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    Old 08-19-2010, 12:32 PM   #1
    Jul1980
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    Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    Been with boyfriend for three years but can't stop thinking about my ex.?
    My current boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We are in our late 20;s, and we live together, and have had our ups and downs. For the most part we get along pretty good. The main problems we have had has been his lack of effort in the relationship as far as ever going anywhere with me, but we have talked about this, and i do admit he is trying harder. The other issue is a money issue. He always tends to make not spending money a bigger priority then anything else. I'm not money stupid, neither of us have debt other than our vehicles loans, so it's not like I am trying to bankrupt the guy. I would just like to see a movie or go to lunch once a month. The only time we do these is if I pay, and he makes alot more money then I do. He doesn't really do much of his share of the housework (or any), but that is something I can deal with if I have to.

    We get along good in all other areas. We never argue or bicker. We have fun together, and he makes me laugh all the time. We are attracted to each other, and I do trust him. The first two years were the best two years I've spent with someone. But there is never any talk of further commitment. I'm going to be 29 soon, and am thinking about kids and marriage. I know eventually he wants these too, but it's not something he talks about happening in the near future. (Near I mean the next 2 years or so). He isn't really someone easy to talk about things with.

    The ex I used to date for 2 years (not living together), when I was 23-25 years old, was a great guy. We got along really well. He was and still is really close to my family. My dad still interally pines that I will get back with him someday. He let it slip once to me. Not because he doesn't like my current bf, but he just really likes this guy. I ended up being the one that broke up with him because he was ready to settle down, have a wife and kids, and at the age of 25 I was not ready for that at all. He dated one girl since then for a brief period, but it didn't work out. We've always seen each other because we have the same small group of friends. It took probably a year or more for us to be able to be around our friends at the same time without it being completely awkward, but it has gotten better. So we've remained friends, once that awkward part was over. About 8 months after he and I broke up, I started dating the guy I am with now. The main attraction to my current bf was we were on the same level. We were in no rush to settle down, and it took us 1.5 years to move in together, and that's what i needed at the time.

    My current bf has always known about my ex and that we aren't enemies, and they get along ok.

    So my ex knew when my current boyfriend and I were having problems (that I described in the beginning of this post). He has made it perfectly clear to me that he still loves me, and still wants to marry me, and will never stop feeling this way. It got me thinking, and I have developed feelings for him again. Well I should say they have re-surfaced as I've always had them, but I just put them aside. He is just such a kind person, and deep down inside I've always known he felt this way. With him i know that he will always take care of me (I don't mean that in 50's housewife way, as I always want to have my career), but in all areas, which is a huge question mark with my current boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about him lately. We've started talking a little more then we did, and communication is just so easy with him. We've talked about everything you can imagine.

    All we have done is talk, there hasn't been anymore. I love my current bf and don't want to hurt him. The thought of hurting him breaks my heart, as I know he is happy, and he is a really good guy. It's a horrible feeling to think of the day one of us moves out. But at the same time, I still love my ex and everything seems to flow so perfectly with him and it's just getting stronger the more we talk. I just don't know what to do!

     
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    Old 08-19-2010, 12:52 PM   #2
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    you need to figure out who it is you wanna be with. its not good getting closer to ur ex when ur already with someone. how would u feel? if he felt something for the ex and couldnt stop thinking about her. im just been straight with you. you can't live life like this coz it will only get harder and harder. way up the pro's and con's and make a decision. someones gonna get hurt though but its better to let one go and move on to find someone whos only into them rather than been with them and you feeling like u want someone else and hurting them that way. b4 ur ex came along though, b4 he showed interest, was you doubting your relationship with ya current boyfriend?

     
    Old 08-19-2010, 01:20 PM   #3
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    That is a tough position, but it's good that you're thinking this out before you decide to marry, have kids etc. These kinds of feelings would be much more harmful if already tied the knot, had kids..etc. So this is the time to decide, and not lead anyone on longer than necessary.

    It sounds like your current bf and you have some big differeces in lifestyle, and those might hinder a good solid relationship. Housework, money, and when to marry..all things that you are differing in opinions. Not stuff you can just shrug off easily.

    The ex sounds like where your heart is. Just be sure that you are not romantisizing and over inflating his qualities due to the fact that you are not very happy in your current relationship. Sometimes the grass looks greener...

     
    Old 08-19-2010, 01:42 PM   #4
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    I don't really hear your heart in any of this. It almost sounds like you're tallying things up on an accounting sheet rather than feeling things through. So you didn't want to get married, and your ex did, and that's the ONLY reason you left him? And now you're ready to get married and your current guy won't talk about any further commitment? BUT...that does NOT sound like the only reason you're having second thoughts about current guy. He won't spend any money at all, doesn't really want to LIVE, and even though you didn't say it, I'm willing to bet he wants household expenses split as much 50/50 as possible, even though he makes WAY more money than you do. AND he doesn't do any of the housework. You sound very detached and analytical when talking about these things, but the bottom line is, you are being treated unfairly, and even if you aren't fully in touch with how that really feels, believe me, after a few years of married life with you being treated unfairly, never going out, always having to pay on those rare occasions that you do, seeing other women get flowers and get taken out for nice dinners and knowing that will never be you, always having to do ALL the housework, if you're honest with yourself, that will get REALLY old.

    Sounds like you left a really great guy who was much more compatible with you, who was a much better friend to you than your current guy, simply because you wanted to see what else was out there. Well, a guy who you laugh with and have good sex with (I'm assuming that's what you meant by "we're attracted to each other") but who isn't much of a friend, companion or good partner to you was what was out there. Now you know. So now what? Your ex, I know you never lived with him, but can you get a sense of what living with him might be like? Did he do his own laundry? was his place pretty clean when you came over or always a mess unless you came over and helped him clean up? Could he cook? Would he treat you to dinner or take you to a movie every now and again? What kind of partner do you feel this ex would be in comparison to this current guy? And once you're done tallying it all up on your accounting sheet, how does your ex make you FEEL as opposed to how the current guy does? I'm guessing deep down inside you feel some resentment at being treated unfairly, which is only natural, even though you seem to be repressing it. Think it through a little, and feel it through, too. There are many people in the world that we could be "happy" with, but I think there are way fewer people in the world that we could be blissful and truly at peace with. Maybe the ex is. Maybe neither is. Only you can decide. But think through what is best for YOU, and please, DO NOT worry about hurting your current guy. I can promise you if he found someone he liked better than you, he wouldn't hesitate to go for it, no man would. So why should you? This is your LIFE we're talking about. You only get one, and only you can make it happy. Don't sell it short by sacrificing what you really want just to keep from temporarily hurting someone else, especially when that someone else treats you unfairly. You'll end up kicking yourself for it.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-19-2010 at 01:49 PM.

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 06:02 AM   #5
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    Thanks everyone for the replies so far. It feels good to get this off my chest and get some feedback. All of my friends that I can talk to are also my ex's friends, so I've been trying to keep this to myself as much as I can for now. Plus they all really like my current bf as well. The less drama the better.

    I guess you are right. I do feel treated unfairly. And you are right on the button Larrylou'smom, we split every bill 50/50. Well actually probably I pay a little more, because I pay for the groceries and he pays the rent. We have a great deal renting through a family friend, so our grocery bill is actually about $100 more a month then our rent. Things have been a little tense between us since last winter, probably March 2010. But we've been living together since April 2009. I guess maybe it took that long for me to get frustrataed. I'm not sure.

    He is a hard person to talk to, because constructive talking usually turns into fighting with him. That's one of our biggest issues. We never ever fight about anything, unless it has to do with me wanting to discuss something in our relationship. I think he feels like I am attacking him or something. But I did tell him a few weeks ago that I was unhappy about how he never puts in any effort, and like I mentioned, he is trying harder, and I'm thankful for that. I don't ever want to be a high maintenance person, and i never want him for his money, but I would like a bit of effort. The thing I asked for was being able to go to something for "us" one night a month. Dinner, movie, lunch, walk together, or even just renting a movie. All of those would make me happy. I don't need to be spoiled, just appreciated. All of this used to be natural for him for the first few years, but it seems to have just faded off. I still try and do little things for him, as I don't expect to receive without giving. Just things like make him his favorite muffins, or favorite meal, or grab him his favorite beer if I go to get a bottle of wine. Just small things that would make him feel like I am thinking of him.

    He has many good qualities too. He is an affectionate person, physically. He loves to cuddle, loves to hold hands, kisses me all the time. That makes me feel good, and I know he really loves me. I don't question that at all. I know he is happy. He is very trusting, and I trust him completely. No jealousy, no drama. I love that about him. He doesn't do drugs, or have any more then a few social drinks on weekends. Something that is important to me. He has a great family. I get along well with them. He gets along well with my group of friends. Everyone seems to like him. We do both work alot, so he usually leave in the morning about 6:30am while I am just getting up to get ready for work, and he gets home about 6pm. So I can see how during the week not much is done together.

    What I ment about us being attracted to each other, besides the sex, is that I can still 3 years later look at him, and he takes my breath away. In my eyes, he is gorgous.

    Now for the ex. I broke up with him when I was 25, he was 28, after being with him for 2 years. He lived right down the road from me (we live in a small community), so I could see him everyday. We didn't live together, but I spent alot of time at his place. Yes, he is very clean and self sufficiant. We did get along well, as we have alot in common, same friends, and he is a very kind and effectionate person. He also was one of those people who would buy flowers for me all the time, we went out all the time etc. That was always nice. THe main problem was I had always been in a long term relationship since I was 18. The guy I dated before him I was with for years, and he cheated on me. So we broke up and after couple months I had started dating this guy. So when I was 25, and he was ready for marriage and wanted kids, I felt like I had hardly lived. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to see what else was out there, but I hadn't had the "party" stage, of just going out with friends, and being completely care free. I honestly wasnt ready for marriage or babies at that time, and it was to the point that I knew he was probably ready to pop the question at any moment. Rather than have to say "no" to the engagement, I decided to end it before it got to the point where he had spent alot on a ring, and gotten the courage up to propose. So that's what happened. Obviously things weren't smooth between us for awhile, as he was hurt, so we didn't really speak that much for about a year, and then since we had no choice, since we had the same friends, we adjusted and were able to be around each other.

    I had moved to the next town over during this time, and that is when I started dating my current bf. It started out very causal, as at the time I had been hanging out with other friends of mine (who have since all moved away), that were his friends also. So the causal dating and mutual friends seemed like the level of relationship that I needed at that time. Things progressed and we eventually became more serious, and it didn't feel rushed to me at all. That is how, now 3 years later, we are together and living together.

    I've always had feeling for my ex. I've always thought he was a great guy, and part of me always loved him. But it was kind of easy to put aside when this person I connected with better at the time was in my life, and at the same time my ex was dating the only other girl he dated breifly since we broke up. We were all able to be around each other wihtout any drama, and things seemed to be going good. I always knew my ex still loved me. I could tell by the way I'd catch him looking at me, things he could say to other people, etc. So it wasn't a surprise at all when he told me.

    We've always talked a bit, but we have started talking more lately. We talk about everything from favorite vacation destinations to the price of gas, so it's not that we are always talking about his undying love. We just talk to talk because we connect so well.

    But when we did have that conversation, he told me that when he met me 6 years ago, he knew I was "the one", and nothing has ever made him think any differently. Even though we havn't been together for over 3.5 years, his feelings havent changed, and he still wants to marry me someday. He said that is why when he tried to move on with the other girl it didn't last long as he couldn't get me out of his head. If I hadn't of started dating the guy I am with now, we probably would have ended up back together once I got to the point of feeling like I am ready to settle down. I know for certain this would have happened.

    I have never promised him anything, or ever talk about my current bf to him, or ever mentioned leaving him. I don't ever want to say anything like that unless I am sure what i want. Right now he is saying he is just so happy that we can talk again, without it being so weird and awkward like it was for so long.

    Life with my ex would probably be alot easier, in terms of financially, and affectionately. But again, I never want to base anything on money. I have an okay job, and I don't ever want to leave it (well except for retirement), so that is never been much of a factor when looking for a partner. The only thing is i know my ex would probably be alot more fair then my current bf is in ALL aspects. I do know we get along, I do know he isn't afraid of commitment (obviously), and there is most defiantly chemistry and attraction. He is a very thoughtful person, and like I said before, I already know how well we get along.

    In all honestly, the biggest problems my current bf and I have (even before the ex said what he said) is that he is soo tight with his money that is actually causees stress on the relationship, and that he isn't ready to commit. Renting a $5.00 movie shouldn't be a splurge like it is in his world. He isn't broke, and he isn't saving up for anything at the moment. I'd be surprised in five years if he was ready to commit then. (marriage). Marriage isn't a huge priority to me, except for the fact that I am going to be 29 in 2 months, and I would really like to have kids within the next 2-3 years. I know you don't have to be married to have children, but I guess it's just something I would prefer. My current boyfriend has told me he does want to have kids and get married someday, but to me it seems that it's one of those way off in the distance goals. I truthfully could see him wanting to have children before he wanted to get married. I guess that isn't wrong, so maybe I shouldn't stress over that?

    So he does have his bad qualities, but in all truthfulness, I do love him. He makes me smile daily, and we have fun together even when we are just sitting home on the coach. I still swoon when I look at him, even 3 years later. The thought of leaving him just makes me feel sick. I love him to pieces, but just wish it was a little easier with him.

    Anyways, I hope this gives a more indepth look into the situation, and makes me look less like a robot.

    Thank you everyone for offering your advice. It is very helpful to be able to get other's feedback on this issue that has been making my mind swirl for awhile now.

    Last edited by Jul1980; 08-20-2010 at 06:52 AM.

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 06:53 AM   #6
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    So, if kids are a goal for you, let's leave the ex out of it for a minute, here. This current guy you are with, can you imagine him being the father of your kids? What about when the kids want to go to a movie, or want to go skating, or want to have a birthday party or a sleep over. Try to imagine what raising a kid would be like with a man who never helps at all around the house and who hates to spend any kind of money at all.

    I still didn't really see an answer to my one question - which of these guys do you feel is the better FRIEND? You said you connected with the current guy better than you did with the ex AT FIRST, but now, not so much. Is it something you think the two of you can recapture? Does he even want to? Or is it all your problem as far as he's concerned? The bottom line is, can you imagine living the rest of your life and raising a child in the situation you are now living?

    I know it's hard. I myself am actually pretty terrible when it comes to such big life decisions. I just made a whopper of mistake myself (went to the wrong dentist and he messed me over good). I made this very regrettable mistake because I didn't go with my gut. I went with my head and ignored all the subtle, intangible information my gut was screaming at me. What is your gut screaming at you? It's got to be telling you something. Can you block out the noise and try to focus on what your gut is telling you?

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 07:35 AM   #7
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    So, if kids are a goal for you, let's leave the ex out of it for a minute, here. This current guy you are with, can you imagine him being the father of your kids? What about when the kids want to go to a movie, or want to go skating, or want to have a birthday party or a sleep over. Try to imagine what raising a kid would be like with a man who never helps at all around the house and who hates to spend any kind of money at all.

    I still didn't really see an answer to my one question - which of these guys do you feel is the better FRIEND? You said you connected with the current guy better than you did with the ex AT FIRST, but now, not so much. Is it something you think the two of you can recapture? Does he even want to? Or is it all your problem as far as he's concerned? The bottom line is, can you imagine living the rest of your life and raising a child in the situation you are now living?

    I know it's hard. I myself am actually pretty terrible when it comes to such big life decisions. I just made a whopper of mistake myself (went to the wrong dentist and he messed me over good). I made this very regrettable mistake because I didn't go with my gut. I went with my head and ignored all the subtle, intangible information my gut was screaming at me. What is your gut screaming at you? It's got to be telling you something. Can you block out the noise and try to focus on what your gut is telling you?
    Hmm...that's a tough one. The better FRIEND right now is defiantly the ex. I say this because even when the dating had ended, we still connected as friends only. I know he'd probably give me the shirt off of his back if he had to. He'd do anything for me, without ever asking for anything in return, even if we were both married to other people 10 years down the road. We have a much deeper connection, since he is close to my family (as in he'll go visit them once a week or so, now, even though I am not in the picture), and we have the same friends. He likes to go out and do things just as much as I do. He'll always be in the picture because of our friends, weather I like it or not, the same as me to him. We talk alot easier about important issues then I do with my boyfriend.

    I think romantically, obviously right now my boyfriend and I connect better, just because I love him. But maybe I am blinded by my rose colored glasses. If we were to break up, I'm sure there wouldn't be a long lasting friendship like there is with my ex.

    I guess I never thought of who is the better friends as being a quality to look for. I've been focusing on the romantic aspect and the fact that I really do love my boyfriend. I love him alot. He took my breath away in the beginning and I never had a doubt in the world that he is who I wanted to be with. And I could see him as the father of my children, but I guess not in the situation we are in now, but more in how it was 6 months ago. He is trying to be more appreciative, he really is. I see your point about the money with children involved. That wouldn't be a desired situation to have to pay for everything a child may want.

    I'm not sure if he sees it as all my problems. It's possible I guess, that he thinks I am overreacting and is just temporarily trying to put in more effort to keep the peace. Not sure. I guess that is something I should be trying to look for an answer to. If these issues were resolved, mainly the money/going out issue, I could see things with him working out. As much as I hope that things get better, part of me is thinking that it's temporary, and is a little nervous of if it got this bad 3 years in, how will it be 10 years in? That's the biggest thing my gut is telling me.

    I'm not sure he realizes how much this effects our relationship. I don't know how else to tell him, besides telling him I'm not happy with it.

    Last edited by Jul1980; 08-20-2010 at 07:53 AM.

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 08:36 AM   #8
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    It sounds like you have loving feelings for both of them but aren't truly IN LOVE with either one of them.

    When the person we are with isn't meeting our expectations and there is a guy in the "wings" that we think will .... and we have feelings for them you end up exactly where you are now.

    Of course you don't want to hurt the guy you're with but at the same time you can't even talk to this guy about your future, right?

    Unless you want this to continue, you need to woman-up and talk to your present guy and ask him what he really wants with you and when he wants it. If he starts with the whiny I don't know or I can't talk about it or any of that "blowoff" stuff then you're going to have to be more firm.

    You just may find yourself in a situation that lingers on for years.

    Last edited by cathy1; 08-20-2010 at 08:37 AM.

     
    Old 08-24-2010, 08:50 AM   #9
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    Thanks for the advise so far everyone.

    I really still don't know what to do. The ex aside, I was starting to doubt our relationship beginning last winter. It seems like that's when everything changed. I don't know why. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he really didn't see what I ment, although he agreed to try harder at putting forth an effort. The problem being he was always so thoughtful, and the thoughtfulness has just disappeared.

    The first thought of leaving him was in April, after he made a rude comment to me when he took me to lunch, and got the bill for $30.00. He swears he was just kidding, but at the time it hurt. So, since then it's been kind of on my mind. But I've never been sure if I wanted to.

    Ughh...I've been debating this for awhile. I just don't know.

     
    Old 10-01-2010, 09:26 AM   #10
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    Oh boy, this hits close to home. All I can say is stop trying to just ignore the feelings for the ex if he is the one you is ready for the same things you are. The current bf being a very nice guy and loves you and you love him, I understand how hard it is to let go, but if he doesn't see marriage and kids anytime soon after you have already had 3 years together, maybe you should think alittle more about what you NEED.
    From personal experience, I have to watch my first love, the man who still has a good chunk of my heart, get married in a week. I broke up with him after 2 years together, at one year I was ready for a ring and year two after some issues I decided I want to see what else was out there and he was ready to give me the ring! We broke up, I ignored alot of the "questions and what if's" for 3 years and finally woke up and realized I still loved him. And looking back it was so obvious. I worried more about his feelings than my current bf at the time by ignoring the current bf to make sure the first love didn't feel uncomfortable while we were all in the same room. I was always worried about and asking him if he was avoiding me, I found excuses to go to places he would be cuz I wanted to see him. But I didn't SEE it then, only 3 years after. And he was engaged, so I had to be happy for him. Then him and the fiance broke up and we had a rekindlement and things looked like we could have another chance. Then he pined over the recent ex and hurt me alot by eventually getting back with her. In the mean time I just ignored him, was mad at him, and avoided confronting him personally. So when they broke up for the final time and I was also single....I didn't know about it. Things could have changed then if I wasnt so stubborn and soon after that he started seeing is now fiance' soon to be wife. And I just can't seem to find a man quite like him. And it's hard to forgive myself for ignoring those feelings. It could have been me at the alter with him had I of just listened to myself sooner.
    If you still love the ex, even if you love the current bf, the current isn't ready for "real life" with you yet. I'm 28....I just broke up with someone who loved me very much but also took advantage of me and argued with me alot.....and I'm alone and I feel hopeless to ever being able to fall in love again (hope I'm wrong). Look down deep.....question all your feelings.....don't ignore even the little things you think or feel.....and maybe even just be alone for alittle while before actually making a decision. Ask yourself who would make you happier and who do you feel would always love you no matter what. Time is to short and precious.
    Good luck....sorry I rambled but I almost feel like I"m talking to myself because your situation is hauntingly similar.

    Last edited by Mo-S4; 10-01-2010 at 07:11 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.

     
    Old 10-02-2010, 01:59 AM   #11
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    Man, after reading this, the responses and from my own experience, i realise women can be very hard. No disrespect, but women seem more capable of ignoring their heart than men, kinda ironic. Some just have this dilema about their head or their heart, for god sake, go with your heart! Tell your head to shut up and do what makes you happy. obviously your heart leans more toward the ex, but your head tells you dont hurt the current bf.

    It is often the case when two lovers split, the woman will move on, seemingly able to ignore her feelings for the ex and love someone else, while the guy can't bear the thought of being with anyone else. This isn't always the case but this story seems very familiar to me.

    It sounds like you still are leaning towards ignoring your heart and while it is pleading for your ex, you are still able to ignore it and go with the current. Why because it is easier? You dont get what you really want unless you are bold and take a risk and if you follow your heart which you should, you will have some difficult issues to deal with. I always stick to my heart and gut feelings.

    You have admitted the ex is a better friend, easy question, because it is only statistical. But someone proposed the question "what does your gut (heart) tell you?" You chose not to answer, and to me that tells me you are not accnologing your heart feeling.

     
    Old 10-02-2010, 05:57 AM   #12
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    Re: Been with bf three years, but can't stop thinking about ex?

    i think you should go spend a few days on your own to figure stuff out. it will be more diffacult when you are in the company of your current boyfriend. can you go stay with a friend for a few days? not only to figure it out what your going to do but also having a laugh with friends will make you feel good. you can't go on like this. who should i be who should i not be with. its just going to eat away at you so i suggest been alone for a few days.

     
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