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    Old 08-15-2011, 01:50 PM   #16
    twobyfour
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    What I meant when I say we have been arguing heavily for about a week, is just that. We usually dont argue. I can count on two hands how many times we've had a heated argument, and thats been almost three years. Baby is almost three as well.

    this past week, she has done nothing but point out my flaws and turn everything into an argument. This is a red flag for me. This is one of the reasons I started getting suspicious and putting it all together. I'm not saying I'm not wrong, just stating the reason I mentioned the arguing.

     
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    Old 08-15-2011, 01:55 PM   #17
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I've tried every approach you can possibly imagine, from straight up asking her to trying to go the foreplay route with kissing and touching..Nothing works. She has come out and told me on several occasions that she just doesn't care about it anymore, and that every now and then she'll get in the mood. She admits though it is once in a blue moon. Nothing more. She says most times when we do things it is only for me. Not for her.

     
    Old 08-15-2011, 02:22 PM   #18
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Does your wife feel any remorse or guilt for not wanting to have sex with you?

     
    Old 08-15-2011, 03:07 PM   #19
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    She does feel bad that she can't provide for my needs, but still the problem persists and she seems to never want to take the initiative to get it fixed.

     
    Old 08-15-2011, 03:54 PM   #20
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JumperOK View Post
    <snip> I take a more subtle approach. I've learned little things get her in the mood. A soft kiss on the neck; a long, loving hug or kiss; my hand on her thigh when were driving somewhere; sitting on the couch and "cuddling" (I know..."cuddling" is the bain of mans existence but...) rubbing her back and her butt. It's the little things. Fortunately, I don't have to do that all the time because her libido is much, much, much, much higher than my ex-wifes but I still try to seduce her throughout the day some times. Don't get me wrong. There are times when all I have to do drop-trou and we're off like a racehore at the track. Still, it's the excitement and anticipation of knowing what may be coming later that night that gets her (and ultimately, me) in the mood. I'll send her little explicit texts at lunch (she can't text during work except for lunch and breaks) complete with adult themed cartoons or smileys we've found.
    I know this works for a lot of women. I see it in magazines, in books, here, etc. But, then there are those women like me for whom this kind of wooing behavior is way more of a turn-off than on. There goes that perspective thing again.

    In addition to all the other great ideas in this thread, I would add that it might be worthwhile (at a time when neither of you are on the defense or upset about anything) to ask her what is most comfortable for her. For her to initiate, or to not initiate? To ask directly or to hint around? To woo her with romance?

    While it seems the problem is mostly with her physical self, I wonder if you have considered that there may be emotional/psychological issues around sex that are just now coming to light. I would definitely explore that area one day when you are both open to having such a discussion.

    Oh, and, at this point, I don't think it is necessary to mention the snooping. I understand why you did it. But, to lessen the potential for further damage to the relationship, I think you should go about repairing the relationship without divulging this.

    Is a marriage/couples weekend retreat doable (financially and time away)? That might be a really good jump start.

     
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    Old 08-15-2011, 05:27 PM   #21
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Well I came home this evening and just tried to act like myself. It is very hard to act normal when I know something is up. I'm afraid she may be suspicious too, because she asked me tonight why I was asking so many questions. I am trying to maintain my composure but it's very hard.

    I did ask her if she would like to go and do somethong saturday night, just to gage interest, and she seemed interested enough. She didn't blow it off like I thought she would.

     
    Old 08-15-2011, 05:45 PM   #22
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I lived with my girl and her 3 sisters....

    I speak from experience when I say if your wife is dressing nicer, wearing more make up than normal and likes to be "fresh" when she's out.... you've already lost her my friend.
    Its not an exact science but when a man cheats, its the south pole thinking, when a woman cheats, it's with the heart.

    When a man cheats, he goes home, showers and hopes there is no hickey to be seen. When a woman cheats, it's the love, affection, attention she's not getting from YOU. Thats why men go nuts when a woman cheats.....

    Again, not an exact science but I did live with 3 women aged 27-36 and I've seen it all.


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    Old 08-15-2011, 09:15 PM   #23
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Maybe you should stop asking her, as I said, silent is golden, there is no way you can get a real answer if you keep pushing her with bunch of questions. (I think it is also the same like man, how if we girl asking too much, such as why this why that about the relationship or do you want to do this, or that, bla bla bla)

    Why don't you just make a surprise? why don't you just do things (maybe you should stop the intercourse for a while just to win her back)... A hug every nights maybe is needed more than a sex thou.. and stop pointing her asking her if she is lying or not. If she was you, what will you answer? Will you feel good if you've been asked like that? If she was me, I will think "what? now you don't trust me? why you keep asking that?"

    Ask one time is ok, but the second time, the third time and so on we, as a human will think what is the reason behind that?

    I agree with Corissa, "When a woman cheats, it's the love, affection, attention she's not getting from YOU."

    So how you win her back? DONT JUST SAY! but DO! (Intercourse or making love not always represent what we called "Love")... as you told us, you say these romantic stuff but never work, well, it's time to try another thing now, DO!

    Do things what she do by helping her, listen to her, you know the housework, maybe you can cook for dinner, prepare the breakfast, etc..

     
    Old 08-15-2011, 09:53 PM   #24
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I'm in the same boat, but I'm the one having the online talking with another man, we've been married for 23 yrs. (my husband and I)
    and things have got boring, when I talk to this other man it is very exciting because most of our talk is sexual, I know it sounds terrible and I would never meet up with this guy, but we just have a on going talking relationship,
    thats probably why your wife keeps her phone by her, you just can't wait to hear from each other, the guy I talk to has his girlfriend living with him,
    so we talk when we can, and I think that adds to the excitement, I know it's wrong but if I don't hear from him I get all anxious till I do, then I feel betterI hope everything turns out alright for you, but if she is anything like me it's just the excitement from there conversations, and the things they say too you make you feel very special, maybe you could ask her if she minded if you text an old female friend of yours and see what she say's, good way to bring up the topic

     
    Old 08-17-2011, 08:10 AM   #25
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Well I had a long talk with her the other night and she finally came out and told me what was going on. I couldn't stand myself, and I couldn't hold back the fact that I knew something was up. As it approached bedtime I went in the other room, just because I didn't want her to see how upset I was.

    She eventually came looking for me. I was sitting in the living room on the couch in the dark, and she seated herself in the recliner beside me. I told her I knew something wasn't right, and she became all defensive. She began to ask me how I knew something wasn't right. I maintained my calm (suprisingly) because I figured it would make her talk.

    The first thing I did was ask her if she would lie to me. She said no, and then I asked her again about the doctor appt. There was a long pause, and she said no. I had just caught her in a lie, so I approached that. She defended it by saying "everybody lies every now and then." I basically todl her, a lie is a lie, no matter what it is about.

    I asked her if she was happy in the marriage. She said "for the most part yes". I asked her what was missing, and I got no response on several occasions. I then took that opportunity to expalin to her how I knew what was going on. I told her that this was not my first rodeo, and I had been in several relationships before and had been cheated on (she already knew this, I was just stating that again). I told her that the first time I was naive and never saw it, it took somebody pointing it out. The second time I knew it, but I didn't want to believe it. The point I made was that I knew the signs, and I knew for a fact she had been displaying some of those signs for a week or so. She immediately interjected and asked if I thought she was cheating.

    I told her no, I was just trying to make a point. After I made the point that I knew what the signs were, I asked her again. What is missing from our marriage? She finally admitted that even though I tell her I love her all the time, she feels like I don't. She feels like I don't really mean it, and that I am just going through the motions. I had been accused of this before in past relationships, so I knew right away where it was going. Problem is, I don't quite understand it, because I feel like I do a good enough job showing attention and love.

    I then asked her if she would look outside our marriage for what was missing. She replied with "Maybe". I again maintained my calm, but continued to slowly dig deeper. I asked her, "would you look to someone else (meaning another male) to find what was missing?" She replied again with "maybe". I then asked her, "have you looked somewhere else for what is missing?" There was a long slence and I had to repeat the question. I got the same "maybe" response. This means "yes" at this point, it is just a way for her to not actually say it.

    She got really upset, almost like she realized she just admitted her guilt and was waiting on my reaction. I simply told her that I was disappointed, but that I didn't blame her. Once she realized that I was "ok" with the confession, she opened up a tad more. I aksed her what had been talked about, and she told me that they had been texting each other back and forth for about 2 weeks, and that they had been talking about me. I asked what about, and she said they had talked about our problems, and some other stuff. She didn't really go into alot of detail. She did say that he had wanted to meet up with her, but she had declined, and that nothing had happened except for texting. When i asked his name she told me "you don't know him". Even though I do know the guys name and a few things about him. He is the same age as me. I of course didn't admit that I knew.

    Once that was all out in the open, I took the opportunity to vow that I would try to fix whatever it was that was lacking and move forward to put it past us. She of course ran with that idea because it removed her side of the problem, so to speak. We mostly made up and were very close that night. I felt a sense of relief and I imagine she did too. The best part to me was that I didn't have to admit that I had been through her phone, or checked up with the doctor's office.

    Well the next day came which was yesterday. I felt good most of the morning, but after lunch I started to feel bad feelings again. Feelings I can only describe as regret came over me, and I wondered what the night before's mending had really done.

    1. My first concern is that I may have made a bad move by showing her that I was not that upset about it and that I understood. I think to myself and feel like this only A) opens the door further for her, and lets her know that I am not worried about it, or B) the consenquences are not gonna be that bad if something worse does happen.

    2. These fellings progressed on into the night. I did pretty good at acting like myself, and we interacted like normal, if not well throught the night. The feelings only got worse when I noticed that she still would not leave her phone alone, and although she wasn't texting, she was watching it like a hawk. Every where she moved, she took it with her. By her side every minute. This sent me into panic. If this situation had been resolved the night before, why was she still so watchful of her phone?

    When bedtime came, she approached me for physical contact and the dread came over me. I could not help but bring it up again, and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I explained that the trust I had that was there is somewheat missing and it may take a while to get it back. Upon this type of conversation her mood quickly went south. She again became defensive and we started to argue.

    Even though I hadn't asked for it, she offered no proof (if there was even a way that there could be some) that she had stopped talking to this person. I felt like I needed that before I had more closure. I asked her if she had talked to him and she said no, but how do I know that? If you remember, the texts that she admitted to herself as being sent and received were gone..How do I know she hadn't been texting all day, and just deleting them..And even worse, what if I was made ot be the laughing stock of the conversation..example: "He finally approached me with it, but he seems ok with it, so lets just keep talking!" And then she deletes that..like it never even happend.

    I told her that I was just pretty upset that a guy who knew she was married still tried to get into our lives (her life) and obviously didn't have an issue with the fact that she was married. She didn't have much to say about this, and this concerned me. I then told her that even worse, I felt it was terrible that she would even let him try to come in given the cirmstances. Even through my strong expression of feelings about how bad this was, she just seemed indifferent. Kind of like a "well, you deserved it" type of attirude.

    I am now in the position that I never wanted to be in. It never crossed my mind that she would do something like this, and the major issue is that now the trust is gone on my part and there is a major wedge between us now, a major wedge in my mind. Where it was once easy to love and trust her, now I have to deal with this mess in the back of my mind. It's hard to live with myself knowing what has happened, and I can't seem to shake the sudden onset feelins of inadequacy and low self worth.

     
    Old 08-18-2011, 04:12 AM   #26
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I can understand your confusion here (I've had this experience with past boyfriends), but it sounds like you and your wife have different love "styles" (there's a pastor somewhere that calls them "love languages", I think, if you want to go hunt down the book about it.), but it may be that the favourite way for you to give and/or receive love is not the same as your wife's favourite way to give and/or receive love.

    From the sound of it, you have a very verbal style ... you enjoy complimenting your wife and telling her you love her, which may or may not be the way you enjoy "receiving" love (but usually, the type you like to give is the type you like to receive, most of the time.). It's basically the style you find the most fulfilling and that usually gives you the most pleasure, and it's totally a good thing, but it may not be your wife's thing.

    It could be that your wife has a different style, and the mismatch could why she's feeling that "you don't mean it", even though you know you've been trying your hardest. It's not your fault, but even with this trust issue, hunting down what your wife's style is might solve a couple problems - she might not be a verbal affection person, she could be a gifts person or a one-on-one time person, or someone who really feels that acts of service (like helping her with something like chores) are a way of expressing love that she feels means more to her.

    It's just a shot in the dark, but hopefully the above tidbit helps??

    Quote:
    1. My first concern is that I may have made a bad move by showing her that I was not that upset about it and that I understood. I think to myself and feel like this only A) opens the door further for her, and lets her know that I am not worried about it, or B) the consenquences are not gonna be that bad if something worse does happen.
    As I said before, you actually probably did a good thing keeping your calm, as it encouraged her to talk to you and to be more honest, even though it was really painful for you and likely, the same for her. Given that you've pointed out in #2 that you are having trouble trusting her and said as much to her, you have put it out in the open that you are not OK with what's going on.

    The rest of it, I'm not sure about. :/ It's completely fair to ask her to stop contacting the guy, but if she's feeling unloved due to this wedge, she might feel like she doesn't have anywhere else to turn, so like what some of the other people said, making yourself the better candidate might be one way to go. How to do this and figuring out how to express your emotions honestly is going to be tough either way though. :/ best of luck, sir.

     
    Old 08-18-2011, 09:36 AM   #27
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    Hi, the book is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and also Fireproof which is a book and also a movie on DVD. I'm so glad you had the confrontation with calmness with your wife and she shared herself with you. You tell her that you really love her and want to show her and have her feel it with more tools and if she would consider marital counseling. I know when I felt I wasn't getting what I wanted from my husband I wrote to someone and it was exciting and interesting but also knew it was wrong. I found out it was an emotional affair since I knew I wouldn't do anything physical with anyone if I was married and perhaps that is what your wife is doing. Somehow this person is fillling her emotional needs and that is not good. You have to set boundaries and she has to stop texting this person. I know you have to be firm but loving and ask if she wants this marriage to work that you both need to be on the same page and get help. Trust and respect is the foundation of a good marriage and you are on a rocky path right now. It isn't alright for her to do this and if you know this guy you can also try to talk to him that you want to make your marriage work. Best wishes.

     
    Old 08-18-2011, 09:50 AM   #28
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I do not know the guy, otherwise he would have heard from me by now. Trust me.

    She claims that the guy messaged her first on ********. She replied and then they started texting instead of ******** messaging. This adds up - I saw a few messages in her ******** log, which amounted to him telling her she was hot, and her replying with "you're pretty hot yourself"..and then I saw another where he said "Text me" and left is number. I was in a hurry to get through them so that's all I saw.

    I have since looked again, and those messages are gone. Also, I never did see the texts that apparently were happening between the two of them. She deleted those before I ever confronted her, so she had to have done it for a reason. Just trying to be sure I didn't catch a normal conversation with a friend? maybe. Covering tracks of something far worse? possibly.

    The trouble I'm having at the moment is that I don't know what was said in the texts between the two of them. All I have to go on is what she told me was said. Given the situation, with her keeping it from me to begin with, I feel like she may not have divulged everything. If I knew exactly what kind of conversation took place, I may better be able to cope with it.

    I mean if it was simple conversation that friends might do, and just statting concerns, that's one thing.

    But, if it progressed in to things that we obviously all know it could have, that isn't cool at all.

     
    Old 08-18-2011, 10:19 AM   #29
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I'm coming from a woman's point of view and you said your wife is Godly so she knows right from wrong and has a conscience and so do I. When a man and woman start talking about personal things it can first be very subtle and it sounds like physically they are attracted to each other so there is probably flirting. You are her husband and since she gets defensive since she knows she is doing something wrong as a married woman and is not getting what she wants from you right now, so you have to do your homework, get in the right frame of mind (and believe me I know this is so hard for you) and tell her that to make your marriage work you need marital counseling and renew your love for each other and trust and respect. This is not appropriate and if she wants your marriage then she will have to stop. I would fight for my marriage if my husband was texting or talking to another woman besides me for comfort, flirting, etc. No way would I take it and would make suggestions and options for him. I hope it works out for you. It is her choice and she will have to see where she wants her marriage to go.

     
    Old 08-18-2011, 10:42 AM   #30
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    Re: I suspect my wife is cheating / or thinking about it

    I'm sorry but the more I read your post the madder I get. You are not responsible and don't have to feel badly about your feelings and lack of trust. You did trust her until she started this drama in your lives and the life of your daughter. It takes two to make a marriage work and she needs to knock this off with the texting or E-mailing this guy if she wants to work it out with you. You need to do your homework and see what makes her feeled loved and cherished. You will need more support and more accountablitity for her actions. Do you have a pastor or someone close that can come and talk to her and share that this is not responsible nor acceptable in a marriage relationship? I guess you didn't think the phone would be such a temptation for her. She got the hang of it quickly and not in the right way. These are my views and opinions. I know it must be terrible difficult for you to work and to have these thoughts and feelings about your wife who you love and trusted. Try not to argue too much with your little one around because it scares them to see or hear mom and dad be upset with one another. Please get help and hopefully she will want it too. She thinks it might be fun to flirt but it is dangerous and not good for your marriage.

     
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