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    Old 04-14-2009, 05:45 AM   #16
    Kszan
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    You've already given him plenty of chances, though. This is not the first time you've posted about him being this way. I remember the last time you posted about him and everyone told you back then to get rid of him. That was a while ago and nothing has changed, it has stayed the same. I'm just wondering how many more chances you're willing to give him?

    This whole thing about having 4 years invested is a crock, too. If anything, it only reinforces to him how much you don't care that he's not working, after all of this time. It doesn't matter how long you've been with someone, the fact that he doesn't work and doesn't want to work is a huge issue. The fact that you are about to get your degree and he probably doesn't even have a high school dimploma is an issue. The fact that you're going to be off to grad school and he has nothing but his world of warcraft buddies online to hang with is a problem. There are a lot of reasons why you should just end it now instead of prolonging it anymore.

    I'm trying to understand why you feel you need to wait. Do you truly believe that one day he is going to wake up and get a job and be the bf that you want him to be? That ain't gonna happen, my friend. He won't ever wake up and realize that his future and his relationship are on the line. He actually really just doesn't care. He doesn't care about himself not working and he doesn't care that you are upset about it. He will always be like this, as evidenced by the fact that nothing has changed in 4 years. Stop wasting your time! If you were single in college right now, your choice of potential bfs is a lot. Once you graduate, you will find it's a lot harder to find a mate out there in the real world. This is the time when you should be going out and having fun with likeminded people and realizing your true potential. But this guy you're with is a boring guy who has no life and no future. Yucky! He's not the one for you! Don't prolong the inevitable, you know it's not going to last, just end it now! Pull of the band-aid once and for all and start living your life!!!

     
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    Old 04-14-2009, 07:58 AM   #17
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Kszan, I couldn't have said it better than you just did..

    I am trying to remember when I met my first boyfriend when I was 15 years old and stayed with him for about 5 years... I was scared to break it off because I was "comfortable" even though I knew deep in my heart that I really didn't love him.

    I was scared of change.. People are scared of change.. They find a level of security and comfort and it's scary to make hard decisions..

    What made me finally break it off was when my BF started to pressure me about marriage.. I knew I didn't love him enough to marry him...

    Does that make any sense?

    Sunny

     
    Old 04-14-2009, 09:46 AM   #18
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Go out and make other friends!!!

    Doesn't matter if you're leaving...you can still have friends in other states.

    You've made yourself so alone...no one else.

     
    Old 04-14-2009, 09:53 AM   #19
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    He's not going to change. He expects you to pay for the big traditional wedding he wants. Then, since you'll be a professional with a masters degree, he'll expect you to work and pay all the bills. He'll come up with one excuse after another why he isn't working, and it will go on for years.

    You know, what will happen when you have a terrific job with a great company, and the two of you go to the company Christmas party. You introduce your husband, and of course the inevitable question will come up..."so what do you do?" What's he going to say, "I stay home and play video games"?

    People do NOT change. Trust me, I learned this the hard way just now, when I thought a guy would change because he said he loved me and would never hurt me. Well guess what, even though he lost me over it, he didn't change because he didn't want to. Your guy has no motivation to change so he won't. And even if he did have motivation, he still may not change, even if it means losing you.

    You sound like you have a bright future. Don't dim it with this guy.

     
    Old 04-14-2009, 10:17 AM   #20
    pendulum
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    It's not that I don't like him - I must, since I've been with him for almost four years. I just don't like that he has no aspirations and no desire to find any; I'm a lazy slob too, but I want to do more with my life than play games. But as said before...if he won't shape up and get a job when I finish my master's degree, he won't be living with me. Not to punish him, but because I would not be able to afford to support us both.

    Heh...part of me wonders something. He said he wants a big traditional wedding, but he won't work. My family is poor and his family is poor. I wonder where he thinks the money would come from to have a wedding, especially considering I want a non-traditional (and far less expensive) wedding.

    Like I said, I want to give him a chance. If ever we reach a time where we would live together, I would expect him to have a job before we find a place to live. I want to see where this goes - four years is a long time to have invested in a relationship and I don't want to just up and end it.
    The fact that your original question - how to get him to talk to you - was overshadowed by different considerations is perhaps a sign that the real problem lies elsewhere. Ultimately only you should know what is better for you, although you may be blinded by your love for him, your faith, your hope, whatever. To me, it sounds very shallow to be planning on the wedding ceremony rather than on how and where you both are going to live after marriage. Ok, give him a chance, another chance, that is, but don't let him alone make all the decisions. Have your say in all of this. Be realistic and ask him to be so, too. The deadline is coming. Even if he substantially changes as you are asking him to do, beware of the possibility that he may go back to his previous state as soon as you both settle down. If you really don't know what to do and if the advice given on this board sounds too strong and bitter for you, talk to your parents, your friends, your professors, a counsellor, a priest, anyone, who can help you look at the context more objectively and see better.

     
    Old 04-14-2009, 07:34 PM   #21
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    It sounds to me that you have in all reality answered your own questions and concerns about your b/f by just some of your comments that you have posted. Sometimes our best advice really does come from our self. I was told once if I was really unsure of what to do in relationship issue, among other issues but a big part pertaining to relationships was, stop and think if your friend was in your situation and asked you for advice, what would your advice be to that friend? What advice you have for your friend is the advice you need for yourself.....I know that sounds confusing, but I hope you get the picture....

    I told a friend of mine once that was in a relationship w/ a man that didn't want to work,go out w/ friends or support her in her dreams and goals, but she said oh he is great in bed and we do have some good times and that he is a real nice person...and as I thought about it I told her look in the mirror at herself and see where she is at now and think about if she wants in 5 years to look in that SAME mirror and still be at the same spot she is in 5 yrs down the road and through that 5 years she might have lost out on some great things in life that she can never get again....you are the only person that can make the choice in life of what you plan to do and you can make your happiness, and if your not happy in your relationship or haven't been in some time, why do you want to do that to yourself. I am sure he is a great person, but he is going to be who he is and you will not be able to mold him into what you think he should be or anyone as far as that goes.....

     
    Old 04-14-2009, 10:37 PM   #22
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Yeah, this derailed a lot. I think in the future, the solution to his unemployment issue is to just not live together. I can deal with that; I notice couples who live together are often more on edge than those who live in separate homes. He can come see me and I can come see him. Just be BF and GF forever; I don't need to be married to be happy. Speaking of potential marriage, I intend to make sure he knows anything he wants for a wedding that is beyond what I want will be coming out of his pocket. He wants me in a big poufy dress? He's buying it. I think he might begin to understand my reasoning for a reasonably priced wedding once he's buying all the flowers, dresses, shoes, suits, drinks and food with his pennies.

    The thing is DBF and I usually have regular conversations when we are together in person, but it's just when we try to speak online or on the phone, we suddenly have nothing to talk about. I don't understand it. I really should not need to ask him to talk to me; every couple I know chats for hours online or the phone. Even my lazy, unemployed ex talked to me for hours a day...so what's BF's problem?

     
    Old 04-15-2009, 04:52 AM   #23
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    Even my lazy, unemployed ex talked to me for hours a day...so what's BF's problem?
    So what you're saying is that you have a history of dating lazy unemployed guys all the time? Can you see why this is such a bad thing?

    Maybe we're all being too hard on you. Maybe you're one of those people who really doesn't care one way or another or who wants to support their boyfriend. If that's your thing, don't let us tell you not to. My point is just that you will grow to resent that position, when you see how all of your friends' bfs and husbands are contributing equally to the relationship while you're left being the one to pay for everything all the time cause you're the only one who ever has any money.

    Perhaps some counseling might be in order to figure out why you keep finding these lazy unemployed types with no future who are far beneath you and not worth your time?

     
    Old 04-15-2009, 02:56 PM   #24
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I'm not solely attracted to lazy guys...in fact, I've felt varying degrees of more-than-friendly feelings for at least three men that I met while in college. Aside from them all possessing traits I like in a man, I also admired that they all clearly had ambitions. They were making something of themselves, and were thus confident in their abilities. It's just the two men I have dated my whole life happened to be lazy slobs. I'd likely have dated someone from college had I been single when I got here, but time wasn't in my favor, I guess.

    Like I said before, DBF is going to be in charge of financially taking care of a house this summer. And I know he won't allow the house to get taken because his parents would have his head if he did. And I think our friend who is moving in - who has work ethic - might be able to give him a pep talk if he starts to falter. I have to say I personally disagree with the general consensus of "People don't change". I think they do...they just need a boot in the backside sometimes to do so. If he isn't willing to change for me, then I will just call it a lesson hard learned and move on.

    I do think, though, I might just try not talking to him for a few days so then *I* will have things to talk about and that will give us fodder for a conversation.

     
    Old 04-16-2009, 08:45 AM   #25
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    I'm not solely attracted to lazy guys...in fact, I've felt varying degrees of more-than-friendly feelings for at least three men that I met while in college. Aside from them all possessing traits I like in a man, I also admired that they all clearly had ambitions. They were making something of themselves, and were thus confident in their abilities. It's just the two men I have dated my whole life happened to be lazy slobs. I'd likely have dated someone from college had I been single when I got here, but time wasn't in my favor, I guess.

    Like I said before, DBF is going to be in charge of financially taking care of a house this summer. And I know he won't allow the house to get taken because his parents would have his head if he did. And I think our friend who is moving in - who has work ethic - might be able to give him a pep talk if he starts to falter. I have to say I personally disagree with the general consensus of "People don't change". I think they do...they just need a boot in the backside sometimes to do so. If he isn't willing to change for me, then I will just call it a lesson hard learned and move on.

    I do think, though, I might just try not talking to him for a few days so then *I* will have things to talk about and that will give us fodder for a conversation.
    just to save a lot of back reading, how old are both of you? Also, have you two ever been to a stage in your relationship where you have broken up for a few days?

     
    Old 04-16-2009, 09:06 AM   #26
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    dolejaly,

    I'm going on 22 and DBF is 23. And no, we have never broken up and gotten back together. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of arguments we've had in our nearly four years together. Then again, I have only been coming home from school every three months basically since we began dating, so we don't see one another enough to find stuff to argue over.

     
    Old 04-16-2009, 11:52 AM   #27
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    dolejaly,

    I'm going on 22 and DBF is 23. And no, we have never broken up and gotten back together. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of arguments we've had in our nearly four years together. Then again, I have only been coming home from school every three months basically since we began dating, so we don't see one another enough to find stuff to argue over.

    Well your both young yet, so maybe in time things will change for the better...They say you have to be friends when your in a relationship, which is true to a certain extent...pick a fight w/ him..LOL..just kidding....But, sometimes couple's make better friends that long term companions...Maybe that is why he doesn't really look into the future as far as finances goes..He himself might like the term of "I have a g/f", but yet doesn't really get the concept of what long term and the outlook of goals and plans for the future for a couple as a team really means and especially what it means to you.

    Maybe your next visit home that is something that should really be discussed, not just the I want to get married subject, but the goals and outlooks on life and get what he really thinks about all of it and what his intentions are. Although some may say take one day at a time, which is good in some cases, but we all have goals and dreams that we put forth effort to in our lives, such as you w/ your degree...Well just see what his own outlook for his future is....Did he at least graduate from HS?

     
    Old 04-17-2009, 11:50 AM   #28
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    One day you'll grow up and realize that you deserve more than him. I've been there done that in my early 20s too.

     
    Old 04-17-2009, 12:36 PM   #29
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    trystme

    im not sure thats true, im 47 and have been with my Husband since i was 22, hell knows what im still doing with him. He is selfish, does his own thing, and watches football on television 24 /7 if he could. Its friday night he is watching some stupid low division match in peak tc time, hence me being on here, and he has the cheek to complain im on the computer too much pfttt.

    Something is keeping me here. i love him a lot, but if i was to do a pro and con list on him, the con would go off the page and the pro would be about 3 things. So what keeps us in these relationships, surely it should be more than love, or is that always enough for some people?

     
    Old 04-17-2009, 01:35 PM   #30
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I think fear keeps people in relationships. People are scared of change because it's new and taking a risk. People fear change and get comfortable in their everyday way of living.

    I am a risk-taker. I have divorced knowing I would not get any money from my ex-husband. I wanted to have peace of mind and to me that was more important than money. Sure I have struggled but it was worth it. A person can't put a price on feeling inner peace.

    Sunny

     
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