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    Old 11-10-2009, 05:04 AM   #1
    melanie j
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    Unhappy He refuses to see my side

    Iam a 50yr woman and have been in a 15yr relationship with a 41yr man. My partner runs his own business and i do all his accounts. for the past 5 yrs things have not been quite the same due to all the stress he encounters running this business and so i try, to the best i can, to accept his mood swings. He always tells me he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me but now something has cropped up that now questions his loyalty to me. My partner has a male Business friend who we see maybe twice a year at business conventions but my partner speaks to him on a daily basis. We have only become long distance friends for approx 5yrs. The problem is is that everytime this person comes into contact with me he finds it great fun to try winding me up by implying that when they have their little meetings they are going to go off to somewhere like strip joints or chat up girls or similar. I have, in the past, just tried to ignore it as my partner tells me hes ONLY JOKING but unfortunately, recently while my partner was away at a meeting with him my partner had phoned to see how i was and this other person wanted to speak to me. I asked that he didnt pass the phone over as i just knew he would use this opportunity to get at me. Too late he was on the phone and yes there it came he was going to take my partner to a lap dancing venue close by to relieve the major headache he couldnt get rid of due to driving such a long way. At that point I just saw red and verbally abused him what i call lightly. I could hear him laughing on the other end of the phone saying that he thought he had upset me and that i wanted to be put back on to my partner. I asked my partner to phone me away from him, which he did. Again he said this person was only joking and that he himself had only just spoken to this persons wife to say about us all meeting up for christmas , which makes it even worse as why couldnt he have used the same conversation to me. As i was still reeling i unfortunately texed this person 3 very abusing text messages but impied that i too was only joking (but wasnt) but unfortunately mine didnt go down too well with him. The next day my partner went mad. He has told me i have gone over the top and sided (which he says he hasnt) with him. A week later we are just about back to normall but he says I have caused this man so much stress he is finding it hard to get over it. PLEASE TELL ME AM I THE BAD ONE HERE, AS I AM BEING MADE TO FEEL SO AND MY PARTNER WANTS ME TO APOLOGISE. This man has known in the past that i dont agree with that sort of fun as he is forever doing it to his wife.

    Last edited by melanie j; 11-10-2009 at 05:09 AM. Reason: mistakes

     
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    Old 11-10-2009, 05:55 AM   #2
    pendulum
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    I haven't heard his "jokes" and haven't read your text messages to him, so it's difficult to judge. But maybe, MAYBE, this man was really just joking, and unpleasant and inadequate as he may have sounded, he didn't deserve such a severe treatment. You say your messages were very abusive. Did you offend him? Did you call him bad names? I know, I know, you were stressed out with all his provocations, but perhaps the best way to handle it was to have said "stop" or simply to have ignored him.

    Anyway, he who plays with fire should know better. He could have predicted such a response from you. He is far from being an angel, lol. He was being disrespectful, and then again with a woman who is probably older than him.

    Ok, though it may be hard for you to this, consider apologizing to him for the "abuse" in your messages in a formal way, but with the proviso that he will stop once and for all making these childish and untimely jokes. Then move on.

    Are you worried that he might be telling you the truth?

    Last edited by pendulum; 11-10-2009 at 05:59 AM.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 06:28 AM   #3
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    He and his friend sound like they're totally immature! What are they, teenagers? Honestly, if he wants to act like such a child, you should tell him how pathetic it is for a grown man to act like that.

    I know it upsets you but it's possible they are both just totally clueless. Neither one of them sounds particularly intelligent, they both sound like they are lacking in that regard. So, just tell them how lame it is that they are so immature and brush it off. Unfortunately, sounds like you didn't marry a thoughtful and caring mature guy. Instead you got saddled with an inconsiderate, immature, disrespectful simpleton.

    My question is, has he always had this immaturity about him or is that something new?

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 07:30 AM   #4
    melanie j
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    thankyou..... I too had wished at the time i had just said STOP, but my partners business friend had already known that I disliked that type of so called banter and still persisted in doing it. Thankyou for your advise which i have taken on board.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 07:32 AM   #5
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    Yea, it seems your husband cares a great deal more about this man and his feelings than he cares for you. Sorry to say, but neither your husband nor this man sound very grown up. They still sound like little boys in the school yard pulling little girls' pigtails.

    I agree with Pendulum in that IF you feel the need to smoothe things over a little for the sake of your husband's business, you can apologize for the WORDS you used, the WAY you expressed yourself, but you can also use that opportunity to let him know that even though he very well may be joking, you don't find these 'jokes' funny at all, they are painful and hurtful to you and they are even beginning to affect your marriage. I mean, he only does it to upset you, he seems like he gets a big kick out of upsetting you. So you can tell him congratulations!! You succeeded in upsetting me a great deal! And that's how I react when someone upsets me. Was it as much fun as you thought it'd be??? This guy's a total moron and needs an education. You can use this opportunity to give one to him. Calmly, rationally, but firmly.

    It's really a shame your husband can't be a man and stand up to this guy and say "knock it off once for all, do not talk to my wife like that anymore." Your husband for whatever reason has refused to step up to the plate and stand up for your marriage, so you are going to have to. Be straight forward with this guy. Don't try to play his game.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 07:36 AM   #6
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    Thankyou for your message.....hopefully seeing replies like this will help him to understand... thankyou again

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 08:01 AM   #7
    melanie j
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    Thank you for your kind words. Maybe if in the near future if this problem still fails to be resolved i may have to show him my replies from the likes of yourself in the hope that he may come to his senses. Thankyou once again.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 11:55 AM   #8
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    Dont bank on him seeing these replies and seeing sense. My Husband read mie once and said "why are you chatting to people who kow nothig about you"? he hated it, but look im still here and i will always look for advice here.

     
    Old 11-11-2009, 03:34 AM   #9
    melanie j
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    I have already thought that. But hopefully by me having posted this, which is totally out of my character, he would realise how concerned i am about it. I probably wont show him, but early next year i will be in a situation where this person and i will have to meet up at a Business Convention my Partner and i go to every year, as my partner needs me and members of my family to help help him, as we do every year. In the case where my partner thinks it best that we dont thus loosing himself business go or he goes without me...... then these replies will come out .

     
    Old 11-11-2009, 04:41 AM   #10
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    I agree that your husband isn't being sensitive to your feelings. If he knew this upset you, then he should not have let his friend tease you.

    However, can you provide insight as to what you texted his partner? You can state what you said on these boards without using foul language. If you called this man a fat ****** or something like that, I could see how your husband would be mad. His partner was teasing you and it was rude. Did you tease him back or did you personally attack him?

     
    Old 11-11-2009, 06:30 AM   #11
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    There is no way I'd apologize. You "spoke" to this piece of garbage in a language he could understand. It's okay for him to verbally insult you personally, as well as take piercing stabs at the sanctity of your marriage, but it's not okay for you to give him a dose of his own medicine???

    Tit for tat is what I see here. And he "started it."

    Actually, there's only one circumstance in which I'd apologize. If the associate did first ... and I mean sincerely.

    Oh, and I'd want an apology from your husband, too. Why doesn't he stick up for you in any of this? Five years this jerk has been saying things to upset you and your husband does NOTHING? Says nothing to him? Doesn't tell him to knock it off, mind his own business, make his own wife upset if he feels the need to berate and upset a lady?

    I say good for you for finally telling this guy off. I hope it was DOOZY of a text message.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 02:16 AM   #12
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    that he was a poison dwarf twatt.... that no wonder his daughter felt so embarrassed about him (which he has told us she was because of his antics... especially when he has had a few drinks)that it was probably the reasons she had issues and left home. That I felt sorry for his wife... that he seek help by the way of a ??? ( a medical term which i had looked up and have now forgotten) which means looking into the size of a persons skull and the mentality of it. And last of all, sorry here comes the big one.......THAT HE WAS A..... UGLY C...T a term he uses, as well as the word P..CK, to address my parter and one of his staff, who is my son-in-law.... FOR A LAUGH. When i texed that he was a UGLY C...T I then said ONLY JOKING HEE! HEE!

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 02:37 AM   #13
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    In my eyes I was quite tame. I could have used alot more than TW.T (..ladys bits but also means foolish person ) and UGLY C...T but i chose to write my conversation by text in a way that would make hopefully him look into the logic of why he was trying to put the thoughts of distrust into another persons mind about their Partner. I very much doubt i am the only none he does it too! My Partners upset and says i have crossed the line because I brought his family into it.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 05:04 AM   #14
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    He thinks you crossed the line but has nothing to say about this other guy's repeated attempts at upsetting you? What about them crossing the line when they see how much it hurts you when they keep doing this stuff? How is that not crossing the line?

    Like I said, he is a simpleton. Can't expect him to know or understand this little thing we call "logic" because he isn't capable of understanding it apparently.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 05:22 AM   #15
    pendulum
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    Re: He refuses to see my side

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by melanie j View Post
    In my eyes I was quite tame. I could have used alot more than TW.T (..ladys bits but also means foolish person ) and UGLY C...T but i chose to write my conversation by text in a way that would make hopefully him look into the logic of why he was trying to put the thoughts of distrust into another persons mind about their Partner. I very much doubt i am the only none he does it too! My Partners upset and says i have crossed the line because I brought his family into it.
    Hmmm... I see. May I ask you how many times this guy actually teased you with his jokes? In your first post, you say you meet him maybe twice a year. And was he clearly warned that you were offended by that kind of joke?

    If in the past you had always ignored his jokes or politely protested against them, and then at this point your response was suddenly too strong, it is understandable that he (the joker) was taken by surprise.

    I think that he has a point at least. He didn't answer you back this time, as he might have done, and probably the jokes from his end will stop now. He has learned how to behave in the hardest way, but honestly I think he was simply a joker and bothersome as he could be, he should have been treated only as such.

     
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