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    Old 07-15-2010, 01:51 AM   #31
    lor7789
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    Re: Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

    After reading this thread I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I to have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and have been having the SAME EXACT feelings you describe since February 2010. I to am incredibly close to my family and constantly have the need to "fix" their problems, and I especially worry about my father due to his recent health issue this past January. I hate this feeling and I wish I would stop questioning the relationship and trying to figure out whats wrong with it.

    Its comforting to know others have the same problem and its giving me that extra push to continue on with the relationship.

     
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    Old 07-15-2010, 07:39 AM   #32
    scaredconfused
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    Re: Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

    Hi everyone, like I've said before, I hate that you guys have to go through the same thing as me, because obviously I understand how awful it is, but it is SO SO comforting to come on here and read your posts when I am at my wit's end with this! All of your posts really resonate with me, and I hope and pray all the time that we will all get better.

    PG, medication is a funny one for me - during the eating disorder I mentioned, I was put on a high dosage of Prozac. At the time it seemed to work, but looking back now I do wonder if it was just a placebo effect - the doctor I'm currently seeing believes that anxiety is an electrical imbalance rather than a chemical one, and I know when I was put on Prozac the second time (for anxiety), I felt absolutely awful. When I went back to my doctor she admitted that the Prozac often made people feel numb and anxious in the first couple of weeks, and it was possibly a mistake to put me back on it given how awful I already felt. She is still pushing the beta-blocker she put me on (Half Indrel), but I haven't taken it since she gave them to me. In a strange way, I would rather have the physical symptoms of anxiety accompanying the mental symptoms, as the physical remind me that it IS an illness - the thoughts in my head aren't real!

    Your use of alcohol and cigarettes also makes sense to me - you used those things in the way that I used my eating disorder - so little of what I used to do was about being thin, it was really just a coping mechanism. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to my bad habits too, because it made everything else seem bearable, but thankfully the treatment I had has instilled it into me that going down that route again will not make any difference - the problem isn't that I'm fat, it's that I can't cope with the constant anxiety and guilt I feel with regards to my family. I truly believe that this anxiety over my relationship is the same thing - I'm picking holes in something which is FINE (I was never fat, but I convinced myself I was/ I was never not in love but I have convinced myself otherwise) because of some sort of guilt/unhappiness I am feeling elsewhere. And now I'm aware of that fact, I'm increasingly aware of the little cruel comments my parents make about my boyfriend and our relationship.

    I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (I probably have), but my doctor believes that whatever we learn as children is instilled somewhere in our brain, and that part of our brain will follow what we learned to the letter, regardless of whether it is true or not. For me, my parents have never been happily married - something which my Mum told me from a very young age. I asked the doctor if that would have had an effect on me - and he said it would have been very damaging. So in your past PG, you spent months knowing that something was wrong and no one was able to tell you what was wrong - could it be you're applying the same experience to your relationship, only to find this time that there actually is NOTHING wrong?!

    By the way, I too have looked at other websites and been very upset with what I found - you just have to remember that there are some very insensitive people out there, and that the internet is full of stuff which is completely untrue. One thing that worries me most is that no one can tell you how you feel about love and relationships - there isn't a set way of telling if you are still in love or not - like when I thought I was fat, there was a wealth of scientific evidence to suggest that I wasn't - there isn't the same thing for what we're feeling. One thing I did read which really helped me though was someone on another website saying that love is a choice - we've been conditioned to believe that it should be this wonderful, magical thing, where you're happy all the time, but in reality it's just not like that. Love is hard work, and it's a CHOICE.

    To illustrate what I mean, last time I was at the doctor's, he did an exercise with me which made me tap in to my unconscious. Halfway through the exercise, he asked me to imagine someone sitting with me, and told me I could do whatever I want with that person. Of course, I was sitting with my boyfriend, and all I wanted to do was tell him that I love him - but I couldn't do it. I came round from the exercise in the middle of a panic attack, crying and shaking, and completely unable to breathe. The doctor asked me what I dream about - and normally I dream about a lot of nonsense. He explained that that is what the unconscious mind does - it takes what we have learned (and as a child I learned that relationships were an unhappy thing) and follows it exactly - no interpretation, no understanding, nothing. But in my conscious mind, I KNOW that I love him, that I have never stopped loving him, that I always will love him - that I CHOOSE to love him. It's just that, for whatever reason, my conscious mind got so exhausted that the unconscious has taken over, and is trying to get me to follow what it learned when I was a child - that it's dangerous and upsetting to be in a relationship, that it is much better to just carry on with my family - nothing else. Does that make any sense at all?

    The same kind of thing happened the other day - my Mum started telling me how I was being selfish and inconsiderate by not going on holiday with them, and all of a sudden I just couldn't take it any more, couldn't fight it any more - my unconscious took over, told me that it would be easier and less painful to just do what she said, and give everything up. Thankfully, I called my boyfriend and he came and took me away from the situation for a few days. Whilst my anxiety wasn't cured (lots of derealisation and bizarre, upsetting thoughts) I could push the symptoms away a lot better than before, and had more time feeling like myself than I ever did at home. Now I'm back home, and my family's problems got loaded on to me straight away - cue me feeling rotten again!

    Oli, I saw your thread on here a while back and I meant to respond to it, but by the time I went to do it, it had gone! I understand how you feel - I was always very shy when I was younger too, my friends used to say that I was practically mute! When I started going out with my boyfriend I had all those thoughts too, to the extent that our first New Year as a couple, I worried he thought I was a weirdo because I wanted to spend it with him but couldn't say it! I have gone through constant worries since then, even believing for a while that he was really sick and I was going to lose him (there was nothing wrong with him). But the worry that I don't love him seems to have stuck for just now, and believe me, there have been times when I have come close to ending it all because it just gets too hard - but then I remember what an incredible guy he is, and how stupid I would be to ever give him up. You need to remember that this is all coming from somewhere else, which is SO hard sometimes because your brain gets too tired to fight it, but you HAVE to. Like I said before, love is a choice, and the fact that you're choosing to stick it out speaks volumes - far more than the negative thoughts in your head.

    And don't ever worry about writing too much - as you can see, I'm the champion at that - we just have a lot to say and to get out!

    Kat, I'm really glad you found us It's comforting to hear from someone who is in exactly the same position - I know that the need to 'fix' things for your family is absolutely exhausting, and that's what has happened to me - I hit the wall, I couldn't do any more, and I think it is that which has made me question my relationship. Like, as a couple, the way I see it is that you have to be there for one another, and if there's something which is weighing you down already, you can't do that job properly. Because of the issues within my family, I've carried them for so long, but it has got to the point now that it has to come to a choice - I can either tell my family 'no more', or I can give up on my relationship. And, having seen the reaction from my family when I told them I couldn't do it any more (NOT positive, believe me!), I know it will be difficult, but I will have to walk away from them. My boyfriend has shown me nothing but love, patience and encouragement. My family will do the same, so long as it is on THEIR terms, in THEIR time, and nothing else. It's tearing me apart, but I have to do it.


    So, after all that rambling - can I ask - does anyone have completely bizarre and unreal thoughts?! Like yesterday I wondered if I was gay, which is COMPLETELY weird because I have never had ANY inclination, but it popped into my head and it just wouldn't leave (and of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay). Any thoughts?

    Last edited by ms_mod; 07-15-2010 at 08:36 AM. Reason: Removed text message, chat room language and replaced it with the proper words as per the posting policy. Ms_Mod

     
    Old 07-15-2010, 07:47 AM   #33
    scaredconfused
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    Re: Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

    Oh, and also (I told Pam about this already), my doctor let me listen to an amazing song last session - it's by a folk singer called Dougie Maclean, and the chorus goes 'You can fall, but you must not lie down'. It was written for his wife I was told, who went through some similar problems. I think the message is true - this anxiety might make us fall, but it will never defeat us.

     
    Old 07-15-2010, 11:31 AM   #34
    pam29
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    Re: Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

    Hi Kat,

    I'm glad you found us. I had actually seen your post just a few weeks ago on another thread which was back in April and couldn't believe how much I could relate. I worry about my dad a lot ever since one of his brothers ( my uncle) passed away. My dad has sleep apnea ( stops breathing in his sleep) and for the longest time, if he fell asleep watching t.v I would check to make sure he was still breathing. He recently just had a test done on his heart because he has an irregular heart beat. He got the results and thankfully everything is fine but doctors are always watching him. As I get older it's like I feel the need to take care of him. I don't worry about my mom as much. As for my sister, I want the world for her and just want her to be happy. She's a few years older then me and with moving out, i feel like I'm leaving her. Oh god, hear comes the tears : ( It makes sense that you started freaking out in February if your dads health became an issue in January. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    I can't believe how anxiety can make you feel and what it does to you. It's so upsetting that we have to go through this but nice to know there are others out there with a similar situation. I sometimes dream that someone is attacking my family ( ie: breaking into our house at knife point or a tiger attacking my dad are a few dreams I've had) and I need to protect them. Last night I actually dreamed that my sister got fed up with my parents so she was leaving. I felt so empty because I thought I would never see her again. This all stems back to my separation anxiety. I'm so afraid of loosing my family and wondering how they will be when I leave and how I will be when I leave, it makes me question if I really love and want to be with my fiance. It's so annoying because as soon as I find my happy thoughts they're wiped away with anxiety filled thoughts. My sister keeps telling me its just my fear and anxiety and that I truly do love and want to be with my fiance. My doctor also said it's my fear and that I just need to move out. How pathetic does that sound??? I'm afraid to leave home so I question my feelings. Some days I feel like I'm so weak.

    scaredconfused,

    I've never consciously thought I was gay but I've for sure had dreams that I was. Not sure where those dreams come from but just letting you know. It's crazy the thoughts that anxiety can cause. My mother as long as I can remember has stressed like crazy, at one point she suffered from a bit of depression ( when her mother passed away. I took that very hard, I was 10 and I was extremely close to my granny. I miss her everyday and pray to her all the time asking her to help me through my anxiety). Sometimes I would wonder if she was really ever happy. (Sometimes she would be watching ridiculous shows on t.v like "teens gone wild" and she would always be like " come here and watch this". I always threatened her I can be like that if she wants if she thinks my sister and I were so bad sometimes.) To your blueprint theory, it makes sense that I mimic my mother ( stress to the max). I also found out that anxiety runs in her family so I have for sure inherited it ( apparently a few of my aunts had a hard time leaving home as well, would cry a lot). I know exactly what you mean about medication. I haven't been on any but I've heard horror stories about it making you numb and I don't like that. I'd rather feel it all and know that's it's something I suffer from then to just feel numb to the world. I actually get like that now. If I'm not feeling my anxiety pains that I get in my chest it's like I'm numb to everything. That scares me so much sometimes. All I want so much is too feel the happiness and love I have in my heart for my fiance but it's so hard to ignore the anxiety. It's so true that you can't always listen or take in what you've read. When I was first diagnosed with separation anxiety i kept searching the net for sites that said what I was going through and how it can make you feel. It wasn't always the greatest thing to do and I know I have for sure taken things people say the wrong way which doesn't help. I do have an aunt that I can't talk to at all because she doesn't understand. She would just say " well do you love him, are you being true to yourself" She even was kind of going against what my doctor said I was suffering from. She was thinking, there must be a reason why I'm feeling this way and not the anxiety.

    PG, I've never been much of a drinker or have ever smoked but I'm glad to hear you're fighting the temptation I've read that people who suffer from anxiety tend to turn to drugs and alcohol which is not a way to live life. Stay strong and I know it's so much easier said then done but it's all we can do. I must say it's comforting to know someone who is married and dealing with this anxiety because I will be there soon enough. Does your wife know how you feel and what goes through your mind? I was honest with my fiance and he doesn't worry too much about it because he know's it's my anxiety.

    Oli, stay strong, you are so young and have so much life to live and grow with. High school can be very hard at times. I can sympathize with the over thinking and worrying. I missed a lot of school because I stressed way too much. Keep fighting through the anxiety and talk to friends and family. You need positive support. Oh, and you didn't write too much, we all have a lot on our minds and have finally found a place to let it out with out being judged. We are here to listen and help each other.

    We are all here for each other and it's great to know we're not alone. I am so happy that we found this thread and I really want to keep hearing from everybody. Stay positive!

    Last edited by pam29; 07-15-2010 at 01:30 PM.

     
    Old 07-15-2010, 03:35 PM   #35
    kerric
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    Re: Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

    I'm 42 and have been living with anxiety and panic attacks all my life. Your not crazy! I feel the same way about my husband on about a weely basis. If we even have a slight disagreement I feel like I don't love him anymore and he doesnt love me. I feel for you. I have just learned to take my meds and ride it out, I will love him again in a couple of days. I keep a diary to get my feeling out and that seems to help alot.

     
    Old 07-16-2010, 04:58 AM   #36
    pam29
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    Re: Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

    Hi Kerric,

    Thank you for sharing your anxiety. It's very reassuring to know that married couples go through the same thing. I wish you didn't have too, well, I wish we all didn't have this anxiety problem but again thanks for sharing. I don't take any meds but I do a lot of natural remedies which help ( I've been to a natural path and get acupuncture done with traditional Chinese Herbal medicine which is great). I notice if I've been slacking on taking it I start to freak out more and have a harder time controlling the anxiety. I will be getting married in the next year or so so I'm really reassured to know some else who's married and dealing with this. My fiance and I very rarely fight but we will argue. I know he loves me to death, some days I actually think he loves me more however sometimes if he isn't in a great mood and is kind of quiet and grumpy I automatically think I did something wrong and he's mad at me or doesn't love me. Anxiety is such a viscous cycle.

    I don't keep a diary but I talk to my sister about everything all the time. She has been my rock as long as I can remember and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her.

    Any ways, thanks for sharing and please keep posting. It's great to know how everyone is doing.

    Last edited by pam29; 07-16-2010 at 07:51 AM.

     
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