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  • A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

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    Old 03-16-2010, 02:20 PM   #1
    Vellamo
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    Question A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

    Here I go, at the end of my powers... I've tried everything, I'M DESPERATE, I just can't let go, it goes from bad to worse and has caught me in the middle!

    I had no clue about SZ before, but lately I've been reading all I could find, talk to sufferers, their families, to doctors, priests etc. I made my mistakes, yet I can't understand a thing...

    Alright. So, I have ANXIETY. My ex-bf is suspected of SCHIZOPHRENIA or something similar. We met because of having common friends and very similar preferences, hobbies and such. Our first date was extremely successful, there was the instant and overwhelming 'click' and everything looked clear and bright... Very soon we were in an official relationship. We dated every day, he introduced me to his world, called just to hear my voice even though we'd already talked 2 times that day... we were passionate, kind, able to discuss anything, to the most profound matters. A very charming, intelligent young man, sensible, empathic, wise... everything I could ask for, and I'm never easy to please!! Not at all, you'd be scared... Friends told me they've never seen me so happy and kept on asking about the wedding...

    One day however, things changed dramatically. We started arguing. I made the mistake to ask him where do we stand. He was like mad, he first reproached me that I consider our relationship to be superficial (but I stated the opposite!!!), then admitted he's scared, because I'm being too serious about it and ask for too much early on. I cooled down and said I will be ok and give him time, as much as he needs (we were in a very stressing time of exams). He didn't meet me for one whole week, I was dying.... And then, the decision... which he took IN MY ABSENCE: "It won't work, we need to split up." I could't help crying, it made no sense, as I've been a perfect girlfriend all the time.... These are not my words, but his guy friend's words... He became sweet again, wiped away my tears, kissed and held me, and said he'll be waiting for me to be ok. But then again, silence..... We argued again, this time I really couldn't take it.

    This is the part where some things were revealed to me: his mother has SZ... and in his early teenage (13-14 yrs old) he was very troubled by 'DEMONS'. He could hear them, see and even smell them. "It's terrible, I never want to come back to that!!", "I'm too messed up and troubled to be in a relationship", "I don't want to harm you, I care too much about you..." were the things he said... Then he had a crisis again. He was feeling demons around and was very afraid to leave before the morning came! He was like a little child, fearing the smallest sound and move. "There's something evil about you, I've always felt it... Have you done anything very evil in your past?", he told me. I was confused and hurt. How could he ask that, when I'm so peaceful, kind, with love of God and all the good things?! Especially knowing that I was always glowing with happiness ever since I met him... He talked about his mother, about his sad childhood, cried a lot. "I think I've gained a new best friend", he told me with a sweet look in his eyes. Then he promised we will keep in touch as friends.
    ...............nothing happened for several weeks. I only bumped into a common friend, who received the news with much amazement: "What?! He must be damn stupid to break up with you! All he ever talked about was how great you are! He was obsessing over you, cared about you and said you're the best he ever found!" At this point I was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion... I know that what we had was real! And there is really no explanation to his behavior other than SZ! He wanted to stay friends, yet he ceased all contact. He insisted that I should join the drama club he's in, but was utterly shocked when he eventually saw me there. He cared about me, yet hates me now (although I've stayed away completely!)..... I have the feeling he's acting for me now, just to get me rid of the feelings I have. But honestly, it seems like he's taking a 'revenge' on me, with NO REASON! He took a girl (don't know if she was his real gf or just acting) and kissed her in front of me, and barely said hello. Now, at the drama club, he ignores me, but doesn't realize that he's acting totally strange and showing his frustration to everybody. It's extremely childish, transparent and ridiculous. Well, I am sure he feels extremely uncomfortable because I'm there, in HIS territory, his most beloved place. And I'm smiling, socializing, telling jokes and gaining his colleagues. Now, another blow. He took me off from his friends list in internet. Completely absurd!!!! A scared man wouldn't need to do so much and become an enemy like overnight, with no reason!

    I'm extremely confused now, I over-analyze every gesture... I'm exhausted. I've grown hatred and anger inside of me, I can burst out anytime. Please help me get some insight.... I don't know how to act around him! He once told me he's got problems, but then totally rejected the idea! He got mad at me when I suggested that he should see a doctor... and unfortunately I was the closest to him and the only one to see he's troubled...

    I thank you so much for reading this!

     
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    Old 03-17-2010, 10:20 AM   #2
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

    Seeing, hearing and even smelling devils and demons, yeah, auditory, visual and even olfactory hallucinations, very strong indicators of either paranoid schizophrenia or some other kind of serious psychosis. He should be on medication. If he refuses any kind of treatment, there's really nothing you can do for him.

    My brother has paranoid schizophrenia. He once tore up all the pictures there were of me from one particular school recital in a really pretty costume my mother made for me because he thought I was laughing at him in them.

    You are trying to make sense out of nonsense and trying to reason with the irrational. It is nothing but a huge waste of time and energy trying to sort out his behavior and try to figure out what it all means. It only means that he's sick, detached from reality and needs medical attention. You simply cannot have a healthy, productive, mutually respectful, fulfilling relationship with this man. I'm sorry, I know that's the last thing you want to hear, and I know you think he's your soul mate, the perfect guy, totally "gets' you, etc etc etc. But the bottom line is, he has a chemical imbalance in his brain that makes him behave irratically and irrationally, and until and unless he gets help, there is no making sense of his behavior. You will never know what to expect and it will always be a very confusing, painful experience for you to date this man. Why put yourself through that? You can be his friend, carefully, because sometimes schizophrenics have been known to be violent, even murderously so, but you are just asking for pain and heartache to try to have a relationship with this man. Please do yourself a favor and just work on yourself and your own anxiety issues and once you have become the person you really want to be, then seek out a healthy, stable man who can enhance and compliment you and bring out the best in you. I'm afraid it will never be this man.

    Lesson number one when it comes to relationships, is when someone mistreats you or treats you in an inconsistent, unpredictable or hurtful way, you sadly but respectfully disassociate with that person, you don't try to change that person into being who you want and need him to be. You keep looking until you find a man who treats you the way you need and want to be treated already. when it comes to men, you cannot fix them, you cannot save them, you cannot change them, and you cannot love them into loving you. The only thing you can do is keep looking until you find one that is already the man you need and want. If you feel you have to "fix", heal or save or change him first, he's not the right one for you. Period.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-17-2010 at 10:24 AM.

     
    Old 03-17-2010, 10:32 AM   #3
    Hesione
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    Re: A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

    Vellamo,

    I know you are hurting and you are craving accountability or some understanding of what transformed a seemingly wonderful relationship into what you're going through now. From your description, I don't doubt that he is suffering from some mental illness, but it is not uncommon for "normal" people to behave in the same way he has. The pattern of self-doubt, fear of intimacy, rejection, distancing and persecution is common for a troubled person that fears commitment. Relationships mean growing up and taking accountability for your own behaviors, and maybe he wasn't ready for that. Maybe he's too afraid of his own problems and it is easier to push you away. Maybe his brain is simply telling him to be paranoid.

    There is no way for you to know the logic, if there is any, behind his decision and his current behavior. He may not know himself. He needs help, but you can't be the one to give it to him. Helping a mentally ill person is a life-long commitment and, really, it should come from his family. As an ex-girlfriend that he refuses to see you have no role in that part of his life. Now is the time to gracefully step aside and phase him out of your life, which appears to be what he wants, and may be best for both of you.

    Feel confident about what you had, grieve for what you've lost, and most importantly, love him and forgive him for failing to be strong enough to be the man you wanted. Love and forgive yourself too. As humans we are driven to seek answers, even if they are far beyond our reach, when what we truly need to learn is acceptance.

     
    Old 03-17-2010, 10:58 AM   #4
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    Re: A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

    A very dear friend of mine, who I've been friends with since 1989, was diagnosed with schizophrenia with psychotic episodes. When we were growing up, she was totally normal as can be. She was very highly intelligent and cultured. Then she went away to college/university and I guess she tried LSD or something and she apparently smoked a lot of pot. Someone gave her some crazy drug at some point which basically broke her brain. This once highly intelligent and wonderful girl had turned into a paranoid schizophrenic mess!

    She sometimes says some of the weirdest, most illogical nonsense to me! At first I tried reasoning with her, like when she was not in the middle of an "episode", and she would start to cry because she didn't realize I thought so highly of her and her intelligence. But then I'd have the misfortune of being in touch with her while she was in the midst of an "episode" and it would be the same illogical weird stuff all over again.

    The thing is, there's no reasoning with someone like that! You can tell them all day long until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to change anything! In my case, whenever my friend would say certain hurtful things to me, I'd get really upset and angry about it. But the more I read about the disorder, the more I understood, it's not really HER saying that stuff, it's her illness causing her brain to come to these whacked out conclusions.

    In your case, you need to understand that you take a huge risk getting involved with someone who suffers from this disorder. He will do and say things to you that won't make any sense at all, and you can't assign the same type of expectations you would to someone who doesn't suffer from it. He's not a regular guy, he's a guy whose brain is wired differently and therefore he will not do things the same way that regular people will do them. So, my point is that there's really no questioning why he said this or that or why he did this or that, because at the end of the day, it's never going to make any sense.

    You said he hasn't gotten to a doctor yet. In that case, don't expect him to get any better, only to get worse. Since you're not dating anymore, it's not like you can tell him to go. But since you still have to see him in class or whatever, you should just keep your distance. Do your best to not engage him in any conversation because his behavior will continue to escalate the longer he goes without proper treatment. The thing about the demons is a bad, bad sign. It means this has progressed a lot. When my friend started talking about demons being everywhere, she went downhill pretty quick. It was to the point where meds didn't do the trick alone, so she had to go for electroshock therapy. She now has lost a part of her short term memory. She completely doesn't remember certain memories of our teenage years. And it really frustrates her, but she said she had no choice, she had to do it.

    Anyway, my whole point is just that you're trying way too hard to figure this out when there IS NO FIGURING in this type of situation. There's nothing to figure. He has a problem that is causing him to behave this way and you need to accept it. It is what it is, there's nothing you can do or say that will change it. He definitely needs to get treatment, but it sounds like he either won't or is too resistant to it, so who knows how he will end up?

     
    Old 03-17-2010, 11:39 AM   #5
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    Re: A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

    Vellamo,

    Its' just as previously said already- you are trying to make sense out of non sense and trying to see logic in the irrational. You can't. His mind is reacting to psychosis, and his behavior will always be erratic and irrational, and as mentioned before, possibly even violent. It is just the nature of the untreated disease. It is nothing you have done or can do. You can only ask him to get help. But sadly, some people who suffer from this will not get help.

    Try your best to dissassociate while he is not getting help. It will be unhealthy for you to try to have a relationship with him while he is having these thoughts. I'm sorry, because I am sure you care for him a great deal. But sometimes all you can do for someone is to point them in the direction of help.

     
    Old 03-18-2010, 05:08 AM   #6
    Vellamo
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    Re: A schizophrenic and an anxious person: a 'perfect' match!

    I find much truth here, thank you!
    Indeed, I'm am desperately trying to find meaning in something irrational (probably because of my anxiety - my over-analyzing mind). Day by day I do my best to welcome this conviction that it's the disease, and not himself doing the harm. Sure, it hurts... it hurts to know that the one who was everything I wanted is the victim of such brain condition. I wish there was at least one person out there who saw it!

    Larrylou'smom, I do believe it's going to be an ordeal with him, with or without dating... In fact, I won't feel able too soon to open up to someone, still remembering how Prince Charming turned into a monster. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. He's under proper treatment now, I hope?

    Hesione, your words make a lot of sense to me, I appreciate the advice! Somehow he might be aware of his not-so-normal condition, because of the demonic visions, yet he doesn't see the rest. Moreover, he's behaving badly only with me. It makes me look like I'm the freak.

    Kszan, I know what you mean about those episodes triggered by drug usage. I heard it can happen. This guy stays clear from drugs, but he indulges himself in alcohol consumption, pretty much of it.

    Well, when I meet him I try to act normal, as I would would anyone else. But I guess in the end it turns out more like ignoring him, because I get to 'mirror' his behavior. Or it happens that he mirrors mine, because if I wave and say Hello he does the same, if I ask a neutral question he replies etc. I also hope that by this he will realize that I'm no weirdo and he's the one who's not with us, the others. He doesn't seem a schizo to the rest, they're not close enough. He's actually quite successful with them... There appear to be only 2 episodes in his life. No, I'm not making an excuse for him, there's a mental illness for sure, just that I'm afraid no one would diagnose him... It looks hopeless, I can't think of a way to bring him to the doctor.

    Thanks everyone, I'm doing rather ok, coping with most of my own things... Have a great day, wherever you are!

     
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