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  • jealous of boyfriends relationship with ex wife

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    Old 12-03-2009, 03:46 PM   #1
    veyfrey
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    Unhappy jealous of boyfriends relationship with ex wife

    My boyfriend was just recently out of a 10 year relationship when we started seeing each other 7 months ago. I am crazy in love with him and he loves me and things between us are so good when we are together. He has two young children, one and four. His ex was living at her parents house with the kids until November. Since then My boyfriend has been spending a lot of time over there helping with the kids, every day after work he is there until around ten. Unless it is a day he has band practice. On the weekend he takes the kids during the day, for the first time I was invited to come along (which was amazing) I get along great with the older kid who I have spent more time with and just met the younger one for the first time. I am very open to my partner having kids because I myself have step parents and they are wonderful. My jealousy come from his relationship with his ex. When she moved into her new place he let her take EVERYTHING from his place, just shrugged his shoulders saying he could replace it. He spends a lot of time at her new house, he told me he would be to help them get settled, but thats also where he goes to take care of the kids, they never come here, I never get to be a part of it. Now that its getting close to christmas hes warning me that he will be spending a lot of time with them. The only time we get together already is after 10pm at night, and sometimes a day on the weekend. Says that he has to do Christmas things as a family. I understand Christmas Eve and Day but they are planning to do all the nice things leading up to Christmas together as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm just extra, I am waiting around for when he can spend time with me. I want to hang out with the kids, I have stressed that, but he still has to go to his ex. He tells me to be patient and give it time but doesn't really tell me what he thinks will be a solution. When I ask him what he wants he says he doesn't know. I am afraid I am being selfish, I love this man and he is so sweet, he cares so much, too much...he cares about everyone, and wants all the people in his life to be happy.

     
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    Old 12-04-2009, 02:11 AM   #2
    Seraph
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    Re: jealous of boyfriends relationship with ex wife

    This is quite bizarre. He is clearly still emotionally tied to his ex-wife and family. Where do you fit in?? Will you always be tucked away and excluded? Put your foot down. His kids will come first, but you should be up there one tiny pace behind them. It is probably too late to significantly change this year's plans, but if you are his partner, then he must share the family life with you. That family doesn't really exist any more, and he needs to move on and make a separate life for his kids and new partner. Cheers, Sera.

     
    Old 12-04-2009, 04:16 AM   #3
    pendulum
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    Re: jealous of boyfriends relationship with ex wife

    He doesn't know what he wants? This is speaking very loud! Do you want a man who doesn't know what he wants?

    Sweet as he is, I am afraid this is not a fair relationship for you. You know that, don't you?

    I think he should really avoid being much around his ex-wife, because feelings are apt to resurface, right? You don't tell why they separated... I don't think she has someone else in her life, and that makes her an easy target.

    You are not being selfish. Your "insecurity" is absolutely normal.

    A quick solution is not at hand. Maybe you could back away a little from him, which means giving him some time and space to work out his feelings and to adjust himself to his new life as a separated man with kids.

    Last edited by pendulum; 12-04-2009 at 04:17 AM.

     
    Old 12-04-2009, 06:48 PM   #4
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    Re: jealous of boyfriends relationship with ex wife

    So, he has dinner with them, he spends the evening with them, then when it's time for bed, he comes home to you. Well, that's convenient. And you don't even get to see him that much during the weekend?

    I think you should first be aware that you are in fact dating what is for all intents and purposes, a married man. His wife and kids, his family, take priority and he isn't incorporating you in that at all. And now he'll be spending even LESS time with you? I don't know, you say he wants everyone to be happy, but it doesn't really sound like he cares whether YOU are happy. He's not giving you anything you want in this situation. He's not bringing you over to the ex's house, he's not bringing the kids to your home with him, he's just issued a directive, "this is how it's going to be, like it or lump it."

    Now, your relationship is still pretty new, personally, I think a little too new for you guys to be living together. So he still needs to work out a balancing act. Now, if you didn't live with him, how much do you think you would see him? How much of an effort do you think he would put into seeing you? Do you think he'd even be dating you if you weren't there right under his nose when he gets home from spending the whole evening with his family, of which you are not a part? Did you move in with him pretty quickly? You've been together 7 months, so basically when his baby was just 6 months old or so? His wife probably hadn't even lost all the baby weight. He's serious enough about you to live with you, but not serious enough to have you come over with him to the ex's house for dinner? To have the kids over to your house? That just doesn't smell right. It really doesn't sound like he's divorced in his heart. He's not ready to not be married and in that situation anymore. It sounds to me like he moved you in more as a convenience than anything else, so he doesn't have to make an effort to go see you as well. He's already giving pretty much all he's got to his ex wife and his kids, and hasn't enrolled you in any of that at all.

    I think you should make an effort to get more of a life of your own outside of him. If you don't want to move out, get involved in clubs, in friends and family, activities. Don't always be home waiting for him when he comes home. And don't pour all your energy into being there for him whenever he's ready to spend some time with you. I understand that the time you spend iwth him is rare, so you don't want to waste any of it, you want to be there whenever he is available to you, but I think that's a really good way to make him take you for granted. Fill up your time and energy with interesting pursuits so you don't miss him when he's with his family. I mean, this is your life, you only get one, and it goes pretty quickly. You dont' want to spend all of it sitting around waiting for him to come home from being with his family. Let me say that one more time, his FAMILY. A major, I daresay the most major, part of his life that he is making a concerted effort to exclude you from. Work on making more of a life for yourself until he is either 1) ready to make you more a part of his life and family, or 2) you no longer care that he hasn't.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-04-2009 at 06:56 PM.

     
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