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    Old 11-25-2003, 10:39 PM   #1
    noot
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    Should i date a man with CP?

    Hi
    I need some advice. I met a 43 yr. old man with mild CP(speech impairment and spastic) on the internet. I'm 33 yr. old writer doing character research(Not CP Related). Thats how we met. I don't have CP.
    We found out we have alot in common.We live 3-4 hours away from eachother. He's went on dates but never had a serious or long term relationship. He's been rejection alot because of his CP. I can tell he like my company but scared i might reject him because of his speech impairment and CP. I told him all that doesn't matter to me. He's very guided. I really like talking to him.i would like to get to know him more better. All this is new to me. I was wonder does anyone have any advice. Family and friends told me they could never date a person with CP. It's baggage. I want to get to know him to see what happens.Any advice.

     
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    Old 11-26-2003, 04:25 PM   #2
    IrishGypsy
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Hi Noot! I had written you a lengthy reply but lost it...I am married to a man with CP--Athetoid Spastic--pretty severe. Wonderful man!! I had so much good advice for you and am quite frustrated that the message got lost...but I would be willing to help you in your query. Give the guy a chance! Take a look at [removed]. We have been together for 5 years and married for 2...if you have specific questions, you can feel free to message me by private email as well at : [removed].
    Hugz!

    [removed]

    [removed] (removed)

    Last edited by moderator2; 11-26-2003 at 04:37 PM. Reason: Please carefully read and follow the board posting guidelines.

     
    Old 11-26-2003, 11:27 PM   #3
    noot
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Thanks IrishGypsy,
    Thanks for your advice. Get back with me with your long email. I think you can't give out email address.I read the post on friday or Saturday. He's starting to open up about his CP. I've also been doing research on CP. I hope i get a chance to meet face to face with him. He's worried about me reacting to his CP. I'm worried i might hurt him by asking dumb question. He's very guarded with people especially woman. I think he's friends put him on blind dates and he date women who have nothing in common with him.He's been and starting to settle. These woman only think of him as a platonic friend. He thinks i'm like the other females he's dealt with. I let him know i'm not like the other woman he's dealt with. It caught him off guard. I don't know where this relationship going but i would like to try and see. Another issue is spasticity. I can tell sex and itimacy is a issue for him. I don't see that much information on spasticity and sex.

     
    Old 11-28-2003, 07:03 AM   #4
    IrishGypsy
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Yeah I see that now..wasn't thinking when I posted our websites..was anxious to share and encourage you...thanks for responding. It sounds as though you are really in deep thought about all of this...I am not claiming to have all the answers but I know what my husband and I worked thru to make our relationship work. Because cerebral palsy ranges in severity and diagnosis--depending on the most prominent features exhibited--can vary as well, no two CP cases are exactly alike.
    I struggled with issues of "What if..." CP is NOT a disease but a condition and the CP itself doesn't progress like a disease does. But there are physiological and psycho-social issues that present and influence someone with CP. However, keep in mind---the same need for a nurturing, loving companionship is universal in us all. The desire to bond with another in a meaningful and fulfilling relationship is borne in us all. The same feelings and emotions, misgivings fears and doubts that are within human nature can be compounded and magnified in a person with a lifelong disability diagnosis. Especially when one has had failed relationships because of disability. Establishing a nurturing partnership is where it's at in any relationship.
    Intimacy issues--now there is a topic that is rearly appropriately broached when it comes to sex and disability. I have written extensively on the topic. Because of conditioning in former relationships with previous ablebodied partners comes into play here---most of that has to be unlearned and relearned depending on physical limitations. The idea is to establish your OWN intimacy based on what you both are willing to do and what can be done to the satisfaction and fulfillment of both partners. It is a delicate balance.
    This was a difficult issue to come to terms with and re-write the script for in my relationship with my husband--after I had been married for 20 years previously. SEEING THE HUMOR IN THE POTENTIAL BUMBLING AND FUMBLING WAS KEY IN THIS AREA OF OUR LIVES!
    But you are getting a bit ahead of yourself here, my dear. I know the intensity of internet messaging can be very detailed and intense. However, reality is another thing. and until you actually meet face to face--and enter the relationship realistically taking one step at a time over time--and if you don't see yourself as his answer to prayer and as his rescuer or have this overwhelming urge to 'fix' his (or your) shortcomings---if you can stay in the male female relationship without falling into a caregiver role and just enjoy each others friendship and companionship--then you have a good chance of building on a solid foundation.
    Well Noot...I must run...day after Thanksgiving and it is a recuperation day for me. Hubby and I rented some comedy videos and are gonna have morning coffee snuggled in bed and talking about yesterdays activities and family until we both feel like getting up...Hugs and have a grand day! I enjoy our dialogue..stay positive in all you do today. Be good to yourself!
    IG

     
    Old 11-30-2003, 09:49 PM   #5
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    As a 22 year old male with mild CP I can very much relate to the feelings of self doubt when it comes to dating and relationships.. As a result, I have missed out on a few oportunities to date while I was in college... Much of what you both described tends to always be at the back of my mind.. The issue that my date would consider my disability to be baggage is also a thought that I have struggled with for years.. (and even now) although I realize that this is pretty unrealistic since I have an independant lifestyle.. It's nice to know that even in this day in age, when appearace seems to be everything there are people who are willing give this thing a chance..

    About your question noot.. About spasticity and sex.. there is not much material out there that I know of. The problem is that with a disability like CP, no two cases will be exactly alike.. There is one book called "Real Crip Sex" by Robert Mauro.. Apparently it's pretty straight to the point. (you can do a google search for this title) I haven't bothered reading it since I hate to be part of some general classification. Some people can use different techiques, positions etc.. that others cannot.. much your knowlege in this area will be aquired with a great deal of experementation and patience.. When the time comes, be sure to comunicate this with your partner.. Tell him that you will figure things out together... I know that this can be another huge hurdle for him to overcome.. Particularly from an emotional standpoint.

    My question for you noot is how and when did you find out about his disability?
    I have always considered online encounters to be a tough deal because at some point you have to break the bubble and let the other person get the entire picture.. I don't like to leave anyone in lymbo and this is why I've had trouble joining the online dating scene.

    If you have any other comments or questions, do post them... Let's keep this thread alive.

    Last edited by GTS; 11-30-2003 at 10:04 PM.

     
    Old 12-04-2003, 03:42 PM   #6
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    I'm a 23yr old female w/ quad. CP. 5 years ago I would never thought I would meet someone...let alone get married. BUT I did. I met my husband on the internet as well. We have been together for 5 yrs & married for 2...& are very happy. We did split for a bit because of the stresses of everything, but at the end got back together. I love him w/ all of my heart & he would do anything for me. Just never judge a book by its cover, you might miss some pretty cool pages!

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 04:38 PM   #7
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    HI
    I am 36 years old,I have cp,I been married for about 11 years and have son that is 8.
    just have fun an do what you think is right!!!!
    vicent

     
    Old 12-19-2003, 11:00 AM   #8
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Hi there,

    I am 26 and have C.P. and my dating experiences have been little to none. I think that for me, my rejection from certain people caused a block in me and you stated that may be the case with this gentleman you met online. I think I find it impossible for any man to find me attractive. Continue to be patient as it seems you have been and he will continue to open up to you. As he continues to see that you care about him regardless of his disability, he will feel more comfortable and his self esteem [will be boosted as well.

     
    Old 12-19-2003, 11:57 AM   #9
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Joyful1, Heya! I'm sorry that you have had some bad expeirences at dating. Like you, I never thought that a man would find me attractive, but I am married now...& he finds me very attractive! So do not give up! There's someone out there for everyone!

    Last edited by LionKat; 12-19-2003 at 11:58 AM.

     
    Old 01-04-2004, 04:43 PM   #10
    musicmaker650
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by noot
    Thanks IrishGypsy,
    Thanks for your advice. Get back with me with your long email. I think you can't give out email address.I read the post on friday or Saturday. He's starting to open up about his CP. I've also been doing research on CP. I hope i get a chance to meet face to face with him. He's worried about me reacting to his CP. I'm worried i might hurt him by asking dumb question. He's very guarded with people especially woman. I think he's friends put him on blind dates and he date women who have nothing in common with him.He's been and starting to settle. These woman only think of him as a platonic friend. He thinks i'm like the other females he's dealt with. I let him know i'm not like the other woman he's dealt with. It caught him off guard. I don't know where this relationship going but i would like to try and see. Another issue is spasticity. I can tell sex and itimacy is a issue for him. I don't see that much information on spasticity and sex.
    Hi Noot,

    I encourage you to get to know this man. Sure there are issues you will need to address, but if you two "spark" and you give him a chance, we are an intelligent bunch of fellows, and sexy too. I am 53 and I have been married 3 times, all to able bodied women. The first marriage was at 20, second at 26, and the current with my beautiful wife Ella. We have been married for three years. Ella is 40. We have no children. I am a guitar player and I wear a diamond stud earring in my left ear. An 'ol Hippy Rocker for sure. I was born with Spastic Paraplegia CP. I walk using 2 canes, and I do own a wheelchair...

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 12:46 PM   #11
    joyful1
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by LionKat
    Joyful1, Heya! I'm sorry that you have had some bad expeirences at dating. Like you, I never thought that a man would find me attractive, but I am married now...& he finds me very attractive! So do not give up! There's someone out there for everyone!

    Thank you LionKat. I believe you are right and your words are encouraging.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 08:26 PM   #12
    noot
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    I found out about his CP before he told me.I was surprise to read he had mild CP and a speech impairment on the message board.It didn't bother me one bit. I see him but it's easy for me to say that because i haven't met him face to face.what he wants in a relationship is what got me interested in him.He's beliefs.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GTS
    As a 22 year old male with mild CP I can very much relate to the feelings of self doubt when it comes to dating and relationships.. As a result, I have missed out on a few oportunities to date while I was in college... Much of what you both described tends to always be at the back of my mind.. The issue that my date would consider my disability to be baggage is also a thought that I have struggled with for years.. (and even now) although I realize that this is pretty unrealistic since I have an independant lifestyle.. It's nice to know that even in this day in age, when appearace seems to be everything there are people who are willing give this thing a chance..

    About your question noot.. About spasticity and sex.. there is not much material out there that I know of. The problem is that with a disability like CP, no two cases will be exactly alike.. There is one book called "Real Crip Sex" by Robert Mauro.. Apparently it's pretty straight to the point. (you can do a google search for this title) I haven't bothered reading it since I hate to be part of some general classification. Some people can use different techiques, positions etc.. that others cannot.. much your knowlege in this area will be aquired with a great deal of experementation and patience.. When the time comes, be sure to comunicate this with your partner.. Tell him that you will figure things out together... I know that this can be another huge hurdle for him to overcome.. Particularly from an emotional standpoint.

    My question for you noot is how and when did you find out about his disability?
    I have always considered online encounters to be a tough deal because at some point you have to break the bubble and let the other person get the entire picture.. I don't like to leave anyone in lymbo and this is why I've had trouble joining the online dating scene.

    If you have any other comments or questions, do post them... Let's keep this thread alive.

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 08:56 PM   #13
    noot
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Lionkat,joyful1 & everyone who posted:
    Hey everyone.I would like to thank everyone who posted,help me and gave me advice about should i date a man with CP.I have an update.It's not good. Me and this guy stop talking this february 2004.I'm moving on but i can't get him off my mind(they say time is the answer).People don't understand how i could feel this way about him.I tell them remember the movie "sleepless in seattle" . What happen.I broke one of his rules.I started to show interest in him. I don't think he ever had a woman tell him he was sexy and presue him like i did.I told him his CP and speech impairment didn't bother me.He got scared and stop emailing me.Yes i'm hurt.I want to email him and tell him you can trust me.I'll lost him for sure if i did that. I have to let time run its course.He has to find out on his own i'm not like those other woman his family and friend set him out on date with.I learn alot from my online guy friend.I never thought a man who shared my belief in what a relationship should be would have CP and a speech impairment.I will never regret the time we shared.I hope down the road we can meet again.We only live 3 hours away from eachother.Thats the hard part.We never got a chance to meet face to face. He never thought his privacy rule would be broken by someone like me. I'm glad i did because now he knows a woman likes him & didn't care about his CP & speech impairment.Thanks everybody.I could use some more advice to make me feel better.
    Robyn

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 10:43 AM   #14
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Hi Roblyn,

    I think the guy blew his chance with a nice girl. If I can find a girl that loves me as much as he has then I would hold on to it like a starving man holding bread. You are the ideal girl for most men here on this board. I guess I am different from this dude you met online. I think it all comes down to confidence you can't have any relationship without having first confidence in yourself.

    The dude is a retard in my opinion. If he can't handle a girl and wants to remain loney then let him.

    I do also have a speech impairment but I see as a positve because people pay more attention when I do speak. I get around in a powerchair but it doesn't brother me.

    Kurt

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 01:17 PM   #15
    musicmaker650
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    Re: Should i date a man with CP?

    Don't let this bother you too much Robyn,

    you were willing to meet this guy and get to know him... When I was Internet dating, before I met my present wife, I preferred not to see a picture of the person I was corresponding too, but I did post a picture of me. I wanted to meet the person face to face, before I made my decision to get to know her. I went on 25 or so dates before I met my wife. I was stood up several times, but this is a chance everyone takes in dating. I was looking for that "spark" in the eye. I found that immediately when I met my wife! I was 50, Ella was 36. We've been married 4 years

     
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