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    Old 03-15-2004, 10:26 AM   #1
    rosietee
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    Angry Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Just wanted to share and vent with you guys. I ended up going to a meeting last night with 15 minutes notice, so was a little late, but hubby decided I should go since ended up not going to mass because of the girls' naptimes. The meeting started at 6:30 and he called at 7:30 (meeting still in progress) to say he needed milk. Then he called at about 8:30 (I had lost track of time) yelling at me saying "where are you!" Now I must admit I was supposed to bring dinner home. But literally after the meeting (the first time I had gone to this one) people were running up to me to talk about recovery centers and there was a young girl that I was talking to for awhile too. I also admit I have no sense of time (I say ADD, but MD's disagree). Anyway! I told him I was at the meeting and he said "b*** s***, meetings don't last 2 hours!" and hung up on me and wouldn't answer the phone.

    Now, this is the man who always comes home from work late and I do get p**********. I tell him to just say he is coming home at midnight and I will be fine with that, but don't say you are coming home at 6 and then come home at 8:30! I know he just loses track of time, too, but I will decide, well I won't feed the girls yet, or I will do certain things with them until daddy gets home and then it doesn't happen.

    So maybe we just got a taste of each others' medicine. But everyone says put your sobriety first and everything else will come back first class. And if I need to talk to people about it (I wasn't just chatting about the weather!! I was having intense conversations about becoming clean!) then I should be able to.

    For anyone who listened, thank you.

    rosie

     
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    Old 03-15-2004, 10:51 AM   #2
    staceyy
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    rosie, sobriaty and a relationship are hard very hard that is why I refuse to be in one. I have a cat. It must be really hard with childeren but insted of fighting which is good for no one sit down and talk about what you both need may be he just dosen't understand that you need these meeting. wish there was somthing more I could say you are in my prayers
    Goddess Bless
    Stacey

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 11:42 AM   #3
    Mart7
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosietee
    Just wanted to share and vent with you guys. I ended up going to a meeting last night with 15 minutes notice, so was a little late, but hubby decided I should go since ended up not going to mass because of the girls' naptimes. The meeting started at 6:30 and he called at 7:30 (meeting still in progress) to say he needed milk. Then he called at about 8:30 (I had lost track of time) yelling at me saying "where are you!" Now I must admit I was supposed to bring dinner home. But literally after the meeting (the first time I had gone to this one) people were running up to me to talk about recovery centers and there was a young girl that I was talking to for awhile too. I also admit I have no sense of time (I say ADD, but MD's disagree). Anyway! I told him I was at the meeting and he said "b*** s***, meetings don't last 2 hours!" and hung up on me and wouldn't answer the phone.

    Now, this is the man who always comes home from work late and I do get p**********. I tell him to just say he is coming home at midnight and I will be fine with that, but don't say you are coming home at 6 and then come home at 8:30! I know he just loses track of time, too, but I will decide, well I won't feed the girls yet, or I will do certain things with them until daddy gets home and then it doesn't happen.

    So maybe we just got a taste of each others' medicine. But everyone says put your sobriety first and everything else will come back first class. And if I need to talk to people about it (I wasn't just chatting about the weather!! I was having intense conversations about becoming clean!) then I should be able to.

    For anyone who listened, thank you.

    rosie
    Rosie,
    I am so sorry that you went through that with your husband. I guess at this point the important thing to do is look at the "silver-lining" in all of this and the fact you attended a meeting and also provided support to others. From the spouse perspective; I can't even believe the stuff I hear coming out of my mouth sometimes -- saying things that I don't even know where the feelings/thoughts came from and then I feel so guilty after; because I know my husband is trying to deal with his addiction; yet all of a sudden I will start laying guilt trips on him and not even know why I am doing it! No real justification. Anyway, I just wanted to say congratulations on the wonderful meeting and I guess at this point all you can do is focus on you and what you need to do to help yourself -- because in the end you are helping your entire family. I have so much respect for your commitment and compassion.
    -MJ

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 12:21 PM   #4
    Hope12
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Rosie,
    I think I had that exact converstaion years ago when I was attending NA meetings for the first time with a now ex of mine-he thought you go to the meeting, it ends an hour later, and that was it.I found that AFTER the meetings were the times to really bond with other members and share stories a little bit more in-depth and exchange phone numbers to start building up a support network.Actually, a lot of us would go out for coffee afterwards and end up talking into the wee hours of the morning.It can be frustrating for both sides, the recovering addict ,and as Mart knows, the spouse or significant other as well.Your sobriety IS number 1 right now,and things WILL work themselves out as long as you continue on the road to recovery.Mention before you go to your next meeting about what happens afterwards, and the importance of building a support network with other recovering addicts and see if you two can compromise,so your husband won't be upset if you come home an hour late.OR, maybe you can make arrangements so he can attend an open meeting with you one night so he knows exactly what goes on and can meet some of the other people.Anyway,vent all you need,and I wish you the best of luck!!I can see things have not been easy!!

    Hugs,Stacie

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 12:28 PM   #5
    Twinlynn
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    Smile Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Hi, Rosie -

    (First of all--thanks--I'm feeling better today--although I did spend one more day here at home, resting with my heating pad. I sort of hesitate to throw out such phrases as "resting at home," knowing that those of you at home with active little ones, consider the combined words of "resting" and "home" an oxymoron!!!)

    Okay. Now to your husband. I find it rather striking that the same man who was crushed by your addiction, your need to be secretive, your inability to just "stop", etc.....can now barely restrain his transparently negative reactions to how you view these meetings..and this highly supportive group of people, as a great motivation....and a possible solution...to helping you reach your goal. But....perhaps behind some of this anger..is the fact that you are accomplishing all this without him! You know, I almost feel as if he is threatened by the fact that, not only did you find him the most difficult person to admit your addiction to...but, despite his great display of anger, his enormous disappointment, etc--he was NOT, singularly, the reason for your decision to stop the pills...or to go to the meetings or to become a stronger person. This is something occurring within YOU...not something that he can control...or maybe even fully understand. You're gaining strength...but you are getting it from within yourself--and from a group. Not from him. (Okay...this is all just my own psychobabble speculation...but I've thought about the reaction my own (now separated from) husband might have had to a similar situation..and it definitely strikes a chord in me!!)

    No matter how loving and supportive he is..or can be...this is still YOUR battle. And his anger (no matter how much he might disguise it in his "you're overdue for the evening's dinner" reaction), is just displaced here. He should be happy and relieved that you have gotten the strength and determination to actually even GET to these meetings...and that your finding others in similar situations is giving you that strength. But, first he has to acknowledge that, basically, you're taking this journey on your own. And, no matter how supportive he may choose to be, you are not relying on him in the same way you may have in past emotional issues. He's having to make an adjustment...and not finding it easy. But it's something he really has to do. He is acting passive/aggressive here--encouraging you with one breath--then finding ways to discourage you.

    How I would react in a similar situation is... try not to get outwardly defensive and angry at his comments about your meetings. Or the argument will just go back and forth, with each of you getting angrier and angrier! This particular issue is not up for debate--your winning this struggle to get off drugs--in the best way you know how--how is crucial for you. I would just quietly talk right thru his anger--and keep reiterating that the most important thing right now is for you to get better. And, that this method (meetings where you can talk with others) promises to be the most helpful way for you to succeed. (Even tho it means "sharing" with people other than himself. This just may be the way it has to be right now...no matter how much you love one another.)

    It must be so hard for you having to deal with both addiction....and a husband, who is obviously having trouble dealing with his OWN feelings. But for things to get really better...YOU have to feel better.

    I don't think I'm explaining this well. It's all racing around in my head, the thoughts jumping out in all sorts of directions from the "Lynn Bin" (the "bin" being my brain--where all my ideas compete to get out from one tiny exit!!!)

    But my thoughts come from "the heart"--as well as the brain. And I just wanted to tell you my "gut" reaction! (Maybe it comes from the stomach, as well!!) LOL!

    I'm going to get off the computer for a couple of hours...but I do want to check back and see what others might suggest.

    Always feel free to vent! I'm going to save up all my "vents" for the Big One. (I'm sooooo slow to really anger. And I often I think that is unhealthy...because it just builds up in the background..then comes out like Mount Vesuvius! Luckily it erupts only about once a century. And the last eruption was only two years ago--when my husband discussed his reasons for splitting up. LOLOL!)

    take care. :-) Lynn

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 12:36 PM   #6
    ddanna
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Hi Rosie,

    Once again, our lives are mirroring each others. I'm a "late" type of person as well! I've been that way forever. And, not calling each other is a big no-no in our house & it took some time for me to get hubby to understand & follow thru with it. I don't want to be a hypocrite so I always make sure to call him when I'm running around doing chores. I don't mean to pick on your hubby (mine sure isn't perfect) but I think he is being a hypocrite since he's been out late & hasn't given you courtesy calls. I am such a "tit for tat" kind of person that I always want things to be fair. I do the same thing with expecting him home @ the time he tells me and holding off dinner til he gets here, only to get a call saying he is going out for drinks or something...ugh, but at least he calls now.

    I think you should have called & you can apologize for that but he should also realize the times he has done it to you. Then you guys can come up with some kind of agreement that you both have to stick to. Can you ever bring him to a meeting with you so he can see what they are about and how afterwards people come up to talk with ya?

    So, did you enjoy this meeting otherwise? I never called on any over the wkend. You wouldn't believe how bad the RE market is! People are totally offering way more money than houses are worth and you have 10 people giving offers, it's like a bidding war, it's crazy! Don't know if we'll get to move to OC now.

    Anyway, I have 2 realtors wanting to come look at our house in 1/2 an hour so I gotta go straighten up...I hate this about showing your house...it's always gotta look presentable & I always have to be decent!!!! How are you & hubby doing now? Have you made up? I hope so...I wish he knew how hard it is to not take the pills and even harder when there are problems going on. I wish they would try harder to make things easier for us!!

    Talk to you later, Dana

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 01:44 PM   #7
    rosietee
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Wow. What I thought was just a selfish vent no one would bother reading, I have gained so much insight. Stacey, thanks for answering so fast so I knew I was not alone. MJ, I really appreciate your point of view here so much. Thank you for continuing to participate in this board. It means alot! Stacie, talking into the wee hours will probably never be an option for me, but I agree those post-meeting discussions are so important. Lynn, I think you may be right on many points, and brought up things I hadn't even though about, and made me laugh to boot. You know, my first husband voiced similar fears when I was recovering from my eating disorders that he was a little bit afraid I wouldn't need him anymore (we were very co-dependent, to the point, as I have noted before, that he committed suicide when we separated). You gave me alot to think about.

    Dana, the housing market out here is basically a lack of inventory. We live in a new community and I don't know if we would even had been able to get this house without my husband's connections with the developer. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you have money or not, you just have to be the first in line. Believe it or not, northern California is (or at least was) much worse, when I was up there during the whole *** com thing. People were making ridiculous amounts of money, not being paid by the hour like I am, and there is no way we would have been able to afford a family-sized house up there.

    And yes, dh and I have pretty much made up. He brought me a sandwich he said, because he still loves me, so I guess that is making up.

    Thursday I think I will try to go to a meeting that has a babysitter and just bring the girls. Tonight, after my endocrinologist appointment (still deciding what I should tell her or leave out, in case she doesn't want to treat me), I have the lawyer addict meeting, which my husband is always supportive of. Funny thing, a couple weeks ago, the group was small and I was the last to talk and I did talk fast, as I felt like I was keeping everyone. (part of our problem, I'm sure). So I got home early, and he said he didn't believe I even went to the meeting! Then last week, he said I shouldn't go unless I told my mother, because he didn't want to lie for me, so I didn't go. So, boy we vascillate all over the place. I'm sure this is overwhelming for him too, though.

    Thanks again, guys,

    rosie

    Last edited by rosietee; 03-15-2004 at 01:45 PM.

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 01:58 PM   #8
    yinksy
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosietee
    Just wanted to share and vent with you guys. I ended up going to a meeting last night with 15 minutes notice, so was a little late, but hubby decided I should go since ended up not going to mass because of the girls' naptimes. The meeting started at 6:30 and he called at 7:30 (meeting still in progress) to say he needed milk. Then he called at about 8:30 (I had lost track of time) yelling at me saying "where are you!" Now I must admit I was supposed to bring dinner home. But literally after the meeting (the first time I had gone to this one) people were running up to me to talk about recovery centers and there was a young girl that I was talking to for awhile too. I also admit I have no sense of time (I say ADD, but MD's disagree). Anyway! I told him I was at the meeting and he said "b*** s***, meetings don't last 2 hours!" and hung up on me and wouldn't answer the phone.

    Now, this is the man who always comes home from work late and I do get p**********. I tell him to just say he is coming home at midnight and I will be fine with that, but don't say you are coming home at 6 and then come home at 8:30! I know he just loses track of time, too, but I will decide, well I won't feed the girls yet, or I will do certain things with them until daddy gets home and then it doesn't happen.

    So maybe we just got a taste of each others' medicine. But everyone says put your sobriety first and everything else will come back first class. And if I need to talk to people about it (I wasn't just chatting about the weather!! I was having intense conversations about becoming clean!) then I should be able to.

    For anyone who listened, thank you.

    rosie
    I'm still listening, Rosie,

    Gently, gently............ Your husband and you are both going thro a very intense time.............. this is all to be expected? Deep tensions. Extreme anxiety. Flaring tempers.................. Don't worry - it's all par for the course. If this wasnt all happening - then you really would have something to worry about? He cares....... he loves you ............ he is worried sick about you. Stay with this Rosie - you are doing just wonderfully........ and I suspect your husband is too. It will all come right in the end.

    You must always remember that addiction is a family illness - and while you are now getting to your meetings and beginning to get better, he is still very sick and has no where to turn? With time - he will learn from you - he will eventually speak to spouses, friends of recovering addicts and he will learn to understand addiction. He will -believe me! But it cant happen overnight.

    Don't be too hard on him? He has stood by you thro all this so far - has he not? Many a man would have walked out by now? And taken his children too. Perhaps its your turn to take a bit of the strain now (you have all the love and support of NA/AA around you - you have such strength) and let him lean on you for a bit?

    You know - we are so selfish in our addictive behaviour - and when we start to get better....... we are still so self absorbed and selfish - understandably so - in the recovery process. Don't shut him out.

    Put yourself in his shoes? Can you imagine?
    Just let him know that you love him? He needs to hear this just now.


    Bless you, Rosie.................you are winning this fight - you have everything now to look forward to. It's such a privilege to know you.

    yinksy

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 02:17 PM   #9
    yinksy
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Well - Mount Vesuvius might erupt - but she aint gonna shut me up with any ol' ash! Pompeii, I am not! This Mount Etna will really blow her lid if she doesnt hear any positive plans for serious taper in the near future! LOLOL

    Now - serious taper - another oxymoron? LOL

    Hi Lynn - sorry to hear you are still suffering - sounds sore? Trust Theo is giving you his undivided love and slobbering?
    Its those big trusting eyes looking fondly at you.....deep, intense, loyal, loving, trusting........... then he breathes out! ha ha ha ha ha
    I am so delighted to hear of American satirists - this is not the thread to discuss this on I know.......... we will talk elsewhere - but please - lots and lots of info and names......... so I can research? All we get here is the awful sugary sweet guff like Friends, Frasier.............. dreadful stuff - so am dying to learn about some wicked political satire?? Alice & Lynn??

    Y

     
    Old 03-15-2004, 11:23 PM   #10
    rosietee
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    Re: Spouse angry about na meeting (just a vent)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by yinksy
    I'm still listening, Rosie,

    Gently, gently............ Your husband and you are both going thro a very intense time.............. this is all to be expected? Deep tensions. Extreme anxiety. Flaring tempers.................. Don't worry - it's all par for the course. If this wasnt all happening - then you really would have something to worry about? He cares....... he loves you ............ he is worried sick about you. Stay with this Rosie - you are doing just wonderfully........ and I suspect your husband is too. It will all come right in the end.

    You must always remember that addiction is a family illness - and while you are now getting to your meetings and beginning to get better, he is still very sick and has no where to turn? With time - he will learn from you - he will eventually speak to spouses, friends of recovering addicts and he will learn to understand addiction. He will -believe me! But it cant happen overnight.

    Don't be too hard on him? He has stood by you thro all this so far - has he not? Many a man would have walked out by now? And taken his children too. Perhaps its your turn to take a bit of the strain now (you have all the love and support of NA/AA around you - you have such strength) and let him lean on you for a bit?

    You know - we are so selfish in our addictive behaviour - and when we start to get better....... we are still so self absorbed and selfish - understandably so - in the recovery process. Don't shut him out.

    Put yourself in his shoes? Can you imagine?
    Just let him know that you love him? He needs to hear this just now.


    Bless you, Rosie.................you are winning this fight - you have everything now to look forward to. It's such a privilege to know you.

    yinksy
    Yinksy, how did you do it? I feel like I just went to an extra meeting. You can be so soothing and then sometimes you are so wild; you are so interesting! Someone tonight was talking about going to out of town aa meetings and how you get the best travel advice all over the world (thought of you). It's like you belong to a club or a lodge, but the price for admission is very very high. One woman said she is so honored to belong, that it was meant to be that she pay that price, but that if she were to pay that price again, she might not be so lucky to get a seat.


    You are so great.

    And I am tired. Thank you for giving me some peace. Talk to you more tomorrow.

    rosie

     
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