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    Old 01-08-2014, 05:08 AM   #1
    Aiden44
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    Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Hello and thank you ahead of time for any comments and advice. I will appreciate any honest advice and am looking for an outside opinion and clear mind as the stress and over thinking is really getting to me and ruining me. Anyway, here it is:

    My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, and we have a very close relationship. We trust each other and are very much in love and invested in our relationship. I am concerned about my girlfriend's relationship with an old flame.. When I first started dating my girlfriend, I noticed there was this guy that would always call her. Whenever he would call, she would sigh and ignore his calls right in front of me, so it was obvious to me that she wasn't interested. She explained to me that he's a good friend from childhood that moved across country a couple years ago, and they were very close and even had a little "fling" over summer in high school one year. At the time, they both had feelings for each other. They went back to being just friends, as my girlfriend had a couple boyfriends before she met me. He called very often, to the point that he would call whenever I was with her. I told her it was starting to bother me, so she ended up answering and telling him that he needs to stop calling her. He did, as far as I know, because I didn't see him calling anymore.

    Anyway, much time had passed since then. My girlfriend and I moved in together this past August. To say the least, we were very up and down relationship-wise as we were getting accommodated to living with a significant other, which neither of us had done before, never even had roommates. Eventually, we became more comfortable being together 24/7 and smoothed out all the problems we were having. So, about two months after we moved in together, my girlfriend told me that this guy had called her that day and confessed that he still has feelings for her, saying she has always been his ideal girl, he wants to be with her, he loves her, blah blah blah. She told him that she loves him, but not the way she loves me and our relationship and that she would never give up what we have.

    I guess the guy saw this as an opportunity to try even harder to get her, because I saw him calling her time and time again after this incident. She would talk to him on the phone, as friends. She told me she felt bad not talking to him for so long when they were good friends for so long and "all he wanted to do was catch up", so they started talking a lot. My girlfriend talking to some guy who had feelings for her really was getting to me, but I knew it wasn't fair to her to make a big deal out of it when she only saw him as a friend and someone to chat with. I stayed quiet about it for a long time, until I found out he was flirting with her a lot as well. Eventually I got upset and told her that she better cut ties with him before something ends up happening...I ended up questioning motives, even though I knew she had no foul intentions.. She assured me that she would never ruin what she has with me, not for anything. She is not one to cheat, and I know this. The phone calls ended for now.

    A month or two later, he started calling a lot, AGAIN. She never talked to him on the phone, but he was still always calling again. I thought this was kind of fishy and found out that she started talking to him behind my back "so that I wouldn't get upset over it". I respected that she was thinking of my feelings, or maybe it was an excuse at the time.. I told her that this was not alright and that the secretiveness is not okay. I really began thinking that she might have feelings if she's talking to him, despite knowing how I feel about it. I questioned her, and she began distancing herself. I was pushing her away..this is when our relationship started going downhill. She began to believe I didn't trust her, when it was the guy I didn't trust. She didn't understand that, but then again, I didn't understand why she was talking to him to begin with. (Note I am not a jealous type..my girlfriend has several close guy friends that I have become acquainted with and trust, I do not mind her with them. A guy trying to get with my girlfriend, that is a different story).

    She continued talking to him behind my back, and would not give me any kind of reassurance when I asked what was going on, she would just roll her eyes at me. I began to think that I needed answers, so I researched...I know it was wrong, and I am upset with myself for it still, but I began to look at her phone. We fought, and she stopped talking to him for a while again. Some time later, yep, they started talking again. This time, it was much more often, and for longer periods of time, up to 2 or 3 hours every call. This is when I began to worry more, and even found a voicemail from him saying that he thinks it is horrible that she is in a relationship with me, someone who won't let her talk to him, and that he is so much better for her than me, etc etc. Great! So now I find out that she's been talking to him about our problems and is emotionally confined in this guy at this point as well.

    I told her that I knew what was going on and what it was doing to me and how I hated it, and she cried and cried at me. She assured me that she never meant to neglect my feelings, and that she would never let anything happen. We began to detest each other and starting fighting nearly every day, being angry at each other, showing hatred. I didn't know why this was happening but I knew it was my fault it had escalated like that. The talking continued behind my back, but less often (only when we would visit at our parents' houses/when I was at work), and the calls were maybe once or twice every other week for a couple hours. I started over thinking to myself a lot at this point. We fought more, and worse than before, and got to the point where we broke each other down and needed to be apart. And after being apart for some time, we both realized how much we are in love with each other, and that we would never give up what we have together. She made it clear to me that she wants to be with me for the long haul, and nothing would come in between our relationship, not even this guy.

    We moved back in together and our relationship has been better than ever, ever since. They are still talking behind my back..and I'm sure she knows I know it. But, I don't bring it up to her anymore because I would hate for us to start arguing again. I now know how invested she is in our relationship, so I left it be. I was beginning to notice that my girlfriend stopped acting strange and secretive, so I checked to see what was going on. I looked and there I see their texts. Again, him telling her that he loves her and wants to be with her. He asked her to give him a chance, and her reply was "I love you, but how do I know you and I will have this kind of relationship? How do I know you'll love me like that? You live across the country, I can't just wait for you. And despite how bad we can get, I am in love with him."
    ..I was not too sure how to feel about her reply.
    He told her that he is moving back to our town and wants to see her. She agreed, despite all the other times she denied his requests, and told him that she would like to see him and "go for lunch and spend the day together". Please understand, I do not trust this guy. I believe he is just trying to get some "closure" if you know what I'm saying.. I don't want him to be trying to make moves on her, I don't even want to think of what could happen.

    Lately, my girlfriend and I have been very smooth sailing. She has been very loving, nurturing, and sweet towards me these past couple months since we had made up. I hadn't looked at her phone since the previous time, up until a couple weeks ago...a conversation between them, him asking her when he's going to be able to see her and that he will be in town. I wouldn't dare bring it up to her and ruin our happiness.. I feel pathetic for looking at her phone like that, but I couldn't get answers any other way. Part of me feels very secure, knowing that she would not even think about ruining what we have, but there is also a part of me that is very worried about what could happen..I mean they are meeting up like that behind my back. I have not been in any kind of situation quite like this. This girl is the one I want to marry and I need this guy to get out of my relationship! I do not want my insecurities to ruin what love I have.
    Either everything is under control and I am over thinking myself to insanity, or something is up!!


    I need some honest advice from a 3rd person, please and thank you for reading my story. Bless

     
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    Old 01-08-2014, 07:07 AM   #2
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    This is absolutely NOT OK!! It is wrong for so many reasons.
    A relationship should have two people in it.
    YOU should be the number one to her, and I cannot believe that, if she loves you, she would be hanging on to this guy like this.
    For her to discuss you in ANY way with this man is an appalling betrayal, especially since you have told her repeatedly how hurt you are by this.
    You are not being unreasonable to hate this situation, and her continual attitude that it is somehow "your problem" is totally manipulative.
    Her motives: she has two guys competing for her and this feeds her. She does not love either of you IMO, she is entirely about her. Really, I know you love her, but do you see this improving? Why should she stop with her other boyfriend when she can have him and you too. I would not settle for this, and it will destroy you if you do. Sera

     
    Old 01-08-2014, 07:39 AM   #3
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Hi,

    I agree, there are three people in this relationship and three are a crowd.
    I also feel that she is not playing fair with you and if he does appear in town and they meet up then this will most likely be the end of her relationship with you.
    You have been very understanding and much too fair and it's now time to give her an ultimatum "You or Him" .
    If she doesn't agree to this then it's time for you to move on,

    Solofelix.

     
    Old 01-08-2014, 02:59 PM   #4
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    This is absolutely NOT OK!! It is wrong for so many reasons.
    A relationship should have two people in it.
    YOU should be the number one to her, and I cannot believe that, if she loves you, she would be hanging on to this guy like this.
    For her to discuss you in ANY way with this man is an appalling betrayal, especially since you have told her repeatedly how hurt you are by this.
    You are not being unreasonable to hate this situation, and her continual attitude that it is somehow "your problem" is totally manipulative.
    Her motives: she has two guys competing for her and this feeds her. She does not love either of you IMO, she is entirely about her. Really, I know you love her, but do you see this improving? Why should she stop with her other boyfriend when she can have him and you too. I would not settle for this, and it will destroy you if you do. Sera
    Thank you for the reply! I agree with your response, but here is the thing...
    If our relationship was still the way it was a couple of months ago, I would definitely be expecting our relationship to end with them reuniting. Ever since our last fight, where we talked about EVERYTHING, she hasn't contacted him at all. Only he tries contacting her, and she does not pick up. Also since then, she has been much more loving and nurturing and affectionate, more than she has been in the past. Our relationship has improved greatly, and her love for me is definitely real, I have no doubt about that, since she finally acted on this after realizing it was wrong, and she really did do something about it. She is going to lunch with him some time soon...but I know she would not cheat. She has too much invested in to our relationship, and she knows she would be out of our apartment if something happened, which is not what she wants.. She has made it clear to me since that I am her one and only and that is not going to change. She has assured me that she only sees him as a friend and simply wants to see him in person as she has not in years, and would not let him make a move.
    Opinions?

     
    Old 01-08-2014, 03:04 PM   #5
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by solofelix View Post
    Hi,

    I agree, there are three people in this relationship and three are a crowd.
    I also feel that she is not playing fair with you and if he does appear in town and they meet up then this will most likely be the end of her relationship with you.
    You have been very understanding and much too fair and it's now time to give her an ultimatum "You or Him" .
    If she doesn't agree to this then it's time for you to move on,

    Solofelix.
    I have asked for some what of an ultimatum before... something like, "What's going on, are you choosing him over me or something? Are you keeping options, is that it?"

    She explained to me that she does not want him! She simply wants to catch up and see how he has been holding up, they are going to go out for lunch... if it was dinner, I would be concerned. This is really the first time they have started talking again in a few years, so I can imagine that she misses talking to him when they used to be school buddies. I trust her and know she does not lie to me about her feelings for me. She is very showing of her love as of lately, and has been making sure I am happy.

     
    Old 01-08-2014, 03:23 PM   #6
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Beware of "showing her love as of lately" and "making sure you are happy". That's called CYA where I live. She SHOULD NOT be having lunch with him...or dinner...or dessert...which is where their relationship is headed. A previous poster got it right, so there's no point in my belaboring the OBVIOUS to a 3rd party.

    Just a thought...I never thought my husband of 15 years would cheat. WRONG. I hate to be lewd, but she should "close-her" mouth/stop talking to him before she can't "close-her" legs to him when he makes his move, and you're left in the cold. I've been there. I know this.

    Your relationship can be saved...if she completely ditches the old flame. Ultimatums work. Make her MAKE A CHOICE...no phone calls...no lunch...no sweet goodbyes for hours upon end. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. We reconciled our marriage and have now been together for 33 years. I promise you that my husband AIN'T HAVING conversations with other women...even at the drive-thru @ McDonalds. I don't play.

    Last edited by WhistleDixie; 01-08-2014 at 06:34 PM.

     
    Old 01-08-2014, 04:29 PM   #7
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Aiden, I totally get what you're saying. I think it's very possible that, at least on her part she just wants to be friends with him and in her very naive mind she believes its possible to just be friends with him. However, I'm like you, I don't trust this guy any farther than I could throw him. I strongly believe that he is up to no good because he has made it repeatedly clear to her that he wants to be her boyfriend again.

    So here's the big question: can she be trusted to not give in to any of his lame attempts at getting her back? I don't know her so I can't answer that. I do know many women, myself included who, when in a relationship with a great guy, the thought of anyone else (especially an ex) is repulsive and morally reprehensible. Is your girl one of us? I don't know. But my suggestion to you is that you sit her down for a come to Jesus meeting sometime soon before she has that lunch date with him. Without being accusatory and angry, start out by saying that you're really feeling positive about the changes that you have both made since getting back together. And that you would really like to see this new trend of openness and honesty to continue because it makes the relationship feel more solid and grounded when things are on the level. Then you can say that you realize the she has a past with this guy and you're not asking her for too much here, you would just like her to respect your feelings wJen it comes to her interactions with him. Ask her to put herself in your shoes for a minute and try to think of how she would feel if you were the one with an old flame who you talked to all the time and insisted on spending so much time on while she had to sit back and just deal with it. Tell her to think anout it honestly and ask her, if she were in your shoes, how would she see it play out. Because I think she needs to do that in order for her to understand where you're coming from.

    Again, this can't be an angry and accusatory conversation, it just needs to be matter of fact and working toward a mutually agreeable solution. I think for both of you, this talk needs to happen or else the resentment will start to build again on your side and its just going to fall apart again.

     
    Old 01-08-2014, 07:13 PM   #8
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Sounds like she likes the attention she's getting from two guys. You can find a girl to flirt with to let her have a taste of her own médicine (admittingly not a good idea) or talk it such that she has to pick as stated before. If she's doing it now she's most likely going to keep doing it, it's something that should of stopped long ago.

     
    Old 01-09-2014, 05:11 PM   #9
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    Aiden, I totally get what you're saying. I think it's very possible that, at least on her part she just wants to be friends with him and in her very naive mind she believes its possible to just be friends with him. However, I'm like you, I don't trust this guy any farther than I could throw him. I strongly believe that he is up to no good because he has made it repeatedly clear to her that he wants to be her boyfriend again.

    So here's the big question: can she be trusted to not give in to any of his lame attempts at getting her back? I don't know her so I can't answer that. I do know many women, myself included who, when in a relationship with a great guy, the thought of anyone else (especially an ex) is repulsive and morally reprehensible. Is your girl one of us? I don't know. But my suggestion to you is that you sit her down for a come to Jesus meeting sometime soon before she has that lunch date with him. Without being accusatory and angry, start out by saying that you're really feeling positive about the changes that you have both made since getting back together. And that you would really like to see this new trend of openness and honesty to continue because it makes the relationship feel more solid and grounded when things are on the level. Then you can say that you realize the she has a past with this guy and you're not asking her for too much here, you would just like her to respect your feelings wJen it comes to her interactions with him. Ask her to put herself in your shoes for a minute and try to think of how she would feel if you were the one with an old flame who you talked to all the time and insisted on spending so much time on while she had to sit back and just deal with it. Tell her to think anout it honestly and ask her, if she were in your shoes, how would she see it play out. Because I think she needs to do that in order for her to understand where you're coming from.

    Again, this can't be an angry and accusatory conversation, it just needs to be matter of fact and working toward a mutually agreeable solution. I think for both of you, this talk needs to happen or else the resentment will start to build again on your side and its just going to fall apart again.
    Thank you for the great advice. I talked to her today about it, and had a conversation similar to what you advised me. She told me that she is in control of the situation, and that she would not let him go through with making any moves.. She has no desire to end our relationship and would not do anything on her part to mess it up, she knows that we would be over if there was any cheating between us. She was hurt, though, when I brought it up, because she believes that I think she would give in to his attempts. This made her upset, but she still made it known that she has no foul intentions.
    Thoughts?

     
    Old 01-09-2014, 05:19 PM   #10
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by WhistleDixie View Post
    Beware of "showing her love as of lately" and "making sure you are happy". That's called CYA where I live. She SHOULD NOT be having lunch with him...or dinner...or dessert...which is where their relationship is headed. A previous poster got it right, so there's no point in my belaboring the OBVIOUS to a 3rd party.

    Just a thought...I never thought my husband of 15 years would cheat. WRONG. I hate to be lewd, but she should "close-her" mouth/stop talking to him before she can't "close-her" legs to him when he makes his move, and you're left in the cold. I've been there. I know this.

    Your relationship can be saved...if she completely ditches the old flame. Ultimatums work. Make her MAKE A CHOICE...no phone calls...no lunch...no sweet goodbyes for hours upon end. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. We reconciled our marriage and have now been together for 33 years. I promise you that my husband AIN'T HAVING conversations with other women...even at the drive-thru @ McDonalds. I don't play.
    I see what you are saying, but she has assured me that I have nothing to worry about. She trusts me and I trust her, despite this guy trying to get to her. She only sees him as a friend, though he doesn't. She has denied his attempts in the past and she told me today, that she is in control of herself and the situation, and she would not put our relationship on the line. She has never been one to lie, especially not to me. What do you think?

     
    Old 01-09-2014, 05:47 PM   #11
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    QUOTE: Just a thought...I never thought my husband of 15 years would cheat. WRONG. I hate to be lewd, but she should "close-her" mouth/stop talking to him before she can't "close-her" legs to him when he makes his move, and you're left in the cold. I've been there. I know this.

    Your relationship can be saved...if she completely ditches the old flame. Ultimatums work. Make her MAKE A CHOICE...no phone calls...no lunch...no sweet goodbyes for hours upon end. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. We reconciled our marriage and have now been together for 33 years. I promise you that my husband AIN'T HAVING conversations with other women...even at the drive-thru @ McDonalds. I don't play. QUOTE




    Aiden...No offense, but folks who know me know that if they ask me what I think, I'm going to tell them what I think...NOT NECESSARILY what they want to hear. My pastor says (and I agree) that a "committed (he means married) man or woman should not be "close friends" with a person of the opposite sex...ever. They should never have private conversations or meetings outside of a group setting. The temptation is there, when even 1 of the 2 has feelings.

    YOU ARE FOOLING YOURSELF by blindly trusting ANYONE. I don't want to hurt you with my words, but you reached out...I wouldn't give a rat's *** how "hurt" she was that you "brought it up". Read my previous post again, as I attempted to put it in quotes. It's pretty clear...painfully so.

    Do you think that I didn't fully trust the only man I'd ever loved or been intimate with? Yes, I'm old school and proud of it. I recognized friends in the "Ice Age" movies=) I met my husband while I was still in HS and he was already in college. We were exclusive for 4 years before we got engaged and married. I worshipped the ground he walked on and trusted him implicitly. I won't go into detail, but I believe it's in an earlier post of mine...maybe not.

    Let's just keep it simple by saying he BROKE my trust, not with "friends" but with absolute stranger(s). My gut told me (yours is telling you) something wasn't right, but I didn't listen. It went on for 2+ years right in front of me without me realizing. I think I knew, but knowing hurt too much. It was less painful to believe him when he told me my suspicions were absurd and I was "crazy". He'd never spoken that way to me before.

    Follow your heart, but take care...It shatters easily and rarely mends completely. I wish you the best. You seem like a really good guy. Your GF shouldn't be talking to this other guy, PERIOD.

    Last edited by WhistleDixie; 01-09-2014 at 05:49 PM.

     
    Old 01-09-2014, 06:28 PM   #12
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    She is being manipulative by making you feel bad about upsetting her. This is called deflection. She is doing it to "move you on" from the very legitimate concerns that you bring up. Like the others, I believe that she should not be doing this, and the behind-your-back elements are a HUGE red flag. Somebody who loves you would not behave like this. Stop making excuses for her and enabling her to continue in this immoral situation. It is no accident that wedding vows include "forsaking all others". If she wants a friendship with him, she must include you, otherwise it is not on.
    Call her bluff. If she doesn't choose you exclusively, you have your answer right there. Sera

     
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    Old 01-09-2014, 07:34 PM   #13
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Maybe the other ladies are right. I don't know your gf so I can't say one way or another whether she would cheat or not. Yes, I agree that she should quit insisting on carrying on a friendship with him that doesn't include you. If you can't all hang around and be friends with him together then it's probably not a good idea. But there's a chance that she will keep her word to you not to cheat on you. The point is, anything can happen.

    Perhaps her spending alone time with him isn't a good idea and well, maybe the proper thing would be for you to go with her for that lunch. If they're going to insist on being friends, you should get to know him too. Maybe you'll meet him and see why things didn't work out between them and you and her can laugh about him later. I don't know. Maybe if you guys present a united front in his face, he would back off. You never know.

     
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    Old 01-09-2014, 08:15 PM   #14
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    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    Hello I know how you feel i have been with my husband for 5 yrs married 2 and i found messages from and to an ex girlfriend and of course he denies eveything and turns it on to me saying they were a joke and she is just a friend and he wants nothing to do with her yet one message he asked her to send photos of herself tanning naked ! WOW made me sick he has had contact with her off and on for a couple of years she ilives far away but i dont trust either one to be honest u am very hurt since we always had a great relationship or so i thought we are still married but i dont know what the future hods because i just cant forget this issue i never thought he would do this to me ! Even though she lives far away she made comments liks she wants to just squeeze him then she states she wants to do more than just squeeze him but she cant seem to get close enough ! WHAT A B#### she knows we are married and yes my husand is wrong too ! I dont know what to think it is just sickening and hurtful ! I wish i has some advice but i am in the same boat so best of luck and to be honest i would not marry your girlfriend !

     
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    Old 01-10-2014, 05:32 PM   #15
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    Join Date: Feb 2013
    Location: United States
    Posts: 28
    kimtulip HB User
    Re: Girlfriend and old flame planning on meeting behind my back

    This is ridiculous.She is being very immature and I would just tell her the gig is up!It should be you that she cares about and your feelings not some jackass that is just trying to cause trouble.Tell her that you all are done until she gets him out of her life forever!
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    Kim D.

     
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