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    Old 12-23-2010, 02:56 PM   #1
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    Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    New member here - I wanted to share my story just to get it out there, and see if anyone can relate, and perhaps provide feedback. I am a 38 year old male, who does not drink or use non-perscription drugs of any kind .

    For me, anxiety started about a decade ago when working in a high stress giant software company up in Washington state. At the time I was also on my way to becoming a full fledge alcoholic. I noticed anxiety coming on when important meetings were looming that I had to speak in. I went to my doctor and he gave me xanax to help with those ordeals. Of couse I started to abuse the xanax as well. This went on for about six years the alchohol increased. I got a DUI in 2006 and tried to get clean, but life was topsy turvy and I ended up loosing my job, had to sell my house, and my wife of 10 years decided to split with the kids.

    Over the next few years, I continued to struggle with alcohol , but eventually got back together with my wife, and we all ended up in the Bay Area of California. I had a new job, and things were looking up. However, I think I had undiagnosed depression and it was frustrating to try and get proper care/someone to listen to me and help me through my health providor.

    I relapsed on alcohol in Feb of 08 and my wife said she was going to leave me. I went off the deep end and started staying out late, drinking. until July 2nd of 2008 when I ended up crashing my motorcycle and ended up in a medically enduced coma in San Fran General for about 3 weeks. I messed myself up pretty badly - broke my femur in 5 places, shattered my knee cap, dislocated all of my left toes, damaged my kidneys, broke a few discs in my back, and broke a bone in my shoulder. Needless to say I was in the hospital for about 3 months (including one month in a very bad inpatient physical rehabilitation center - where I was the first person under the age of 50 to have been there in the last decade). The physical rehab place was VERY depressing and I longed for the day when I could go home.

    My wife had told me, when I woke up from the coma that she decided to stay with me - I think I really needed to hear that to start on a path of rebuilding my life. When I got home, we slept in seperate bedrooms, and I was only home for a week when I was rushed back to the hospital as my foot had ballooned up. This was the first time I found out about staph infection and MRSA or even what it was. I was in the hospital for a week as they drained my foot over a period of three operations and sent me home to have the incision close by itself so it could continue to drain and get healthy.

    At the end of 2008 I returned to the hospital as I had MRSA outbreak on my knee, then in the summer of 2009 I had to go into the hospital for about 5 days to have a large section of skin removed from knee to get rid of MRSA.

    Around thanksgiving of 2009 I found out my wife was still planning on leaving me (found a seperate checking account/cell phone that she had kept from me). I also had been suffering from MRSA in my femur/knee area again - deep down inside but it was so bad that it had worked its way to the surface and I was having MRSA draining out of the side of my leg on a daily basis.

    January of 2010, I went to the hospital again, this time for a week, to have the doctors REALLY try and get rid of much of the MRSA as possible and clean up my femur and knee. While I was in the hospital, my wife and kids were moving out of my house. I still have my kids on the weekends, but it's been tough.

    I had to take all of January off from work to recover from this major operation and felt very fatigued during the recovery portion. I thought it was just my body trying to adjust/heal from all the staph infection/operation/wife moving out/etc.

    The fatigue continued through the winter and into the spring - I often had problems getting up for work and was often 1-2 hours late.

    Since I had never really settled the DUI matter in washington from 2006 I made preperations to go deal with that and thats when the anxiety & first ever panic attack started happening. I was very worried about the outcome of the court case, what to do about my driving privliedges (since not having a license since 2006 when the DUI happened) and just general money issues now living on my own and paying child support to my ex-wife.

    As the weeks counted down to my court appointment and the anxiety/panic got worse I asked my doctor for some valium. He gave me some and it helped, but I had to go see my psychiatrist for longer term help.

    I explained to him what was going on in my life and he suggested I start taking celexa. It seemed to help after about 4-8 weeks of taking it and things were looking better. I still had alot of fatigue, but at least the anxiety seemed to be curbing downward.

    I then met a woman, and things got serious pretty quickly - we realized almost right away that the celexa was causing delayed ejaculation so I started going back to my psych doctor to try other medications that may have less sexual side effects.

    At this point - mid/late summer 2010, I started trying various different medications - BuSpar, Luvox, etc. every one of them seemed to come with ED side effects and I was now on this rollar coaster ride of ups and downs with anxiety, depression, fatigue, and insomnia (I have always been a night person, but this past year I have not been able to get up when I stay up late when I used to be able to get up fine - or at least with only a little grumbling).

    Things got tough between my girlfriend and I - problems in the bedroom, my insomnia, me worrying about money, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

    She eventually broke up with me the week after thanksgiving, and at that time I decided I would try celexa again. Which I have been on for about three weeks. I went to her house to try and work things out and we are back together now on a trial run.

    But here is where I am at currently - I have started to eat better, cut out all caffenne, really cut down on refined sugers, eating wheat bread instead of white, no more soda, etc. I also have started swimming at the YMCA a few weeks ago - it's been tough to work out previously because regular exersize bikes/machines/etc really tear up my ankle, but swimming seems to help and not be quite as impactful.

    I am still having MAJOR bouts of anxiety (long lasting throughout the work day to the point where I can not do any work at all, or the bare minimum, tightness in chest, and a general feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, I get cold easily, have slight fevers or sweats, massive insomnia, feeling lathargic, tired, nothing seems of interest to me, and constant worrying about money, if I am going to perform in bed ok, if I am going to get noticed at work for doing a lousy job and let go, etc.)

    I goto group therapy once a week for the last six months and started personal therapy about a month ago. I've been on the celexa for about 3 weeks now.

    This week has been ESPECIALLY bad - I set the alarm for 8am, but keep resetting it and dont get out of bed until 10:30-11am. I can't fall asleep at night even with sleeping aids (which I think also are contributing to my anxiety). The last two days after work all I have been able to do is go home and lie down - watch TV or goto sleep - but then that keeps me up until the middle of the night because I wake up at 9 or so, need to eat, and cannot fall back asleep until 2-3am.

    These past few weeks I feel like all I have done at work is sit and read up on anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and what types of vitamins to take to help stop besides what I am doing already. Sometimes I try and breathe deeply but that doesnt seem to work and I get winded easily.

    I know I still have some MRSA inside of me - just did some blood work a few days ago and some of the warning signs are slightly on the rise (no where near where they were at last year) but getting back up there. So I am upping my antibiotic back up to 2 a day (doxycycline) instead of the normal one.

    I have been on Morphine for the last 2.5 years since the initial accident, but have weaned down from 480mg a day last year at this time to about 30-60mg a day now. I stopped taking ambian because it seemed to be contributing to the daily anxiety episodes. I have been taking restirol but that doesn't seem to be helping much any more.

    As for vitamins, I take ginkgo biloba, B complex, B3, E, D, Gentle Iron, Probiotics, Calcium, Magnesium, Potassium.

    I have been smoking for about 4 years now - but been trying to quit over the last 2-3 months (its been very tough).

    The anxiety, fatigue, and general lack of interest in doing things has been really taking its toll on my well being of late and I feel like I am doing everything I can to try and combat it - my psych doctor can be frustrating at times and doesn't seem to understand the "whole picture" but it's tough to keep going back and back or searching for a new psych doctor. I have worked with my general practitioner about the fatigue as well, and all tests came back normal that he ran (a plethera of blood work).

    I am worried that I am going to loose my girlfriend again, loose my job, and worse, just continue to feel so anxiety ridden and fatigued that I am going to just stop functioning all together. I know I carry alot of things on my shoulder (the divorse, working things out with the courts, money, worry about job, girlfriend, driving without license (have no choice), bum leg, etc.) and am very frustrated that I cannot seem to find a solution out of this hole - days when I am not at work seem to be much better than when I am at work, have thought about changing jobs, but want to feel better first, know I can get up on time to be at work, and perhaps get my driving situation improved before I make that next leap - plus I have phobia about having to start a new job with new people and have it end up the same or worse than what it is now.

    Last year, even in the middle of the large MRSA outbreak I had no fatigue or anxiety - this all seems to be new this year...just want to feel beter

    Last edited by msmod; 12-23-2010 at 03:59 PM. Reason: Removed posting rules violations. Ms_Mod

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    Old 12-23-2010, 10:38 PM   #2
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    Re: Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    Young man you have been through much -time to stop beating up on yourself .It is going to take time and lots of patience to recover .Real good for you to write about your health status emotionally and physically .You have gained control over your infection and alcohol thats a positive. Spirits up you are on your way to RECOVERY !!!!!!!!!!!

    Last edited by msmod; 12-24-2010 at 04:28 AM. Reason: Removed posting rules violation. Ms_Mod

    Old 12-24-2010, 03:40 AM   #3
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    Re: Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    You have been through so much! I think it is wonderful that you are changing old habits into good ones now!!! The anxiety is tough, but you are doing all the right things to help yourself manage it through all your troubles. I don't think it ever leaves any of us, but in time, it becomes more manageable here and there.
    I wish you continued success on your journey and hope this New Year brings you happiness and health.

    Old 12-28-2010, 10:58 AM   #4
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    Re: Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    Thank you both Ktspirit4 & eddysmom1 for your kind words and encouragement.

    I'm pretty much off of perscription morphine now, and have decided to stop taking my antibiotic for a while to see if that was also contributing to anxiety.

    If my MRSA staph comes back as a result of not being on the antibiotic, so be it - I will tell the doctors I need an alternative solution.

    I hope everyone is having good holidays.

    Old 01-23-2011, 12:20 PM   #5
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    Re: Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    Update -
    I have been off of morphine since December 25th. All of the short term w/d effects are gone (achy leg/joints).

    I stopped the morphine and was also on celexa for a month and stopped basically everything all at once cold turkey - a week later my serious g/f broke up with me (for the 2nd time). I was in a pretty depressed state for a good week to ten days.

    I couldn't completely handle it so I turned to buspar to try and help. I also had been taking ativan off and on to help with the semi-daily/daily physical anxiety symptoms I was having.

    I continue to go swimming 3-4 times a week and that seems to be helping.

    I saw my psych and he put me on welbutrin XR to help with the depression I was feeling after the cold turkey from everything/dumped by girlfriend experience.

    Anyway, so the anxiety has been around since last Spring - on and off, but on more this past fall/winter as I really tried to cut out the morphine all together.

    I am hoping that with time (another few months?) that the anxiety will start to dissipate and I can start feeling more "normal" - without procrastination, fatigue, anxiety, etc.

    One thing that does seem better lately is the insomnia has, for the most part, left me. I can sleep earlier and for longer periods of time and I am not having as much trouble getting up for work these days. Hopefully soon I will become energized to actually do work when I am there instead of procrastinating and surfing the web while at work.

    I am also concerned about the ativan. I have been taking that on days when the anxiety is really bad (I dont get any type of high off of it, it just reduces anxiety), but I am thinking this needs to get cut out of my life as well.

    Last edited by tommyriley; 01-23-2011 at 12:21 PM.

    Old 03-08-2011, 09:08 AM   #6
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    Re: Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    Hi Mr. Tommy!

    Theres no Question that you Have so many hardship in life..
    Sir before anything else that I will say to you that you may think of Just silly I just wanted to Introduce my self to you. We are just the same I'm also having so many troubles in life including some health issues and also having a hard time using English language, Sorry about that but I'm trying my best here! You know?! ^ ^ I'm Only 19 yrs. old sir, but it doesn't mean that I have nothing to say about this kind of issues in life.

    It's been almost 1 year since I became a slave of my own body because of the illness until now I didn't know. I cant even walk for a minute because of the heart pounding feeling and the trembling of my body also with shortness of breath, with a blurred eye because of the fatigue and with so many pain that I feel, I'm turning 20 yrs. old in march 10 but all of my 19 yr. I spend it with sickness and depression. My work and studying had stopped by the way I'm a working student before but now just at home I've almost perfected the way of lying down, just to make the long story short I'm a broken young man!

    Not all that! all most 20 yrs. me and my family are called NPA means No Permanent Address we have moved with almost 15 different houses and state in our country...
    We don't have enough money to make for a living here, maybe one of the reason is that we are living in a third world country nation where corruption, hunger and Core poor people is prominent, where sometimes having a meal in our table is a daily struggle for many, sometimes including our family.

    Now here's why I share a bit of my life to you and even exert an effort writing in english even though My nose is bleeding right now and struggling in vocabulary and sentence construction for you to understand what I'm saying.

    I came to the point where I can't hold anything out of my life, My health are zapped down and still struggling! I cant even have a Job because of my condition and if I can't have a job I cant also pursue my college I cant figure out my life right now! Until I learn how to tilt my head and look up in the sky wow! I know you can figure this out I see clouds and of course a wonderful blue sky!

    God Bless You Sir!

    Last edited by msmod; 03-08-2011 at 10:16 AM. Reason: Removed long quote. Ms_Mod

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    Old 03-18-2011, 11:26 PM   #7
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    Re: Tommy's Battle with Anxiety & other issues...

    Thanks for your words. I hope you are able to get through your hardships and finish your education! May brighter days come your way.

    As for me, I have been off the Ativan now for about six or seven weeks. I stopped the BuSpar and am trying celexa again (10mg instead of 20mg a day this time). Still on the welbutrin. Since being off the BuSpar my anxiety has come back again - but alittle different, more like nervousness than tightness in the chest.

    Here's to hoping all of this is from the ativan and morphine and other crud that was in my system. Just hoping I start feeling normal again sometime soon and can focus on the present instead of worrying about the future or regreting the past.

    Got a new girlfriend - she is in recovery. I goto alot of AA meetings with her...I've never worked the AA steps, but willing to give it a shot if it helps me start feeling better mentally - would also be good to have some spirituality in my life. Never been a big spiritual person - missing all the signs all around me all the time.

    thanks again for everyones encouragements!

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