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    Old 06-01-2009, 07:06 AM   #16
    EDC_Light
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    Wow, . . .had no idea, Calmbloke. Sorry that you are ALSO going through this sort of thing. I HATE being in your shoes, too. Needing to move on, yet still HAUNTED (a very good word, by the way) by the memories of someone you cared about. I've heard many people give ME advice about "how to move on", . . . yet they haven't worked for me.

    I'm here for you, bro. This life change sucks. Moving on will be hard, . . .and though "another person" MAY cause the pain to go away, no one is guaranteed that another person will come along.

    I've been attempting to do things that will change my thinking. Even thinking of moving to another apartment. It is really a hard road to be on, and I hope things get better for you!!
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    Old 06-01-2009, 12:40 PM   #17
    calmbloke
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    Hi all, cheers for your posts! EDC, moving may be a good idea, but if you can't do that at least rearrange things where you are now, move furniture, put things in different places, change some colours etc. so your current place is a new environment. That'll break old thoughts up, like sitting somewhere where you might have thought about her etc.

    I can't do that because my place is small and there's really only one way to lay things out, but it's summer now and the light is completely different so that helps. I also have a few interested parties so that's taking my mind off the old treacherous harpie. Still, you do get those moments where actually despite those good things it's just annoying to have to be in this position in the first place.

    I don't doubt the way she was at all. Everyone I mentioned things to told me she was nuts, "you don't need this", "what would she be like if you lived with her?", and so on. I think the biggest hurdle is getting rid of all the annoyances that I calmly discussed and tried to resolve before, when actually what I really want to do sometimes is just lay into her about what an absolute hypocrite she was, almost as if to say "you think you got away with this, but I know what you are" and get her off her own narcissistic pedestal.

    So, onto the new people and to see what they have to offer. The one that lost patience with my wariness has mysteriously re-established contact so I guess her other option didn't work out too well.

    RedNeon, hey that sounds familiar in so far as casting blame on you for things they were doing themselves. I used to get accused of having other women on the go. I didn't - I even absondoned female friends thinking it might stop the strife. Nope, I was repeatedly accused of having contact with other women, by a woman who was giving me none anyway! She was the one being deceitful the whole time. It's curious that they can't have any blame placed on them but if you so much as mention any irony in the things they're saying suddenly they can't cope. I always took at as an indicator that I was right. It's like, oh look a quick subject change to try and throw something else at me, so it looks like she has no real answer on the last point. So it goes that you can calmly disprove everything they come out with until they run out. I don't know what they expect yet accuse you of being argumentative. Crazy.

    I tried summarising even just the last year of how things had been between us, but even in a nutshell it came out as too big to post I thought.

    It gets to the point where you just think "I don't give a **** what happens to her now", she's made her bed, didn't want to be with me, chose to stay in the life she claimed to be so unhappy in, gave me constant grief, so good riddance. Hopefully things will turn around and bite her later on.

    EDC, nope, no-one's guaranteed that someone else will come along, but I think you need to get to a point where you can begin to enjoy looking again. I was so wary initially I put someone off, and that kind of gave me a nudge not to pass by what could be a limited number of opportunities to find someone new. Go buy some paint for your apartment I got some new clothes today, just something a bit different from what I would normally wear. It's worth a go and may help a bit too.

     
    Old 06-07-2009, 01:27 AM   #18
    calmbloke
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    Here things are a while later. The new interested party has developed feelings for me, too quickly perhaps in my opinion but what can I say: we get on ok and she likes me. I still feel really cautious, and she isn't what I would normally go for or look for. Out of this whole moving on process though she's the first person that's made it past even the most basic selection criteria. We had a great evening the other night and I didn't compare or think about the predecessor using nutjob at all.
    She likes my honesty and intelligence but is also a bit intimidated by the latter, though she likes that I've seen into her in ways that even her friends haven't. Still, she knows I'm not at the same level as her and I'm not sure I would be. I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone just because it's better than being on my own, but I know I probably will have to compromise some of the things I'm looking for just because the pickings around here are so thin on the ground. Why settle for that though?
    Anyway, last night I had dreams about the using nutjob again wanting to be in contact with her reasonable side I think. After a couple of weeks of not having thoughts about her beyond "it's her loss" this has come a bit out of the blue and I guess I'm not quite as far down the road of moving on as I thought. I was enjoying looking for someone new, but it does rather feel like trying to pick the best of a limited choice.

    Last edited by calmbloke; 06-07-2009 at 09:50 AM.

     
    Old 06-07-2009, 09:23 AM   #19
    Redneon82
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    I don't know bloke, maybe it's too soon to think about "replacing" her just yet. It's been about a month or so, give or take a week, for me and I don't even want to think about trying to find someone new. A good friend asked me the other day "so how's your love life" and I said I wasn't really wanting one right now! I can't imagine that I'd be any good to anyone just yet.

    I'm no longer feeling the pain and anxiety, but I still don't think I'm ready. I need to feel like I'm 100% available to someone, and I just can't do that yet.

    I wouldn't try to force anything if I were you. Just because someone is slightly better than the other choices doesn't make her right for you. If you settle right now, you know you will end up in another breakup sooner or later, maybe damaging the girl in the process, because she's going to think you're just as into her as she is into you.

    Can you fathom being alone for a while? Maybe go ahead and date, but don't start a relationship until that other girl is out of your head and thoughts of her can't hurt you anymore?

     
    Old 06-07-2009, 10:11 AM   #20
    calmbloke
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    Thanks I think that's sensible FOr me it's been a number of months since she made her cowardly exit via much blame-hurling and simple question avoidance. I am feeling available again, enjoyed my evening and every conversation we've had, and it's nice to care about someone else again. I was a little susprised by the intrusive dream though because things have been going good. I guess she's still up to her nocturnal hauntings then! They're definitely not frequent any more and that might be the last one for all I know.

    I'm not trying to force anything and if anything I'm avoiding it and helping this girl keep herself in check too, whilst being eminently fair to her. I'm not remotely interested in settling with someone just because they're available or they like me, nor am I remotely interested in damaging anyone so noone will be dangled. She knows we're not on the same page, talks sensibly about it, so it's good and we're just seeing how things go. She's quite cautious too so between the two of us we know where we are pretty much. She's a good honest communicator, which is nice.

    I can fathom being alone, as I worked on that basis as the nutjob proved over time that she wasn't genuine, or was nuts, or whatever, and I got used to being alone as she blew chance after chance. I think I'm ready to go slowly, and may find that things I don't want to compromise on may come about to a natural balance.

    EDC_Light, are you still around? What's happening with you?

    Last edited by calmbloke; 06-07-2009 at 10:16 AM.

     
    Old 06-07-2009, 12:33 PM   #21
    Redneon82
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    Ok bloke, I just thought since you still post about her and think about her, and wanted advice on how to get her out of your head...that you may not be "over it" yet and may need some time. But you know best what is right for you...right?!

    I know my ex isn't right for me, and is not the kind of person I want to associate with, but until I feel I'm ready, I'm not going to subject some poor guy to me! Luckily for me, the pain has subsided except for an occasional twinge (and I really mean occasional, like maybe a total of 30 minutes a week!) I'm not angry and fortunately I don't dream about him anymore.

    I'm glad you feel like you're moving on in the right way. That's good news!

     
    Old 06-08-2009, 09:26 AM   #22
    calmbloke
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    I've held off seeing other people until I felt ok to do so, and as I think I mentioned in a previous post I didn't even try with someone else who was interested beforehand. I think like you I've had a twinge, and also perhaps that while I felt ok to carry on my life (as my friends have been suggesting for quite some time as the "cure") a twinge has come as a bit of a reminder that things weren't resolved to my satisfaction. A simple apology for all the random crap she used to accuse me of would have helped but will never be forthcoming. But I have no outlet for that wish, and it seems people like her really can get away with it.

    I certainly don't want to be with someone so deceitful, calculating and unable to be honest as her that's for sure. I think the key is to enjoy someone else and just enjoy living again as it makes such a nice change from having to constantly try and prove myself to someone who did nothing to prove themselves as anything other than a pathological deceiver and a coward.

    She's not on a pedestal in any way although I do still have that sense that it would be nice to find someone with as many of the good points I'm looking for, that she did have before she went all narcissistic and frankly crazy on me. It really would have been nice if that hadn't happened! Of course a Christmas card would have been nice instead of the day of excuses that I got instead and so would other things.

    So in looking for the good points, which I know inately are what I want (minus the crazy s***), I've still got that thing of having to compromise on those basic things that I want my partner to have. Perhaps I should relocate to somewhere with more choice - I can kind of see what EDC means about getting a new place to live.

    A widow can move on and be happy but perhaps never truly forget her husband. She may always feel an injustice at being robbed of him. I think maybe that is the sense that I have of this woman, although rather than dying it's like she got replaced with a total headcase who is still roaming about out.

    It would be nice to know when the last twinge is the last twinge, so you're totally free. In that sense, I guess I do still want to know how to get her out of my head so I don't get my sleep disturbed again just when things are going nicely!

     
    Old 02-06-2010, 07:35 AM   #23
    chica35
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    Hi Calmbloke,
    I realized yesterday that I am finally over my Narcissist and wanted to share it with you.
    I'm not going to kid you - it took me SIX YEARS to get over my N, and I wasn't even romantically involved with him. He was a friend with whom I fell in love while my marriage was going through a bad period for a few years. My N was so beautiful, successful, perfect for me, etc etc, that I thought I would NEVER get over him in this lifetime. There were days when I would daydream about going back to find my N in 30 years from now if my husband kicked the bucket first - just awful stuff.

    The truth is simply this: at some point in the future, after you've experienced the horrendous pain that keeps you up and night and longing, you will simply tire of being treated like ****. That's all. You will simply wake up one day and think "I deserve to be happy...and she's a snake and nothing more."

    You won't even care anymore. So she's a snake? Not your problem!! You have your life to lead, and your life no longer involves ********.

    A few things helped me along the way - I moved across the country to a warm, sunny location, I had a very long period of No Contact to clear my head, I joined an internet dating site to see what other men might exist on this planet (and MANY of them were very nice - at least on initial impressions, which might be very misleading on the internet, but still made me feel worthy of romantic interest), I started a regular exercise regime which made me feel good for most of the day after a good run.

    Don't worry - time heals everything, except that it won't make your N stop being herself. She just is who she is - don't hate her for it, don't try to change her, just get bored with it already and enjoy going out hunting for someone new. You WILL get tired of being treated badly, especially when you have twenty new women wanting to date you. Life is too short, you should make your happiness a priority. You WILL replace her btu have to make a genuine effort to stay clear of her and not get stuck. I figure that you need about a year of real lack of contact for your brain to understand just how crappy a person she is.

    I am over my N, finally, six years later, and I can tell you that I am a different person - I don't feel damaged anymore, I feel smarter, tougher, happier, more confident. I don't tolerate bad behavior anymore - not from anyone. People treat me better than they did six years ago. I know that life simply goes on and that the sun always rises again.

     
    Old 02-07-2010, 07:55 AM   #24
    emoprairiedog
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    Re: How to get someone out of your head

    I also got rid of my narcissistic ex after many years of struggle. There were two things that triggered the switch:

    1) Realizing that nothing in the world would make her change her mind. She's a self centered person that no matter what would never admit she's abusing everyone who really loves her. She could forcibly apology as a last resort when things just went to an extreme where every thing is backfiring at her, but that's all. A few days of normality and she's back to her self.

    2) I got provisory custody of my son, and I don't have ask her to see my son anymore, or listen to ANY complains from her. I realized that it was my son that made me miss her. Once I got his custody, the only thing that mattered was to make him happy. He, with only 4 years old is more mature than his mother. He is thankful for every thing I do for him, and for the sacrifices I make. And now I can rest assured he is safe with me, not with her unstable mother.

    So that's it. I came back from a weekend with my friends, and I realized I was past her. No more cravings, no self steem problems. She's a bad person and that's her problem. I hurted for so long but not anymore. I don't even have another girlfriend or anything similar, I just don't care. Today is all about working, making sure my son has everything he needs and has the best life I can provide, and hang around with friends in the few spare time I have.
    Other relations might come and I will take them, but it's not my priority. My priorities now are my son and me. I'm finally able to take care of our needs above ANYTHING else.

    So, I think that the problem with getting hung with someone is that you don't had the chance to realize that there was no way to make the thing work.
    Once you hit your head on the wall for so many times, there is a time when your head clicks and you realize there's no coming back. You realize that there is no love or comfort in the world you could provide for the other person if she just loves herself. Once you get to that point, she becomes a stranger. Someone you can't even hate, cause she's a stranger now.
    The hurtful things she did, it feels like she did them to someone else, because all this time she was hating someone I wasn't. She thought of me as the worst person in the universe, and it took time for me to realize that that wasn't true. Either she was projecting, or was thinking of someone else, but the person she hated wasn't me. She just couldn't or didn't want to see it. Not my problem.

     
    Old 08-01-2010, 02:19 AM   #25
    calmbloke
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    Thumbs down A year on...

    A year's passed. About a year ago that woman resumed contact by email having decided 6 months previously that she wanted nothing to do with me when I called her bluff on a simple refusal to answer a straight question - "what do you want?".

    Well she had nothing to say for herself as to why I was suddenly worth talking to again so I kept things low key and only replied every few days. I wondered why she was back in contact and her answer was typically cloak-and-dagger saying that her reasons were not sinister. Fed up of her games I tried some other approaches like saying it was nice to hear from her again. No response. Sorry but if you can't even say "yeah, you too" or whatever then WHAT do you want? Grrr. It seemed she just wanted someone to talk AT about how great her and her life are. After a while of her seeming not wanting anything in particular, I told her she was welcome to call up for a chat. She never did.

    Come Christmas time I thought it was appropriate to say something about the situation as a whole, so I wrote what I thought was a postitively-focussed message remembering some good times, how it was a shame that things had worked out as they had, said that to some extent I forgave her (basically for all the hassle she put me through). It wasn't well received: Apparently I was "arrogant" and "manipulative" for offering to forgive her because she had no idea what for. How about spending a few years claiming to be oh-so-genuine, claiming to be doing something about being together but never actually doing anything about it, and expecting me to just sit and wait wait wait whilst constantly hammering my sincerity and making out that I was the player? Just a few clues there

    I told it like it was: had we got together there could be someone else hidden away in the background so perhaps it was for the best. Basically I could have ended up in the same position as her husband. That really rattled her cage... I didn't know her "at all" apparently, and how dare I think I could make a comment like that about her blah blah blah. Well hang on a minute: she showed exactly how duplicitous she could be for years on end so yes actually I do think I know what she's capable of and as many people said the same thing could have happened to me down the line and she would have sat there and said there was no-one else. After all, I never even existed! And little things like facts never stopped her coming out with any old rubbish about me.

    What was hilarious was that she claimed to be offering friendship, which was odd because in the 6 months that she spent emailing me about her fabulous family holiday and her daily goings-on not once did she say WHY she was back in contact, and when I had seen her in public once she completely ignored me but said hello to my friend (). You guessed it: I had spoilt HER parade by daring to question her motives and sincerity and wondering why she couldn't say anything about that, which you might expect from a NORMAL person. How dare I suggest she wasn't normal! I didn't, I just wanted to know what the score was and get a straight answer: something she seems to have a talent for never giving.

    You don't claim to be in love with someone for years, then disappear, and then resurface and just chat away like nothing happened. WHO DOES THAT?

    It seemed pretty clear to me what she wanted: her same old invisible sounding board to play "dear diary" with, by her rules and her terms. Her idea of friendship: secret emails bouncing back and forth without her husband's knowledge. No phone calls even though she was invited to do so, which just proved to me that her allegedly offering a hand of friendship (where was this offer?) was as hollow as her claims of leaving her husband. Interesting how she managed to reinvent her getting in contact into some great benevolent act on her part considering that she actually said nothing!

    Anyway, she decided once again that it was all my fault and that I was driving her insane () and that was that.. she deleted her secret husband-proof email account and removed her last avenue of contact.

    So it seemed that trying to talk sensibly to someone about how things had ended up and hoping to find a human being in there somewhere who might have something to say for themself was asking just a bit too much. It looks like she just wanted "friendship" HER way, where once again I wouldn't actually exist and where we never actually spoke. Well who's going to buy into a "friendship" like that? Not me. Oddly, she can't see anything wrong in what's she's done it seems.

    A year since she decided to pop up again I'm still really angry about the whole thing. Worse I have to put up with constant reminders because her husband drives past regularly and has a distinctive engine which I can hear wherever I am at home. And she goes past from time to time too.

    I've ramped up my exercising, starting studying a new subject, and tried seeing some new people. Really though, when someone who was absolutely perfect can turn into an utter nightmare, I don't want to bother with anyone ever again. There are so few women around here anyway that finding anyone who meets even my most basic "must haves" is nion impossible.

    I've tried writing stuff down, as if writing to her. I feel the need to have the final say. It doesn't help as it just annoys me that even when you're talking as calmly and sensibly as possible, she just reinvents what you're saying anyway. So frankly, what would be the point of trying to reason with her or enlighten her as to what she has done? Nil.

    I've ended up completely stuck, and a mere shadow of who I was, and she gets to saunter around like nothing ever happened. And yes, she's still with the husband she claimed to be so unhappy with, just going through the motions for their child, etc. etc. Well I guess she was never that unhappy after all. After all, if she was, she would have done something about it and she never did. So I guess the whole thing was BS.

     
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