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  • Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

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    Old 07-08-2010, 06:48 PM   #16
    Melonely
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

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    Originally Posted by fcp View Post
    I don't think your crazy, but a little too sensitive. Sometimes guys are not as smooth and carefull as we are with words. That doesn't mean that they don't love/like us. My husband is way too honest sometimes. I would much rather have that ( because I know its honest) than a smooth talker. It depends on you and what you want. In my opinion you just have to learn to not get upset over things that don't matter.
    Interesting, my boyfriend is the same and once told me I should date so and so if I want a smooth talker (ie, common friends who are hypocrites with women). I'm wondering if I'm willing to stick to his lack of subtleness on the long run though.

     
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    Old 07-09-2010, 06:32 AM   #17
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

    Like I said, it depends on you and what you need. For me it works fine. Of course everything has a limit, I'm not saying that I would rather be with a jerk, but I like honesty myself with sugar toppings. I want to hear it the way it is. You know when we are going out and we ask them how do we look or whatever, I appreciate him telling me once in a while that he doesn't like what I am wearing, even make jokes about it at the moment. I don't get upset.
    I must say it takes a while to get to that point though. Now I am old and confident enough to want a man's opinion without getting upset if I don't like what I hear. If my husband snaps once in a while, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, or that he is trying to control me or whatever..he is just having a bad day or whatever. As long as its not something very offensive I let it go and don't even talk about it. Eventually he will come and say he is sorry for snapping, and I try to turn it into a joke like "oh yea now you owe me so how about a massage".
    Like I said, it works for me..doesn't mean that it works for everybody. One thing I know though is that we women should be confident in our self to not take everything personally and not nag over every little thing.

     
    Old 07-09-2010, 12:17 PM   #18
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

    I sometimes have the same issue with my bf, he's a bit insensitive but I think that's just the way he was raised, however, he has shown weakness and intimacy but sometimes some of the things he says are REALLY hurtful, but, I know for a fact that I am way TOO sensitive and that everything hurts me, but that's due a lot of other emotional baggage that I'm trying to deal with.

    I think sometimes it's better not to speak about those things and make everything too complicated, enjoy the time you have and dont worry about all that, it's a difficult thing to do, especially for a female (especially me), but I'm learning to do it.

     
    Old 07-09-2010, 12:44 PM   #19
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

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    Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
    Except, I think he has an actual or potential alcohol problem, and he tells me that I have to stop bringing that up, which is code for "or else this relationship will end". Of course, drinking less wasn't even an option, the only option is I have to stop bringing it up.
    No, you have another option. If his drinking, and other things, really are bothering you that much, you have the option to stop seeing him and find someone who is better suited to you and your wants and needs.

    It sounds to me like you have gotten to a point where you have started to love him for who you hope he'll be someday, rather than who he really is, and that's not good. I mean, how many men do you know who watch Oprah and Dr. Phil every day? Self improvement is not usually a priority with most men. They don't change who they are. We women tend to think that just because we are so adaptable and so willing to change who we are in order to make someone else happy, that men should do the same for us. But they don't. Men aren't the same as we are. They are much less adaptable. who they are at 18 is pretty much who they are the day they die.

    You need to start dealing with who he is rather than who you wish he was. He's a heavy drinker, and he's made it clear that won't change. I had the same issue with someone I was dating, too. I made the mistake of trying to talk him into being a little more mindful of how much he drank, especially since his father was a raging alcoholic, never recovered. But all he did was get irritated that I even brought it up. You need to focus on you and what you really want, what you are willing to take, what you're not, what you're willing to let go of, and what you're not, and whether this relationship is worth the things you have to give up in order to be in it. You need to stop thinking you can change him. Deal with him as he is and decide whether or not you want to be with who he is.

     
    Old 07-09-2010, 01:37 PM   #20
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

    I just have a question in regards to this: what if our partner wants us to change because our behavior is unhealthy and WE know this and want this too, although it may be difficult and we may struggle to accomplish it, is that acceptable?

     
    Old 07-09-2010, 02:08 PM   #21
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
    I just have a question in regards to this: what if our partner wants us to change because our behavior is unhealthy and WE know this and want this too, although it may be difficult and we may struggle to accomplish it, is that acceptable?
    It's perfectly fine to want someone to change because their behavior is unhealthy or destructive. But it is NOT okay to tell them they need to change. People can change, but they have to WANT to change. Not for me, not for my children, but for themselves. Otherwise, it will not last and they will very often resent you for it.

     
    Old 07-09-2010, 02:58 PM   #22
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    Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

    Yeah, and digmusic, your guy has made it pretty clear he most certainly does NOT want to change, doesn't think he needs to change, has no plans or desire, or for that matter, no reason to change, as far as he's concerned. If the implication of what he said to you is "leave me alone about my drinking or we're done" then he'd rather drink than keep you. You also need to take that into consideration when deciding whether this is a relationship you want to continue to invest in.

     
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