talk seriously to them about how much you are sad about their relationship, well that maybe that they need help from outside just as you are receving help from a therapist.

    You wrote that you didn’t want to take any legal drugs, but you know with the illnesses that you have perhaps that it is the right solution. It isn’t because you start taking drugs that you shall take them all your life and it doesn’t mean either that you shall become dumb.

    I took them for a period of one year and it didn’t make me stuped and after that one year I was allowed to stop most of my medical care. Today after one year’s of medical care i’m just abour cured and I am a much happier man then before.

    So don’t abandon hope, think about what I sad about taking drugs from your therapist. Try also to find some purposes in your life even if I know it isn’t that easy. You seem to be a good person and i’m sure that things shall work themselfs out one day for you.

    Take care.

    Last edited by cnaiur; 02-26-2009 at 07:22 AM.

    Old 03-04-2009, 04:39 PM   #3
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    Re: What's the point?

    I wish you all a lifetime of happiness.
    Thanks for trying, poster bellow.

    Old 03-05-2009, 12:50 AM   #4
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    Re: What's the point?

    Having mental health problems when you're a teenager is especially hard since that's a time when everyone has exaggerated emotions anyway.

    But don't discount medication at least without giving it a try. I understand you don't want to be "drugged up" as you say, but you sound seriously depressed. Antidepressants do have some side effects, but they're not like sleeping pills or anti-anxiety drugs where you really feel like you're on a drug.

    Antidepressant side effects are mostly minor and in an otherwise healthy teenager probably won't even be noticable. Anyway, it's certainly worth trying out. If you don't like them or they dont' work for you, you can always quit taking them.

    Anyway, good luck!

    Oh, and as far as "what's the point"? Don't worry about that too much. That's a philosophical question that's been debated forever. You're not unhappy because you don't know what the point of your life is. You're unhappy because you're mentally ill. Philosophising when you're depressed is not usually helpful.

    Old 03-05-2009, 10:42 PM   #5
    dreams in neon
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    Re: What's the point?

    As far as meds are concerned, side effects usually disappear within a short period of time. If you feel "drugged up," your dosages can always be adjusted accordingly. I take 5 meds for my bipolar and within 2 weeks of taking my first dose of each of them, I began to feel normal again.
    Atypical Bipolar I Disorder with Rapid Cycling
    Depakote 1500mg
    Prozac 40mg
    Risperdal 1mg titrating to 6mg/day
    Klonopin .5mg (2x/day)
    Trazodone 100mg or 200mg PRN

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