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  • trust issues are killing my relationship - need advice, esp. from computer savvy folk

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    Old 09-04-2003, 04:28 PM   #16
    sadgirl03
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    The thing is, I don't think he has cheated on me. If he had with the escorts, or if that is the reason why those sites are on his laptop, then I would be devastated. My problem again is trust. I have a hard time believing him when he tells me he does not know how those sites got on there. I also find it very strange that the sites are all for escort services in the area where we live, suggesting that it didn't come from some random pop-up ad. Should I believe him? If so, how do I overcome my overwhelming mistrust? He has not done anything truly horrible to suggest he has cheated on me.

     
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    Old 09-05-2003, 03:39 AM   #17
    Dai
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    Sadgirl03, forget the laptop, forget the links!!

    Don't you see that snooping your boyfriend's laptop equals going through his pockets and his personal items. You are invading his privacy. In another words, YOU are the bad guy here, not your boyfriend!!

    So the big thing was that he was in an adult chat room. And he "lied" about not being there. It was his business anyway, besides, he was probably just embarrassed to tell you that. I wouldn't even call it a lie. You should really think why it troubles you so much.
    What were before adult sites? Porn mags, and they still are around. Men like to look at them, they are like fashion mags to us, though our activities while looking are slightly different. Big deal, all normal.

    Sadgirl, instead of nagging to your boyfriend I suggest you should start apologising to him. Weekend is approaching so cook him his favourite dinner, dress up and give him some good loving. In all due respect, treat him the way a man should be treated. Pamper him, for he has deserved it. It can be a new beginning to you both and you will feel better too. Dwelling on your insecurities won't make you feel good either so leave them behind, regard your insecurities as an annoying habit a bit like biting the nails. Don't cherish them, ditch them! Snooping has to go, really. It is the most unattractive thing I can think of. Do sexy people snoop? No. Do you want to be sexy? Wellll?




    [This message has been edited by Dai (edited 09-05-2003).]

     
    Old 09-05-2003, 03:50 AM   #18
    Redhead23
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    Dai I don't think you should blame her for discovering the bookmarks on his laptop - if he lets her use his computer to get online, then he has to expect that she will be using the favourites menu option at some point. (To be honest whenever I use the "History" listing of visited pages I avoid looking too closely at the ones my bf might have visited. It does bug me / make me feel unsexy to some degree but men get off on visual sitmulation and to most it's got nothing to do with wanting to actually cheat on you, they just need visual input to get aroused)

    I don't think she deliberately went out of her way to check up on him, only when she came across those links did she start having a look around - it would have been wiser to just ask him there & then but I can understand her curiosity once she stumbled upon those links!
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    Old 09-05-2003, 06:17 AM   #19
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    I have to agree with Dai on this one. She said she deliberately snoops on his computer to see what he is doing b/c she has trust issues with him and the only thing the guy has lied about in over two years is going into some adult chatrooms. She really needs to let it go. I feel pretty bad for the poor guy.

     
    Old 09-05-2003, 06:49 AM   #20
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    My husband and i have a computer each and i never check up on him and i doubt he does on me either. I have out of curiosity checked out a heap of stuff on the net and in Yahoo chat....key word being "curiosity"....anything i've looked at must surely be in the history of my computer (i'm utterly hopeless when it comes to techincal stuff on computers) and if he truly wanted to check on me it would all be there for him to see.

    So what if he did come across an escort site and did look at it. Escort adverts are listed in all newspapers, phone books and in some womens magazines so if he was truly after an escort he doesnt have to look for one on his computer, especially when he knows you are checking up on him.

    You have to get serious about wanting to fix your trust issues b/c it's damn hard for a person to be living under a microscope.


     
    Old 09-05-2003, 08:27 AM   #21
    Djin
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    I agree that trust issues are difficult to get over. What you need to do is take a long, hard look at yourself and, with the help of your counselor, try to figure out where they're coming from. Has anyone cheated on you in the past? The reason I ask is that having such HUGE trust issues just because he lied about going to an adult chat room is very extreme. Lying about something as minor as that is not a big issue. Furthermore, you admitted that the only reason you knew about it in the first place is because you were snooping. So obviously you had trust issues BEFORE that incident.

    Don't let one minor slip on his part set the tone for the rest of your relationship. There can be no intimacy without trust. Trust is one of the main building blocks of a healthy relationship, along with communication and mutual respect.

    Stop nagging your boyfriend about these websites. As several other posters have mentioned, there IS a logical explanation for them. Here's another reason they could be there: He could be sent a lot of junk e-mail containing advertising for these escort sites. Many times, these e-mails are disguised as something from a friend or whatever. If he opened the e-mail, thinking it was something legitimate, BAM, there it is on his history. Stop asking him about it. Your asking repeatedly is not going to change his answer. Sounds to me as if part of you, unconsciously of course, WANTS him to confess to it, whether or not it's true.

    It sounds like you have a great guy, there. Go back and re-read some of what you said about his great qualities. That he told a white lie about the adult chat site is not a huge deal. The fact that you're MAKING it a huge deal will certainly not make him willing to tell you anything similar later.

    Trust means being able to be up front and truthful about everything. That you're having such suspicious reactions to everything is eventually going to wear away his trust in YOU. Is that what you want?

    Sit your boyfriend down, apologize for acting this way, and say you'll work on being better about this (of course, do this only if this is what you feel!!)But also explain to him the importance of being up front and honest about all issues. It's important to feel safe enough in a relationship that you can tell one another anything and not fear the reaction you'll get.

    You'll both need to put forth the effort, but if you feel the relationship is worth saving, you'll do anything.

    Good luck, and keep us posted!

    [This message has been edited by Djin (edited 09-05-2003).]
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    Old 09-05-2003, 09:25 AM   #22
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    Sadgirl,

    You asked me how I found the strength or will to just let my insecurities go. I guess because Iíve had a really good taste of life without him. He did break up with me twice because of my insecurities. Mainly because he couldnít take it anymore and he didnít know what else to do to prove to me that he is trustworthy. When this all came to a head, I cried and cried and cried. Literally I cried hard from 2 in the afternoon until the next morning. I had nothing left. It was affecting everything in my life. I turned depressed. I hated who I was when I acted crazy and insecure. I couldnít concentrate at work (and I just got a huge promotion). I didnít enjoy playing soccer anymore, I viewed it as a chore, and I play twice a week and always looked forward to it. I pulled back and didnít speak to my boyfriend a whole lot, just basic stuff. And finally, I couldnít take it anymore. I went to him (crying) and said I cannot fight with you anymore. And we just hugged each other and that was the last time I had a negative thought about what he is doing. It just isnít worth it to me anymore to focus on the Ďwhat ifsí. It consumed my life. Itís very unhealthy. I had to change in order to make myself happy first. Then his happiness, then came our happiness. I am happy now. As I stated before, I'm not building up stress or having anxiety over snooping anymore and fearing what I may find. I even went as far as to install a key logger on his computer, how pathetic am I. I had no right to do that.

    Sadgirl, you have to come to the point where you want to change. I donít know if you are there or not. Until you are, your relationship will continue as is. It wonít get better. You will be stuck in this same evil pattern until you lose him for good. You can apologize and say you will change all you want to. But more than likely, he wonít forgive you. Again, I was one of the lucky ones.

    Yes, my boyfriend has lied. But what I found was that what he was just doing normal guy things. Now we live together he has changed what he does on the computer and has cancelled subscription magazines, etc. I donít snoop anymore because I donít have to. I totally trust him. I always did. It was just my own insecurities getting in the way.

    If I am tempted to snoop, I force myself to remember how I felt when he left me and I thought we were over for good. Itís the worst feeling in the world. And to jeopardize that just isnít worth it to me anymore. Heís the only thing that matters. I cannot live life by what I *think* he is doing. I wasted so much time concocting scenarios up in my head. It really was crazy. Now the temptation is gone. There is no need for it anymore. Iím glad I am past that. Just FYI, it took me a long time to realize and Iím in my early 30s.

    Hon, I live my life by thisÖ that the truth will always come out. Whether it takes a day, a week, a year, 20 years, the truth always comes out. Just believe in that. If he is, then you will find out. But please stop living your life like he IS always lying when you donít know for sure. You are just going on assumptions. If he says he doesnít know how the links got there, the leave it at that and believe him. You arenít gaining anything by fighting him and repeating the same questions over and over.

    There has to be deeper issues that we donít know of, causing this insecurity. This fear of him lying to you. You have to work on that. You have to work on you in order to change this.

    Did you get to counseling last night? What happened? Have you talked to your boyfriend about things?

    Let me know how you are doing,
    Trooper

     
    Old 09-05-2003, 10:07 AM   #23
    sadgirl03
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    Trooper, thank you so much for your advice. We did go to counseling yesterday and we had a good session. I told the therapist how I am feeling and my bf also told her how he was feeling. We did not hold anything back. He basically says he is skeptical that I can change, because I have said so many times in the past that I will. I realize after reading your post that you and many others who responded are right. I really do need to overcome my insecurities. It is so hard, though.. I have tried so many times. I think about how we used to be so in love - I re-read e-mails he sent me three years ago when we were just starting our relationship and how he said he adored me, and loved me so much and was happy to find someone who really fulfilled him. It brought tears to me eyes re-reading his words and knowing how badly our once happy relationship has deteriorated.

    You are right..the truth (if it is something other than what he's told me) will come out someday so I can't waste my time on thinking he is lying. I just have to believe him. That's what he's been telling me all along. My doubts over his truthfulness now really goes back to how he handled the last lie (about the adult chat site) where he swore to God, on the Bible on his life and even his family that he didn't do it. Then I found out he did go on the site. So, because he reacted like that before, I sometimes think he will have the same reaction now when confronted with something he may have done. I know that I have to expel this kind of thinking from my mind and not judge his current behavior with the past.

    I know that he does love me. He has even told me that he will move wherever I get accepted to school. (I plan on quitting my job at the end of the year and going to law school). That, in itself should be reason for me to know he would not hurt me. But then I think because he loves me so much that he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me things he's done. Yet he says he's past that type of thinking and has pledged to me his honesty no matter what. These are the types of conflicting thoughts in my mind. I know they must be erased.

    Trooper, you mentioned you put a key logger on your bf's computer. I'm not familiar with what that is. Is that a good thing or bad thing? Perhaps I should ask him to do that so I'm not tempted to snoop? Any more advice on what exactly I can do stop my questioning and my desires to snoop would be so helpful.. thank you to all who have put in their two cents.

     
    Old 09-05-2003, 10:56 AM   #24
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    Sadgirl,

    I used to do the same thing. Re-read old e-mails when we first got together. How there was so much love on his end. But slowly the e-mails dwindled and the only reason was because of the huge strain I was putting on the relationship. Now I get e-cards, e-mails, notes, flowers, plants, cdís, etc., Not that he has to do those things to show me he loves me, but he does it because he wants to do it. Things are now like they were before. Mainly because I changed. Because I wanted to change.

    I understand where you are coming from though in how he handled the last Ďlieí. But it is in the past. And you cannot change that. You can only live your life in the now. Itís up to you how you want things to be.

    I refuse to tell you about the keylogger. Trust me, itís for your own good.

    After thinking about this some more. You two live together right. So you pretty much know where he is at. So, even if he did go to an escort site, when would he have time to pursue such a thing? Where would he go? Can you honestly picture him doing something behind your back? I just donít see it.

    You only have the links on his computer as Ďevidenceí and thatís it. And sweetie, that isnít much to go on. Those links could have come from anywhere.

    When you feel the urge to snoop. Stop yourself dead in your tracks and ask yourself what you are going to gain from doing it. Will you find something to harass him about later? Will your stomach get all tied up into knots? Will you get yourself so upset that you cry and it wrecks your day, and then in turn his? Then ask yourself if it is really worth it?

    Keep yourself busy. Go for a walk. Read a book. Just make a conscience effort to STOP snooping. Tell yourself NO MORE. It takes 3 days to break a habit. Try to not snoop for 3 days and see how you feel from there. I know you won't die if you don't snoop. You will actually probably feel pretty good about it. I know after I did it, I felt so guilty and always asked myself, "gee are you happy now?".

    You attend church. Believe in your faith. Believe in him. Get the counseling you need to from your counselor. Even if that means attending one of the sessions by yourself. Lay it all out on the table and then move forward.

    He says he loves you. Believe it. Honestly Sadgirl, if he didnít really, really, really love youÖ that guy would have hightailed it out of the relationship a long time ago. Trust me on that one. Mine did it twice and there is no way that I'm going to let that happen again.

    I'll most likely be off the computer for the weekend. So take care of yourself and try to stay clean from snooping. I expect a full report on Monday.

    Take care, love your boyfriend unconditionally this weekend and see how happy you can be.

    (((HUGS)))
    Trooper

     
    Old 09-05-2003, 10:51 PM   #25
    sadgirl03
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    Thanks for all the kind words, Trooper and others. I am definitely going to work on eliminating my snooping this weekend...and beyond. And if anyone else who had read these posts has ever gone through what I am going through now, your stories/advice really help to put things into perspective for me. I know that I want to be with my boyfriend for the long haul. We would definitely talked about marriage and the future. But we both know that our relationship is not strong enough now to even consider that. Until I can just get rid of my insecurities, we won't be able to reach that point.

    I do have a question for you, Trooper, or anyone else who has gone through what I am dealing with: I have a bad habit of sneaking a peek over my bf's shoulder when he is online - just to see what he is looking at. I know that is very annoying, but how do I avoid doing it? I view that as a little less worse than blatant snooping, but it is still bad and I want to get to the point where I don't have to do that for fear of what he's looking at. Does anyone have any advice?

     
    Old 09-06-2003, 07:43 AM   #26
    MJK98
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    Sadgirl

    I tend to disagree with the other posters and these are my reasons why, basically i am in a similiar situation with the trust issues, my now ex says the same stuff to me , if you don't trust me than why stay or he doesnt have to proves himself to me.....First of all being that i like to think of myself as a strong smart minded women unfortunatley prior to meeting him i was in a horrible relationship one that i let down my guards went against my perception and trusted this guy who turned out to be the biggest pathelogical liar on the planet earth, i again 1 year and a half entered into this present relationship and i really have to tell you that sometimes i would like to shut off my thinking process but i trust myself when it comes to knowing situations...In my world actions speak louder than words......If you are feeling that he isnt on the up and up well then he probably isnt, youc an stay with him and have a life of "catch me if you can" and be a dectective or you can move on and realize that the relationship is way to toxic for you ,,,sometimes loving a person isnt enough......My ex just got divorced 2 days ago i met him when he was legally separated and he came on very strong , charming and wanted to be in love as time went on i fell in love too, he tried so hard to get my guards down and now 9 months later i am in a bad place ...in fact i just called my doctor and asked for zoloft which i never thought i would ever need but my biggest happiest day right now would be too forget the day i met him...He basically mind F*cks me daily , if he see's im losing interest in comes on strong , when i first met him and he told me why his wife wanted to leave him one of the reasons was she accused him of having an affair that he denies and that all he ever did was work hard for his family , that stayed in my head but i gave him a chance not bringing in any of my baggage of distrust, but when a person doesnt back up there words to me and there actions tell me otherwise i can not deal with it
    believe me im in pain right now because i do love him but i dont want him and its breaking the connection with him and thats what i am trying to do as i write..The problem is he works across the street from me and hopefully with in the next few months (construction) will be over and he will leave the site knowing he is across the street from me gives me anxiety but im hoping with taking this zoloft temperarily it will help....my advice is to try and have confidence in your ability to perceive a situation believe in yourself , if something isnt right than your probably right
    Good Luck

     
    Old 09-06-2003, 07:53 AM   #27
    MJK98
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    Sungirl
    one more thing i forget to say my previous relationship with the pathological liar i mentioned
    he had a big thing with the computer and when i snooped i found all sorts of stuff on there, when you go into a porn site or any type of site like that they get your screenname and they forever send stuff, at one time or another he probably did enter those sites
    also if you see he is on the computer alot he probably is corresponding with someone.....Computers have ruined many relationships...my previous boyfriend who i lived with had so much crap going online that i nearly freaked when i found stuff......Its all about control if this guy your with is truly a nice guy he will understand where you are coming from if he isnt than its all about control because he knows how much you love him and he knows that even though you may rant and rave you will stay no matter what
    i dont want to tell you what to do its not my place but i do feel you should put yourself number 1 and if you are unhappy more than happy than you need to make a decision, i am trying very hard to move on and its not easy but my pride is to important to me no one should be able to control how we feel every day and you need to maybe keep a diary of your moods and see how you are effected everyday, i bet when he is nice you are in the best mood and when he does something that dosn't sit well with you you arent
    Good Luck with everyone

     
    Old 09-06-2003, 11:50 AM   #28
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    To the last poster, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am sorry that your situation with your bf is not going well. I agree that making yourself happy should be #1. If your bf does not see that and is making you unhappy, maybe you should reconsider being with him. As for my bf, I have no complaints about him other than how my insecurities affect him. I know he tries to be patient with me but I can tell he is frustrated with all my distrust. He does put up from a lot of "crap" from me, yet he still stands by me in hopes that I will change my ways and my thinking. I don't want to take him for granted. I am going to reminisce about all the good times we had in hopes that will restore our connection with each other. I realize that I am very committed to making this work and I want him to be happy - with me, with us, with everything. I know my actions have driven him further away from me, but it has not driven him to the point where he has actually left me. I don't want it to get to that point.

    And to respond to one of your comments, he does not spend much time on the computer, and when he does, it is to go to legitimate sites. I have made up my mind to not snoop anymore. I figure that if the truth (if it is something different than what he's told me)comes out someday, then it will. But I am going to try not to consume myself with speculation and assumptions that might not even be true. We do have faith in God, so we are praying our spirituality will help us get through this hurdle. Thanks again for sharing and I hope things get better for you.

     
    Old 09-06-2003, 12:39 PM   #29
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    Sadgirl, you sound like you have made some good decisions. In an earlier post I asked if he didn't tell you certain things for fear of your reaction.
    Your plan to stop snooping is very good, I am a natural born snooper so not snooping when all of my sensors are aroused is indeed very hard to do.

    Try figuring out where your insecurities are coming from, past relationships, things that have happened to friends or that you think you are not enough to keep him happy. Back in the 70's there was a book called "Right Man, Right Woman" I read it and dismissed most of it as trash advice but I did glean some good advice from it. The advice that I tried to carry over in my everyday life was: No one wants to come home to a grouchy, ill person, they will even avoid coming home if it spoils their mood. If I am not happy, then no one in my house is going to be happy and want to be there. It takes a while for this to sink in, at least it did for me, I took the stance that if I wasn't happy then I shouldn't have to hold it in. After a while I figured out that is not what the book meant, it meant to create a loving, caring, intimate enviroment that makes someone want to come home to you and only you and be able to share anything at all without fear of you getting angry or crying and accusing. It will take a lot of time but you will get there.

     
    Old 09-06-2003, 06:53 PM   #30
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    Thank you Monday1954 for your post. Coming home grumpy was actually one topic my bf and I talked about in counseling. He said that it's difficult for him when he sees that I am grouchy after I get home from work. Often times, though, it is not my job that got me in the sour mood. (I really enjoy my job) It is the insecure thoughts I have about him during the long commute home that gets me in the grouchy mood before I even enter the house. I know that is something I definitely need to change.

    But you are most definitely right. No one wants to be around someone who is moody, and I definitely am guilty of that and it is not fair to him. I know if my attitude changes that will make a world of difference in our interaction. The way he responds to me has a direct correlation with how I initially interact with him. He is the type of person who will sense right off the bat if there is something bugging me. Plus, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. He usually asks what's wrong but sometimes I know he doesn't want to get into an argument so he does not ask me. He has told me that after the lie he told me earlier in our relationship, he has gotten past the point where he will be afraid of telling me something for fear of my reaction. That's because he says that I have given him grief/heartache over so many other little things that he can basically handle, or is already used to, any reaction I have. Hearing him say that saddens me but at the same time reassures me. I know that I can make his words even more meaningful by fostering a caring and supportive enough environment that should he have to tell me something that's "bad," it won't be so tough for him. Thanks for your insight!

     
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