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    Old 02-10-2015, 05:17 PM   #1
    Arualyhprum
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    Exclamation Questioning getting married...

    I have been with this guy going on four years in March and we have been engaged a little over two years. We lived together for a year and a half but he eventually had to move because he couldn't find a job around where we were staying, so he moved up where his parents are so he could live rent free and find a job up there. He felt justified in doing so but I wasn't comfortable moving because I've always lived where we lived. Now he still lives up there-- two hours away from me (to me that is extremely far). He was hurt by it incredibly that I couldn't move up there with him while I'm going to school and his parents didn't understand it either. He has decided to think about doing something that would require us to live up there for quite a while (chicken houses) and I know that with that comes not as much leg room to travel to see family. I'm more family oriented than he is and he claims it doesn't bother him to be away from his home and family but he mentioned that he couldn't ever live down here where I'm from ever again.

    I'm not overly crazy about his parents: His mother is very unforgiving-- if you do something wrong she holds a grudge against you forever and if you do more than one thing she cuts you off.. and his dad is extremely selfish and has this intimidating "I'm gonna cuss you out if you don't agree with me" demeanor about him". Josh doesn't see what I see in them because I guess they're his parents. And when he applies for jobs his mother gets all up in his business all of the time wanting to know everything about everything and wants to sort of control where he applies at. She holds it against me that I'm not willing to move far for a job but I'm sorry, I cannot help the way that I am. It's okay for her to be hours away from her parents but it's not for me. She has gestured things towards me before and I can sort of tell by her body language around me that I'm not the ideal future daughter-n-law for her. I just get the feeling that since day one she has tried to find fault in me. She knew even before I decided not to move up there with him that I wouldn't ever be able to move long before it even came about because she asked me one time if I'd ever be willing to. She complained about the laundry basket to him saying that it had mold in it when we lived together but now that he lives up there at a place his dad lets him rent for free she doesn't say a word, because I guess everything is perfect but anything that has to do with me. She just has this unconditional, unforgiving, instigating, nose-wrinkling attitude about her all of the time. Oh, and she wants to help out money-wise with the wedding (which I'm assuming is because she thinks my mom and I won't make it look nice). She also paid for our engagement pictures and then wanted to pick where we had them taken and even went as far as wanting to help out with the outfits (she put it out there that I could just tell her to back off and let us pick the outfits-- which I did in a nice way). My parents have always kind of let me do my thing because I like my independence when it comes to certain things but I can see that she's a little more hovering and I do not like that. Could I talk to her about it? Probably not, because she wouldn't forgive me for it.

    Another thing is, he wants to have kids but I honestly am not certain that I want kids. Especially if we move up there, living near his parents and far away from mine. His mother even already has a name that she wants them to call her and has even mentioned how she plans on buying them everything they want and even fixing areas around the house so they can be safe.. like adding a wall in the living room... She's all about money-- has to have nice things and buy nice meals (expensive steaks)... that is not me. Family and unconditional love are what matters to me and considering the childhood she supposedly had, I don't understand why she turned out the way she did. I just don't really know if I want kids because if we lived up there they would keep me from coming to see my family and his parents would be all about being around them all of the time and I'm afraid it'll just be more trouble and stress on myself. I'm young and haven't even started a life yet making steady income.

    Despite how much I dislike his parents and how much I don't want to move, the problem is, I love him. He opens the door for me, goes to church and lives by it, listens to me, buys me dinner, we have a lot in common with what we like to talk about, we both love to go out to eat and do fun things all the time and enjoy it. No one has ever treated me as good as he has, despite what has happened.

    I'm not sure what the problem is but I just don't know if the big things would work with us, despite the small things being compatible. And I hate it because we talk everyday. He knows everything about me and we're extremely open and honest with each other (he even knows that I'm questioning marriage for all of these reasons). I'm afraid that I'll find a guy that'll want to live around here but will be everything he isn't (controlling, etc.). No matter what I choose there will be a reaction. I'm having issues deciding what suits me best for my own wishes because when it boils down to it, I'm making this decision for myself. Someone please help me help myself.

     
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    Old 02-11-2015, 05:27 AM   #2
    lenvegas
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    Hi, I think living with his parents has bad idea written all over it. In such a toxic environment you may develop not only a resentment towards his parents but a resentment against him for permitting such an atmosphere, not healthy for the relationship. I think it would be in your best interest to live with your parents and see him when you can until you two can find a better arrangement.

     
    Old 02-11-2015, 08:42 AM   #3
    Arualyhprum
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    Hi, I'm sorry I probably should have been a little more clear about that but he lives on his own in at a place his dad owns rent free is what I meant to say. He doesn't live with his parents. Sorry about that.

     
    Old 02-11-2015, 10:01 AM   #4
    52ken
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    I think you should consider marriage because of how he treats you. You are not marrying his parents. If he respects you and you respect him then do your best to accept the parents and what they offer too. I wish my in laws would have offered my wife and myself some help. We would have happily accepted it but we wouldn't change who we were. You do whatever makes you happy but don't throw away a relationship for something that may never happen.

     
    Old 02-11-2015, 07:41 PM   #5
    Arualyhprum
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    Thank you. I see what you're saying. My question overall is though, this long list of issues I've pointed out (although some might even question if there are any here), I just want to know when you constantly go in circles and get this weird feeling in your stomach once you start planning a wedding or even think of doing it and feel weird... is that normal? Most people seem to be excited and all about it when they want to marry someone. I mean he is such a good guy-- I haven't ever met anyone that is as good as he is. He genuinely tries to do good in life and be a good person to everyone around him and himself. Maybe something is missing that I just can't put my finger on. Maybe I'm just selfish and want to "have my cake and eat it too". I don't know.

     
    Old 02-12-2015, 02:09 AM   #6
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    I know this is old-fashioned, but that is the way I see it and I think it works well in most cases. When a woman marries, she should follow her husband. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but I can't think of any right now. So if you don't want to be there where your husband-to-be is, even if your reasons seem legit (you don't like his parents), that is a red flag for me. On the other hand, I find it unpleasant and immature for him to say he couldn't ever live down here where you are from ever again. Both of you are creating impasses (not to mention the kids thing), and to marry each other under such conditions might not lead to a happy end.

    Anyway, if you are still going to school (although you don't tell what kind of school it is), I should think you are too young to marry and you certainly should finish school and find a job before marriage. Don't get me wrong, but it looks like that you are putting the cart before the horses.

    Postponing marriage is not hesitating, it is doing the right thing, in my opinion. You are seldom totally sure of what you are doing when you marry someone, but it seems to me both of you guys have too many issues to consider marriage as the right step now.

    Last edited by pendulum; 02-12-2015 at 02:10 AM.

     
    Old 02-12-2015, 02:43 AM   #7
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    Don't get married while all these issues are on the table. They will definitely come back to bite you. Work out long-term plans about where you both will be happy living, figure out temporary compromises, and boundaries with parents, etc. tread carefully, listen to your gut instincts (which I think are telling you something) and don't be rushed into anything. Sera

     
    Old 02-12-2015, 04:29 AM   #8
    52ken
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    My wife says that if you have a lot of doubts not to marry.If you don't you will probably always wonder what life would have been if you had.Let's face it no matter what you do you will probably wonder if you made the right decision. To answer your question, it is normal to be scared and nervous when it comes to getting married. The other thing I believe that causes a lot of stress it planning a marriage. I went through that and when it was all over our marriage lasted 6 months. Then I met my current wife and we went to a justice of the peace and have been married over 37 great years. We all make mistakes however hopefully we can learn from them. First you should have love, respect for one another, be best friends and be able to compromise and also be able to talk. You will not always agree but be able to both give and take. Good luck in whatever you decide. Time goes by so fast and it is hard to find a good relationship and if you have it try not to let it go. Neither of you should make the other do what they would hate to do.

     
    Old 02-12-2015, 10:20 AM   #9
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    I wouldn't go thru with this.....
    his parents are controlling and he has learned to be controlling from them.
    He is already manipulating and controlling you by planning on getting a chicken ranch that means you will have to move by him, where you don't want to move.....
    this relationship is requiring too many compromises on your part.....
    please re-think things

     
    Old 02-12-2015, 05:46 PM   #10
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    Thank you all... These are very credible arguments to which I will give a great deal of thought on. Forgot to mention to the one that brought up school.. I'm in college.. in my mid 20s.. I just have ran back and forth in circles for quite a while on this whole issue. He has known from the start all of the issues that arise in my mind, even about his parents. It stresses him out when I mention it so I try not to even bring up his parents anymore. I wish I could confront them, especially his mom, but I guess I'm too wimpy.. I just hate confrontations and I just want to keep as much peace as I can. Like I said, we've been engaged for over two years and I didn't mention that the diamond I have was his mothers engagement ring. -- so as I'm sure you can imagine... Don't feel worthy to even wear it. He has said that since we have been in limbo for so long and indecisive about getting married that he's basically wanting an answer and real soon. He says that we shouldn't even be trying to make a decision. I agree. It's like I love him but certain things just would get me way out of my comfort zone like moving two hours away from my home and family. It's truly a long story and probably very boring to most. But I appreciate all the advice. When I think of all the memories we've had together-- we've been everywhere together and the nicknames we have for each other and the comfort we've developed around each other, it makes me sad. I just need to make a decision. And he's basically said also that if we don't get married that that will be it because he doesn't want to go through it again and it would create resentment towards me by his family. I will assume that there will be drama if I decide not to marry him. And he's said that if we end it that he'll have to limit how much he talks to me and we probably wouldn't really see each other anymore because he's two hours away. Ah, it just breaks my heart. I've never felt like I've been so stuck in my life.

     
    Old 02-14-2015, 10:59 AM   #11
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not really easy. Although it is not true to say that mothers always know better, I think that they do in many cases, especially if it's about a daughter. If I were in your shoes, I will take into consideration whatever your mother has to say about it all.

     
    Old 02-17-2015, 04:19 PM   #12
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    Re: Questioning getting married...

    Every relationship requires compromises, however, if those compromises are these massive red flags to who you are and your overall happiness then you should rethink getting married.

    Based on what you wrote, I would consider these points:
    1) How does your boyfriend handle his parents? Does he let them run his life and walk over him or does he standup to what he believes is right? Is he the type of person to stand up for your feelings and your well-being? If the answer is no, then you have your answer.

    From my experience, most people with controlling parents as you describe have their child so bent out of shape/seeking approval that they sacrifice their own well-being and that of their spouse. I've seen several relationships fail because of the parents and a lot of misery.

    2) Have you both sat down and discussed your overall life goals. It appears that you haven't done a deep dive into that discussion since there's conflicts with careers, children, and living situation.

    You have to hammer that out to have a healthy relationship. There's nothing worse than compromising on these important issues and resenting your partner for the rest of your life.

    3) Will this make you happy in the long run? Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness to be with this person? I can tell you now that his mother will never change. You have to accept them for who they are or be miserable. Granted she won't be around forever, but are you willing to wait till then to finally be happy?

    Good luck!
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