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    Old 08-12-2010, 02:57 AM   #61
    IainDonald
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    kewood;

    Third time lucky this is the third time i`ve tried to reply last couple of days, me and technology don`t always get along.
    I`m the same with regards to letting myself sink into a depressed state i`ve been doing it lately and not fully knowing it, i always try to stay positive no matter what and try to keep my life going at a million miles an hour what with my rockclimbing, my football (soccer), and the wee day project i attend along with other people in a similar place on their recovery as me and when i go there i like to be positive so hopefully it may rub off on someone who`s not having a good day, it`s just sometimes it`s really hard to remain positive and i get mentally tired. The problem i face is i was born and brought up in Aberdeen Scotland and moved to Glasgow about 3 years ago, all my family still live there and although i`ve plenty of good friends in Glasgow at times i can feel so alone and it drives me crazy sometimes, emotions are strange and at the same time wonderful things i`ll probably never understand fully.
    It`s been 2 months since my girlfriend split up with me and i still find i`m hanging onto something that is probably no longer there. I can`t seem to move on and when it catch`s up with me it break`s me like a twig and i end up having a bad day.
    But i guess this is just life and we`ve all got to accept life on life`s terms, life`s terms can seem wrong to me and i have to watch this way of thinking cause i`ve done this kind of thinking before and i can find myself loosing faith in life itself. But i suppose tomorrows another day. Hopefully i did`nt bore you to much probably not even relavent to anything. apart from keeping in contact. Take care. Iain

    Last edited by mod-anon; 08-12-2010 at 06:22 AM. Reason: removed quote

     
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    Old 08-12-2010, 05:31 AM   #62
    IainDonald
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Heh ILB how`s life treating you two hope your life and your program are working for you so far remember it`s nae a sprint recovery is all about the marathon so easy does it. I don`t know what you and your husband do with regards to hobbies or activities but i would suggest finding something you enjoy doing outside your work or whatever cause constantly working and doing nothing else can end up making life seem like a bore and not worth taking part in.
    I started rockclimbing and play football 2 or 3 times a week if nothing else it makes the task of recovery more enjoyable and i believe you must try and enjoy your recovery because it makes it a lot easier in the long run.
    Take Care. Iain.

     
    Old 08-17-2010, 01:05 PM   #63
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Iain,
    I hear you about "life on life's terms". It gets me so mad because I often dislike life's terms as well and want things on MY terms. I know sometimes I get really annoyed at the little AA sayings and ditty's like "one day at a time", "life on life's terms", "let go", etc. but it's only because they are true! I don't like to admit that I don't have control over almost anything in life and I struggle against those things which only makes life harder for me. I do just need to let go and accept life on life's terms whether I like it or not, that's just HOW IT IS! Maybe when I can learn to do that, I will find life is a bit easier and I'm a bit happier? It's possible I guess. I will try this week to see if I can just accept life on life's terms without the fighting and struggling and see how it impacts my life, day to day. Will get back to you on that. Thanks for the kind thoughts, Iain. Hope you have a great week!

    KEW

     
    Old 08-18-2010, 02:50 AM   #64
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    "Holding hands across the globe" although none of us really know eachother the battle is the same wherever you are and whatever you do, all we can do is make sure whatever we do, we stay focused, life up untill now has dealt me a good few blows, some my own fault, some outwith my control, all these have made me into someone who finds it hard to trust anyone and have realised thats why in the past i`ve kept myself to myself because if the only person you trust is yourself you can only blame yourself if you end up getting hurt, this unfortunatly can and has led to a very lonely excistance, even recently i`ve found myself coming out of my shell and trusting only once again to be let down and being hurt, this in turn has led me to question my faith in all people which is unfair because not everyone is out to hurt me, but everytime i do get hurt i reset myself to my default setting of not trusting anyone,this is where i`m at at the moment, things get so grey and messed up in my head that a return to the chaos of my using life seem`s more appealing than the torment that life can deal me.
    It`s quit confussing sometimes and i end up giving myself a massive headache thinking about it. MUST STAY STRONG even when faced with what seem`s like defeat, life has always had a knack of defeating me or should i say i have a knack of giving in to defeat when faced with it.
    It`s all about the eternal struggle between the demons on one shoulder and my angels on the other. But if you never try you`ll never know. Talk to you soon. Take care Kew

     
    Old 08-18-2010, 02:58 AM   #65
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Guys
    Lifes been a bit tough this week. I know we all do it drop our bundle at times especially when things are a struggle. Why is it that people like is seem to have to struggle so much? Hi Ian my husband and I ride motor bikes and I play basketball he refs basketball. Still we find it hard to find time between work and recovery and just life. Ian you are so right about the marathon. I am inclined to try and race to the finish line as quickly as I can and along the way I get lost and stumble over the obstacles I didnt see coming. This week has been a big obstacle to my recovery. I have been challenged on all levels and am happy to say I am still on the program and still hanging in there. Kew you sound so like me in your thinking. I bet it gets so loud in your head sometimes you cannot hear yourself think? I get overwhelmed sometimes by all the noise in my head and the pictures that constantly play. If I allow them to get the better of me I sink into depression and then start thinking about self harm stuff. But like I said before you just have to ride the wave and it does eventually get better. When things get too much I think of my friends on the other side ofthe world and it lifts my spirits to know that I am not alone. Thanks
    ILB

     
    Old 08-18-2010, 03:25 AM   #66
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    I said this to Kew "holding hands around the globe" amazing.
    We must always try to keep our spirits alive, there are constantly things in every day life that want to do nothing more than defeat our spirit, these things have been all to present in my life lately partly due to my own doing getting involved with people (a girl) i`d no business getting involved with and ending up being hurt this is what happen`s when you put you trust in someone, it`s made me question my belief in people and has made me return to trusting only myself, this has a side affect of creating what seem`s like a very lonely excistance. The torment that life has a habbit(maybe not the best choice of word) of dealing me always seem`s unfair and i end up thinking the chaos of my using life is more appealing, this is what i call magical thinking, and this is the way i`ve been thinking lately.
    WHY CAN`T LIFE BE, MAYBE NOT SIMPLE BUT FORGIVING? If you can answer this question your a better person than i could ever hope to be.
    Guess i`ve got to just remember and be strong all drugs ever gave me was an escape from reality, i have to accept that reality may not always be what you expect it to be.
    This is Iain Donald signing off from the other side of the world, Take care out there troups it`s a jungle.

     
    Old 08-19-2010, 10:46 AM   #67
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hey guys,
    It sounds like we've all been struggling a bit and I'm sorry that's the case. ILB, how do you keep yourself from sinking into the depression, self harm, etc. I have been doing the same and I think it's because I can't get negative thoughts out of my head....I keep thinking, "I'll always feel this way, things are never going to get better, I'll be an 80 year old lady and still struggling with this", etc. etc. It's just my natural way to think negatively and I want to turn it around, I just don't know how. I'm trying to combat each negative thought or message with a positive one but it is just so hard. Why does it have to be so HARD to accept reality and live life on "life's terms"??? WHY? Why do some people do it so easily, with such grace and simple happiness? Why can't I be one of them? Now I'm wallowing in my own self-pity which just seems to keep the cycle of negativity fed & thriving.
    Iain, when you said, "i end up thinking the chaos of my using life is more appealing, this is what i call magical thinking, and this is the way i`ve been thinking lately.", I can so relate to it! I want to have the ease of not thinking so much, of being in a fog, of not caring. Sobriety is HARD! I never knew it could be so hard just plugging along trying to accept the realities of life, deal with the feelings that I don't like to feel, the people in my life who seem to get by so easily. I know the reality is that using is not the answer, it's just a temporary fix which causes more problems in the long run. I have to keep encouraging myself to go on and stay sober and keep working on this. I know someday it will be worth it but it's just hard not knowing when that day will come. Will it be weeks, months, years....? How can I make it through all of the days in between? I guess that's why "one day at a time" has to be the way we look at it, right? We couldn't possibly survive if we thought of the work that lies ahead of us and got ourselves overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel as if I just freeze and can not do anything. It's like the overwhelming feelings, thoughts, emotions just get to a point that I don't know what to do so I don't do anything. I just want to sleep my life away sometimes.
    I need to think positively, I need to be around people who can help me do that. I can relate about the trust thing, Iain. I have always had a very difficult time trusting people. I think it goes back to crap in my childhood but I am SO terrified of getting hurt that I don't trust and like you, keep people out of my life and therefore can get pretty lonely. Luckily I have a wonderful partner but I need to reach out more and begin to slowly know that it's ok to trust people. I bet that's why it's so great to have the two of you online here....I can trust you more easily because we don't really know one another but in another way, we are so similar I feel like I've known you both for my whole entire life! Well, I am just rambling on now....I'd better get back to work. When I feel like quitting, I too think of you both working hard on your own struggles and recovery and it does give me strength to keep on keeping on. Take care both of you and my thoughts are with you!

    KEW

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 02:34 AM   #68
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Like you said Kew, i get a great deal of strength from reading similar stories as well sounds silly you get strength from hearing about other peoples misery but it`s more to do with the fact you don`t feel alone it`s even more amazing talking to friends at opposite ends of the earth,
    anyway i`ve nothing new to report, still battling my demons and searching for some angels.
    Always living in hope

    Last edited by mod-anon; 08-20-2010 at 03:45 AM. Reason: removed quote

     
    Old 08-21-2010, 08:53 AM   #69
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Guys
    Kew there is no easy answer and unfortunately form what I am learning it does take a bit of hard work. But the way I am trying to look at it is I have this amazing opportunity to put my life back together again and each time I am ready to face another challenge then one comes my way. I believe that we will never be given anyting more than we can cope with. We often see ourselves as weak when in fact we are very strong. When I share with people what I am going through ( and thats not alot of people the trust thing) they are mazed that I can do this work full time and have reasonable quality of life. We are unique I too struggle with thoughts and the need to constantly keep them in check. The self harming thoughts are very strong at the moment and I have had a couple of relapses with this. I believe it is because I am no longer numbing my memories and the feelings and thoughts that come with those. The hardest thing is to not act on the thought. I believe we will always be challenged with thoughts of using, self harm etc as these are the tools we used to cope with out trauma from the past. Its learning new ways to cope and to allow the thoughts to be there but choose not to act on them. I dont know how many times a day I think about using it would be numerous, but with the cravings under control I can acknowledge the thought and then let it go as I make the choice to not act on it. You sound so much like me. I am inclined to think ahead and allow my thoughts to get away from me with thinking what if this happens or this happens? You know none of us knows when our time will be up and to waste time worrying about what might happen is pointless. Living in the now is a challenge believe me I know. You will find that if you are having therapy and dealing with some of the trauma the old coping methods will come flooding back, as our subconscious mind has not caught up yet and still thinks that this is the way to deal with the pain, shame, guilt etc. We have to train our mind all over again. It does get easier and I believe staying sober is definelty worth the fight as we all know how much worse things get when we use. I have been really depressed the past week and have wanted to climb under a bed somewhere and stay there for ever. My drug addiction and mental illness have all but destroyed my marriage and I struggle to come to terms with this. My husband is tired and just does not understand depression at all and reacts badly when I am depressed. I found myself thinking way ahead and pondering on what will happen if we dont make it. This put me into quite a state and led to some minor self harming stuff and self hatred crept back in. The hardest person to forgive and to trust again is oursleves. When you feel that sinking feeling and chaos breaks loose in your head reach out to someone you can trust and let them help you through it. Remember that this too will pass. It wasnt that long ago you were on top of the world and you will be again. Ride the wave and you will soon have your feet back on the ground again and asking yourself "what the hell was that all about."
    Talk to the little girl inside you and tell her that it will all be ok that you will not hurt her. I know you know what I mean when I say this.
    Iain thanks for your little statements I get love them and they really help pick me up. Keep searching for those angles mate they are there Stay strong!
    ILB

     
    Old 08-23-2010, 04:08 AM   #70
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    ilovebikes07;

    You found yourself thinking way ahead and pondering on what MIGHT happen SHOULD your marriage fail, i can`t help you with that one unfortunatly only you know your husband all i can quote is something you wrote yourself that is "why waste time thinking what MIGHT happen".
    I really should`nt comment but it`s concerning me that you`ve got enough on your plate with the task of getting better extra worry and stress only makes the ice below your feet thinner.
    This is only my opinion but the very worst thing that could happen would be for you to go backwards with regards to your recovery much much worse than any marriage split, and i know it`s dead easy for me to sit here and say this and say that, but lets be honest death is never far away so why walk towards him that may sound abit mellodramatic but it`s the reality of the condition we are all battling.
    Why not wait and see what does happen cause in actual fact your husband will probably stand by your side, i don`t know.
    Heard another great wee saying last night, "WHEN WE ASK GOD TO GIVE US COURAGE, DO YOU THINK HE JUST GIVE`S US COURAGE, MAYBE HE GIVE`S US THE OPPERTUNITY TO BE COURAGOUS"
    Your new lunatic friend fae Scotland will always be here should you need to talk not quit sure what good i`d be but it`s always good to know someone is more than willing to read your message`s.
    Why not try talking to your husband and find out where his heads at he`s maybe worrying about the exact same thing as you that would be ironic, ye`ve maybe already done this.
    Anyway am off college starts a week today monday the 30th aug dead nervous gonna be stuck in a classroom with a heap of school leavers me being the old guy at 34 yesterday.
    Take care. one more thing thats some cracking advise you gave to Kew and your right how can we be weak? Many people in todays society would label us weak,worthless, and a scurge on society, all things i`ve been called amonst others throughout my life, this implies that these people consider their society as too good for the likes of us.
    Well i`ve got a news flash for them the problem we are all dealing with was and still is in my opinion created by the society that has a habit of turning it`s back on people in need whether it`s in addiction or whatever.
    Am really gonna stop now went away off on one there and got abit carried away, it concerns me all this stuff, the size of the problem, the affect on future generations.Thats me was away to start again.
    You take care iLOVEBIKES

    Last edited by mod-anon; 08-23-2010 at 05:03 AM. Reason: removed quote

     
    Old 08-24-2010, 12:54 AM   #71
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Iain
    As usual your sayings are great and so very true. You make me laugh
    My husband and I have been married for 28 years and I believe that is worth fighting for but you are so right when it comes to my recovery. That has to come first for now and if at the end of this fight we are still together then so be it, or I am literally going to walk towards death. This time round I managed to stay away from IV use but I know beyond a doubt that if I relapse again I will not be so strong. Its kind of crazy how much time you use thinking about doing something that you know will eventually kill you? I guess that is addiction. The last three years have been difficult. I have spent so much time trying to assist others in my family deal with the death of our brother and father that I forgot about myself hence the reason I am now on opiate substitution.
    As far being able to help you already are, you and Kew have been literally lifesavers. Before I stumbled upon this web site I was seriously contemplating suicide. I just could not face the battle against addiction again and everything seemed so dam hopeless. Then I started reading others stories and realised that I was on a major self pity trip and definitely not alone. Even though we don't really know each other its weird I feel close to you guys. I believe it was meant to be that I found this web site when I did and like you said just knowing that someone is taking the time to read and respond to your messages helps lessen the isolation you can feel when battling this demon. We may be many many miles apart but we are close in spirit. Even the smallest of efforts can have a major impact on the future for someone. I too wonder what the future will bring for the next generation with so much anger and unforgiveness out there. But I also know there is allot of good people around willing to share a piece of themselves to help someone else and that has got to be worth something in the whole scheme of things. Enjoy college that's awesome I'll be thinking of you all the way from Aussie land take care stay strong and keep smiling "Happy Birthday"
    ILB

     
    Old 08-24-2010, 05:19 AM   #72
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    Wink Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Heh there always good tae hear fae ye, I don`t really have much to say today except please stay strong and talk to someone face to face if you ever contemplate suicide ever again or if you feel more comfortable you can always talk to me.
    Suicide as am sure you now realise is the easy option, in the past iused to wake up in the morning the first thing i used to think about was how am i going to get some peace of mind from my mental pain at the start drugs were the easy option it then progressed onto death being a much more final solution because it had become such a hassle to score drugs on a daily basis, and was getting tiresome.
    Many many times i found myself praying to God to let me die, The big man had other idea`s for me and did`nt grant me those prayers which at the time i resented him for but am now grateful.
    Anyway i`ve rabbled on a fair bit, start writing and end up going off on one.
    Stay Strong,Stay Positive, and Be Cool.

    Last edited by mod-anon; 08-24-2010 at 06:58 AM. Reason: removed quote

     
    Old 08-24-2010, 02:32 PM   #73
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Yo my pals, ILB & Iain,
    You both are so awesome, like best friends, really. How on earth could the three of us, probably so different in so many ways, be so alike in so many ways and not even know eachother? Well, I believe we do know eachother, intimately. We probably know so much about eachother because deep down we're so much alike with our addictions, emotions, coping skills, senses of humor....I just want to call you both up and go to lunch together! I'm sure we'd have a blast! When I went to in-patient rehab 5 yrs. ago, I found the same thing. The people I was least likely to ever have been friends with in 'real' life, were the people I just loved and felt like I really knew and they knew me. They were and some still are awesome friends of mine. Most of us have relapsed and a few have died. I don't want to go that route.
    Thanks to you both for the best advice and the most encouraging statements I could hope to hear. I've really been struggling with either a recurrence of a major depression or simply post acute withdrawal symptoms which for me, manifest mostly in depression & anxiety. I've felt kind of depersonalized or that, what they describe as "derealization", like I'm not really here in reality and I can't seem to connect thoughts or focus on conversations well. I really feel like my brain is in more of a fried state than it was when I was taking drugs....well, I suppose the healing has to start somewhere.
    I saw an intense movie last weekend called, "CANDY", it was with Heath Ledger, an Australian film and about two lovers who were heroin addicts. It was a bit of a trigger but a really great flick and I've not been able to stop thinking about it. It was kind of a good reality check as they sure did not live the happy, glam life...it was pretty sad but perhaps you both have seen it? Let me know. I think lots about you both and wish for the best for you and hope you are doing well. Take care my friends!

    kew

     
    Old 08-24-2010, 02:37 PM   #74
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    I heard this quote today by Thomas Edison, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work."

    It is hard work, isn't it? I guess I just have to buck up and accept that fact and be ready to do some hard work. It never killed anyone did it?

     
    Old 08-25-2010, 03:35 AM   #75
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kewood View Post
    Yo my pals, ILB & Iain,
    You both are so awesome, like best friends, really. How on earth could the three of us, probably so different in so many ways, be so alike in so many ways and not even know eachother? Well, I believe we do know eachother, intimately. We probably know so much about eachother because deep down we're so much alike with our addictions, emotions, coping skills, senses of humor....I just want to call you both up and go to lunch together! I'm sure we'd have a blast! When I went to in-patient rehab 5 yrs. ago, I found the same thing. The people I was least likely to ever have been friends with in 'real' life, were the people I just loved and felt like I really knew and they knew me. They were and some still are awesome friends of mine. Most of us have relapsed and a few have died. I don't want to go that route.
    Thanks to you both for the best advice and the most encouraging statements I could hope to hear. I've really been struggling with either a recurrence of a major depression or simply post acute withdrawal symptoms which for me, manifest mostly in depression & anxiety. I've felt kind of depersonalized or that, what they describe as "derealization", like I'm not really here in reality and I can't seem to connect thoughts or focus on conversations well. I really feel like my brain is in more of a fried state than it was when I was taking drugs....well, I suppose the healing has to start somewhere.
    I saw an intense movie last weekend called, "CANDY", it was with Heath Ledger, an Australian film and about two lovers who were heroin addicts. It was a bit of a trigger but a really great flick and I've not been able to stop thinking about it. It was kind of a good reality check as they sure did not live the happy, glam life...it was pretty sad but perhaps you both have seen it? Let me know. I think lots about you both and wish for the best for you and hope you are doing well. Take care my friends!

    kew
    Heh there check out shutter island with Leo DeCaprio a brilliant film twists this way then that way and just when you think you`ve sussed it all out along comes the ending to mess with your head one of those films you HAVE to watch a few times, well i need to anyway,watch that Heath Ledger in Batman The Dark Knight, now that was some good acting.
    Anyway enough of the film review, hope you are well sister, don`t be stressing about yer brain your emotionally defrosting from an emotional iceage this is bound to take time, i know it is for me anyway, lately i`ve been getting emotional over relatively silly things, let me correct myself not relatively silly thing, they are silly things, don`t know if you`s know the X factor program with that Simon Cowel sometimes find myself getting all teary eye`d when you see someone who gets told they are really good at singing starts crying this recently has been enough to set me off with no one else around just sitting in my flat myself, crazy things like that, and then you`ve got the situation`s when not only do i feel it calls to be a wee bit emotional but believe it would help me cope with things and what happens in these situations? not a "bleeping" thing.
    Can`t remember if i told you but my girlfriend split up with me well over 2 months ago about the time i finished my detox, and i`ve still not got over it and i`ve told myself that although she hurt me behond words if i could i would go back with her in a nano-second, this thought process confusses me quit alot, am quit a logical sort`ve guy if something does`nt make sense and i can`t work it out i tend to pay no attention to it, yet i`m giving this thought more time than it probably deserves, can`t help it, don`t take rejection very well, my close friends keep telling me am a good guy, but then why do bad and hurtful things keep happening to me cause this has been a constant thing throughout my life whether with friends or girlfriends, i mean am not trying to say i`m some sort`ve angel cause am nae but i would NEVER purposely hurt anyone and yet some people don`t seem to mind who they walk all over or how they affect someone to get what they want, i guess i should stop trying to understand people who clearly can`t be understood.
    It still hurts even after all this time, when your trust is broken like mine has throughout my life it tends to knock my confidense and it has.
    These thoughts make it so much easier for me to feel sad, i don`t think i get depressed cause i try not to let it control my life but it does sadden me.
    It can be a cruel world sometimes.
    But anyway enough about me, god sometimes i just can`t help myself i start writing and almost forget to stop.
    See when you feel yorself starting to get depressed Kewood, can you identify anything in particular that brings it on, if so separate the issue thats bothering you and either meditate on it while doing this try to focus on the solution to the problem rather than the problem itself, i find that this does help me, a nice cosy bath some candle`s and soothing music in the background close your eyes once your in the bath obvisioly otherwise you may hurt yourself breath in and count to 7 in your head then breath out and count to 11 repeat this and imagine yourself tackling the problem or the depression and visualise yourself in your head overcoming it, repeat this on more than one occasion. If a soak in the tub is unavailable then do it while sitting in a room alone or lying in your bed it does`nt really matter where, it may not work all the time but even if it only works some of the time it`s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
    Anyway i will have to depart am in the library and i can only get on the computers for a couple of hours a day.
    Start college on the 30 of this month this monday bit nervous gonna be one of only a few of oldER genersion, and the crazy thing is i only turned 34yrs young on sunday but am gonna be stuck in a class with a whole heap of fresh faced kids just out of secondary school, doin a years course on social care in the comunity, i guess i should be grateful i can do that it was`nt so long ago i was back in the thick of it regarding my problem, and i am grateful.
    Even though we are all so many miles apart remember this GOOD FRIENDS AREN`T JUST FOR LIFE GOOD FRIENDS ARE FOREVER.Take Care. Iain.

     
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