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    Old 08-26-2009, 04:25 PM   #31
    writeleft
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Good for you JCgirl...be strong, and good luck!

     
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    Old 08-26-2009, 04:48 PM   #32
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Hi JCGirl,

    I just read your post and everyone's great advice. All I can say is that you have been with this guy for 7 years and it must be very scary for you to just get up and leave (for all the right reasons).

    People get used to a certain life style whether it's healthy or not healthy and change is scary. If you don't have the courage to do what's right for yourself and your baby right away I suggest seeking out a counselor (don't tell your bf).

    Perhaps doing it that way may help guide you in the right direction and also may give you the strength. I believe there are telephone numbers to call where you would get some guidance and perhaps give you names of counselors.

    I happened to watch a movie on a cable channel called Pay It Foward with Helen Hunt and part of the movie reminded me of your situation.

    I wish you the best and will be thinking of you.

    Sunny

     
    Old 08-26-2009, 06:39 PM   #33
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    JC: I'm a big Dr. Phil fan and he always tells people in these situations that it's better to be in a bad relationship for 7 years than to be in a bad relationship for 7 years and ONE day! Get away from this maniac. So what if he's worried about where you are! He's not worried when he's ready to smash your body into a wall! Start a new life for you and your baby and seek help from agencies as needed. There was a case in our local news here about a guy who was told that his GF was pregnant and he wanted her to get an abortion and she said no. He stabbed her in the belly and then, come to find out, she wasn't even pregnant. Do you want another 7 years of bad luck!!?? Look at all the people that have reached out to you here. Keep running and don't look back. Change your name if you have to. It's a shame that you are in this mess. We all want to see you write that you've left and are safe and he's in the dust! Stay safe. Keep us updated.

     
    Old 08-26-2009, 08:11 PM   #34
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    You mentioned that you didn't think he was bi-polar because he only acts this way around you.

    My ex-husband was diagnosed by 2 different psychiatrists, one said borderline personality disorder, the other said bi-polar. I saw signs of both. Nevertheless, for many years, I was the only one who saw his "tantrums." I even video taped him to show him when he was calm. He always blamed me for making him act that way. He never once touched me physically. He knew he'd have to kill me, because I would not have hesitated to have him arrested for the slightest physical abuse. He physically abused the walls of our home. Once he made toothpicks out of his prized guitar by slamming it into a wall, because "I made him."

    A friend of mine who is bi-polar told me that when she was off her medications (which is often), she took her anger out on the person she felt the closest to. First it was her parents, but they thought it was teenage angst. Then it was her husband. And finally, it was her newborn daughter. No one else ever saw her anger problems. I won't go into details, the child is physically ok, but social services took her, they went through 3 years of parenting classes, the child was returned, another incident happened when she was 6, and now she has been adopted by her former foster parents.

    It wasn't until my ex-husband and I separated the FIRST (should have been the only!) time that someone else got to witness his behavior. Something happened at work, no one would tell me what, but they were astute enough to know it wasn't normal, and they immediately sent him to the company doctor. Long story short, we got back together for 3 more years, he wouldn't take his medication, now divorced.

    Lessons I learned: Don't tell them where you are going. Don't go to a friend's, you are endangering them. Change your phone number. No contact, phone, text, email, etc. If you need to move 500 miles to where your parents are to be safe, move! No job or man or your pride is worth jeopardizing your child or yourself.

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 05:11 AM   #35
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Please listen to the other posters, please open your eyes and face the reality of your situation. Most of us who are posting have had either had violent partners or parents, sometimes both. We know first hand what we are talking about. It is terrifying growing up with a violent parent, and it stays with you forever. Don't bring your baby into a world of fear and violence.

    He obviously doesn't want to change. If he does go to counseling, it will be to placate you so that you feel safe enough to return to him. And it will start all over again. His attitude has been ingrained in him since birth, he is who he is, he thinks he is right. And he brainwashes you so that you think his behavior isn't that bad. Well, it is. One push or slap is one to much. I don't care how angry or stressed you are. You don't abuse you fiancee under any circumstances. I'm begging you to realize this, and protect your baby. It isn't fair to him or her.

    Abusers will show a different face to the world to the one they show to their partners. To everyone else they will probably seem like the perfect catch. Just because your partner is well educated and shows the world the facade of a succesful man doesn't mean he can't be a violent, angry man at home. That's what abusers do.

    They are like jekyll and hyde, they will be sweet and kind, then turn on you. You live for the the good times and just accept the bad ones. That's no way to live!

    I would strongly recommend you go live with your parents, I don't care how far away it is. The further the better. Don't tell him where you're going, pack your bags, book a flight, and go. Of course your parents will be shocked by his behavior, because his behavior is shocking. Please, please stop making excuses and playing down his actions. Please face up to what is happening.

    It is going to be hard, and you will need to be strong. I'm not pretending for a second you will be able to break out of a 7 year abusive relationship without difficulty. He's brainwashed you and brought you down beneath him. But you know what? You're a mommy now. You need to be a lioness and protect your cub. If anyone tries to hurt you your your baby, show your fangs! You can do it!

    Last edited by genova77; 08-27-2009 at 05:17 AM.

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 07:08 AM   #36
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Thanks for all the support...I spent the night at my friend's house. I would be lying if I said that I did not want to be back at home last night. My friend's husband is a long time friend of my boyfriend (its actually how we met) and he told me in college my boyfriend used to get into a lot of fights on the soccer field was known for his "mediterranean temper" around his friends. Anyway, he called my boyfriend and went to my place to convince my boyfriend to go to counseling. He also picked up some clothes for me and explained why I was not going to be back home. I am really HAPPY I finally told some people close to me about this. It seems my boyfriend is perfectly willing to listen to his friend and says he will go to counseling as long as I come back home. I only wish he would have listened to me! I guess I will go back as soon as he actually books an appointment. I want to go to counseling by myself too because I think I need professional help to get through this and I dont think I can be as open with him present. I know I shouldnt but in some ways I still blame myself and maybe my willingness to put up with his behavior that got us to this point.

    I am going to my sister's for the weekend (booked my ticket) and he knows that I will be there and is OK with this. I think these are all good signs.

    Thanks for all the suggestions. I dont think I would have done what I did if I didnt post here!

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 07:20 AM   #37
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by genova77 View Post

    Abusers will show a different face to the world to the one they show to their partners. To everyone else they will probably seem like the perfect catch. Just because your partner is well educated and shows the world the facade of a succesful man doesn't mean he can't be a violent, angry man at home. That's what abusers do.
    sounds just like him...

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 08:29 AM   #38
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    I'm very proud of you!

    Goodbye to the old you, and hello to the new you!

    I knew you could do it, and now he knows too. I'm glad you were able to reach out to your friends and family...this is a great sign of strength. Have a wonderful and relaxing time with your sister...

    Great job JCgirl!

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 10:00 AM   #39
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    I'm very proud of you!

    Goodbye to the old you, and hello to the new you!

    I knew you could do it, and now he knows too. I'm glad you were able to reach out to your friends and family...this is a great sign of strength. Have a wonderful and relaxing time with your sister...

    Great job JCgirl!
    Thanks Writeleft! Your advice definitely helped. I am really thankful to my friends' for at least getting him to agree to go to counseling. I guess I will see how it goes. My sister thinks I should come and stay with her and leave him. I guess the last time she visited he got mad at me over something small (I didnt even remember the incident) and she bit her tongue but was not as surprised as I expected her to be. She was surprised about him slapping, and pushing, though. At least, being around her will hopefully give me some much needed confidence but I still want to try to work things out with him.

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 10:05 AM   #40
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    JC I'm not convinced.......I've seen this before
    a guy will "agree" to counselling just to pacify you/his friend/etc
    it doesn't mean he will change his behavior.....
    but I will agree, it IS the first step.......just don't hold your breath and don't be naive
    also I've found counselling to be a stalling technique......they can continue on with their bad behavior and then their excuse is......I'm trying, I'm GOING to counselling FOR YOU......

    I hope for your sake he realizes he needs to change......I'm just not convinced that will happen

    just keep your eyes wide open

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 10:45 AM   #41
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    I've read all the other posts and agree 100%. Leopards don't change their spots!! Be very careful when you do go back to him. He's not showing it now, but he's very angry that his friend knows of his behavior and came to talk with him. He's embarrassed that you shared "private business" and he will let you know, too. I appreciate the fact that you want this to work out, but the chances are very slim that he will change. I wish you well and please be safe. Stay in touch so we know how it's going

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 12:38 PM   #42
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rudiraven View Post
    I've read all the other posts and agree 100%. Leopards don't change their spots!! Be very careful when you do go back to him. He's not showing it now, but he's very angry that his friend knows of his behavior and came to talk with him. He's embarrassed that you shared "private business" and he will let you know, too. I appreciate the fact that you want this to work out, but the chances are very slim that he will change. I wish you well and please be safe. Stay in touch so we know how it's going
    Believe me I know he is embarrassed and frustrated with me that I would go to our friends' house and tell them "private business." But for now he seems OK with it. He has a deep respect for this particular friend so he was a good ambassador.
    I believe he will take the counseling seriously as he takes everything very seriously (part of his problem) so I am hopeful. I will be on my guard though but given that this is our first attempt to solve this problem I want to give it a go.

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 01:03 PM   #43
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rudiraven View Post
    I've read all the other posts and agree 100%. Leopards don't change their spots!! Be very careful when you do go back to him. He's not showing it now, but he's very angry that his friend knows of his behavior and came to talk with him. He's embarrassed that you shared "private business" and he will let you know, too. I appreciate the fact that you want this to work out, but the chances are very slim that he will change. I wish you well and please be safe. Stay in touch so we know how it's going
    rudiravan is right. HIS friend knowing his dirty secrets will just give him more fuel for his next outburst.

    I didn't mention it in my previous post, but during our first separation, I insisted he go to counseling, I go to counseling, and we go to counseling. My solo counseling helped me a great deal in being stronger when I needed it after our first separation. I don't know what exactly went on during his solo counseling sessions, but our joint sessions were a joke. He was sorry, he was going to change...and then when we'd leave, he'd say, "I can't believe you told him/her that." And yes, we tried multiple counselors, because to him, they were always "against him." Once the medication kicked in, things were better, as long as he took it. Which was another issue.

    You should not go back until the counselor believes it's safe for you and the baby. And even then, they are good at fooling a few counselors. Making an appointment is not enough. He will come up with many excuses to cancel the appointment. In the beginning, I was stood up many times when we were supposed to meet at the counselor's office.

     
    Old 08-27-2009, 04:41 PM   #44
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    I think counselling may help, but probably it won't be enough. He'll also need some physical activity as an outlet of his excessive "energy", he'll need a change in his lifestyle and even in his diet. How about if he joined a group of men in his age to deal with anger and frustration, which are typically male issues?

     
    Old 08-31-2009, 08:20 AM   #45
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    Re: BF with terrible temper

    any update JC girl ???

    how did the weekend go?

     
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