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  • Apologize or move on? Apology to BF daughter - Need Advise Please

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    Old 01-21-2016, 04:28 PM   #1
    jannett2016
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    Apologize or move on? Apology to BF daughter - Need Advise Please

    My bf and I have been together almost 3 years the next step was to move in together. He’s not talking to me and claiming its over because of an incident that happened at his daughter’s after wedding. It was late and everyone had left only people staying at the rental house remained which were a couple of the daughter’s friends and her mom (boyfriends ex) w/her family. I told my bf several times to stop drinking but one of the kids offered him vodka and then offered me some. He got drunk so did I. I wanted to leave, it was late & he didnt he wanted to stay talking to the daughter mom his ex (they’ve been separated for years) . I got upset & yelled at him we got into a huge fight he kicked me out of that house with everyone still inside. I was in tears asking him to please lets go & open the door. An hour later they told my bf we both had to leave. The next day we talked about the situation, we continued our relationship. The daughter found out about the incident & was not talking to my boyfriend for 2 months finally he went to see her (she lives 2 hrs away) and they cleared things up. I haven’t apologized I pretty much thought since he apologized then we are all fine…wrong! My boyfriend throws it at my face tht I should have apologized and I just feel so ashamedI don’t know what to say to her. Its been 3 months since this happened and daughter is now talking crap and negative things about me because she expects an apology and is now mad at her dad and not talking to him so my boyfriend is telling me that we need to break it off because his daughter comes first. That he loves me but he doesn’t see how it will work. He told me to send the letter & hope for a miracle. I don’t know if I should just walk away from the relationship. I feel his daughter has too much control and shouldn’t dictate to her dad who can see or not. I don’t know if I should write the apology letter and if I do I feel she’s still not going to forgive me and think im doing it because the dad told me too. I’m so stressed and I don’t want to lose him over this

     
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    Old 01-21-2016, 04:40 PM   #2
    sweetpotato13
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    Re: Apologize or move on? Apology to BF daughter-Need Advise Please

    Hi.
    I think that if it were me, and I was invested in the relationship I had with my boyfriend, and I knew that what I did was wrong, even if it was months ago, then I WOULD write an apology note. The fact that it doesn't feel right that your boyfriend's daughter has so much control over him is not the issue right now. The issue is, in my opinion, that you behaved badly and you now have to choose between your boyfriend and your pride. If your boyfriend is worth it, just write the note. You don't have to beg,
    but just tell her you are sorry and that you hope the relationship can be repaired.
    Best wishes.

     
    Old 01-22-2016, 08:29 AM   #3
    ImagineIf
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    Re: Apologize or move on? Apology to BF daughter-Need Advise Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sweetpotato13 View Post
    Hi.
    I think that if it were me, and I was invested in the relationship I had with my boyfriend, and I knew that what I did was wrong, even if it was months ago, then I WOULD write an apology note. The fact that it doesn't feel right that your boyfriend's daughter has so much control over him is not the issue right now. The issue is, in my opinion, that you behaved badly and you now have to choose between your boyfriend and your pride. If your boyfriend is worth it, just write the note. You don't have to beg,
    but just tell her you are sorry and that you hope the relationship can be repaired.
    Best wishes.
    These were my thoughts too. I would also like to add a couple thoughts.

    I found out when I was young that I am not pleasant to be around when I drink too much, so I stopped drinking beyond a slight social buzz.

    My other thought is that if my boyfriend/girlfriend has children, it tends to be a tricky situation no matter their age. Perhaps that is another reason to abstain from too much alcohol when around them. It is easier to walk a tight-rope when we can walk in a straight line.

    No offense or judgment meant by either of my thoughts. I am just trying to share what I've learned so that others may not have to figure it out the hard way like I did.

     
    Old 01-22-2016, 08:35 AM   #4
    rosequartz
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    Re: Apologize or move on? Apology to BF daughter - Need Advise Please

    I'm not sure what you are expected to apologize FOR.....
    you wanted to leave, BF's child kept providing alcohol to you both.....
    BF threw you out of the house.....I believe he should be the one apologizing to YOU AND apologizing to his daughter......(if anyone needs to apologize).
    I'm not sure an apology is even necessisary....for what? for getting drunk?
    daughter was partially responsible for that happening!

     
    Old 01-22-2016, 09:13 AM   #5
    ImagineIf
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    Re: Apologize or move on? Apology to BF daughter - Need Advise Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    you wanted to leave,
    BF threw you out of the house...
    I agree that the boyfriend is equally responsible for the situation and it's outcome. He is allowed to spend as much time with his daughter as he wants, but because he brought you with him he should have left when you wanted to go.

    I would be careful how you communicate this to him though, as it may make the situation worse. You may want to look up how therapists suggest we speak about our feelings ("I" statements instead of "you statements" such as "I feel such and such" rather than "You should have such and such").

    To give you an idea of how I would approach this, here is how I can imagine saying it:

    "I am sorry about that situation. Alcohol was involved and it didn't help. I regret that there was a conflict. I do feel that if we had left when I had asked, this could have mostly been avoided. I understand that it is your daughter and you can spend as much time with her as you want, however I feel that when I am invited someplace with someone that I have the right to choose to leave when I need to."

    One thing I am thinking about, however, is that you were both intoxicated. Could it be the case that he didn't want to leave because one of you drove there? Maybe a better option next time would be to ask if you could go lay down in another room until one of you was sober enough to drive. I don't know the details, though.

     
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