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  • Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

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    Old 11-21-2009, 01:22 PM   #46
    lostlover
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by thegatekeeper View Post
    Hi Anonymous. Been reading the whole thread...I'm in the EXACT same situation...still deciding on what to do...Do you mind if I ask what you ended up deciding?
    If you are still in this predicament you should break it off or at lest postpone the wedding till you know what you want. If you have met another the damage has been done. I would also be interested in hearing your story and what might have happen since your past post. If you are not interested in talking about it I hope it all worked out for the both of you. I'm showing interest because I'm going through something similar but from the other side of the spectrum. My fiance has met someone new (I think) and has slowly started to show less and less interest in me. I try to show her I'm here but she kind of blows me off, I could also be trying to hard.

     
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    Old 12-18-2009, 02:39 PM   #47
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    what did you do?

    Last edited by kyliebaby; 12-18-2009 at 03:30 PM. Reason: I wanted to change my answer.

     
    Old 12-20-2009, 11:56 PM   #48
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Its now two months since i've been married. I have only one piece of advice to give to those in a similar situation....If you're not sure about the person you're marrying, regardless of whether there is another person in the picture or not, DON'T GET MARRIED!! Dont succumb to pressures from anyone and take your time to decide the outcome of the rest of your life!

    In my case, we're both not happy, I feel completely trapped in this marriage and I'm still in love with someone else. I was naive to think that things would change overnight once I get married. And now I feel even worse coz the guilt of having feelings for someone else is forcing me to try and work it out with my husband....leaving him now would bring shame onto me and my family since we're living in a small town and in a small community. I feel like the only thing I can do now is to just work out a way to co-exist in this marriage. I still have hope that i will find love one day. I know the effort has to come mainly from my side since I was the one who damaged the relationship in the first place. I do wanna work it out...for everyone's sake. But I have no regrets for loving the other person...I just wish i met him first. Falling in love is no crime and I refuse to feel sinful about it....I do however accept that I should have respected my husband's right to know the truth and to be with someone who is completely devoted to him. But its too late to tell him now...and maybe its happened for the best...i dont know.

    The waters are too muddy now but if I could rewind time and change things....I would go back to the day I first realised that I no longer had feelings for my husband...as painful as it would have been, I would have told him the truth...and then I would have pursued what ever it is that I thought I wanted. But my silence and discretion has led me to dig a hole that is now so deep...i'm stuck in it.

    But i'm determined to make it right.....by everyone. I just hope I manage to do that in my time here.

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 09:28 AM   #49
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I am sorry that you've come to this realization, but thank you for your update. What is going on with guy #2? Do you still speak to him? Obviously if you do, this may be contributing to the current feelings you have about your marriage.
    I read someplace (maybe in one of these posts?) that marriage shouldn't be a hostage situation. I completely agree with this. There comes a point where you NEED to think about your own happiness and well-being and stop concentrating so much on how your actions will affect everyone else. Does your husband deserve a wife that doesn't truly love him? You only have one life to live, and even though you are married it isn't too late to follow your heart.
    I know it's a tough situation...

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 04:06 PM   #50
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Maybe I just don't get it. But I can't understand people who get married willingly to someone they don't love knowing full well there's someone better out there. The time to act is before the wedding. It's never too late before the wedding to get out of it. Why do people deliberately make choices they know already will make them miserable? I can't understand this.

    What's worse, breaking off an egagement with whom you know is all wrong to be free to be with the right person? Or knowingly marrying the wrong person and having to live with the wrong person and ending up miserable? I really don't gget why peiple choose all the wrong moves when the right thing is so obvious.

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 04:56 PM   #51
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    Maybe I just don't get it. But I can't understand people who get married willingly to someone they don't love knowing full well there's someone better out there. The time to act is before the wedding. It's never too late before the wedding to get out of it. Why do people deliberately make choices they know already will make them miserable? I can't understand this.

    What's worse, breaking off an egagement with whom you know is all wrong to be free to be with the right person? Or knowingly marrying the wrong person and having to live with the wrong person and ending up miserable? I really don't gget why peiple choose all the wrong moves when the right thing is so obvious.
    Well kszan
    perhaps they are different views out there opposed to persons already in a longterm realtionship /commitment.
    sure its better to know before you say ''I DO''
    For some they come here to ask how and why and what should they do?

    everyone has there opinions on this subject and we all should respect them.
    a person can be in love with two at the same time It's just they need to know the difference between the love they want....and the love they can not have... but still remain the best of friends.

    I been there and to this day don't know if I made the right decision..its probably something that will haunt at them the rest of there life...to be honest with ya.

     
    Old 12-25-2009, 01:01 AM   #52
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    anonymous5678 the only thing u need to ask urself is " which guy means more ? "

    forget everything else . I dont know what u mean when u say that u know ur fiancee is also not in love with u completely , . you can surely get back the spark with ur fiancee but u need to first desire it .
    best of luck

     
    Old 12-26-2009, 07:50 AM   #53
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by anonymous5678 View Post
    The long and the short of it is - My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months, and I am in love with someone else. I love my fiance...but I am IN love with another. I know the immediate response I will get is - don't get married. But it is not that simple. I could post pages and pages of explanation and my thoughts...but I will try to make it more to the point.

    I have been with my fiance for almost 10 years (engaged for 2) and we are in our mid twenties. We have had our ups and downs and even broke up for almost a year when I thought we would be getting engaged. He apparently thought differently. But we made it through that and I never looked back. My fiance is a great guy - one of those genuine guys that are hard to come by. But we have lost all passion for one another over the years. I know that he and I could live relatively happily...more as good friends than lovers...one of those "good enough" marriages, as they say. I know he will be a great dad and would do anything for me. But there is something huge missing from our relationship - the connection...somewhat physical...somewhat spiritual, etc.

    Enter guy #2. I have known him for almost 3 years and we immediately had a connection. There was a time a few years ago when there was definitely an "emotional affair" taking place between us. He always told me he just wanted me to be happy. He said I needed to make a decision about my relationship, independent from my involvement with him. To me, this was impossible. I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in if I hadn't met him. I firmly believe this...there is something about him...my heart aches for him...it is unlike anything I have felt in a long time. I flat-out told him "if you just want me to be happy - what if I said it was you who made me happy, what then?" By that time some months had passed and he was more involved with a girl he had been dating before we ever met. At that point, we went our separate ways and talked here and there for brief moments. I continued to plan my wedding and resigned myself to the fact that the passion is going to die out in most relationships, and I'll be happy with someone who cares about me as much as my fiance does.

    Fast forward to about 3 months ago when guy #2 slowly creeps back into the picture. That feeling in my heart gets stronger again...I think about him constantly (although a day never went by when I didn't think of him during the time we weren't really speaking)...I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like everything is turning upside-down again. Meanwhile he is still with his girlfriend who he has proclaimed is not the right person for him. It appears we are both really screwed up. It is not the kind of situation where, if I broke off my engagement, we would run into each other's arms and live happily ever after. As messed up as this all sounds - I know he doesn't want to be the reason for breaking up a relationship like this - and I know he hasn't been allowing himself to feel for me as strongly as I do him. I know the potential is there but he has a lot more strength than I do.

    There are so many details and seemingly important points I am leaving out - but of course I can't explain everything. I am just looking for some guidance and I know the obvious answer...but like I said, I am engaged to a great guy that I know I COULD be happy with. My family and I have invested tens of thousands of dollars into a fast-approaching wedding. If we had gotten married 3-4 years ago like I had always planned, I think I would be happily married with a few kids by now. It is not as easy as cancelling the wedding for an unknown. No matter what the reason, if I were to even suggest cancelling or postponing the wedding, I feel like my family would hate me.

    So many marriages end in divorce and I used to be the girl who would never accept a divorce for myself. This whole situation has changed me in so many ways. I have caught myself accepting the possibility of a future divorce. I don't like myself or my thoughts most of the time. I know I am a good person inside and I am deeply compassionate - which does cloud my judgement at times.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm getting older but really I am still so young... a lost, confused little girl who loves to love and wants to please everyone. Please help...where do I go from here...?
    Its pretty simple..make a decision. Be happy. Your just making things worse..Maybe take some time off and be alone for a little while to think about what you truly need to do. Nothing or no one says you have to be with either of them. In the mean time, I would quit talking to the guy not involved, focus on the relationship at hand before you hurt someone worse than your already going to..If your fiance is such a great guy and all, he deserves someone that is faithful to him and only him, desires him and only him.

     
    Old 06-07-2010, 01:44 AM   #54
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I am in the exact, EXACT situation. I feel helpless, trapped. No matter how many times I read comments advising me to get out now, I feel paralyzed by the backdraft. I DO respect my fiance very much. I never imagined I would be in this situation and I'm disappointed in myself.

    Any updates? What did you decide and how did it work out?

     
    Old 07-26-2010, 12:22 PM   #55
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I wish I knew the answer to help you because I'm in the same boat. I'm sick about it. I have dated the same guy at least 4 years, we've been engaged for 2 years and even signed on a house together. We have a great relationship overall, he's very good to me, and loves me. But, I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake. I've had doubts for some time because it just seems like something is missing.
    Many of my friends keep saying since my engagement that I would have at least set a date if I was really in love but I've been scared to commit.

    I dated my ex for many years but I was in graduate school and busy, we lived in two different areas and just broke up agreeing we would be friends. We have infrequently texted just to say hi or to see how the other is doing. My ex has also said I don't look happy in the engagement picture and he asked for me to be sure my fiance was the one before I married. I know my ex still loves me and I feel like I still love him. We haven't crossed the line to see each other or anything like that, I feel like such a cheater as it is. I wonder what might have been all the time. I feel like I wouldn't have these doubts if it wasn't for feeling like I still have feelings for my ex. I've tried to convince myself that I may love the ex I used to know but we haven't seen each other in years and we've probably both changed anyway. I would be crazy to give up what I have only to find out that what I think I feel for my ex isn't real anymore. Unfortunately, it doesn't change the feeling in the pit of my stomach that also says I may have these unresolved feelings I need to figure out. I feel so bad and so stuck. It's not like I can just ask for time, we have a house together. I don't know what to do.

     
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