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    Old 05-02-2009, 05:03 AM   #61
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    I agree...there's nothing wrong with being alone. Relationships are choices rather than obligations.

    On the upside, I made a new friend and I talk to him and hang out with him now, so DBF can be silent all he wants. I can be the quiet one now. Oddly enough, I have more in common with this friend than I do with my boyfriend.
    I'm coming in late on this, but I just wanted to comment that you and you alone are the one keeping you tied to this boyfriend. You can very easily just break up with the do-nothing boyfriend and date the friend if he would also like to date you. You made a comment that you have met several men in college that you would have dated had you been single, but "time wasn't on your side." That's incorrect. It has nothing to do with timing, or fortuitous circumstances. You CHOSE NOT to date these great guys and YOU CHOSE to not be single and stay with the loser do-nothing boyfriend. It's a real shame, too. College is the last real chance to really meet lots and lots of great, single, relatively baggage-free men. It's a huge, huge mistake not to make the most of this time in your life. DO you realize you're even talking yourself out of wanting to have a happy marriage in order to avoid breaking up with gamer boy? That's nuts. Do you really want to end up 30, 35, this guy is still your gamer do nothing boyfriend, and you've had enough, but all the really great guys are now happily married with wonderful families, and the only guys left are freaks and weirdos, or men with crazy ex wives who want to make trouble, or men who have kids and make you third or fourth in line behind the kids, work, friends, and can't make time for you, etc.? When I was in college, I would have given anything to have had the romantic possibilities that you are so casually throwing away for the sake of a man who has nothing worthwhile to even contribute to your life. A real shame.

     
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    Old 05-02-2009, 11:47 AM   #62
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Well like I said before, BF won't be living with me if he can't find himself a job (or at least try to). He can go mooch off his friends or a homeless shelter if he won't work because I simply cannot afford to support him and myself. I've got a few more years before I hit my thirties, so I won't regret things just yet. I think my twenties is that time when I'm sort of allowed to do stupid stuff relationship-wise, so I have another eight or so years before I have to stop making errors.

    As I said before, DBF changed from talkative to game addict, so I think it's possible for him to change back. And besides, who is to say things would have worked out with my other potential dates? Heck, for all I know, DBF is the only guy who would ever actually love me and I'd rather not throw my relationship away without a really good reason to do so (like abuse or affairs). I hate being ignored, but if he doesn't shape up when we can see one another more often, I will definitely give him an earful.

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 04:32 AM   #63
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    [QUOTE=Dark Stranger;3973232] Heck, for all I know, DBF is the only guy who would ever actually love me and I'd rather not throw my relationship away without a really good reason to do so (like abuse or affairs). QUOTE]


    I really feel awkward asking you this, but are you a little on the heavy side and have little bit of low self esteem? It just seems like you feel that he has accepted you the way you are and your trying to justify you staying w/ him for the same reason.....I know sounds confusing......

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 05:27 AM   #64
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I also sense low esteem which I can identify with as it took me years to build up my esteem. I think that Dark Stranger should just stay with this guy for the reason being that the best lessons in life are just living them.

    Some people become wiser after they get to the point of feeling fed up and wanting a better life for themselves, then there are others who just settle for the rest of their lives because they fear change or feel they are not "worthy" of having a better relationship or life.

    Once again, I feel people have to live it in order to really learn... At least I did and wow, have I learned!

    Sunny

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 07:35 AM   #65
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    I've got a few more years before I hit my thirties, so I won't regret things just yet. I think my twenties is that time when I'm sort of allowed to do stupid stuff relationship-wise, so I have another eight or so years before I have to stop making errors.
    That's what I used to think when I was your age, and then I promptly wasted my life on a relationship for 7 years of my 20s, which was abusive and emotionally draining. Now here I am 35, never married with no kids and no prospects for even so much as a guy to take me to dinner once in a while. What you fail to realize is that your age right now is the LAST time in your life when you will be surrounded by potential mates who are not yet divorced, not yet saddled with kids, and not yet completely messed up with other baggage from previous relationships. When you get in your 30s and higher, the available pool of normal, not messed up guys who are still single and not saddled with kids already is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It's extremely difficult to find someone suitable after you're 30.

    I'm telling you that I personally regret not breaking up with that guy I was with after 2 years because if I would have done that I truly believe I would have found the right guy. But since I wasted my time, kept going back to him, kept letting myself be treated like garbage, now here I sit with no one while he is now married with 2 kids. Yeah, that's real fair. And that's exactly what's going to happen to you if you don't stop putting up with this guy who has no future and with whom you will not have a future.

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 09:40 AM   #66
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Really, Dark Stranger. If you won't listen to me, listen to Tivo, she speaks the truth. Life is way too shart to waste even a moment of it, even in your early 20s. I just don't understand why you keep making excuses why you should hang onto a relationship that so clearly is not working, and never will. I only wasted two years, not four like you, on a guy who was wrong for me, but they turned out to be the last two years that I apparently was appealing and attractive. After he left, no othe rman would even look at me twice. Now I'm 44, unmarried, childless, and living a life that I really don't want to be living, that has none of the things I wanted out of life, that has no real joy or future, and no hope of having either. I don't know whether I would have met someone better suited for me had I not wasted time with the ex, but I MIGHT have. And let me tell you, that's a pretty huge, huge regret to have to live with. Why do you want to willingly do that to yourself? All for the sake of some guy who, I promise you, you will be sorry you wasted so much time on. I seriously can promise, PROMISE you, one day you will be sorry you wasted so much time.

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 12:06 PM   #67
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Hoping a guy will change is just a dead end. I know, we women think a guy should WANT to change to please us, but they don't. For some reason, you think that the magic day on the calendar will come along and he will suddenly jump up from the computer and find gainful employment. And on what grounds is he eligible for welfare? Does he have kids or is disabled in some way? Don't count on the government being willing to bail out a guy who could work, but refuses to because he'd rather play games. It's not like he had a solid job and got laid off due to the economy...he just doesn't feel like working. And he won't ever again because after his parents go, he can get you to support him. You will, despite your protests, because you want to hang on to him and you'll do whatever to keep him.

    I admit I'm totally puzzled about what is attractive about this guy. Just because you've spent 4 years or whatever with him, there's no rule that after X number of years you aren't allowed to break up.

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 06:45 PM   #68
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
    I also sense low esteem which I can identify with as it took me years to build up my esteem. I think that Dark Stranger should just stay with this guy for the reason being that the best lessons in life are just living them.

    Some people become wiser after they get to the point of feeling fed up and wanting a better life for themselves, then there are others who just settle for the rest of their lives because they fear change or feel they are not "worthy" of having a better relationship or life.

    Once again, I feel people have to live it in order to really learn... At least I did and wow, have I learned!

    Sunny


    You hit it right on the head w/ that theory....No one can tell anyone anything, even if it is in black and white and in front of you, that you do have to live it to find out for yourself.....The old saying live and learn....

    By some of the stories here that I have read had also done just that and that is why they are able to give the advice they do, but they also had to live and learn them selves......Good advice Sunnyrise.....

     
    Old 05-03-2009, 09:18 PM   #69
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    If I do need to learn the hard way, then so be it. I really do want to see if he will go back to the way he was personality-wise when I return from college. I do think that romantic nerd I fell for is still in that shell of a human of his and I want to at least try to bring it back out. I didn't spend this many years waiting to go back home to the guy just to leave him, so I definitely will be trying to see what I can do to remedy the issue that does not involve breaking up. Maybe the non-talking boyfriend is karma getting me back for the times I spent out with my friend and not being home; I have no idea.

    The guy isn't completely worthless - he went into the military, but came home due to health reasons. He also graduated from the Job Corps. He has work ethic - he just needs a boot in the behind sometimes. I think we all need that sometimes.

    And RedNeon82, it's easier than you think to get welfare. Someone I know told the welfare office they were too fat to work and they got benefits no problem. Others have claimed they were too stupid to work and have also received benefits. It's abuse of the system, but it can be done.

     
    Old 05-04-2009, 06:36 AM   #70
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    do you really want to be with a guy who is willing to get welfare and beat the system just because he's too lazy to work?

    I'd set my standards a little higher....

     
    Old 05-04-2009, 08:11 AM   #71
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I agree with Rose, I couldn't respect a guy who had such an aversion to getting off his duff and working that he'd lie to get free money that honest taxpayers have been paying into to help those who truly need it (sorry, pet peeve).

    I guess you do want to learn the hard way, which is certainly your right. Just don't be surprised when 4 more years go by and he's still sitting at the computer playing games and not "talking" to you. It's too bad, because it looks like you are building a good future for yourself and will be stuck with his dead weight.

     
    Old 05-04-2009, 08:20 AM   #72
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    well on 2nd thought there are advantages to a relationship like this....

    for one you don't have to worry about him cheating on you because

    1) he can't afford to take someone out.
    2) he has no social skills
    3) you also don't have to worry about someone stealing him away from you because who would want a guy who has nothing to offer them?
    4) you always know where he's at.....he's not out drinking picking up women, he's planted in front of his computer......he's very reliable.....
    5)and while he doesn't work and you will be bringing home the bacon, you are in control!

    after looking at it from this perspective, I think this guy is a great catch!!!
    This sounds like a wonderful relationship....
    best of luck to you both!!! I'd start planning the wedding now, after all, since he doesn't say much, it's doubtful that he'd argue or put up a fuss.....he'll probably just nod and say uh huh to whatever color flowers you want etc!!!

     
    Old 05-04-2009, 10:20 AM   #73
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I'm not saying DBF would go on welfare or abuse it...I'm saying cheating the system is easily achievable.

    Rose, despite the sarcasm, DBF is pretty opinionated on the wedding he wants...which is very different from the one I want; oddly enough, I'd be the one making money and I'm the one who wants the inexpensive, practical courthouse wedding. That battle of desires will be an interesting one, but it may result in him getting up off his chair. Regardless of whether or not a wedding occurs, I think the event will still be monumental.

    You guys still reply under the assumption I will be financially supporting my boyfriend, which I've already clearly said I cannot do. It's not a matter of not wanting to (which I don't want to) - it's a matter of there's no way on earth I could support us both. So I would support myself and he could find his own lodging if he is not willing to work. Or I could just not order internet service wherever I live; I bet every dime I have that he would work just to pay for the internet so he could play his game. It's crazy enough to work, I think.

     
    Old 05-04-2009, 10:22 AM   #74
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    You guys still reply under the assumption I will be financially supporting my boyfriend, which I've already clearly said I cannot do.
    it's just like science....an object in motion stays in motion.....

    an object at rest stays at rest.....

    why would anything EVER change??

     
    Old 05-04-2009, 10:24 AM   #75
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    I'm not saying DBF would go on welfare or abuse it...I'm saying cheating the system is easily achievable.

    Rose, despite the sarcasm, DBF is pretty opinionated on the wedding he wants...which is very different from the one I want; oddly enough, I'd be the one making money and I'm the one who wants the inexpensive, practical courthouse wedding. That battle of desires will be an interesting one, but it may result in him getting up off his chair. Regardless of whether or not a wedding occurs, I think the event will still be monumental.
    oh so he's got filet mignon tastes on a hot dog budget.....

    why does this guy feel so entitled? why would he deserve any of this??

    he's not willing to work for anything, just thinks it should be handed to him, and you are STILL defending him.......have a great life!!!

     
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