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    Old 02-05-2012, 03:27 AM   #16
    Scribbler128
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    Hi Scribbler

    How are you doing today?

    Have you been sleeping well? Have you been eating well? I know breakups can seriously affect your health and well-being, but the stronger you are, the less affected you are. So I would advise you to keep strengthening your body and your immunity system, so you are able to cope with your emotional pain better.
    Hi Pendulum, I'm feeling better today, thanks for asking. I'm not eating and exercising as well as I have been over the last few months but I'm allowed a few days/weeks off

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    As for this guy, at times it sounds like you have put him on a pedestal. I suppose you will find my words strange, but there they go: it would help if you forgive him. The point is you haven't done anything to him that would require a revenge from him. So I don't think the pain he inflicted upon you was voluntary. Simply put, he isn't even aware that he has caused you any pain. You might say that he is superficial/shallow or insensitive, but it is best to stop judging him completely, forgive him for he didn't know what he was doing, let him go and move on. I hope these words make sense to you.
    Your words make sense. And this is what I would advise myself. But when you're actually in the situation, and you've been led on, lied to and left for someone else and dumped via email following a hospital appointment, when I was booking tickets to see him at the party he organised for me...I'm not sure I can say he isn't aware. I'm still hurting now so I can't forgive him. Perhaps when the pain reduces or goes away one day.

    For now, I'm just trying to forget him and her. They didn't think about me for a second.

     
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    Old 02-05-2012, 10:01 AM   #17
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Today I spent a while going through and clearing my email inbox - I went as far back as a year ago. Read over the emails my ex and I exchanged. I'm pretty certain he was never in love with me properly. Mainly because of the distance, I think, how could it develop?

    I think I'm finally starting to accept that it's really over and he won't be coming back. It's been 5 months! I figured out that he's probably seeing the younger sister of a female friend, so he's probably more suited to her as well, in the same country, same group of friends.

    It feels much better to let go, there is a relief but I've really not felt like I was able to do it before. I still miss him, and there is a big whole in my heart, as gross as that may sound. And it hurts when I think about how he never felt that for me, never missed me. As he said in one of his emails to me over the last month, life is pretty good for him and things are going really, really well between him and his girlfriend. Knife to the heart. I know in my gut that he never missed me and wow what a feeling that is. But it's also liberating. Talk about conflicting feelings!

    I just can't believe I'm still not over him 5 months on. I really can't. If I knew I was going to be like this, I may have tried harder at getting him back when the break up happened. Perhaps even moved back to his home country. It's not often that I feel this way about someone.

    Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-05-2012 at 10:06 AM.

     
    Old 02-05-2012, 10:30 AM   #18
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    Re: Having a bad day

    I think the reason you aren't getting past this is twofold.

    First, you seem stuck in "if only". If only you'd been more open, maybe more loving, more expressive, more willing to do whatever, or if only you didn't do this or say that, he'd still be with you. But you don't really know that, do you?

    My ex also broke up with me for someone else. And I knew immediately it wasn't because of something I did or didn't do right. He just plain got struck by the lightning bolt. He saw this other woman and it was instant, he knew immediately that no matter what the state of his relationship with me was, this was the woman for him. She was the one he'd always wanted. And nothing I did or didn't do would change that. Perhaps it's like that with your ex and this new woman. Maybe he'd known her for a while and always liked her and the timing was finally right. Maybe he just met her and he felt an instant connection, an instant draw toward her, and she felt it back. It wouldn't matter how fantastic, how loving and open to love, or conversely, how restrained you were or how much you held back, or ANYTHING. He just feels it with this woman and he doesn't want to pass it up.

    The second point is kind of obvious-you can't go back and change the past! What happened, happened and thinking what if or if only won't change it! Maybe you think if you two are "friends" and you can act so friendly, so open, so supportive, maybe be affectionate and as loving as you dare, he'll realize what you two had or what you could have and he'll break up with the other woman and come back to you. But it sounds like he's happy with her (and I do understand that feels like a knife in the heart) and he isn't even thinking that if you "changed" or acted differently he'd want to come back. The past can't be changed, no matter how much you want it to, and nothing you do in the present or the future will change it.

    I think you need to get to the "acceptance" phase of grieving (and yes, you are grieving the end of the relationship) before you can move on. And the best way is to stop ALL contact and focus on you, instead of you and him or him and her.

    And I do have to say, thank God you didn't move to his country! Imagine what you'd be going through now if this happened after you'd moved. What in the world would you have done then??

    Best wishes for you to get past this, feel better, and move on positively with your life.

     
    Old 02-05-2012, 10:43 AM   #19
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    Re: Having a bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    If only you'd been more open, maybe more loving, more expressive, more willing to do whatever, or if only you didn't do this or say that, he'd still be with you. But you don't really know that, do you?
    Actually, going over the emails made me realise that I as open and I was loving. I had been beating myself up over this for a while but I don't think that any more. It was distance that killed us off in the end.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    My ex also broke up with me for someone else. And I knew immediately it wasn't because of something I did or didn't do right. He just plain got struck by the lightning bolt. He saw this other woman and it was instant, he knew immediately that no matter what the state of his relationship with me was, this was the woman for him. She was the one he'd always wanted. And nothing I did or didn't do would change that. Perhaps it's like that with your ex and this new woman. Maybe he'd known her for a while and always liked her and the timing was finally right. Maybe he just met her and he felt an instant connection, an instant draw toward her, and she felt it back. It wouldn't matter how fantastic, how loving and open to love, or conversely, how restrained you were or how much you held back, or ANYTHING. He just feels it with this woman and he doesn't want to pass it up.
    I'm not so sure. I know he had that instant attraction with me. He said when he saw me across the room for the first time, he felt like he'd been hit by a lorry. And he never left my side since that moment, even booking flights to my country every two weeks for two months despite us only knowing each other for a couple months.

    My gut is that this girl was convenient and it worked out well. He often jumps from one relationship to the next, he's barely been single in the last ten years. I know he's like my friend, who goes from girl to girl, to not feel lonely or sad. Of course, I can't know for sure. But I highly doubt it's how he felt about me in the beginning. Besides, it doesn't mean much anyway, look what happened to us! I really believe it was the issue of distance for us and he just found someone else as the relationship was coming to an end anyway.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    The second point is kind of obvious-you can't go back and change the past! ...The past can't be changed, no matter how much you want it to, and nothing you do in the present or the future will change it.
    I agree, of course, the past can't be changed. There was a part of me that thought, give it time, he might come back. He often used to go back to exs. But now that I have given it time, five months, and nothing. No idea why I thought that but I suppose it's a natural feeling when you still love your ex. Getting back together with an ex is difficult enough when you're living in the same country. Being in different countries, well, that was always going to make it impossible along with the other stuff.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    I think you need to get to the "acceptance" phase of grieving (and yes, you are grieving the end of the relationship) before you can move on. And the best way is to stop ALL contact and focus on you, instead of you and him or him and her.
    Sounds so easy but as you know it's not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    And I do have to say, thank God you didn't move to his country! Imagine what you'd be going through now if this happened after you'd moved. What in the world would you have done then??
    As it happens, I'm looking for jobs to move back to that country. Before, I felt it was impossible and I stopped looking. But I applied to one last week that I have a good chance at getting. If I do get it, I will move back. I love it there. But I won't see him, he's moved on and made it clear that he's happy without me.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
    Best wishes for you to get past this, feel better, and move on positively with your life.
    Thank you for your kind words

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 04:33 AM   #20
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    Another bad day

    So work is going ok, my training for the half marathon is coming along really good and I'm meeting up with friends as much as possible. I'm planning travels with a group of friends for the summer so there should be a lot to look forward to. Yet I find myself sad and feeling worthless. Work isn't going as well as it should be going. I've been offered work in another country where I really want to be but there have been work permit issues. I find myself not very interested in most things including meeting up with friends. The only thing I enjoy doing, really, is running. I'm trying with everything but I don't feel like I'm getting far. I just want a break from feeling this way.

    I still miss my ex all the time. I suppose he's going to be one of these people who I'll always miss? I've accepted it's over, I've accepted he wasn't the one for me. And it still hurts so much. How he's pretty much cut me off and not asked me how I was or made any effort to contact me in the last 6 months other than to reply (reluctantly, I believe) to me. The contact has stopped now. It's almost been half a year and when I look back and reflect (although I'm keeping really busy to avoid thinking about it too much), it still feels like I've been punched in the gut. Time has not been my friend, in fact, it hasn't helped at all. As more time passes, the more I hurt, the more I miss and the more I dislike my life despite how much I am trying to change things.

    Just reaching out for some positivity because I don't have any of it right now.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 04:56 AM   #21
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    Re: Another bad day

    Honestly, I think you need to look for some professional or medical help. I am a bit concerned about your feelings and I don't think you can do this by yourself anymore. Your depression is real and it is time to seek help for it. Good luck!
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    Old 02-16-2012, 04:57 AM   #22
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
    So work is going ok, my training for the half marathon is coming along really good and I'm meeting up with friends as much as possible. I'm planning travels with a group of friends for the summer so there should be a lot to look forward to. Yet I find myself sad and feeling worthless. Work isn't going as well as it should be going. I've been offered work in another country where I really want to be but there have been work permit issues. I find myself not very interested in most things including meeting up with friends. The only thing I enjoy doing, really, is running. I'm trying with everything but I don't feel like I'm getting far. I just want a break from feeling this way.

    I still miss my ex all the time. I suppose he's going to be one of these people who I'll always miss? I've accepted it's over, I've accepted he wasn't the one for me. And it still hurts so much. How he's pretty much cut me off and not asked me how I was or made any effort to contact me in the last 6 months other than to reply (reluctantly, I believe) to me. The contact has stopped now. It's almost been half a year and when I look back and reflect (although I'm keeping really busy to avoid thinking about it too much), it still feels like I've been punched in the gut. Time has not been my friend, in fact, it hasn't helped at all. As more time passes, the more I hurt, the more I miss and the more I dislike my life despite how much I am trying to change things.

    Just reaching out for some positivity because I don't have any of it right now.
    As you know, English is not my first language, so I am not sure if I am using the right expression to describe "where" you seem to be now:

    To be in a rut.

    That is the bad news, sorry.

    The good news is that you (and probably you alone) can change it.

    There are many possibilities:

    1. You can enter therapy, supportive therapy rather than psychoanalysis...

    2. You can start a new and healthier diet, choosing foods that best agree with you and will bring you up. You don't know how powerful foods can be? Even depression can be triggered by a lack of protein. I am not saying that eating the "right" foods will set you free from all your emotional problems, but it can sure help you change your body (if needed) and make you feel better and stronger to cope with them.

    3. You can find new challenges in your life. For instance, you will start taking lessons in archery or Mandarin or Esperanto or Hebrew Cosmology (the Kabbalah) or Graphology or kilt making ... whatever: some subject that you are minimally curious about, you don't need to learn it to improve your career or to make more money, just to discover a different world of things that will help your mind and body to move away from the things (feelings and thoughts) that are making you stuck in a rut.

    I just offered three, but other members will certainly come up with more.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 05:41 AM   #23
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
    Your depression is real and it is time to seek help for it. Good luck!
    Thanks, I have.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 05:48 AM   #24
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    As you know, English is not my first language, so I am not sure if I am using the right expression to describe "where" you seem to be now:

    To be in a rut.

    That is the bad news, sorry.

    The good news is that you (and probably you alone) can change it.
    You've offered many great tips, thanks. Most of these, I'm already doing. And you're right - I am certainly stuck in a rut. I'm looking to move back to the city to be closer to friends and work. That should be the big change I need but I don't like the city. I'm even thinking of moving abroad, that also could work.

    Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-16-2012 at 05:50 AM.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 05:59 AM   #25
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
    You've offered many great tips, thanks. Most of these, I'm already doing. And you're right - I am certainly stuck in a rut. I'm looking to move back to the city to be closer to friends and work. That should be the big change I need but I don't like the city. I'm even thinking of moving abroad, that also could work.

    Having been there Scribbler - someone who loved deeply about cut me out of their life completely, due to mutual problems - I can assure you it DOES get better - but it never completely goes away and it takes A LONG time.

    I thought daily about this guy for nearly a year and a half after he last willingly spoke to me, and daily, it'd be like that wrench in the gut, even though I did get out and date other people and keep myself busy. That stuff helped, but it won't take the pain away from you - they just distract you until it starts fading on its own.

    Eventually, I realized that I had gone about 4-5 days without a major BROKEN-HEARTED thought entering my heart. Of course, having the concept re-enter my mind brought with it a stab of sadness, but I also realized that I had moved on somewhat, and that, in and of itself, helped somewhat. I still feel myself tense up when his name comes up in conversation with mutual friends, and the sadness rears its head when I see pics of him come up on ******** and I see him doing things we loved doing together with other people, but I let myself cry it out, then deliberately re-focus and go do something totally unrelated to him.

    The thing to remember is that grief is cyclical, especially the unresolved type. At first, it overwhelms you and you can't see past it. Then eventually, it will fade away into the background for awhile. Eventually, something will stir it up, usually not as badly as before, but you can't live in fear of those moments, because you already survived the previous one.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 06:14 AM   #26
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    Re: Another bad day

    Thank you so much for your reply, Linnia. I don't have any friends in real life who I can speak to, certainly nobody who has gone through the same as me so it is very refreshing and reassuring to hear from you.

    Why did he cut you out completely? How long has it been since the break up? Did you seek any help, like counselling/therapy?

    I've been heart broken before, and I always got through it ok. I know the post break up feelings and stages, I know exactly what to do to get over someone. I've read enough books and I've been through the motions on more than one occasion.

    I've had longer relationships, where I was more in love yet this break up has taken it's toll and is taking a while for me to get over. It doesn't help that other things in my life aren't going well as I'd like but ultimately how I'm feeling does come down to how my ex treated me and the awful break up.

    I've tried to be friends with him since, to avoid the awkward silence, to resolve feelings and to rid myself of any bad feelings. But he's never apologised properly and hasn't even shown any regret. He's made it clear that he's very happy, especially with the girl he left me for. I know I can't validate myself by looking to him. He simply does not care. People can be so cold.

    You're right, it helps now that I know it's over, that I sometimes can go through a whole day without thinking about him and becoming very sad. I know, eventually with time, it will get better but it seems like it's taking forever.

    I'm also worried that he has totally destroyed my ability to trust any man. How can I? His deceit has broken me. I can't believe how deceitful some people can be.

    Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-16-2012 at 06:15 AM.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 06:28 AM   #27
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    Re: Another bad day

    You shouldn't let what he did make you stop trusting all guys. He is not all guys, he is one guy who happens to be a jerk. There are a ton of guys out there who are nothing like him, thankfully, so you should not be punishing them for what he did to you. I mean, Ted Bundy the serial killer was a guy and he did horrible horrible things but does that mean all men are insane murderers? No, it means that guy was an insane murderer but there are plenty of other guys out there who are not. You simply can't go around assigning blame to everyone for what one person did to you. This isn't grade school where the teacher punishes the class for when one lousy kid acts up, this is real life where every new person in your life is a potential adventure. Instead of being so afraid of it, see where it goes and if it goes bad again then you know it's that guy's problem not yours because you aren't the one who acted like an idiot in the relationship, HE did.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 06:39 AM   #28
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    You shouldn't let what he did make you stop trusting all guys. He is not all guys, he is one guy who happens to be a jerk. There are a ton of guys out there who are nothing like him, thankfully, so you should not be punishing them for what he did to you. I mean, Ted Bundy the serial killer was a guy and he did horrible horrible things but does that mean all men are insane murderers? No, it means that guy was an insane murderer but there are plenty of other guys out there who are not. You simply can't go around assigning blame to everyone for what one person did to you. This isn't grade school where the teacher punishes the class for when one lousy kid acts up, this is real life where every new person in your life is a potential adventure. Instead of being so afraid of it, see where it goes and if it goes bad again then you know it's that guy's problem not yours because you aren't the one who acted like an idiot in the relationship, HE did.
    I was single for many years before I met my ex because I was afraid of men. But he persuaded me to give him a try. I actually thought he was different I trusted him. And look what happened. I can't even trust my own judgement anymore. I'll probably be alone for a few more years, probably even longer.

    Sometimes I don't blame him for the break up. He met someone else he liked better and this person happened to live in the same city as him. So he did what was best for him. And as he says, he's very happy, and things are going really, really well with the new girl. No regrets. I often criticise him for leading me on, for telling me he loved me and organising a party for me...only to dump me a few days later by email and to get together with that girl at the partyonly 10 days after our break up (he was keen and couldn't wait, it seems). But he did what was right for him. It just hurts me more than I can explain. Was he a jerk? I'm not sure. He didn't like me and doesn't want to know me. Does that make him a jerk or just someone happier without me?

    I'd rather not put myself in that position of having my heart ripped out again. And it's happened a few times in the past, what's not to say it won't happen again? I'd rather be scared and keep away from men. Yes, there are men who wouldn't do that to me but how am I to know? I'd much rather not put myself through all of that again.

    Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-16-2012 at 06:47 AM.

     
    Old 02-16-2012, 10:29 AM   #29
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
    Thank you so much for your reply, Linnia. I don't have any friends in real life who I can speak to, certainly nobody who has gone through the same as me so it is very refreshing and reassuring to hear from you.

    Why did he cut you out completely? How long has it been since the break up? Did you seek any help, like counselling/therapy?
    (Um... this is going to be long)


    I've been able to look at my loss somewhat philosophically now... but I'm glad that my past has helped you.

    What happened, I was extremely close friends with a boy ("M") who lived half-way across the country from me. We were friends through the latter half of high school - two and a half years - talking on the phone every day, trading emails all the time, going to visit each other and we were very similar in manner and interests - people thought we were siblings! There was some attraction, but he always had girlfriends and so, for a long time, I sort of wrote it off as something to be felt in the back of my mind, but not to be taken seriously.

    I watched him/helped him after two different relationships, and his reaction to those - he instantly turned against a girl the moment they broke up - would treat her like she was the worst person ever, turning all his friends against her and making fun of her. And since I was his best friend at the time, and didn't know these girls very well, I would always take his side and support him. (This bit is the important bit later)

    Eventually, for some reason, we both sort of cottoned onto the attraction we had for each other - I think it was a dirty joke one of us made, when we really had never crossed that line before, and we became a long-distance couple, with plans that he would come to my city for university in the fall.

    I'm not entirely sure when my doubts started creeping in (if I went and read through my diary from that point, I think I'd be able to pinpoint a date), but at that time, I was very insecure about asking for/about things directly (I grew up in a family environment where asking for what you wanted really didn't go over well) and I didn't understand a lot of M's behaviour at all at the time.

    Whenever I tried to fish compliments out of him, he would never compliment my looks or anything physical - he would always say "I love your mind" or "I love that you're so smart".So on one hand, I thought that either he found me ugly and didn't want to say so, or that he was completely delusional, because how could he miss [obvious flaw this] and [obvious flaw that]?.

    And when we were having sex and stuff, I had a really hard time teaching him what I wanted him to do - not only did I have trouble asking for stuff directly, but when I actually managed to do so, or try to fix something he was doing, because he was hurting me (he was...ah... a big fellow), he would completely break down crying about how he was a complete failure and how sorry he was, so I'd end up in the awkward position of being both sexually frustrated and having to comfort him at the same time, which combined with the appeared lack of reality, really killed a lot of sexual attraction I had for him.

    I was also frustrated by the fact that he treated me like just a friend when his other female friends were around, because a lot of them had crushes on him and he didn't want to hurt their feelings or make them uncomfortable. He would also refuse to treat me as a sexual object. I know, from a feminist point of view, this sounds great, but it actually kind of sucked. Respectful, non-objectifying sex + crying sex. Just... no. no. no.

    I know I should have been more directly communicative, but it was a huge psychological hang-up of mine (I grew up in a very poor family and "asking for things" whether they be actual things or even behaviour changes, was usually met with either derision or flat out dismissal) and was not something I really could have solved at that point in time.


    And since I was having a lot of trouble being direct, since this was all bugging me a lot, I would ask questions like "Do you think there's something wrong?" and "Are you happy?", in an effort to try and bring about a conversation to solve the problems. But M would look at me blissfully and be like "Everything's completely perfect! I wouldn't change anything!" or "You're completely perfect just the way you are!"

    And then I'd be left wondering if I was completely crazy for having unhappy feelings and doubts - because how could I be so unhappy when he apparently completely over the moon about everything? I could only assume something must have been wrong with me, or he was so lost in dreamland that he couldn't be trusted.

    I ended up feeling like the whole thing had been a mistake to become a couple - but I was absolutely TERRIFIED of breaking up with him, because I cared about him so much, and because I had SEEN how he had treated his last couple girlfriends. At the same time, I wished desperately that we had never become a couple, because I loved him so much, despite my frustration, and I didn't know what to do and if we had stayed friends, things would have been so much simpler.

    By this point, I realized what he was doing - the reason he was so blissed out is because he would put any girl he was dating on a pedestal - she was perfect and could do no wrong in his eyes - - but the minute the girl started chafing under that, or started pulling away from him, he would take it as a complete betrayal, because LE GASP, his goddess was actually a human who took dumps like any other human. He still thought I was awesome, but I was rather disillusioned by his lack of realism (I had been comparing notes with his ex girlfriends).

    And unfortunately, M is the type of person where he is the truest of friends to his friends (they can do no wrong, you understand?), but if you're his enemy, holy s***, you're not worth touching the soil he walks on and he'd make sure you knew it.

    Also, at this point, a different man came into the picture, A. A was in one of my first university classes, and he was smart, sexy, confident and funny-as-hell, and later on, from the way he watched me, I could tell he thought I was attractive. I took one look at him, thought "Oh man, he's trouble" and vowed to stay away, because I already had a boyfriend.

    But alas, I ended up sitting next to A for the next four months of the term, and I fell in love with him pretty fast, which put me in even more of a bind - how could I love two people? what the hell was I supposed to do? If I broke up with M, he'd never speak to me again. But A was RIGHT THERE, and oh man, was he a dish compared to M, especially since me and M were spiraling into Angst-Ville (not entirely M's fault either). I basically spent those four months desperately trying to keep my heart away from A and trying to keep the relationship I had with M off the rocks.

    It might have worked, but then Christmas break rolled around. M went home for a month, and most of my other friends went out of town too, so for an entire month, I was working full time, and was completely alone and totally out of my mind with depression and loneliness, because M would call every couple days to gush about how much fun he was having with his friends and family back home, while my family christmas was a disaster and I had nobody to hang out with and all of my co-workers were 15+ years older than me. M tried to be sympathetic, but would always bookend the sympathy with another story about how awesome his day was.

    I didn't have any contact with A through this time, until right about New Years, where he texted me out of the blue and asked how I was doing. He caught me at a bad time, and I basically unloaded onto him how utterly awful of a time I had been having and he was like "Oh man! You should have told me you were so lonely! Come on, let's go get Tim Horton's tomorrow and hang out and I'll make you feel better. "

    Boom. I was done for. * facepalm* Completely and utterly done for. A had won me with that call. However, since I didn't want to let on that I was having this sort of conflict about him, since he was a player in that conflict and I didn't want to get into a boy vs. boy over girl conflict, so I kept all this to myself.

    Unfortunately, it didn't mean any of the above problems had been solved. I still had a ton of issues, a relationship and as well as really deep feelings for M.

    A backed off for awhile, but I couldn't help but write in my diary about how conflicted I was feeling.

    Meanwhile, M wasn't stupid and could tell I was seesawing between him and A, and got suspicious that I was doing something that I shouldn't. At one point, he slept over and I went to leave for school. Some sort of spider sense started tingling and I went back up to my room, and found him reading through my diary. I flipped my s*** and we had a huge argument about the reading of the diary and my feelings, and I stomped out crying. I remember getting to school, sobbing my eyes out, and running into A in one of the labs. Seeing what a mess I was, he demanded to know what was going on. I didn't want to start sobbing in front of everybody, so we moved off to one of the court yards and I tried to wave it off (and I s*** you not, this is precisely how it went):

    Me: Oh... M and I just had some issues
    A: Why? You guys are really close, why would you fight?
    Me: It's not that big a deal.
    A: It must have been, if it caused you to be like this (he gestured to my face)
    Me: Well, yeah, we sort of were arguing....
    A: (expectantly) uh huh.....about what? Come on, Linnia, I know something big happened. What happened?
    Me: Oh, just about my feelings and stuff....
    A: (staring at me intently) your feelings about what...?
    Me: (squeaky voice) um, you.
    (A stares at me for a moment, looking completely surprised, then he suddenly throws his arms around me and kisses me)

    And it was awful and wonderful, and really quickly went downhill from there. Part of me was so mad at M for reading my diary, I almost felt justified in doing exactly what he suspected me of doing - but at the same time, I felt like the most horrible person in the world for enjoying the experience for its own sake - the first time I had felt sexually satisfied in MONTHS, if not years.

    I cheated on M, but was too scared to break up with him, and basically agonized endlessly over what to do and tore myself to pieces emotionally, because I felt so guilty and because I was so scared of what he'd do.

    M eventually found out about it, by reading through my email history, flipped out (I don't really blame him for being upset and angry), but even as I tried to apologize and make it up to him, he used a lot of my deepest fears and wounds against me. I can understand lashing out from pain, but he called me everything from a worthless ***** to "being too fucked up by your mother's death to ever be capable of being loved by anyone", etc. Really nasty stuff, including hitting me and sending me MSN messenger IM's about raping me.

    and then suddenly, he wanted to make it all better and take me back and he'd forgive me and what not.

    At this point, I was so messed up and traumatized that I didn't want to go back to him at that point, and said so. To say I was deeply torn was an understatement, and we were both in really bad places. Eventually, I'm not sure how, we came to an agreement that we wouldn't talk for 4 months, until the next semester came around, and we'd try to rebuild things then.

    However, along with my huge amount of emotional turmoil, I also had huge abandonment issues, and would send him emails begging to talk to him, and trying to repair things. He wouldn't reply, and eventually was just like "I don't want you in my life ever again."

    And that was pretty much the end of it. A lot of our mutual friends took his side of things, because I felt too guilty to tell them about how out and out abusive his reactions were, as well as how violated I had felt about him reading my diary, as well as the other grievances I had with him, and it stuck around for a long time, because anger, guilt and grief are never a pretty combination. :/

    I know what I did was wrong, and I regret hurting him more than anyone can understand, but at the same time, while I know how things should have been done, I also know that at that time in my life, I wouldn't have had the emotional fortitude to do things differently. I just simply didn't know how and I couldn't see a simple way out. I really couldn't.

    I wish so desperately that I could start anew with him on a new square of life - not forgetting what happened, but forgiving and learning from it - I would love to rebuild the friendship we had, because it was so special to me. But as far as he's made clear to me, it's all my fault and he wants nothing do to with me. :/ And while I would be OK starting from the middle and making things right, and I have forgiven a lot of it, I also realized that you can't have an equal relationship with someone who blames you for everything and won't admit that their actions contributed to things. :/

    It's been about five years since this all went down. tried a bit of counseling, but unfortunately, I know too much about psychology for counseling to really work on me. The counselor will start talking me through something and I'll recognize the method they're using, or I'll be able to predict the next question they're going to ask.

     
    Old 02-17-2012, 02:11 AM   #30
    Scribbler128
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    Re: Another bad day

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Linnia View Post
    I wish so desperately that I could start anew with him on a new square of life - not forgetting what happened, but forgiving and learning from it - I would love to rebuild the friendship we had, because it was so special to me. But as far as he's made clear to me, it's all my fault and he wants nothing do to with me. :/ And while I would be OK starting from the middle and making things right, and I have forgiven a lot of it, I also realized that you can't have an equal relationship with someone who blames you for everything and won't admit that their actions contributed to things. :/
    Thanks for sharing your story. You've come a long way, you're very strong. Have you been in a relationship since you broke up?

    I also wish that my ex would be friends with me. He'll agree that we're friends but we're not really. I don't feel particularly welcome even in the emails or calls I make. It feels like he's just being polite. It feels like he doesn't care if I'm there or not, even as just a friend. He's not sent me an email or picked up the phone to say hello or ask me how I am or what I've been up to. He replied to my messages but he would take a number of days to. He also didn't show any tact when telling me about how happy he is with his girlfriend. I'm still not sure how to deal with the hurt or the missing him part. I don't want him back. I just want us to be friends.

    He makes me feel like I've done something bad when I haven't. He's the one who left me for someone else days after telling me he loved me, days after flying to my country to be with me. Yeah, sure, I wasn't the best girlfriend but I was never bad.

    I just miss him so much, as a friend, I'd love to hear from him. I suppose, on some level, even on a friendly level, that it would show he cares. He simply doesn't.

     
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