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  • My boyfriend kissed another girl while drunk at homecoming

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    Old 11-07-2011, 11:33 AM   #1
    GreyAugust
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    My boyfriend kissed another girl while drunk at homecoming

    My boyfriend of 4 years (as of today) kissed another girl while at our college homecoming last month. I was out of the country "pursuing my dreams" at a month long field school in Spain, something I'd always wanted to do - and had finally saved up enough to pay for entirely. Before I left he'd even ribbed me to not cheat on him with any Spanish guys.
    His decision to go to homecoming was not one I completely agreed with, as I was already somewhat irrationally worried something would happen simply because of the amount of alcohol I knew he'd probably be consuming. I mentioned repeatedly, if jokingly, I feared he would have very drunk younger girls to fend away, but he just laughed it off.
    In the middle of his homecoming "adventures" he messaged me after having been there for two days telling me it "was a mistake to come" and that he "shouldn't have tried to force the issue of trying to make better friendships of the friends he had in college" (he was older when he started college after having been in the navy for several years and always felt a disconnect from those around him because of his age and his inability to re-adjust to civilian life). I told him I was sorry and that he only had a day left, but secretly I was ecstatic as he went on about how he wished I'd been there with him, how he loved me and how he had such a great thing going for him in California.
    After he got back he told me he'd just been having a crappy day and it picked up and he was really glad he'd gone. My confusion over when he kissed the girl is troubling. He says that it was the night before he broke down and messaged me telling me he shouldn't have come, and that feeling guilty about it was part of why he regretted going at the time. I though he'd kissed her that Saturday night, after talking to me - and then suddenly he was glad he'd gone... He claims no, it was Friday. But I'm getting off track.

    My return from Spain was about the worst three days imaginable and after I finally got home he seemed a little distant, but I chalked it up to my lack of sleep and that awkward moment of seeing someone you haven't seen in what felt like ages. In hindsight it feels like he was acting guilty, but I might just be imagining it. Either way I got suspicious and after being away for a month was curious what he'd been up to... so I checked his computer (horribly tacky I know, but we've all done it before, don't lie).

    Anyway I found out that he'd apparently made out with one of his friends while they were both drunk in gchat message between the two. I was outraged! Not only had he apparently "hooked up" with another girl but here I was reading him flirt with her about it through and apology of "I'm really really really really sorry" "thank you for being a better person than me and saying 'No'" "Redbull and jager make me pretty friendly" and all this ******** about how he's "older" and "more attuned to stuff like that :P" in terms of being able to tell she was interested. SHE goes on about how she'd be "lying if she said she wasn't interested..." but that he actually "caught her off guard".
    And I'm sitting there going, "Excuse me, WHAT?"

    So I confronted him about it, telling him that we have mutual friends and that I told him if anything happened I would find out about it from someone. He denied, denied, denied. The thing is though - his ideas about cheating are that if it happens and you regret it and you never think it's going to happen again, don't tell her, forget about it and move on. It'll only spoil what you have. So in his head he weighed the option of me never finding out and everything being fine with him telling me/me finding out and having this happen. The lying though is what kills me. He really stuck to his guns there even though I adamantly told him "I KNOW! Just admit to it!"
    Finally he did, and I just broke down sobbing. I mean I'd known from the message but to hear him say it after denying it... I was so disappointed. I asked him why and said he couldn't really even say. It wasn't just the alcohol, but it definitely wasn't the girl (she's not that attractive, literally I know I don't always have the best self esteem but she's honestly a 6 to my 8 - I don't get it!). He and I had been going through rocky bits before I left but the separation seemed to be doing us so much good. A few days after I'd gone he was spouting how he missed me already and we ended our conversations with 'I love you's, something we hadn't done in months. And then he went to homecoming and was drunk for 85% of his visit...

    He said he thinks going to homecoming and, in turn, making out with her, probably just as a general idea represented the college experience he thought he'd have coming out of the navy - and was therefore an abstract amalgamation of all those "what if" girls he could have dated if he and I hadn't been dating for almost all of his years in college (albeit occasionally on and off). That he got drunk and she was obviously interested and they were apparently alone, and he didn't have any safeguards (his friend was supposed to be with him the whole time) so... they made out.

    And now I'm at a loss. I can't even hate him; somehow he managed to make jokes about other things toward the end of the conversation. He's apologized and told me he can understand if I can't trust him, if he were in my shoes he wouldn't trust him either. He's also never been one for showy gestures, so he'd never cry or beg or buy my flowers as an apology, so I shouldn't and can't expect it of him. Somehow I feel like he's still lying about something, either the fact that he says he "wouldn't have pushed it further" (when the chat says she said no) or when I asked how he talked to her about it afterward and he said he told her he was completely sorry and that it was stupid and he honestly regrets it (neither of the two latter words showed up in the conversation...).

    He's never cheated before, but who's to say he won't again?

    Sadly, we'd even been talking about marriage for the past few months. I want to get over this but I know it'll be there, lurking in the back of my mind.



    Tldr? My boyfriend got really drunk at homecoming, kissed another girl and can't really say why beyond that he was drunk, she was there and he and I had previously been having problems. He lied about various bits and I'm at a loss of where to go from here. I tend to dwell on things, in the really not cool, depressive way.

    What am I supposed to do?

    (Apologies for writing a novel...)

     
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    Old 11-07-2011, 07:15 PM   #2
    mugwump
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    Re: My boyfriend kissed another girl while drunk at homecoming

    On the plus side, he does seem remorseful and like it wouldn't happen again. On the down side, while the cat is away the mice will play. What if you went out of the country again, is he going to do the same thing, maybe with someone else? Four years is a long time to be together, so you'd think he would have not gone through with it if you guys were talking about marriage. I guess I'd have second thoughts about marrying him, but it does sort of seem like a one time thing. I guess it boils down to, can you trust him anymore? Does he really regret it, or is he just saying that? If he regrets it, why did he do it? I guess I'd confront him about whether he really wants to marry you or not, and how you're supposed to feel now that he did that. Seems like he has to make it up to you, if you are going to forgive him. Or is he afraid of marriage, and unconsciously did something to sabotage your relationship? Is the only reason he's faithful is because you are normally around, and when given the opportunity, he'll stray? I guess you have to figure out whether this was a fluke that won't happen again, in which case maybe he'd be okay to marry if he got it out of his system and learned his lesson, but if it could happen again, I'd say that's a big red flag and if you marry him it might lead to more heartache later on down the road.

     
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    Old 11-08-2011, 08:29 AM   #3
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    Re: My boyfriend kissed another girl while drunk at homecoming

    I'd get rid of him....you can't trust him, and he doesn't fit into your dreams....what kind of guy does that when his woman is off pursuing her dreams.....I'd expect more from a partner.....he'd be history

     
    Old 11-08-2011, 01:49 PM   #4
    GreyAugust
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    Re: My boyfriend kissed another girl while drunk at homecoming

    I respect your opinion rosequartz, but it's not that easy. After four years together, and one living together, 'getting rid of him' just doesn't feel like an option. And it's not that he doesn't fit into my 'dreams' - this was honestly the first chance I'd gotten to pursue them, and he honestly the one pushing me towards it, completely supportive. I can't help but feel if he hadn't gone to homecoming none of this would have happened... and yet it did.

    And now I can't stop thinking about it. The fact that he was lying so fiercely to apparently protect what we have is both troubling and perhaps indicative that he knows it was wrong and he regrets it. But the lying about other minor details... I just want honesty, even if it feels like a double edged sword.

    I mean why her? Why now? My best friend thinks it was his last attempt at not growing up, because if nothing else it was a completely juvenile thing to do. He's 28, he should know better, know himself better.

    I haven't gotten a chance to speak to him in the last 36 hours (with his work schedule and a hockey game...) but I just feel like I want to know why, I want to understand it, and it only seems like we'd be going in circles if I keep questioning him. Still I know I have every single right to be mad at him.

    Also, he did send me flowers with an "I'm sorry" card. But it just felt... tasteless after the previous night he'd said "Whatever apology you're looking for from me you probably won't get, I won't cry, I won't beg... Do you want me to send you flowers?" To which I just kind of scoffed it off.

    ...If anything all this alone time has be more focused on it than ever.

     
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