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  • Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

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    Old 08-22-2010, 07:11 PM   #1
    calculating1
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    Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    Hi, I have been in a long dist relationship for the past year. We have met and have concrete plans to meet again. We both worried about whether or not reality would match with our expectations. It did, and then some. We are both simply crazy about one another. I am wondering how normal it is for a girl to be best friends with her ex boyfriend? I have every reason to trust her when she tells me that nothing could or will happen, although she has told me that he still fancies her. I can not help but be somewhat jealous of all of the time that he gets to spend with her. Pretty much every waking moment that isnt spent with me online is spent with him. He even comes over to visit her mother, and goes out to eat with them every time the y go out. This is the first time i have encountered this in my personal life. I just needed some outside opinions.\
    Thanks

    Last edited by calculating1; 08-22-2010 at 07:12 PM.

     
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    Old 08-22-2010, 08:06 PM   #2
    BR0K3N
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    first off i have to say youre a stronger man than me. i would never be able to handle this situation. i understand you cant control someone or who they talk to but its hard to accept that theres nothing behind this scenerio. i think that you for certain should bring this to her attention and that your problems are real and it hurts you. if she really cares about you and your relationship then she will concider your emotions and reconcider her actions. if she is nonresponsive or unwilling to listen to your feelings then its a sure sign that shes trying to have her cake and eat it too. this is a touchy situation to say the least. i can say that i would be unwilling to continue in your situation. good luck w/ this and i do hope she sees how this can effect you both in the long run.

     
    Old 08-22-2010, 08:21 PM   #3
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BR0K3N View Post
    first off i have to say youre a stronger man than me. i would never be able to handle this situation. i understand you cant control someone or who they talk to but its hard to accept that theres nothing behind this scenerio. i think that you for certain should bring this to her attention and that your problems are real and it hurts you. if she really cares about you and your relationship then she will concider your emotions and reconcider her actions. if she is nonresponsive or unwilling to listen to your feelings then its a sure sign that shes trying to have her cake and eat it too. this is a touchy situation to say the least. i can say that i would be unwilling to continue in your situation. good luck w/ this and i do hope she sees how this can effect you both in the long run.
    Thanks man, I tell you, sometimes i really get angry at myself for being upset about it. I really appreciate your insight, and at least I know i am not crazy for feeling this way.
    Any ladies out there with an opinion either way pls dont hesitate to lmk.

    Last edited by calculating1; 08-22-2010 at 08:22 PM.

     
    Old 08-22-2010, 08:56 PM   #4
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    No "Calculating", it's NOT "normal", not in my opinion. It sounds like that they haven't really broken up or at the very least, they could easily get back together. I would continue to be friends with her if you so desire, but as long as there is a former suitor on location who is still rubbing elbows with mom and is being allowed to spend every waking moment with her, I would just move on. Ask yourself if you would tolerate this behavior if you were the new boyfriend AND lived in the same town? I don't think so. Don't let her get away with spending all of that time with the former boyfriend just because you don't live nearby.

    Good luck!

     
    Old 08-22-2010, 09:26 PM   #5
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    If he was just a friend all along and not a former bf then I'd say its no big deal. But since it's her former bf and you said he still has feelings for her then its a problem. How do you know he still has feelings for her? Did she tell you that? Are you just guessing? Doesn't matter, point is, if she respects you and the new relationship she has with you, she should not be spending so much time with him. If they want to stay friends, they can see each other once in a while in a group, not just the 2 of them. Otherwise, it's inappropriate on both of them to continue carrying on like this.

    I don't talk to any of my ex's with the exception of 1. We were engaged and lived together and had a messy breakup back in 1996. Eventually he sought me out years later to apologize and we started talking and now we are friends again. He is happily married and I'm single but I have no interest in him at all. Whenever I have hung out with him, he still has a lot of the same tendencies that annoyed me back in the day. So after we hang out, I realize how glad I am that we're not together anymore although I do consider him a dear friend. And his wife is really cool, too. I'm glad he found someone like her and that he is happy. And he wishes I could find someone that makes me as happy as she makes him.

     
    Old 08-22-2010, 09:34 PM   #6
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    Yeah, they were best friends who just ended up dating. And now she says that it is just a platonic friendship. She remarks on all of his annoying tendencies after they are done hanging out. I really dont mind her hanging out with him at all when it is in a group setting, but the going out to eat with the family 2-3 times per week gets old. I think the one thing that bothers me most is that they go to the movies, just the two of them. She says that it is nothing, just two friends going to the movies. Also she doesnt have a car, so she relies heavily on him to get her places. Even to the health dept to get her birth control. I dont sense any malice on his part, but I know she doesnt let him know every time that she and i are together bc she says she doesnt want to "rub his face in it" or "make him feel bad"
    Guys i just dont know...
    I really love this girl.
    Oh, and yeah, she told me that he still has hopes of them getting together.
    BTW i am 28yo and she is 24yo. Maybe that is the problem?

    Last edited by calculating1; 08-22-2010 at 09:36 PM.

     
    Old 08-22-2010, 09:53 PM   #7
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    your age difference is not that big. if shes not willing to inform him of your relations then it sounds like youre being strung along im sorry to say that but with his closness to the situation and the family involvment he is more than just a friend.

    " but I know she doesnt let him know every time that she and i are together bc she says she doesnt want to "rub his face in it" or "make him feel bad"

    this is an absolute sign that there is no true love for you in this relationship. im sorry to say it but for your own well being i would cut things off w/ this girl. dont be used by anyone you deserve better. us faithful men are a rare breed dont waste your potential on her. theres a saying i like that fits this situation well - dont fall for someone who isnt willing to catch you.

    Last edited by BR0K3N; 08-23-2010 at 09:36 AM.

     
    Old 08-23-2010, 09:03 AM   #8
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by calculating1 View Post
    I dont sense any malice on his part, but I know she doesnt let him know every time that she and i are together bc she says she doesnt want to "rub his face in it" or "make him feel bad"

    If the guy can't handle seeing/knowing you two are together, then he is to close to be "just friends" with her.

     
    Old 08-23-2010, 10:18 AM   #9
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
    If the guy can't handle seeing/knowing you two are together, then he is to close to be "just friends" with her.

    I like this answer. I have felt this way since the beginning.

     
    Old 08-23-2010, 10:27 AM   #10
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by calculating1 View Post
    I like this answer. I have felt this way since the beginning.
    Comes from my own hellish experience. My boyfriend had an "ex" who would not give up and tried to stay good friends with him. The problem was she could not handle him talking to her about us. When I pointed that out, he realized that she was hung up on him and way to close emotionally. In order to keep his relationship with me, he had to make her see reality and create boundaries with her. She is no longer in the picture. Funny how when she realized he was committed to me she took off for good. This could be the same situation with your gf's "friend".

     
    Old 08-23-2010, 12:09 PM   #11
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    I wouldnt stand for what shes doing. Maybe harmless in her mind (if she is only friends with him) but it is harmful to you, as its bothering you. If she doesnt listen to you , then that means shes putting her ex's feelings/needs before yours. There just is no point in been with her. She seems to be having best of both worlds. Keeping you both. Why not find someone who is all for YOU and not you and the ex????? Going to movies together, dinner etc thats acting like a relationship. Get rid in my opinion but its entirely upto you. You deserve better. She has no right to play games with someones emotions. How would she feel? Why dont u tell her your hanging out with a girl and going to movies tonight when she asks what you been upto. Say you met at college or wherever you go and say shes staying tonight and ya both gonna have a pizza and a movie. See how she feels. I dont believe in playing games when it comes to relationships but sometimes very rarely its necessary to test someone to see what they would be like.

     
    Old 08-23-2010, 03:02 PM   #12
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    Re: Normal for a girl to be best friends with her ex?

    casw is right but instead of saying you met tell her its an ex. that automaticaly throws up red flags to anyone and will be putting her EXACTLY where she is putting you.

     
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