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    Old 05-16-2010, 03:01 PM   #16
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Let's hope she can figure a way out of this on her own, and I do agree that she's an adult and makes her own decisions, to a degree, but depending on whose statistics you listen to, 3 to 10 women every single day in this country are murdered by a husband or lover. how many of these murders could be prevented if friends and family got more involved?

     
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    Old 05-16-2010, 06:56 PM   #17
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    I don't really have any helpful advice to give you, but I just wanted to say that I can understand your perspective. I have an older sister whom I absolutely adore and cherish completely and if she were in your sister's position, I'm sure I would also be looking for ways to help her. I wouldn't be able to just sit there and watch her make these kinds of choices without saying a word. I would have to say something to her and hope like crazy that she would listen to me!

    I can understand your concern and I'd most likely be doing the same thing you're doing.

     
    Old 05-17-2010, 07:34 AM   #18
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bg0324 View Post
    Again, I kind of think you're reading this as your own situation because your husband's family has hurt you by disliking you and being rude to you. That isn't what I'm trying to do. I feel the guy is dangerous for her. I am worried about her.
    I have also raised her half her life and I feel a responsibility that she is happy and ok.
    I'm very sorry, I didn't know this guy was dangerous, I only thought your family didn't like him. Being a jerk by what he says on the internet is one thing, but trying to control her is a totally different situation. If he has hurt her physically, I can see how you would get involved. Judging him by what he says on the internet? Well, some people say things just to appear tough. I know I would be horrified if I saw every text or internet statement my kids have ever typed. Just because someone says something on the internet, doesn't make it true or doesn't even mean that's how they really feel. He could just be trying to impress.

    You mentioned that you raised her half of her life, is she alot younger? I have older siblings that were nearly teenagers when I was born and my older sister especially, is very, very protective of me. She will worry if I don't call her at least once a week! It drives me bananas how she worries, but I always know I have a mother figure if I need one. Be there for your sister, but don't worry so much that it ruins your own health, she has a right to make her own mistakes, even though I know it's hard to watch someone go through unnecessary hurt.

     
    Old 05-17-2010, 08:05 AM   #19
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    My "niece" (ex's niece, to whom I'm very close) is going through something not really the same, but a bad situation. Her BF doesn't like her to go anywhere without him. Every time I take her somewhere (I'm pretty much her only friend, all her friends have given up), her BF gives her a hard time. He demands oral sex from her in order for him to give his "permission" for her to go somewhere and if she doesn't for some reason, he starts an argument. Then, the entire time she's out, he bombards her with calls and texts...non-stop, until she's in tears. He accuses her of being drunk, using drugs and hooking up with guys. Then, when she gets home (they live together), he berates her for days, "punishing" her for having the nerve to have any friends or activities without him. She's finally concluded that it's just too much of a hassle to deal with his crap, so she's decided to just sit at home all the time. She's started ignoring my calls and texts (her BF hates me because I take her shopping, to lunch and to other activities, therefore I'm evil) or she makes up weak excuses to not get together with me. She's only "allowed" to spend time with her other aunt or her grandfather...that's it. So now she lives this sad life where she just sits at home doing nothing. He even put a password on the computer so she can't talk to anyone online, and he bought her a new phone with a new number (he paid for it, so he has the right to decide who she talks to with it!!!).

    This is such a sad situation, because she does have a supportive family who will help her, but she chooses to stay with him because she feels she has nowhere else to go, and he keeps insisting he "loves" her and can't live without her. All I can do is let her know that I am here if she needs me and if things ever get out of hand she has people who can help. This guy has shoved her around a few times, but he convinced her it was her fault for making him angry (talking to a friend, not giving him oral sex when he demands it).

    I know you're trying to prevent your sister from getting into this kind of situation. All you can do is let her know you love her and always will, and if she ever needs anything all she has to do is let you know. And tell her she never needs to feel ashamed or embarassed if she needs help, because you'd never blame her or give her a hard time.
    I'm so sorry about your niece. I think it's great you're staying in her life. I've been the only one to really hang on in my sister's too, except our immediate family. I've been reading a book called "why does he do that" and it's about abusive and controlling men and describes her boyfriend to a t. If she could read it, preferably away from him for her safety, it might help her. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

     
    Old 05-17-2010, 08:07 AM   #20
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    Let's hope she can figure a way out of this on her own, and I do agree that she's an adult and makes her own decisions, to a degree, but depending on whose statistics you listen to, 3 to 10 women every single day in this country are murdered by a husband or lover. how many of these murders could be prevented if friends and family got more involved?
    Completely agree, which is why I'm pushing her on this. I'm afraid and I don't want her to be a statistic. That's kind of what I'm searching for is a happy middle ground where I can give her advice, help her, encourage her to get free of him but not alienate.

     
    Old 05-17-2010, 08:17 AM   #21
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
    I'm very sorry, I didn't know this guy was dangerous, I only thought your family didn't like him. Being a jerk by what he says on the internet is one thing, but trying to control her is a totally different situation. If he has hurt her physically, I can see how you would get involved. Judging him by what he says on the internet? Well, some people say things just to appear tough. I know I would be horrified if I saw every text or internet statement my kids have ever typed. Just because someone says something on the internet, doesn't make it true or doesn't even mean that's how they really feel. He could just be trying to impress.

    You mentioned that you raised her half of her life, is she alot younger? I have older siblings that were nearly teenagers when I was born and my older sister especially, is very, very protective of me. She will worry if I don't call her at least once a week! It drives me bananas how she worries, but I always know I have a mother figure if I need one. Be there for your sister, but don't worry so much that it ruins your own health, she has a right to make her own mistakes, even though I know it's hard to watch someone go through unnecessary hurt.
    You're totally right, and that's where I have to find a middle ground. I'm worried about her and I'm just unsure how to be supportive and yet be sure she knows I think he's something to worry about. I'm sure I drive her bananas too. I'm six years older than her and when I was fifteen my Mom fell apart and I have a Navy Dad who wasn't around so I took care of her and my brother. When I started college it interfered with her extracurriculars so I dropped out for a while to take care of her. I eventually went back and got my bachelors but I gave up a lot to be there for her and my brother. I don't mind, I did it because I love them and I want their lives to be amazing. A couple years later I got pregnant and married my boyfriend. He became quite abusive, eventually threatening the life of me and my infant son. Had he not activated my "mama bear" instincts I really think I would have put up with him until he killed me because I just thought that little of myself at that time. That relationship has taken me ten years to start to move past. I don't want that for her. I feel blessed by my life, I have a family I love, a job I love, an incredible son, great friends, dogs that I love, on and on. But I don't want her to struggle like I have.

     
    Old 05-17-2010, 08:25 AM   #22
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Aww, that made me wish I had a sister

     
    Old 05-17-2010, 09:32 AM   #23
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    Re: fed up with sister's boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bg0324 View Post
    I'm so sorry about your niece. I think it's great you're staying in her life. I've been the only one to really hang on in my sister's too, except our immediate family. I've been reading a book called "why does he do that" and it's about abusive and controlling men and describes her boyfriend to a t. If she could read it, preferably away from him for her safety, it might help her. Prayers and thoughts are with you.
    Unfortunately, I am not really "in" her life, because she's chosen to adhere to his controlling rules so as to not anger him. I did let her know that if she ever changed her mind she was welcome to contact me at any time. But for now, she's cut out everyone but her BF, his sister (whom he's recruited to "watch" her), her aunt (who is married with 3 kids and never goes out, so he's decreed that she's ok) and her grandparents. Her life seems so small and sad to me, and every so often she texts me to say she can't take it anymore...then she stays. And stays and stays. I am hoping one of these days she comes to her senses, she did leave him one time but came back the next day because he sobbed, screamed, begged and put on a huge, very public scene and she was convinced that he can't live without her...

    I think you are doing all you can at this point...someday your sister may run to you and I'm sure you'll be there with open arms welcoming her.
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