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  • Please, PLEASE help me. I have a choice to make and my heart is breaking.....

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    Old 05-18-2003, 01:01 AM   #1
    Ravenna
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    Post Please, PLEASE help me. I have a choice to make and my heart is breaking.....

    I am facing one of the toughest situations in my life and I desperately need help.

    Here it isÖ.. I met my boyfriend on a cruise ship. I was eighteen and practically suicidal over the recent death of my father. He was the Maitre D, extremely handsome, charming, Balinese, 38, and adored me from the moment he set eyes on me. Our eyes met and we fell in love. It was very romantic. We were head over heels for each other. Iíd never met anyone like him. We became lovers and he was my first. We vowed to keep in touch and would be together in Arizona when his contract was up the following April. Until then I had to return home and wait. He lavished me with gifts. He sent me his cell phone and called me on it at least once a day. He sent me flowers and an expensive digital camera for my 19th birthday. I waited for four months. A month or so before I was to meet him in Arizona I began not to care as much whether he called me, he was writing less and less. I began to seriously doubt my love.

    I met up with him in Arizona. I was happy, but not as happy as I should have been. The next two days I actually spent mostly alone. He visited with his kids from a previous marriage. Sweet kids. I would go along with them, but was mostly like a fifth wheel. He gave me little attention, I was affectionate but it seemed not to get through to him. He was treating me like a doll or a pet. I felt like a harem girl. He paid enough attention to me to treat me like I was helpless, to have sex, and to buy me things I usually didnít want. This upset me because this wasnít what I wanted our relationship to be like. Then he began to pressure me about getting married as soon as possible. The thing about this is that marrying him would allow him to get a green card, so it is actually quite important if we wanted to lead a normal life. But I am only 19, and I wasnít ready to get married, especially when I wasnít sure I loved him. So I left him suddenly one afternoon. At my motherís suggestion I left a note while he was gone and took a grey hound bus back home. I realize this was cowardly and immature. But the bus gave me time to think. On the way I realized my mistake. I did still love him very much. I called him, but was sort of troubled to hear that his tone was utterly indifferent. He did not sound like he cared, or like he wanted me to come back. But then his strange mood left and he was loving and affectionate again. I wanted to try again, so I returned.

    This time I was thrilled to see him again. My love was renewed. I was ecstatic to be there. But it was short lived. Things werenít any better, they were much worse. His ex wife was extremely jealous and nasty and made a lot of trouble for us. I was there for nine days. Out of those nine days he only spent the night with me - from dusk till dawn - twice. I was left alone in a hotel room for 95% of the time, and kept in the dark about what was happening with him. He would come to visit at night, we would make love, and then he would leave me a half an hour later. During the day I spent a few hours with him when we went out to lunch. The day after I got there he was actually ready to send me back until heíd smoothed things over with his ex. But that didnít have to happen. Even as I spent the majority of the time alone, and he came to me mostly for sex, he was still pressuring me to marry him. We even went to an attorney to see what marriage between us would entail. It was all put on my shoulders and I was torn apart. I am far too young to be married, and I have been miserable in this relationship. We also had issues with sex because I said Ďnoí when I discovered my IUD coming out and was in pain. He accused me of lying to avoid sex. That hurt, because I like sex and I love sex with him. I pretty much decided not to marry him because I didnít want to be unhappy. This was killing me because I still loved him very much. After seeing the attorney, he gave me until noon the next day to decided yea or nay. If I said yes he would remain with me and weíd be married ASAP. If I said no, then it would be over. Thatís it. Just over. He had to move on with his life. I really felt like this marriage would not be for love Ė just for the green card. I wondered if the green card wasnít the most important thing to him.

    I decided no, but then I couldnít leave him because I wasnít ready for it to be over. I still loved him very much. I ended up saying yes. That evening he left for Bali to see his parents, even though he said he would stay. He figured that now it would be two years before he saw them again because it generally takes two years before heíd get the green card. Thatís two years where weíd be married, living together. I then went back home to get my stuff moved into our new apartment. But then I was still at odds with the idea of marriage, because I know he will never be there for me like I need him to, I will always be missing him and therefore unhappy. Even if we get married. And I am uncertain as to whether or not Iíd be able to stay for 2 years. If I left before he had the green card, then it will all be ruined and everything would have been for nothing. I am so miserable as it is. As things are now, Iím fairly sure we wouldnít last two years.

    I wrote to him and told him all my concerns and all the things I was upset about. He said he was so sorry about his behavior. He said we would wait to get married for a year or two. But hereís the thing. Now that we are not getting married, he must return to the cruise ship. Now he will be going to Europe straight from Bali, then from there to LA and the ship. I will only have 10 days in June to see him before he goes back to the ship. Once he goes back to working on the ship I will not see him again for six months. Six months! I will be waiting in our apartment for six months in a strange city without my friends and family Ė completely alone Ė for half a year. I fail to see how this will improve our situation and make our love stronger. That was my whole problem Ė not having enough time with him. The only way I can go with him is to pay $2000 every month or whatever to be a passenger because I can not go with him as his wife.

    It would be easier to just marry him, but how can I do that if my heart and soul is not up for it? I really did want to marry him so that I could sort of make it possible for him to get the green card and show him my love. Like a gift. But I canít to that. That would be the most foolish thing I could possibly do.

    The only options I see here are to either A) Get married, or B) Leave and just call the whole thing off.

    I am so unhappy with this. I canít express in words the pain I feel in my heart. I know the smart thing to do would be to leave, but I truly love this man. It was wonderful on the ship, when we only had each other to think about. I donít want to leave him. But I donít want to get married, and I refuse to spend a half a year or more just waiting alone for him to return. I canít do it.

    Now I need to decide what is going to happen. Once again itís up to me what happens next. Do I become his wife Ė something I would do willingly if it were only this man Iíd be getting out of the deal as opposed to the man, the manís ex wife, the manís kids, the manís money etc., etc. Or do I end it now before itís too late? I donít know what to do. I love this man so much. He is so special to me. Iím stuck. I feel paralyzed by the choice I have to make.

    Please, please help me.


    [This message has been edited by Ravenna (edited 05-18-2003).]

     
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    Old 05-18-2003, 04:43 AM   #2
    #1Texan
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    Ravenna
    Hon, you are not stuck. Go back to the way your life was, he has shown his true colors to you.
    He came along at a low point in your life, you are I'm sure coping better now.

    Please do not get in to this any deeper, your happiness and well being are more important than his green card, your young and have your whole life in front of you. Please don't make a mistake.

    Go back to your home, go to school or find a job and move on with your life.

    The right one will come along, this is not the right one.

    Please take care and stay in touch, ok?

    #1Texan

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 06:20 AM   #3
    HoosierBj
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    If this man truly loved you he would NOT be pressuring you.
    I am also suspicious of the time you spent alone on your trip to meet him. Don't his cruises provide opportunities for him to meet other women who are American citizens? What if he is juggling you, another American girl, a current wife AND an ex-wife?
    You have a marvelous sense of self and you are hearing the voice of YOU - not just just your heart.
    I fell in love - for real - the first time when I was 19. But you truly can, and will, fall in love with more than one person on this huge planet.
    I'm glad now that I listened to my inner voice and did not marry the man I loved at age 19. I've been married for 14 years to the RIGHT man for me.
    Please listen to your inner voice!!!

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 08:02 AM   #4
    DanaJ
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    Ravenna, you need to get up and leave this whole *relationship* now, before you get yourself into a hellish amount of stress, lonliness, unhappiness, and many many problems overall.
    You are so young, and if he truly loved you, he would wait until you were at least not doubting anything. Marriage is not just some ceremony. It's a lifetime commitment(with few exceptions). He doesn't deserve you. Deep down you know it shouldn't be. You have to listen to that alone.
    You need to leave this situation, and move on. Live life a little more, and see where it takes you. You know not what gold the future holds. Trust me, staying in this situation will be one of the biggest mistakes(if not the biggest) and regrets in your life.
    The warning signs are there, take heed and move on.

    It may hurt to leave now, but it will be worth it in the future. Trust me.

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 12:24 PM   #5
    hollygirl05
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    Hi, You need to leave this guy. He doesn't sound like he's the one for you. From what your saying, it doesn't sound like he really loves you. Just my opinion. You are so young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I was married at 19, because I was pregnant and Although I love my kids, marrying him was the worst thing I've ever done. It was the most miserable 5 years of my life. After he left me, I found my soul mate, we have been together for 8 years now. Your soul mate will come when you least expect it. Mine did!!! Good Luck to you. Becky

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 01:20 PM   #6
    Pinkroses
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    There is alot of good advice posted for you. You should listen to it. Your better off without him. And in the long run, you will be much happier. You deserve better, so don't ever settle for less.
    Take care

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 01:59 PM   #7
    mrs_girl
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    I agree with the post before me. LISTEN TO THE ADVICE. No matter how hard it is now do not leave it till it is too late and you're even more hurt,etc.

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 02:39 PM   #8
    Pandabaire2
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    "I am far too young to be married, and I have been miserable in this relationship"

    Looks to me like you already answered your own questions in your own monologue. This guy is nothing but trouble....the only reason your in love with him is because he's the only ball gaming playing at the stadium right now. You seriously need to distance yourself from this guy and try to fall in love with someone else who isn't so toxic for you. This guy smells desparate to me....no offence, but he knows your young and he's probably trying to take advantage of the fact that he could get his green card.

     
    Old 05-18-2003, 04:10 PM   #9
    Ninispjc
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    I agree it does sound like you already know what you should do. It would be a terrible mistake to marry this man. I can understand that you love him and want to help him, but sacrificing your entire life for him is too much. Why didn't he stay with you in Arizona? Why were you alone so much of the time during your visit there to be with him? That sounds fishy. He should have been staying with you in the hotel or you should have been staying with him at his apartment or home, instead of him just having you stashed away so he could pop over for sex and then take off afterward. Now is the time in you rlife you should be concentrating on you. Consider going to college, even just a few courses at the local community college. Experience being with others your own age, date around, meet new people, and you will see very soon how much more full your life can be instead of marrying some emotionally distant, domineering older man.

     
    Old 05-19-2003, 12:32 AM   #10
    Ravenna
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    Thank you for all the replies. Pretty much every one I talk to says the same thing - leave.

    I agree. But even as I say so and plan to leave asap, I am bitterly disappointed. It was going to be so wonderful. He promised me all these things. He said he loved me. Blah blah blah. He probably does love me - but the way a man would love a trophy. I was a trophy girlfriend and he would have loved to have me as a trophy wife to walk around with and take pride in. He loves my beauty, but probably not much else. It disappoints me and makes me angry and still it makes me sad.

    He's probably done far worse than I even suspect, for all his seeming oblivious innocence. He's so freaking gullible - or at least I thought so. But maybe he has been deceiving me all along? No grown man leaves his adoring, beautiful, sexy, young, American girlfriend (not being conceited - this is how I am told I am) in a hotel by herself and stays instead at his ex wife's house to sleep with his 8 and 10 year old sons. There is something wrong with that. It makes me so angry. Why would he do that? When I was there, ready and willing to give him my love, trust, body, soul, life and anything else he wanted? What a seriously stupid thing to do.

    Yes. I can do better than this. I still love him - the way he is when it's so easy to believe he loves me and feels I am the most important thing in his life. I love him when he's like that, and even when he's not. But I don't love him enough to throw away even two years of my life. Especially my youth, which I will have now and only now.

    So I am leaving him. I'd like to keep in touch, but that might actually be a bad idea. I don't want to find out what he's been up to. Not even months from now. I would feel\do feel betrayed as it is. I don't want to know when he finds the next girl who will do whatever he needs her to. Maybe I better just say goodbye.

    I frocking hate when things are over. I hate endings. I hate goodbyes.

    [This message has been edited by Ravenna (edited 05-19-2003).]

     
    Old 05-19-2003, 01:40 AM   #11
    maryett
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    You go girl! You sound like a mature young lady.

    Yep it's going to hurt big time, probably for some time, but as they say, time heals all wounds. You'll look back on it as a learning experience and be comforted in the fact that you made the right decision.

     
    Old 05-19-2003, 02:48 AM   #12
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    Ravenna,
    Don't think of it as an ending, think of it as a new beginning
    Trophies are to hang on walls and sit on shelves, that isn't marriage and you have figured that out, you just needed a little reassurance, that's why you came here, and Hon your not stupid, just learning that life can throw us into curves sometimes.

    And I suggest no contact at all, once you make up your mind, stick with the plan, it will get easier. I promise.

    Take care
    Tex

     
    Old 05-19-2003, 06:54 AM   #13
    Rat_in_a_cage
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    You should lose this guy in a heartbeat because I think he is using you. I also find it to be a coincidence that you fell for him after your father passed away and given the age difference between the two of you, you see him as a father figure.

     
    Old 05-19-2003, 07:38 AM   #14
    HoosierBj
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    Hang in there! And yes, treat him like an addiction and stay away from him at least until you are a little stronger inside.
    We women tend to give it all up for love - I'm so proud of you for listening to the rest of you!
    And, don't forget - the Relationship Boards are here not just for the break-up part. We all have little hints (developed the hard way) for getting thru the healing time between relationships.
    Keep coming back here and I guarantee you that you'll be helping someone else down the road who is going through exactly what you are going through right now.

     
    Old 05-19-2003, 09:34 PM   #15
    Ravenna
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    Thank you all for the support. I will be writing him tonight to give him the news. As of tonight he hasn't called me for two days. I'm sad to say goodbye, but I will live through this.

    Yes I see what you mean about the father figure comment, but I have always been attracted to older men - even when Dad was alive. I usually relate to them better. They are more willing to think about the sort of things I think about. I can barely communicate with kids my own age.

    Now that I have made the decision to seperate myself from him, I will have many more opportunities to grow. I will not be held back by what my boyfriend might or might not approve of.

    Yes, I will keep coming back to this board. I didn't even know it was here! But this will be tremendously helpful to me in the coming months and years.

    Thank you all for your help.

     
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