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    Old 12-01-2002, 02:42 PM   #1
    JanineC
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    Unhappy totally distraught after breakup

    Hi everyone-
    I am having the hardest time of my whole life right now. My boyfriend, that I have been with for 11 months called me yesterday out of the blue and told me that he just didn't have the same feelings for me as he used to. I have never ever in my life felt this bad before...my whole body hurts, i feel physically sick and as dumb as this might sound, my heart feels like it is hurting. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel so lost right now, like someone dropped me off in the middle of a foreign forest and I don't know how to get out, or where to go. This came as a total shock to me, I had no idea, nor did he give me any indication that there was even the slightest problem between us. Just two days ago we were talking about what to get eachother for Christmas.
    My friends aren't really being much of a help right now- they kind of don't know what to say, and seem to be too busy to even listen to me talk to them, just to vent and cry it all out. I have been crying for two days now, since I talked to him yesterday, I can't eat or anything and I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
    Please Help me!!
    Thanks alot,
    janine

     
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    Old 12-01-2002, 03:46 PM   #2
    newdawn
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    well sweetie,
    I know what you mean by your friends being to busy to talk to you..I have a lot of good friends.... and believe me they had moments where they didn't want to listen to me.. its not easy to deal with a breakup I have had a few but mine were always with men who cheated or abused me mentally...the best thing for you to do for now is just think about yourself take care of you..its not easy but I am here if you need anyone to talk to.. I feel for you because its like I can feel your pain because I know exactly what you are going through my first real breakup I became obsessed with my ex and it was an awful time I even tried to commit suicide..its such a difficult time and some people will tell you get over it well they need to realize that not all of us get over things that quickly...so just ignore those people.. I used to cry so much over my breakups I guess my friends got tired of it..but the people on here will listen..
    let me know how you are doing?????? very worried
    about you..
    love ya,Renee'

     
    Old 12-01-2002, 05:31 PM   #3
    JanineC
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    Renee-
    thanks for the response. This isn't my first breakup- but it is the first time that I totally trusted someone with everything I had, and the first time that i invested everything i could into the relationship. I honestly gave it my all, and then some. What is making this so hard I think is the fact that I love him so much, and also that I didn't see this coming AT ALL. There was no indication whatsoever and I am not sure how to handle this. I feel like I am so alone right now, and nobody I know will listen to me. I just want to be around someone right now. It seems like nobody in my life right now will help me. Everyone says that I will have no problem finding someone else to date, but the thing is, i dont want to find anyone else. I dont want to date anyone else. I really feel like I am having some sort of breakdown right now- with the uncontrollable crying, the physical pain i feel, my mind is racing nonstop and I just want to scream because i feel like I am driving myself nuts.....like I have nine million voices in my head right now. I have finals next week and I am not sure if i can do this. (I am a college senior)I just can't concentrate.
    I am seeing him tomorrow because I am dropping off some clothes of his that I had at my house, I just need to get rid of them because I cant even look at them anymore.
    I dont know what to do. I just want this to end
    janine

     
    Old 12-02-2002, 02:07 PM   #4
    hollygirl05
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    Hi Janine, I'm so sorry to hear about your break up. I know it has to be really hard for you right now. My husband left me for another woman, when I was 7 months pregnant with our third child. I thought I would never be able to get over this hurt. I'm glad I was pregnant and had 2 other kids, because at that time I might not be here now. I felt like my life was over and never felt like that before. A little over a year after he left I met my husband I'm with now and he took in me and my kids. He is the best thing that has ever happened. We have a 5 year old together and he is going to adopt my other 3 children. We have been together for 7 years now and it's going strong. I know it's hard now, but it will get better. I had to start working after my ex left because I had 3 children to raise and working kept me busy and had my mind taken off the break up for a while. Maybe you could do something that takes your mind off of it. You could volunteer at a hospital or animal shelter or something. Just a thought. I'm sorry I can't be more help. If you need someone to talk to I'll be here. Becky

     
    Old 12-02-2002, 02:56 PM   #5
    charby15
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    JanineC: I had the same thing happen to me. We were together for 10 months. We were gettin along great and just one day out of the blue he didn't know what he wanted anymore. It was so hard for me cause i had no preparation. I cried alot and didn't know what to do. The only advice i can give you is it takes time. Time is everything. As hard as it may sound, try and keep busy. Try not to sit home. If you are 21 or older go out to the clubs (if you like that stuff). and as time goes by it will get better. Take it as a learning experiance, and good luck.
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    Old 12-02-2002, 07:02 PM   #6
    JanineC
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    Thanks everyone for the replies. Sorry to hear about all your personal losses...This really sucks.
    i know you are all right- that I should try to keep busy, so i don't have time to think too much about it...but it's just so hard. I had to take the train this morning to school and its an hour ride...all by myself...god was it bad- I even brought a book to read, and I would read like 3 pages, and realize that I didn't even know what I read. I know this is going to take time....but how much time?

    I went to his house today to bring him some of his clothes that i had at my house, I couldn't bear to look at them anymore without breaking down in hysterics...so i dropped them off and cried in front of him and asked for a reason and all he had to say was "Its just how I feel, Im sorry" But even though I didn't get any real answer from him, I think hearing that face to face made this a little better.

    Also, in the past two days, the few times he has talked to me, he repeatedly said "Don't be shy, gimme a call" "Don't be a stranger" "Don't misplace my numbers" He said he still wants to talk to me, and still wants to hang out once in a while...but do you guys think that is possible to do? he also said that he was sorry to do this to me- but that he would have felt worse staying with me and leading me on. I guess he is right and it is better this way, but im still so upset about it.

    So do you guys think its possible to still be friends after this? or does that usually not work out? If you think it is possible, how do you go about doing that- because he is extremely special to me, and one of the most unique people ive ever met in my life--and I don't want to just cut all ties with him. I would love to still have him in my life as a friend. Granted- I know Im not going to be able to call him relatively soon- maybe in a month or something, but im just curious about your experiences with something like this, and suggestions you might have about doing it successfully.

    Thanks so much everyone-
    Janine

     
    Old 12-03-2002, 09:38 AM   #7
    ana_24
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    Sweetie, I feel so bad for you because I know exactly what you're going through. I think all of us at one point or another experience heartbreak and although right now it feels like nothing will ever be the same, you WILL get over it!!! It may take you a while but I promise you, it will get better every day. I know in the beginning it's hard.. I remember when my boyfriend of a year broke up with me when I was 22, it felt like my world ended. I wished that I could die. I actually went to my doctor and asked her if there was any medication she could give me to numb me so that I wouldn't think or feel anything. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I must have dropped 10 pounds in one week and I was already very thin.

    It took me a full six months before I was totally and completely over him. At the time I felt that he was the love of my life and nothing would ever be the same. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else ever again. But sooner or later, you will meet someone else and life will go on and you will be happy again. I did and guess what???!!!??? If it's meant to be, then you will find your way back to each other. I am now 25 years old and guess who I'm with? That same guy! We stayed friends on and off, when he started dating someone else I couldn't handle it so I stepped out of his life. It was just too hard to stay friends and watch him be with her. So I met someone else as well and we didn't speak or see each other for two whole years. Call it twist of fate or whatever you want but we ended up breaking up with the other people we were seeing around the same time and we accidently found our way to each other again. We've now been together for more than a year and we are SO happy! So keep the faith and hang in there. Life will get better and you never know what might be just around the corner!!!

     
    Old 12-03-2002, 10:34 AM   #8
    Pinkroses
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    I agree with anna_24. I have been through a heartbreak also. I thought I would never get over it. But I did and 2 years later I finally met my husband. You see, you will get over it. It will take time and remember, if he is not meant for you, there is someone else out there that is meant for you.

     
    Old 12-03-2002, 01:41 PM   #9
    charby15
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    JanineC: You need to get over him before you can even think about being friends. i hated my ex before i could even concider being friends and if he really values your friendship he will give you the space you need to get back to normal. and him showin up at parties, wantin to hang out, or talk is not going to help. So tell him one day you would love to be friends (if that is what you want), but for now you need to be left alone. tell him not to call you or anything. take as much time as you need and really get to know yourself again. It is so easy to loose track of who YOU are when you are with someone for that long. Once you know who you are and what you want it will be so much easier. TRUST ME! :-)
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    Old 12-03-2002, 07:41 PM   #10
    JanineC
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    Thanks everyone-
    You are again all right, i really appreciate your different perspectives. It makes it so much easier to hear from a bunch of different people, because then I can take a look at the different suggestions and pick and choose what I think would work for me.

    You guys truly are the best ever! And hanging around healthboards really does pass the time alot faster than I expected.

    I had a MUCH better day today, and was able to eat a sandwich...I have lost 8.5 lbs so far...I would try to eat a little something eventhough i didn't feel like it and end up throwing it right back up a minute or two later because of my uneasiness. Anyway- I didn't cry once today, mainly because I was VERY busy today at school from 7:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. in back to back classes ALL DAY LONG. I feel exhausted- probably because I still can't sleep.

    I fell asleep at midnight last night and woke up at 3:30, and couldn't get back to sleep for the life of me!

    But I know you are all right, its going to take time, and in the mean time, his friends are at least still calling me (I knew them before I met him) and that makes it easier to know that they still care, and that they at least still want to stay in touch with me- that way I can still be friends with them- and they made it clear that they understand that I need time, and wouldn't put me in a situation where I would have to see him until I was ready. So it made me feel a ton better.

    I know Im going to get over this...I just wish i could fast forward the time(or maybe rewind and see where this relationship went wrong so I could prepare myself for it at least a little bit!)

    either way- just wanted to say thanks for the advice, and to let you all know that i am infact doing better.

    Janine

     
    Old 12-04-2002, 05:47 AM   #11
    ana_24
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    Janine, you do sound a lot better and I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad! I came on here today looking for your post to see how you were coping. Just remember to take it one day at a time. You may have setbacks... it really is two steps forward one step back but you will be JUST fine!!!

     
    Old 12-04-2002, 07:23 PM   #12
    newdawn
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    well,
    I wanted to say goodbye for a while ladies and gentleman my ocd is getting worse but I wanted to say something before I go getting over someone is not easy my ex who I didn't even date very long wants nothing to do with me he seems to hate me and I am not doing well about this at all.....its really hard and I am not dealing with it all Janine,give yourself time to be friends with.. it took me two years to get over my first love.. I have been in a lot of relationships and this guy that seems to hate me wants nothing to do with me and I really don't know why its strange but I need to let it go and I know that...
    I really wish I could talk to you all on ims every once in a while..
    love you all,Renee'

     
    Old 12-11-2002, 03:06 AM   #13
    ravekane
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    Hi Janine,

    I was reading the thread of posts and had to post to help you out. I'm 25. when I was 23 yrs old me and my ex broke up, like you it was clearly out of the blue, he was 33 so I thought he would handle breakup's better being older and wiser than me? LOL was I wrong. He didnt' give me much explanation except he needed space, and that he was afraid of committment ( this was odd, since he was the one pushing for marriage since we'd met). So I was shocked when he told me he needed space. He told me to still call him and we'd be friends. Hee hee, yeah sure.

    I didn't sleep, eat, or chat w/ anyone. I was in total shock! I cried almost all day, and looking at all the things in my apartment I was totally lost, w/ all the memories. My friends kept saying it will get better, lets' go out so you can meet someone else. Well I didn't want to meetsomeone else, I wanted answers damit!!!! How could someone be so cold?? After telling you that they lvoed you so much? I mean when you have dreams and hopes w/ soemeone how could they just say screw you? And leave you helpless???? I called him but he wouldn't answer, or when he did he was distant. OH God I was sooo depressed. I went to work but there was misery there. I hated being around happy girls who chatted about their boyfriends and what they did on weekends. For about 1 yr I walked around hopless and depressed. I didn't date anyone and hated going out w/ friends cuz they were always happy. My life consisted of Work, going home and watching TV and back to work the next day. For a whole year this was my lifestyle.

    I must say that after being put on medication for depression it lifted, I started doing more w/ friends, and having FUN again. I never heard from the EX at all and hardly ever thought about him. Janine I can understand what you are going through I just hope that It doesn't take you that long to get over someone like I did. I still don't have a boyfriend now, but TIME DOES HEAL ALL WOUNDS. AND GOD HELPS PRAY THAT YOU CAN GET OVER HIM. IF you ever want to write to me my email is [email protected] feel free, mabye we can chat sometime.

    Well I was browsing in the sunday paper a few weeks back and guess who i saw in the wedding section? My EX and a new Wife. I thought he didn't believe in Commitment. I was sad for a few days thinking that should have been me, but he it wasn't and you know what? I'm happy that he found someone who will love him, I will find my prince someday. Now I can honestly say that with HOPE.

     
    Old 12-11-2002, 04:37 AM   #14
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    I didn't read ALL of the posts, but I really wanted to put my two cents in (and vent a little too). My ex and I were together about 9 months and we broke up a year ago. I am still not completely over him. If I let myself, I can feel the exact way I felt the day he said it is over. But I don't. I lied to myself everyday and it got better. I really don't know what your answer is, but the way I understand it is: I know that there have been guys in my life that I had to break up with because it didn't feel right at the time. I don't know why. I went through phases where I missed them ALOT and times I was happy that things change. I've lived a fuller life now. I broke their hearts, I know, and now it is my turn to cry.
    The one thing that keeps me going is I know he still thinks about me. I know he hurts sometimes and probably misses me too. I still can not be around him yet because he still wants to "snuggle" when I know he had a girl there the night before. Gross. He doesn't care about ME just SEX so I don't think I will be able to stay his friend.

    Sounds like your guy is different. He cares about you and wants to work it out. It took me a year to try to be my ex's friend to find out it hurt too much. It might take you a while. Maybe tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. It hurts so bad because you feel like it was your fault. Maybe you aren't pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough. Those questions might have crossed your mind. The truth is, this guy stayed with you for 11 months. He cares about you. You are a great person to him. When your ready, try to see what happened. If he's a real friend, he might help you get through this.
    I'm sorry if this is bad advise. Please do not take it if it doesn't make since to you. I'm only 23, and I do hope you get through this. Your post made me cry and feel those feelings I still have sometimes. Good luck.

    ginger

     
    Old 12-11-2002, 07:30 PM   #15
    newdawn
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    update on me.. I am doing a lot better too ladies I have been writing my ex but not sending the letters... I have been venting saying things that I want to say to him but I know its not going to make a bit of difference.. its actually helping I am not dating anyone not going out just working but I haven't been thinking about him as much I realize now why I have been thinking about him he was the last man I had actual sex with I don't really want him back we didn't have much of a relationship anyway..
    he was 20 I was 30 the age difference was just to much..he was such a child it seems we always think about the good times not the bad now I now realize that there were more bad times than good a lot more.. so I am feeling better about it.. yeah I miss him sometimes but not as bad as I did...
    well hope you all have a wonderful holiday I will be thinking of you all
    love ya,Renee'

     
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