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  • Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

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    Old 12-12-2009, 07:24 AM   #1
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    Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    I started dating someone with bipolar disorder back in April. At the time I did not know she was bipolar-she had not been in treatment for depression. She did have a prescription drug problem-Xanax. She had a prescription for them. Also had some trouble with alcohol. Needless to say it has been the craziest relationship I have ever been in. We have had major fights where she has hit me, bit me, tried to steal pills from friends/family members-blacked out, and been on the street passed out. She has been verbally abusive as well/ She said she was going to get help and started going for therapy. I do think things improved, but nothing can stay stable for very long. We ended up basically living with one another until two weeks ago when I moved out. She had lied to my face about whether or not she was drinking. I knew she had been but she denied it. Let's just say she had a very hard time telling the truth throughout our relatioship-mostly with drug/alcohol issues-nothing else.. I cared about her and wanted to be there for her.

    She was finally hospitalized two weeks ago because she was depressed and is now on lithium. I am not sure what to do. I care for her, but it is hard for me to put those things behind me. I think she is trying to get better at this point, but I was hopeful before when she promised me she wouldn't do those things anymore. Should I just walk away? It's not as if I have not given her a chance or haven't been there for her. I am just not sure if things will ever really change or if I am going to be in for more of the same.

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    Old 12-12-2009, 12:44 PM   #2
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    Just my opinion... run as fast as you can. Would you want her to be the future mother of your children? This could possibly be your future with her and maybe some of your kids could be Bi Polar too. Sorry to be so hard on you, but read your letter again. Doesn't sound like a fun life for you with all the mess that she is going through. Think about it.Why are you in this relationship? What could you possibly get out of this? This is life long problems for her and YOU if you stay. You sound like you are grounded and she doesn't. Sorry just my 2 cents.

    Last edited by kilgore52; 12-12-2009 at 04:04 PM.

    Old 12-13-2009, 06:53 AM   #3
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    Look in your heart for the answer...I have been dating someone for only a few weeks, who is bipolar. He is pretty stable right now, but I know things could turn on a dime.

    My bestfriend is bipolar as well and I have been her friend thru thick and thin for over 25 years. I guess maybe I have some insight into this based on my friendship with her!

    When someone has a mood disorder such as Bipolar, it is not WHO they are...while it is part of what they are going thru, a huge part, it's not who they are as a person. Because your gfriend is not stable obviously it makes life with her very I am an advocate for sticking by someone if in your heart you really care. Why? Because we all need to know someone is in our corner. It's a very simple reason. Unconditional support, regardless of what we get out of it, is very important in a relationship. Of course, no one can fault you if you feel you cannot deal with it.

    Old 12-13-2009, 07:44 AM   #4
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    I agree with groovypainter where your children are concerned. You created your children, you need to stand by their side through both their struggles and successes in life. Otherwise, all bets are off.

    To stay with this woman simply because you have known her since April is being a martyr. I read your words and I feel like you are asking to be told it's okay to expect more peace in your life than what you will have with her. And it absolutely is.

    You get just one life. She cannot help herself. Those promises are just to get you off her back at that moment in time. If she could really change, she would. But she can't and it will be a lifelong (barring medical invention) struggle for her.

    It's not fair. But we all have our battles in life. It's okay if you choose not to attach yourself to hers. And, by the same token, if I've felt your words wrong and you want to stay, then you have to be fair to her. You have to go in understanding that she will not change unless something very drastic happens. She won't because she can't. So you accept her with the baggage you know exists and plan for a long haul. You can't go back to her and then hold these things over her head for the rest of your time together because you went back knowing.

    Old 12-13-2009, 02:48 PM   #5
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    My suggestion to you would be to wait and see how she goes on the lithium. it's done wonders for me.
    Just for the record- I have bp and 3 beautiful children- in fact my eldest has jus won a prize at her high school graduation for dedication and commitment, and I have mostly bought her up on my own. I also have some drug and alcohol issues. it is not a matter of simply deciding you want or don't want to be how you are... I have found- and still find myself saying and doing things and wondering why, and for anyone to say that there is choice about being mentally ill; well my opinion on on that is they don't really know, do they?
    I say good on you for sticking around. Things may or may not work between you but as I said, if you really do want to stay with this girl, give it a bit more time- about a year or so, for the docs to find the right meds and to work with her- don't expect the drinking to get better straight up, it is a physical and mental crutch. She's probably been doing it to self- medicate, or as I put it- to shut my stupid head up. You should also prepare yourself for the possibility that at some point in this journey she may feel the need to move on, but then again she may not.
    Good luck!

    Old 12-13-2009, 09:05 PM   #6
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    I feel that the point has been missed regarding you letter. You have been hit , lied to, verbably abused and you have moved out because you can't take it anymore. She steals pills and who knows what else. Why would your heart want to have more abuse? What a smart move since you know now that it is a really bad situation for you. Now is the time to think about YOU not her. My opinion is really strong in telling you that you have done the right thing and that is taking care of you, your safety and happiness. May you find peace and the strength to stay gone. I suggest you read your letter over and over and you will find your answer yourself. You have said it already in your own words

    Last edited by kilgore52; 12-13-2009 at 09:06 PM.

    Old 12-13-2009, 10:53 PM   #7
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    If you were a woman saying that a man hit you, everyone would be telling you to move out, get a lawyer, call the cops, etc... just because she's a woman hitting a man doesn't mean that it's not physical abuse and it's not serious. Yes, she COULD change, but how long are you gonna wait around being abused to find out?

    Old 05-01-2010, 06:32 PM   #8
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    i'm currently dating a 37 year old guy who is bi-polar and self medicates, i love him but, i can't handle the fights and him blaming me for everything. he doesn't want to go on medication cause he doesnt want to feel like a robot. i just need advice on how to handle this relationship whether to be friends or run like hell

    Old 05-01-2010, 07:08 PM   #9
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    Re: Dating Someone With Bipolar/Drug and Alcohol Problems/Will they EVER change?

    Hi, I am coming from the point of view of a mother who has a daughter who was diagnosed with BP. Before she was diagnosed and treated our lives were sucked up into a world of chaos and turned upside down.

    However, now that we have found the proper meds and treatment if you were to meet her, unless she told you, you wouldn't know she had BP.

    I share this with you because IF this girl were to get the proper treatment and be stabilized on the right meds things would be much different. However, she MUST come to the realization that self medication only negates the effectiveness of the prescribed meds making it more difficult for her psychiatrist to find the right med combo to stabilize her.

    Finding the right meds takes time and alot of patience. It's not like one pill fixes all like other illnesses.....with BP, each individual has their own brain chemistry that needs to be adjusted so it takes time and trial and error to get to the right meds that will bring about stability.

    Also, BP is not just treated with meds, it is also very important that the person engage in therapy in order to develop healthy coping skills and tools of dealing with everyday stresses. Meds will only do so much and it is important that other changes in lifestyle take place such as getting proper sleep, eating healthy meals avoiding caffeine and sugars, incorporating exercise into daily lifestyle, and reducing one's exposure to stress as much as possible. The person also needs to identify triggers which can offset stability and find healthy ways of dealing with them. a person who has diabetes needs insulin and to see a doctor to help regulate it so that it doesn't worsen over the course of their lifetime and make dietary changes and other changes in their lifestyle, so does a person with BP. keep in mind that BP has many spectrums to it and also one's overall wellness all is dependent on how early it is diagnosed and treated.

    Research shows that the longer BP is left untreated and the more cycles that the brain undergoes the more resistant one becomes to it being successfully treated.

    Can you continue in a relationship with this feeling is that until she shows commitment to taking care of her mental wellness and finding stability you are better off not getting involved with her.

    You deserve to see her at her best which would be when she is totally commited to offering you somebody who is physically, emotionally and mentally well.

    I hope this helps. Not everybody with BP needs to be avoided.....BP is deserving of the same empathy and understanding as any other chronic illness. Thing is, nobody would be in a good situation if somebody were not taking care of their health whether they have diabetes, heart disease, kidney problems or BP.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

    ~ Ivory

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