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  • So confused! Need to find myself again!

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    Old 07-12-2011, 09:51 PM   #1
    Mary83
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    So confused! Need to find myself again!

    I know that break-ups are a really confusing time for most people and any sense of security or stability you had kind of goes out the window. My problem with this recent break up isn't so much the break up itself, but the aftermath. It's not so much the loss of my ex, I've been dealing with that very well actually, aside from a few moments here and there. I know he was so wrong for me and I deserve so much better, so it's been easy to accept. I do miss certain things about him, but I'm mostly just having a hard time letting go of our lifestyle... our apt, our routines, etc. My problem right now is that I feel SO completely lost! I'm 28... jobless (looking to get into my career field, but it's been HARD!), will soon not have an apt, etc. I feel like I have nothing right now other than family and friends. With that comes what you would think would be a great sense of freedom. I can do whatever I want, move wherever I want, etc. At first the prospect of change and freedom was really great, but now it's just overwhelming! I feel like I don't really trust myself right now, and I have too many options. I'm in Boston visiting my sister right now and she wants me to move here. I'm considering it. I live in CO in a smaller city... I could stay there and maybe move in with a friend, but jobs are hard to find. I could move to Denver about an hour away and find a job there and start over. I have a friend in Chicago who wants me to move out there. I considered the option of going overseas for a few months (I lived abroad for a year before). I feel like I have so many options that it's overwhelming and stressing me out. I feel like I have to make a decision soon because I need to figure out looking for jobs and where I'm going to live. I don't do well with big decisions, especially under time constraints. On top of all this, I have guys just throwing themselves at me (guy friends, and exes). I have some that want to come visit me, other friends that want to hang out, but make it know they're interested in me, etc. These are people I've known for a long time. I know they all respect me and care for me and they probably think I'm flattered by all the attention, but I'm not really. It's really overwhelming right now. I know I just need to tell them all to back off, because they have all made it clear that they are my FRIEND first and they respect me, but that they are interested. I know if I tell them to back off, they will, and if not, they can move on without me. It's just so much to handle right now. I feel like a little kid right now... totally lost, no direction in life. Just less than 2 weeks ago I thought I had it all figured out. How do I make these decisions and move on? I'm really ready to move on and be happy again. I don't feel like myself lately and I'm going crazy! I think the loss of self-esteem and security from another failed relationship is really subconsciously screwing with my head and my ability to trust myself to make good decisions...

     
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    Old 07-13-2011, 06:39 AM   #2
    pendulum
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    Yes, I can sense sadness in your post, but not hopelessness...

    <....>

    Last edited by pendulum; 07-15-2011 at 03:00 AM. Reason: irrelevant

     
    Old 07-13-2011, 06:42 PM   #3
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    I don't know, I think having lots of options and being free to pursue any of them is a good thing...

    Think of all the women who are stuck in abusive marriages who haven't worked in 15 years and have 4 kids. Or, a woman who gave up all of her friends and family for some guy who then dumped her. OR, someone who uprooted her entire life and moved across the country for a guy and is now stuck alone in a strange city, far from friends and family, with no job and no prospects.

    I think your life sounds exciting!

    And don't ever say "all" you have are friends and family. Do you know how lucky you are to have them???

    I think you are in a great place right now. I would envy you except I kind of have it all right now too... If you have your health too, then I'd say you're blessed. Unless you're one of those women who think that without a man life is worthless...and you're not, right?

     
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    Old 07-14-2011, 01:05 AM   #4
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    Hi Mary,

    I must admit, when you mentioned that all you have are your friends and family, I thought how lucky you are to be able to make that statement.

    As much as you feel pressure to make a decision soon, I would encourage you to take one day at a time for now. As each day unfolds, so do different possibilities. I think this would be a good time to spend with family, somewhere where you are safe and free to think about your next step. I am not sure how many options you have for staying with family and how near or far any of them are to you, but that is where i would start. Do you have things you need to store? I would take this time to clear as much of your things as possible, keeping only those things that are either dear to you or essential. The less stuff you have to worry about the better. You will need to get yourself down to a manageable amount of things that you can carry yourself, if you are going to vagabond it. How are your finances for now? Do you have any money to live on for awhile? That will make a difference in your options for housing and food etc.

    I would avoid making any real solid or big decisions, even though you may feel a need to. The last things you want is to find yourself in a situation that you cannot get out of easily as things appear to you. As pendulum said, the answers you seek are right inside you, and allowing yourself the time and the space the look carefully within is your best bet in finding the direction you need to point yourself. Please write back and let us know your feelings...

    janet

     
    Old 07-14-2011, 09:55 PM   #5
    Mary83
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    I do realize how lucky I am to have such great and supportive friends and family! Without them I would be totally lost. I really have never had to deal with much COMPLETELY alone, so I really am blessed. I guess what my deal is now that I'm just scared. I feel I have no real direction in life... no purpose. I have nothing to focus my attention on. I'm trying to get into my career field which would be extremely exhausting, yet mentally stimulating and rewarding. It's just so hard to find a job right now, especially in my field and my city. So it's really frustrating. I just feel kind of worthless right now, like I'm just barely making it in life. My relationship is over, I have no job, soon will have no apartment, etc. I guess it's just scary to be starting completely over again. I'm SO ready to get into my career, get married, start a life, a family etc. I keep wondering "when's it going to be my turn?". I know that time will come when it's right, but it's getting hard to be patient.

    Being out of town and away from my ex and that whole "life" has been great for me. I've been happy, having fun, and trying not to stress. The problem is that I'm already stressing about what I have to face when I get home. It's great to run away for a bit, but your problems are always waiting for you when you get back. I have to face my ex, the apartment that used to be "ours" and is still ours, but in a different way. My room is torn apart, empty, and lonely. The apartment that was once so comforting to me and was my "home" and my happy place is now a cold, distant, uncomfortable place for me. I need to figure out moving out... who is gonna stay and who is gonna go, etc. I guess it's just scary to know I have to face the real break up when I get home. I feel so strong and happy now, and I'm terrified to go back to that general uneasy feeling... the feeling of being "okay" but still having that underlying sadness. I feel like I just want to run away forever, but I know that's not how life works... and I just have to face it head on, get it over with, and officially move on.

    I guess this is just a place for me to be honest with myself. It's a place to put all my insecurities and weaknesses out there for anyone to read. If I'm being honest with myself, I need to just suck it up, face it, deal with it, and quit worrying. I am 28 years old! I've been through much worse than this and made it out just fine... this time is no different. This time is actually easier... so why does it feel just as hard? I think this time is hard just because I know that once again, I'm starting all over. I've lost myself temporarily...I've lost my focus, my purpose in life, my "happy" self. I need to get it back... and I will. I know I have SO much to look forward to! I have whole life to look forward, and I'll never get there until I face my problems and my current "life" head on. I feel like I just need to run through a ring of fire to get it over with. Once I'm through, I'll be fine on the other side, but I just need to get up the courage to go through it. I need to realize that the life I once loved is still back home in CO. It's still my life, and even though it's changed, it's still MY life that I've loved for so many years out there.

     
    Old 07-15-2011, 11:12 AM   #6
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    Could you move in temporarily with your friends or family?

     
    Old 07-15-2011, 02:42 PM   #7
    Mary83
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    Yeah, I'm thinking I will move in with my mom for a while once I get back to CO. I need to talk to my ex and figure out the apt stuff, but hopefully he can find someone to move in soon.

    Today I'm feeling like I really might want to move to Boston. I've been looking at jobs and apartments and stuff. There are just so many more opportunities out here that it's really appealing and might be a nice change for me. I guess I just have to wait and see how I feel once I get back to CO and go from there...

     
    Old 07-15-2011, 03:41 PM   #8
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    Re: So confused! Need to find myself again!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mary83 View Post
    Yeah, I'm thinking I will move in with my mom for a while once I get back to CO. I need to talk to my ex and figure out the apt stuff, but hopefully he can find someone to move in soon.

    Today I'm feeling like I really might want to move to Boston. I've been looking at jobs and apartments and stuff. There are just so many more opportunities out here that it's really appealing and might be a nice change for me. I guess I just have to wait and see how I feel once I get back to CO and go from there...
    You sound more positive in this post. You got some great opportunitys to take. Only live once grab these opportunitys while you can. Hope you make a happy decision for you.

     
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