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  • 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

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    Old 06-13-2012, 12:52 PM   #1
    cocoaxo716
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    3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    Hi all,

    I'm very confused here! I'll be 26 next month, and boyfriend is 26. We've been dating for 3 years and live together in our own place for 1 year already. His Father passed away a few weeks ago. The other day I asked him if he was happy in the relationship and he said, I guess yea. So I said you guess? And he said well you annoy me a lot and are always asking me questions and bothering me. I said ok... well I will try and stop that. He said, well I'm not sure if I'm in love with you, I don't think I am. He said I love you like I love my Mom and my brothers. He said, sometimes I try and make myself feel like I'm in love with you and hope that it comes but it doesn't. He was saying how in the beginning he felt in love but not anymore. Then he said he's not attracted to me all the time and he thinks it's because of my weight because I'm overweight. I currently lost 20 pounds and he knows that and said I look so much better, but he said sometimes he's not attracted to me and sometimes he is, and that he thinks I am annoying to him sometimes because it stems from him not being attracted to me and he just feels like telling me to go away.

    Anyway, then he said he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married at all in his whole life. I said to him, "just to me? or in general?" He said with anyone, not just you, I don't know if I believe in marriage. It's a waste of money. Then he was going on about how he doesn't know if he wants to have kids because life is hard as it is and he wants to take care of himself and not have to worry about other people. (selfish)

    He knows I want to get married and have children. He then says, You're such a weak person, I'm telling you I don't like you but you still want to be with me. Why wouldn't you just walk away? But there's this girl that works at his job as a receptionist, and she's married. They've been texting each other since like January and he deletes the text messages. They also talked on the phone a few times from what I saw on his recent calls, but I'm sure he deletes that too. I asked him about her a few months ago and he said nothing was going on, he would never cheat on me, and that she's married and I'm immature for even thinking something is going on. The other day he got a message on ******** from her saying, "Sorry, my nephew stopped over and Joe was right next to me." (Joe is her husband). That sounds to me that he tried calling her and she couldn't take the call. But everytime I bring her up he says nothing is going on, there's no other girl, etc etc. I questioned her about it too like when I first saw the text message because I saw a text message in his drafts that was sent to: CVS MANAGER. (His job does plumbing for CVS). So I said to myself, why would he be texting a CVS manager? That's weird.. So I called the # privately and a girl answered so I hung up. I texted the number and she said "Ohhhhh this is Megan who works with him. NOTHING is going on. I am happily married. He was just texting me about Chinese food and how he didn't like this place he went to." But it's still sneaky that he put her number and put it under a different name and not her name in his phone.

    Then that night I left to go out and I started crying and he's like what's wrong? And I said well knowing that you don't know if you're in love with me, and marriage, etc. And he kissed me and said everything is fine, I love you. Then he said he would give it another year. And I said, well if everything is fine and going good with us I feel like you can just break up with me anytime. Then he said no no why would I break up with you if everything is going good?

    I'm just so confused. He also said he doesn't think we're meant to be and we'd be better off friends. But he said he thinks he feels like this because I annoy him because I'm constantly asking him questions and bothering him about things and he thinks that's why he feels like that. So I don't really know what to do here. We've never cheated on each other that I know of. (in his case). Then he was saying how he likes to be alone and wouldn't mind being single because he knows he could get girls. So I said to him, well I can get guys too if I wanted to. Then I saw that he added this girl that I went to High School with on his ********, and she is friends with his best friends girlfriend. But they never ever talked, and only met each other one time through the car window so. I don't know.

    So I said to myself, I'm just going to see how it goes. So since our talk which was a few days ago EVERYTHING has been perfect! No fighting, arguing, he initated sex with me, he told me he loves me multiple times. So I am SOOOO CONFUSEDDDD. And to add to all this, when his father passed away he had to fly to a different state for the funeral etc. Well I called him once night and he was really drunk and these were his exact words, "Thank you so much for being there for me. I love you so much. You're the only one who's ever there for me. I wanna marry you when I get back. I'm going to take care of you for the rest of your life like my Dad took care of my Mom." When I asked him about that when we had our talk, he said " I don't remember that, and not all of that is true. People don't think when they're drunk." But hello, doesn't the truth come out when you're drunk?

    So, what do you guys think I should do? Doesn't he sound confusing and like he's playing mind games with me?

     
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    Old 06-13-2012, 01:00 PM   #2
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    sounds like he would like to keep his options open and you're his safety net

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 01:06 PM   #3
    Chrissy26
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    Confused isn't the word. He sounds bipolar if you ask me. I'm not trying to be a smart a** either.

    He says you annoy him because you ask him a lot of things but maybe if he stopped sneaking around you wouldn't have to ask him anything. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel bad so you blame yourself if you guys ever break up or if he ever cheats on you. He wants you to stop questioning him so he can do what he wants behind your back. He wants you to think it's all in your head and that you're "immature" for even asking if he's cheating. It's a game that he's playing and he's playing it dirty.

    If he tells you he loves you and wants to marry you and then he tells you he was drunk and didn't mean everything he said, what's that tell you? He's very quick to tell you he don't love you in that way and that he loves you the way he loves his family. That's like saying he loves you as a family member, because he knows you and cares about you on a person level, not for a relationship.

    Do you really want to be with someone like this? Someone who's so indecisive of what he wants? And then he talks to this girl without you knowing? And it's possible she's being honest. She might be happily married, not interested in your boyfriend and maybe he just bothers her. And that may be why one day he's ok with you, because he's getting some attention from her on a friendship level, which makes him think he has a chance with her. And other days he's cold to you because she's cold to him and it upsets him. My opinion, he isn't worth all the "what if's" and the questions and everything else. You deserve a whole lot better.

    Also, he has an issue with you because of your weight? That's too bad. You lose weight for YOU, not for him or anyone else for that matter. You want to be with someone like that? Who's that judgmental? And what would happen if you got pregnant? He'd have something to say about your body changing. If he started acting like this after his father died then maybe that plays a part in his behavior. Why he's cold and then he's loving. Maybe he's afraid of committing because he knows he could lose you one day and he'd rather not deal with that. But if he's been this way before his father died then you know this is just how he is.

    He's beyond confused and I think you should let him go. Find someone who's going to treat you right and respect you and not play mind games.

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 06:01 PM   #4
    cocoaxo716
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    OK I HAVE AN UPDATE AND IM SHAKING AND UPSET RIGHT NOW. Well when he was in the shower I just went in his phone and in his messages there was 3 messages from her but I didn't see any from him to her. This is what she said:

    this sucks! you're still working

    well i'm assuming you're all cranky from a long day out in the rain. so i just wanted to send you a smile... I had a rough day. I wanted to chat, but I guess there's always tomorrow.



    I DIDN'T TELL HIM I JUST SAW THIS AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO SHE IS MARRIED!!

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 06:10 PM   #5
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    These messages are quite innocent, but because he is not being straight with you, it brings a whole new meaning. I believe he wants you to break up with him, so he can walk away with a "clear" conscience. It is up to you what you do next. Personally I would not want to be in the position of the clingy ex who can't let go. It is not a good look. I don't really think this friendship of his is of great significance, but I do believe that he does want out. Sera.

     
    Old 06-13-2012, 06:51 PM   #6
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    Honey, I think this is more than enough reason to walk out on him right now. I'm convinced they're seeing one another on the side. Yup, she's married but marriage never stopped anyone, unfortunately. You can play a little game. Pretend you're him and talk to her. See what you can get out of her. And then in the end you can let her know it's you and you're on to them and she can gladly have him, but be sure to say "the same way he's cheating on me with you, he'll cheat on you with some other girl." Leave her with that reality.

    As for him, you should let him go. He's not even worth the drama. It does sound like he's trying to get you to break up with him so he can say "well, you're the one who left me." Guys like him haven't grown up yet. Let HER deal with him.

     
    Old 06-14-2012, 12:47 PM   #7
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    Honestly, I don't mean to be rude but sometimes we (females) don't take what our partner says by face value, he obviously isn't into you and he's probably so fed up that you don't do anything that he's even started being emotionally abusive by telling you that you're overweight, etc. I was in a similar situation and it didn't end well, it took me months to get the courage to end it all but it was the best decision I've ever made, I'm not gonna say it isn't hard, believe me, it was VERY hard, but you just can't let someone drag you down that way, it took me months to regain my self-respect.

    good luck!

     
    Old 06-15-2012, 08:58 AM   #8
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    Re: 3 years, he's not sure if he's IN LOVE?!?!

    One thing that bothers me about what you posted is that he says he's not attracted to you because you are overweight and that's why he feels like you are bothering him. If it were Me on the receiveing end of that, I would kick a guy so hard to the curb he wouldn't be able to sit for a month! I have a friend who years ago was engaged to a guy who said he wouldnt marry her until she lost a lot of weight. I mean seriously? you either love someone warts and all or you don't, if your love is dependent on how they look then it's not real love IMO. FYI, that relationship did not work out.

    I think he's just stringing you along until he makes up his mind. Maybe his idea of "love" is the perfect physical woman who doesn't "pester" him. But to me that sounds like a superficial selfish **** who doesn't see you as a person but instead sees you as a thing that needs to live up to his wants and needs and he'll get back to you when he decides if he can put up with you or not. Don't sell yourself short, find a guy who treats you like a real person and not someone who doesn't quite live up to 'his' expectations.

     
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