It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 12-20-2010, 10:39 PM   #1
    vs1988
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 154
    vs1988 HB User
    Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    hi all,

    A little bit of background: my girlfriend and I are both in college, and have been dating for a little over three months. We attend the same school. Her older brother, who is two years older than her, attends a different college and commutes from home.

    Her family does not know about me; she is keeping me a secret. Her mother forbids her from dating because she feels it will interfere with her school, but from what my girlfriend has told me, she can be reasonably flexible and willing to at least listen. Her brother, on the other hand, is a completely different story. The guy goes as far as restricting her from having male friends, period. He scours her ******** profile for comments from guy friends, and he calls her and chews her out for it. She told me that one time, her mother and brother came to campus to visit, and two of her male floormates popped their heads in the door to say hello. The brother got extremely aggressive, and almost started a physical fight with the two guys.

    Over the past summer, she made plans to stay with a male friend because she and her friend were both taking summer courses at school. Her mother was actually okay with it, but her brother, upon finding out, immediately put an end to it, and called her friend a "rapist".

    In yet another instance, her mother found her roommate's stash of alcohol in their dorm room. Her mom was "disappointed" but otherwise was not angry over it. However, when her brother found out, he called her on the phone and chewed her out. I was with her when he called, and could clearly hear him shouting at her over the phone, saying things like "are you (expletive) stupid? I'm going to come up there right now and teach you a lesson" along with other threats.

    I asked her if he has ever hit her, and she denies it. However, it is clear that this kid is very verbally abusive, and tries to control every aspect of her life. I'm speaking with her right now online since we both are at home for winter vacation, and she is telling me that he's making her life absolutely miserable, by not allowing her out with friends, telling her when to go to bed, what to do, etc. Bear in mind she is 19 years old, a legal adult, and this guy has no business or legal right in ordering her around. Whenever he berates her she just takes it because she's too afraid to argue back, and the times that she has tried, he simply raises his voice and goes on a tirade to the point that it scares her.

    I'm not sure how to help her with it. There is no doubt in my mind that if her brother found out we were dating, I'd be in physical danger since he's already proven himself to have aggressive tendencies (starting the fight with the two kids on her floor). However, I'm not too worried about myself at this point, and more worried about how he is making her life miserable. I've only been listening and consoling her up to this point, but that only goes so far. Any advice on how to help her?

    Thanks

    Last edited by vs1988; 12-20-2010 at 10:46 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 12-21-2010, 08:09 AM   #2
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,285
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    does she WANT help?
    if she's unhappy with the situation, she needs to stay away from him, and refrain from telling him anything about her life.
    she needs to stand up to him and tell him to knock this stuff off, she will make her own decisions
    if she's not willing to do this, she must be getting something out of this relationship

     
    Old 12-21-2010, 11:55 AM   #3
    baffomet
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2010
    Location: California
    Posts: 165
    baffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    The only thing you can really do to help her is to be there for her.

    Does she ever speak up? Where is the father in this situation? I'm suspecting that there might also be a cultural issue since the brother seems very overbearing and controlling while the rest of the family doesn't say/do much.

    My advice would be to think of YOUR safety first and really evaluate the situation and decide if it's worth getting involved. Three months isn't a long time but I understand your concern.

    Just remember you're NOT going to save her!!! She's the only one that save herself. She's the only one that can set her boundaries with her brother and family. You can be there to console her but remember change can only come within her.

    Good luck!

     
    Old 12-21-2010, 12:48 PM   #4
    vs1988
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 154
    vs1988 HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    Thanks for the replies. She does want help and for the situation to change, but she's just unsure about how to go about it. I wouldn't call her passive, but she has a hard time putting her foot down on issues and voicing her thoughts. As for her father, her parents are divorced, and she very rarely, if ever, see her dad (maybe twice a year) and does not maintain much communication with him.

    As for this being a cultural issue, I think this may be a factor, but not entirely. Her parents are from another country, but both she and her brother were born and raised here in the US, which is why I'm not so sure that the issue with her brother is so much a cultural issue as it is a personality issue. I have wondered if her brother is just trying to fill that parental void left by the absence of their dad, but if so, he's definitely going about it the wrong way. Also, from what she has told me, he berates and yells at their mother too; not to the extent of controlling her like he controls my girlfriend, but insofar that he will yell at her and put her down to get his way.

     
    Old 12-21-2010, 12:53 PM   #5
    BigRed54
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2008
    Location: Iowa USA
    Posts: 452
    BigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    Is there a counseling service your gf can avail herself of at college? The right counselor could help her figure out how to approach her brother and mother to allow her to grow up. If she does not change these dynamics soon, her brother will be running her life forever. And whomever she has a relationship with will be right in the middle.

     
    Old 12-21-2010, 04:16 PM   #6
    cryingforever
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    cryingforever's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2010
    Location: yorkshire, uk
    Posts: 1,781
    cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    nothing will change till she tells him to back off. who does he think he is bullying her and the mother. its angers me when i hear about people who control people it is totally wrong. she really needs to make a choice spend rest of her life for him sort of thing and be controlled or tell him stick his demands and bullying and enable herself to have her own life.

     
    Old 12-21-2010, 11:47 PM   #7
    cryingforever
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    cryingforever's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2010
    Location: yorkshire, uk
    Posts: 1,781
    cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    in the past my brother used to be abit controlling or should i say try to be. he would ring or text and DEMAND a reply and if i didnt answer straight away i would get abusive texts. if my brother doesnt get what he wants he kicks off but i would text him and say ''i am busy and i will get back to you when i am ready not when you tell me to, whole world doesnt revolve around you'' id still get abusive texts but my point is , i didnt let him win. he was NOT going to boss me around and you need to tell your girlfriend to put her foot down with her brother...in my opinion the way her brother is acting is not normal. she is her own person, she has to make her own choices, tell her things wont change till she either moves away or tells him to stick it. i notice that alot of bullies only do it because they are miserable in there own life and bullying someone else makes them feel like there life is roses and all great and to grab some power. its immature and NOT fair.

    Last edited by cryingforever; 12-21-2010 at 11:47 PM. Reason: forgot to put a word in

     
    Old 02-28-2011, 01:31 PM   #8
    vs1988
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 154
    vs1988 HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    Hi all, just wanted to update this thread with a situation that occurred last night.

    Around 9pm, my girlfriend and I went to the on-campus movie theater to watch a movie. About an hour in, I received an urgent text message from her roommate saying that her brother was at her dorm. We left the theater and headed over to the student center, where she called her brother and asked why he was here. He told her not to question him and asked where she was so he could meet up with her. She told him to come to the student center, and asked me to leave in case her brother saw us together. Instead, I sat by a row of tables several feet away, in case anything happened. We waited close to an hour and her brother never showed up. She texted him asking if he was coming, and he said he had gone home instead (he lives about two hours away from our campus). Several minutes later she got a text from her cousin, a graduate student, who said that her brother had called him and asked to spend the night at his apartment. Her cousin knows that her brother is "overprotective", but does not know the details and extent of what he does to her, so he didn't really question anything.

    At that point, we called my girlfriend's roommate to be sure that the brother was not there. When we found out he wasn't, we went back to her room to get my backpack and belongings. Her roommate was there, and recounted to us what had happened: she had come back from the library to find him roaming the hallway on their floor. The main entrance to the dorm building is locked and accessible only via keycard issued to students, so he must have waited outside the dorm until somebody went in or out, and slipped in. When he saw her roommate, he immediately demanded to know where she was, and said "come on, tell me, I call tell you're lying to me", and "I know she's up to no good". Her roommate tried to play it off and stay calm, and slowly unlocked the door in case we had been in there. As she unlocked the door, he shoved her out of the way and barged into the room, and went on a tirade telling the roommate that she was a liar and to stop covering for her. After my girlfriend called him, he left the room (but apparently did not come to the student center like he said he would).

    My girlfriend was very shaken up by this whole incident, so we gathered some of her stuff and she stayed with me at my apartment off campus. When we woke up this morning he had texted her several times throughout the night, saying "let's meet up tomorrow", "I know what you're doing", and "you can run but you can't hide".

    I insisted on calling the police about this, but my girlfriend didn't want to get her brother in trouble, and said that "he would never hurt anybody". I asked her to at least speak to a professional on campus about what to do about the situation with her brother, and she eventually agreed. She initially (from my first post) did not want to seek help because she didn't want to tell a stranger her personal business and portray her brother in a bad light, but after last night's incident she feels that she wants to at least talk to a counselor on campus.

    Besides her scheduling an appointment with a counselor, is there anything else that can be done? She is scared, but claims he is not a danger. She says she is more afraid that if her brother found out about our relationship, he would bully their mother (whom he also pushes around) into withdrawing her from college and putting her into community college at home so he can monitor her further. I really wanted to call the police as this guy is really showing some stalker/violent tendencies, like pushing her roommate and forcing his way into her room, and driving 2 hours to our campus unannounced, but she insists that he's not a threat. I feel like I'm at a loss for what to do at this point. My priority is that she is safe.

    Thanks

    Last edited by vs1988; 02-28-2011 at 01:34 PM.

     
    Old 02-28-2011, 01:49 PM   #9
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,285
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    the guy sounds psycho......
    and unless your girlfriend stops asking him "how high" when he says JUMP, nothing will change.....
    don't you see she's partially responsible for allowing this to continue?
    why should a grown woman have to dodge her brother?
    why should a grown woman have to answer to her brother?
    she needs to tell him to BUZZ-OFF and be done with it.....stop indulging him....

     
    Old 02-28-2011, 02:02 PM   #10
    vs1988
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 154
    vs1988 HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    I spoke with my girlfriend about this last night, and she said that she felt it would be useless confronting him, as his rationalization for his actions is that "if she had nothing to hide, he would not have to be so strict with her" (even though she has not and isn't doing anything wrong), essentially blaming her for his psychotic behavior. She is also still a legal dependent of her mother (father is out of the picture due to a divorce), and her brother has the mother in his back pocket and can manipulate her as well as override her decisions. For example, she asked her mother last summer if she could stay with a friend while taking summer courses and her mother was okay with it, but when the brother found out he immediately said no and overturned her mom's decision. She's scared that if she ever spoke out against him, he would have her mother withdraw her from school, further making the situation worse.

    Last edited by vs1988; 02-28-2011 at 02:03 PM.

     
    Old 02-28-2011, 02:30 PM   #11
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,285
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    well I guess you're just going to have to accept that this is how it is, and this is how it always will be.....whether she is 20 years old or 50 years old.
    do you want to live like that?

     
    Old 02-28-2011, 10:21 PM   #12
    cryingforever
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    cryingforever's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2010
    Location: yorkshire, uk
    Posts: 1,781
    cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
    Re: Girlfriend's controlling brother ruining her life, need advice

    makes me very annoyed reading this post. she is living her life for HIM not for herself and her own happiness. your going to have to be stronger with her im afraid else nothing will change. who does he think he is...very strange how a brother would act like that. he clearly has mental health issues and needs to seek help. im not saying abandon her but accept that if shes not going to do anything about it , this is the way your relationship will be (on her brothers demands/rules etc). you won't be able to go visit places or get married or have children later on in life because he would have to know about you and would try stop your relationship etc... i know it seems a little cruel but this is what i would do...ultimatum. i know some people on here may disagree with me here as it will look like your pressuring her but she needs a push to solve this. i would tell her ''i cant have a relationship like this anymore i am sorry. you have to sort something out pronto else i am going to have to leave as this isnt what i want in a relationship i wanted normality and no hassle''. cruel but kind i think. may work. may not. plus, shes partly to blame as she is 'allowing' her life to be controlled by her brother.

    Last edited by cryingforever; 02-28-2011 at 10:23 PM.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    mens controlling mothers + my narcissistic father = recipe for disaster sy12345 Relationship Health 4 11-15-2009 12:23 PM
    His highschool girlfriend after 20 years. wishgirl Relationship Health 78 12-04-2007 05:58 PM
    Girlfriend blaming herself for mishaps with sick guys, help... MrZeely Relationship Health 24 09-17-2007 06:04 PM
    Girlfriend's Addiction bartee Relationship Health 14 08-08-2007 10:52 AM
    I cant tell. Do i want to be with my girlfriend, or not. MrZeely Relationship Health 39 08-06-2007 02:30 PM
    OT: My girlfriend is very attractive ADDsubtract Relationship Health 16 03-21-2005 11:18 PM
    My girlfriend - cheated on me 2 times.. and other stuff.. =( Advice PLEASE! Nagnag Relationship Health 7 10-16-2003 01:52 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:56 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!