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  • An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

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    Old 01-05-2004, 02:33 AM   #1
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    An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    Can you people please tell me what you would do in this situation!!??? I sooooooooooo need some advice!

    At the moment I am living overseas (France), with no family or friends around me, and so no one to really sit down with and ask their advice.

    This is the situation.....

    I am married and have a little boy with my husband. My husband was previously in a relationship (that ended 7 years ago). In this relationship he has a girl aged 10 and a boy aged 14. My husband is also Australian (as I am) however his last partner was english. She lived in Australia with him, and after having their son, 4 years later decided that she did not want to live in Australia and so moved back to England with thier son (pretending that she was going back to the U.K for holidays). (Sorry this is a long story but I am trying to give the relevant facts in the shortest time). I met my husband 7 years after their spilt in Australia, however in four months time he was leaving for work to live in France. I took a wild chance in my life (another story for another day) and decided to move with him after only knowing him for 4 months. Anyway to cut to the current time - we ended up marrying and having our son. I had never met his two children before moving to France (and did not really have a chance to slowly develop a relationship with them - given that 1. Ours was a fairly quick relationship, 2. His children lived in England (so there was never any weekend visits etc).

    The history with his ex is that she has always been very manipulative and selfish (taking his son back to england), always causing problems with his last girlfriend. He has been pretty much naive in all of this, and as a result his past girlfriend (before me) had a very hard time dealing with alot of situations that his previous partner created which would cause anyone and any relationship unnecessary pain.

    ANYWAY.....I came to France with Michael with a totally open mind, aware that he had children but also feeling as though the ex should not be too much of a problem given that they had FULLY broken up 7 years ago. (After this woman left with the son, she dragged the relationship out, ands then fell pregnant with her daughter to my now husband - she did not want my husband, but did not want anyone else to have him).

    SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the first weekend we came to England to see his children (and for me to meet them the first time) his ex wanted to meet me. His ex asked my husband to bring me over to her house. I went, fully understanding that (if I was a mother) I would also want to meet the woman that my children would be spending time with. During this visit my husband was called outside with the Children and I was inside with the ex, and she made a several comments about her and Michael (things they had done, places they had travelled to together). I thought this was not appropriate, and felt a bit annoyed - but tried to not let it get to me. The next day, the ex wanted Michael to take her and the children to a football game (without me) my husband said that he would like the children to spend some time with me (the ex was not happy at all). I think she actually thought I should sit in some B&B room while she drove off with my man.

    Anyway, so instead she said to Michael that she would like to meet up with me for drinks and to just get to know me. Stating that it would make her feel reassured if she knew me a little better. Michael advised me not to go, saying she was devious and she would probably say alot of stuff that would hurt me. I went against what he said and gave her the benefit of the doubt, stating that I would hope a woman would do the same for me if I was in a similar situation. WELL SHE WAS DARN AWFUL TO ME!!!! Talking about how her and Michael met, how she thought they were going to be together forever...etc. etc (you get the picture). I held it together for the time we were together, but just fell apart once I was away from her. I felt so humilated, so trashed, so though I had taken on something and someone that was just going to be too much for me. When we were leaving she brought the children to the airport (which was totally fine by me) but then caught me when I was alone and said "I hope I did not offend you with any of the things I said, afterall, I AM GOING TO BE IN YOUR LIFE - FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" now had she said the children were going to be in my life for the rest of my life - I could have understood that comment - but "HER" being in my life - she was obviously giving me a message (to top off all the other awful messages she had given me that weekend).

    In short, any time that I have had contact with this woman, she has either ignored me (when we are picking up the children from the airport etc) never even saying hello or being polite etc, or come up with comments that would bother any woman when said about her husband. The last straw that broke the camel's back was when she was telephoning (my home) and would not even say hello to me when I would answer the phone (just instantly asked for Michael). So for once I thought, enough was enough, and told her that if she was going to call my HOME to at least be polite and if she could not be, then not to call!!

    ...........and that was the last time I have spoken to her (she was pretty peeved off with my comments when she called - but I felt as though at last I was standing up for myself a little). Prior to this I did not want to cause any major waves because I did not want the children hating me (because obviously they would not believe that their mother had done/was doing anything wrong). I also did not want to make things difficult for my husband as he was in the process of being able to spend more time with his children (which was not previously possible given he lived in Australia and our country was so far away from England).

    I feel so stuck, I am trying to do the right thing for the children, luckily for them they have a large network of family/love and don't want for much financially. I do want them to be happy because I know they must feel sad at times that their father is not around, however I feel that whenever their mother is involved it seems to be at the cost of my own dignity and self respect. And I have got to the point where I just don't want my husband, his children or past partners in my life!! I am sick of the stress!!


    At christmas time, we had the children down. We were opening the presents and there was a card attached to one (from the ex's mother - which the ex had glued onto a present). It read:

    "Is there any chance you could come over for ****'s birthday?You could stay with us and if money is short I could help with the fare. It would be lovely for *** as you may be far away by his next birthday. Ring us and lets talk".

    A few minutes after opening the presents the ex's mother called and asked whether we would be coming.

    Now, if Michael's ex had been decent to me from the start, I would have no problem with this situation, (sure being around ex's can be uncomfortable BUT I would have done it for the children!) However, I just felt as though the ex has been downright rude, nasty, and manipulated from day one. BUT what the heck do I do????? If I don't go, I will look like an awful monster (letting the child down), but if I do go I will feel totally awful all day (and even worse if I am staying there). The ex and I have now had words as sort (when she called and I said don't call if you can't be polite). So I feel as though I will be on her turf and at her mercy (if you know what I mean).

    I also don't think it is normal to stay at her mother's, and would feel uncomfortable doing so. I mean would people consider this a normal situation (staying at the mothers)?? Because I think it is a little warped. But given we do live internationally (France)- perhaps that is totally the normal thing to do.

    Also it made me mad that we were asked in the manner that we were - it really left us no way out (a note being read in front of both children). In a child's mind they would think if we had a place to stay and someone offering to pay for us to go - why would'nt we go unless of course we did not want to spend their birthday with them. Young children don't understand (and nor should they be expected to - the complexities of the adult world).

    So this invitation/blantant manipulation made me mad, for a couple of reasons.

    1. This sort of question should of been asked when the children were not directly in front of us.

    2. Calling up without giving us a chance to discuss what our plans were (again when the children were here).

    3. Giving us no avenue to decline e.g. saying we could stay with his ex's mother and that she would pay.

    I just feel like divorcing my husband (I am so sick of dealing with dramas!!!!). Sometimes I just wish I had never got myself into this situation!!

    (There are alot more awful stories that I could relay about what I have endured with this woman. Rest assured I am not some jealous woman who HATES anything to do with her partners past).

    So do any of you have any suggestions as to how I should handle this, without giving the ex any more room to make me uncomfortable and for me to retain some dignity and amongst all of this CONSIDER THE CHILDREN!!!

    Also, I would like to know if everyone else would find this difficult??? Or am I a just a pathetic woman!!!

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    Old 01-05-2004, 05:55 AM   #2
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    Re: An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    I think if I was in your situation I would allow my husband to bond with his kids. I would set my emotions to the side. I have older children and the time frame that you will be able to "bond" is very short so I would try and think of that.
    I am basing this on the fact that your husband has hardly had any time with his children. Maybe a couple of times a year?

    I would take myself out of it (not divorce) because my husband was in a similar situation with his own dad and now he carries a hateful burden, for life.
    Perhaps work on it slow and get used to the idea of how to work it out so you are OK?
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    Old 01-05-2004, 07:58 AM   #3
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    Re: An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    10 and 14 do not qualify as young children. They know exactly what's going on. I'm sure they know that their mother resents your existence. Exes can be terrible. I was previously married to a man with children from an ex, and she hated the fact that we were together, and she told him that almost every time they spoke. It was a sore spot for the duration of the marriage. In your case, though, it sounds as if your husband understands that his ex is manipulative, and it seems he is on your side. That should count for a lot. I would suggest that you avoid being alone with the ex. You can even be honest about why. Good luck.

    Old 01-05-2004, 08:21 AM   #4
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    Re: An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    I do not think you are being unreasonable at ALL!! It sounds like this woman enjoys making your life *hell*. Her issues are deep and well, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. Of course, when you married your husband you got him and all of his baggage. I do think it's a good idea for him to bond with his children, but not at your mental expense. I wouldn't really care what this woman thinks, let him go, and you can say you had prior engagements or something. I totally understand what you mean about being on her turf, I wouldn't want to subject myself to that either. Just try extra hard to not let her know she is making you suffer. People like that get their kicks from knowing they are getting to you. I would be fakely sweet to her when she calls, and act like she doesn't get to you at all.....I really think that would bother her more!!!

    Good luck with your choice, and with the situation!!

    Old 01-05-2004, 09:07 AM   #5
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    Re: An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    Myhusband's ex is scary and hates him so I chose before we got married to have nothing whatsoever to do with her. Not even a hello. He has to deal with her regarding their child, but I dont. She has said and done too many wierd things to make me even consider a cordial relationship. She is a nut, and said from the get go that he shouldnt have had the time to date, let alone get married. Shes moved in with 2 guys since they divorced, but hit the roof at the news that he was getting married. I felt that she would be too much for me to take on and left him to deal with her. Honestly, Ive considered leaving him when she pulls her crap on him. Our marriage has been in turmoil recently, and if it ends, his "baggage" will be something I gratefully will bid farewell to. I hate the drama. And in reality, I dont have to deal with her, but when she pulls crap on him, it obviously affects me.

    Old 01-05-2004, 09:18 AM   #6
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    Re: An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    she sounds like a right ***** to me.And i agree, your hubby does seem very naive, as men sometimes are(they do not posess our 'feminine intuition).Maybe he just wants to keep everyone happy so won't rock the boat, he probably just feels glad he can see his kids.

    I would go along, maybe the mum of the ex is not that bad, if she is ,why not stay in a hotel or somewhere instead?You, as the partner of the kid's dad have every right to be there, and don't think you have to make an effort with her, just cos you're on her territory. If she makes any more stupid comments, why not shake your head and smile to yourself or hubby, as if you are mildly amused but bored with what she has to say...make it look as if you are not a bit bothered by her.It will kill her more than any retort you might pass back at her, i can assure you!

    And one more thing...good on you for handling this in a dignified manner, putting the kid's needs first-this woman should be thankful, as he could have got with a woman who tried to stop him seeing his kids, it does happen.And remember, you have the upper hand here as it doesn't affect your life what she might say to you, but what you might have to say to her could do, especially as her kids might witness it.Good luck.

    Old 01-05-2004, 12:59 PM   #7
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    Re: An Ex from hell....and my life is hell!

    You didn't mention how your husband feels about all this and how he has handled this situation.

    I think you should be commended for being so sensitive to his kids' needs and clearly being very patient with all this. I think you should go to the child's birthday but if you will only be there for a day or two, make every effort to scrape enough money (if money is an issue) to pay for your own fare and hotel. Would you be ok with the idea of your husband going alone? He sounds trustworthy and maybe there is no need for you to go. Would he understand? Allowing her to pay for any part of the fare and staying with her or her mother (I wasn't clear on that) is not a good idea because it would only put you in an uncomfortable situation. If you stay at a hotel, you can go there for the party and not have to deal with the ex any other time. You can also take the children out away from the house to spend time with them. She does NOT have to be included in any of your activities aside from the birthday party, of course.

    I am currently dating someone who has an 8 year old daughter and the mother has already started causing problems for us. I'm the first woman my boyfriend has introduced to his daughter and the first serious relationship he's had in years. His ex on the other hand has had many men in and out of her daughter's life. Regardless, she has the nerve to tell my boyfriend that I shouldn't be sleeping over or spending so much time with him and his daughter because he's only known me for "what, a week?"... and that she doesn't like him bringing women in and out of her life. This is total B/S.... and double standard on her side. She is the one who should be watching the people she brings into her daughter's life not my boyfriend. I can already see that she will create issues in the future but at least my boyfriend doesn't put up with it.

    You should take your cue from your husband. I'm not really sure why you're so frustrated with him unless he's not handling the situation well. Talk to him and figure out a way you can work this out. She is being a b#@!tch, not him. My opinion is to let him go alone.

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