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  • What do you do when your child might have been molested????HELP!!!

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    Old 03-23-2003, 01:16 AM   #1
    Kristie Alsteen
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    Post What do you do when your child might have been molested????HELP!!!

    My son was babysat for by a man when he was less then a year old about 3 different times. That man was later convicted of molesting my son's father's girlfriend's daughter less then a year later. That man grew up calling my son's father's mother "Mom" and my son's father thought of him like a brother. This man denies he molested the girl, so obviously if he did anything to my son he would not admit that either and my son was obviously too young to tell anyone if anything happened. That is around the time he began to play with his penis tho. It began with him pulling himself up in his crib and rubbing himself agenst the bars. Almost everyone I know has girls and my son's father's mother basically told me in her own words that if anything did happen my son wouldn't remember it so not to make a big deal about it. She also has said she has doubts as to if this man did this or not. I don't. At the time this happened I got along with my son's father and his girlfriend very well. I took his girlfriend and her daughter to the hospital. His girlfriend couldn't handle going into the exam room with her daughter, but her daughter was scared so she wanted someone with so I went with. I didn't watch the exam, but I listened to what the doctor was saying about bleeding in the area of an 8 year old girl where girls that age don't bleed for any other reasons. I followed the advice of my son's father's mother and didn't do anything about my suspicion.

    Now my son is 3 years old and seems very obsessed with his penis. He is always grabbing it, playing with it, and pulling it out. He does it at home, mostly but sometimes at other people's homes as well. He also asks everyone where their penis is. I told him mine fell off because I played with it too much thinking it might stop him from his playing but it doesn't seem to matter to him. How do I know what is normal and when it has gone too far? Why is about the penis, what is wrong with these behaviors but with his ears or toes instead? Is it because he realizes I have those parts and I am missing the penis?

    Does the posibility of the abuse make a difference? Do children start to rub on crib and continue to do these things he is doing now when nothing happens to them? I don't want him to have had anything to happen to him, I left him with this man. I trusted him, I knew him since I was in 10th grade. (I was 22 when I left my son with him) I also have been raped and know the lifelong pain that comes with it. What do you do in a case when you don't know if you child was abused in this way and you probably never will know? If it is because of abuse will he outgrow the behaviors or will they get worse? I don't know what to do. Please help me.

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    Old 03-23-2003, 05:55 AM   #2
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    Children are always curious about their bodies. Everytime I take my daughter's diaper off, her hands go down there to explore, and I KNOW that she has NEVER been molested. So I wouldn't take the fact that your son plays with himself as an indicator. If you have no other evidence, I personally wouldn't make a big deal about it, because he was very young and probably won't remember anything even if something did happen. If he has been taken for his regular doctor visits and the doctor has seen nothing suspicious, probably nothing happened. Also, please stop telling him that his penis will fall off if he plays with it too much. The reason he plays with it is because it feels better to play with it than it does to play with his ears or whatever. You do need to tell him that it is acceptable to play with it when he is alone in his room, but that he should not take it out in front of other people and that he should never let other people touch it.

    I personally will not leave my child with any man, except my husband and my father, both of whom I am certain are not molesters. I am also very careful about the women that I leave my child with too, but since I so seldom leave her with ANYONE, it has not been an issue.

    Old 03-23-2003, 03:53 PM   #3
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    I'm sorry that you have to live with these unknowns. I hope that the perpetrator has since been prosecuted.

    My son is 3 y/o, and he does like to talk about and touch, examine his penis. He doesn't do this obsessively, usually just when he has his pants down to go to the bathroom or bathe. Perhaps your son is beginning to notice that certain movements create pleasure and he is exploring in a normal way.

    I would agree that your son will probably have no memory of any abuse at that age, especially since it didn't go on for long term. But a child that young can still be impacted by events, even though they don't remember them. If it did happen, and it was an isolated event, I would think that your child would suffer no behavioral problems from it.

    I only pray that this didn't happen. How old was the girl he molested? Sometimes pediphiles will lock onto one age group or sex of a child as their victim of choice, and rarely deviate from that. But, as in all things, there are exceptions. I do hope he served jail time. Actually, I hope he is still serving jail time, and will continue to do so for quite awhile.

    God Bless, franjo
    Spina-bifida occulta; Congenital Scoliosis (dextrorotatory and 'S' curve, 42 thorasic and 57 degrees lumbar); Meningomyelocele (split cord @ L1); Diastematomyelia (re-sectioned at L2-3); tethered cord @ S-3; cysts on cord; various developmental abnormalities of the spine: narrowing of all disk spaces, defects in posterior arches, ectasia of the spinal canal and dura, segmental disease, sclerosis in L. iliac bone and adjacent sacroiliac joint, unilateral osteitis condensans ilium, hypertrophic facet disease L4-5 and L5-S1.

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    Old 03-23-2003, 04:15 PM   #4
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    I doubt your son was molested by the man since under a year old there would be to big of a chance that your son would urinate or have a BM all over the place if he took the diaper off. Not to say he couldn't have done something but I find it highly unlikely. As for him playing with himself...........he has found out how to pleasure himself and is now at the age where it has also turned to curiousity kind of like showing off a new toy plus asking about everyone elses "toy" aka penis. Do as the other poster suggested and remind him that playing with his penis is not a bad thing but it is a very private thing and something he should not do except in his own room. Also be sure he is familiar with good touches and bad touches so that he knows the difference between the two and that he should tell if any one tries to touch him with bad touches etc.

    Old 03-23-2003, 04:53 PM   #5
    Kristie Alsteen
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    The girl he molested had just turned 8 at the time he had was caught. After she gave her statement the police informed her mother that he had been molesting since before she started school, but she wasn't sure how long before she started to go to school. (She started preschool at the age of 4). It was very easy to get her to keep quiet for so long because her mother was only 15 when she got pregnant with her. Her father was 18 and was convicted of 2ond degree sexual assult and sent to prison. She remembered that for the frist 5 years of her life she her daddy was there. Her mother got married when she turned 18 and the girl called him Daddy. But he had a daughter from a previous relationship, and was in jail for 6 months out of the year most of the 5 years of the marriage for failure to pay support. This little girl was told by the pervert that if she told her mom he'd say it was lies and the cops would ut her and her mom in jail too, and that was a big fear for her since everyone she loved seemed to end up there. When she told, she did it because she was bleeding and she got scared of the blood. At first she wouldn't say why there was blood coming from that part of her body, but it wasn't very hard to figure out. Her mom was laying down in the bedroom next to hers and the pervert was suppose to be waiting in the living room downstairs for my son's father to get back from the gas station. The mom said she heard a loud thump, and then the pervert told her he had to go, and he'd call later and left really fast. (The mom thinks the thump was his crutch hitting the top step, which is what woke the mom up, the pervert has CP) As soon as the door to outside closed the girl came out of her room with tears going down her cheeks and headed for the bathroom. Her mom say her tears and asked her why they were there, she said she had a bad dream. After being in the bathroom for only a few seconds she came out sobbing and told her mom what had happened that night. My son's dad came back just as she was telling and came to get me at my apartment to have me bring them to the hospital (the mom don't drive) The rest of what happened I have said in my first message.

    I want to make it clear that this pervert even tho he has CP, has it very mildly, and knows full well how sick what he did was. His sister was molested by their father, and he expressed how much hatered he had for his father for hurting his sister. He was born being the Jr. of his father, and changed his name as soon as he could saying he was not going to walk in the shoes of a sick man such as him. The pervert graduated from high school, has a 4 year degree in business management from collage, had a drivers license, and shows very little signs if his illness. When I first met him I asked him when he would be able to get rid of his crutch, because I thought he had sprained his ankle or something like that. I do know that his illness did effect him sexually in 1 way, he could get an erection to materbate, or from looking at a magizine or movie, but when there was a woman laying by him he couldn't get it up. He had told me that more then once. He told me that they made him nervous, and he hated it. He had also made jokes about liking woman who shaved so they looked young and fresh. No one really thought much of his comments like that at the time he said them because he was always saying immature things like that. We all blew him off as being immature and making stupid jokes, and sometimes told him to stop being so sick, but never thought he was almost half confessing he was into children.

    As for his punishment: he is serving 6 years in prision, and 14 after that on extended supervision. If he screws up on that supervision he will go back to prision for the rest of the 14 years.

    Old 03-26-2003, 07:32 PM   #6
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    under 1 year old if it may have happened? i dont think they will remember anything from that age!!

    Old 04-03-2003, 08:54 AM   #7
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    Please get some help for your son now. I have no doubt in my mind that your son was molested. Many of you think that just because he was young when it could have happened, he wouldn't remember anything.. Well, just to let you know, I was abused when I was really young, by my father, whom I have no memory of (Since, he died when I was still a child). If it weren't for pictures, I would never know who my father was. I don't remember him at all, but I have been deeply affected by what he had done to me. He abused me (Not sexually, though) and because of that, I went through my childhood being highly-sensitive (emotional). I am not asking for any sympathy, but just wanted to share my story in hopes that it would help you to understand. No, I don't remember my father, but I am forever affected by what he did to me.

    I pray for the best of luck with you, Kristie!

    Old 04-06-2003, 08:19 PM   #8
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    hello your post and wanted to say..I can definitely relate to your situation. In October of 2002, we took in my son and daughter in law. We thought we were helping them to save security deposit and rent for a new place for them and their three children. BUT little did we know this was not the case. Both parents were into drugs. They did not tend to their children nor provide for them and by the end of November, both parents had deserted the kids. My husband and I had no clue what these children had been through until the kids started acting out sexual things that seemed very odd. They would not leave their clothes on and the 1 1/2 yr old and 2 1/2 yr old seemed to have an obsession with touching each other and looking under bathroom door whenever someone was in there. Out of frustration I asked why they were taking clothing off. The 4 year old had been sent to a corner where she was unable to hear her sisters answer. The 2 1/2 year old told me " mommy says ,take your clothes off, we are going to have sex." You can imagine, how shocked I was. I immediately said "OH MY GOD" The older child was still in the corner, so I called her back in and sure enough she had the same story along with additional things. I contacted childrens services and we took the children into the advocacy center for an exam. They took both older children alone into a room and questioned them and sure enough....There was no intercourse as far as they could see but it was indicated the older child had been violated, by the mother and the 4 yr olds other 2 brothers, from another relationship, while mommy watched. Please don't ignore your child. With these kids, as the days go by, they seem to be acting out things that were done to them. As your child gets older, listen to his conversations with other children and his actions. The advocacy center asked if they were acting out things when we took them for a check up. I told them no. They told me it could happen, so don't be shocked because as they remembered things that were done to them, it could happen...Sure enough. I hope you are not offended at my post but I truly believe there is a good chance your child could of been violated. VERY SICK INDEED...

    Old 04-17-2003, 09:18 AM   #9
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    I was researching and came across this ...infantile eroticism. The person affected by being molested at an infancy age acts out trying to rediscover that feeling that was pleasurable for the rest of their life. This was a German site with American references- Psychotherapy and etc.
    Just my 2 cents:
    Molestation no matter what level affects the whole being how they will respond to the whole world including themself- just read the boards. I've never heard of a child masturbating on their own, they must have seen some sexual act on TV/film or in person, that stage is very "monkey see monkey do".

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