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    Old 03-17-2004, 10:10 AM   #91
    Nikkita
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    Red face Re: What's the point?

    Emily
    PLEASE get rid of the scales!!My hubbie hid mine and i only get them maybe once a month or so.The weight gain could purely be down to fluctuations in water balance because of B/Ping.I read somewhere that your body has an emergency supply of glucose and water which is as much as 7 ibs but it is only water not fat.Are you due a period?PMS maybe?But weighing yourself constantly will only make you feel more anxious,it is completely natural for fluctuations to occur.
    Im sorry you have started self harming though.I usually turn to drink/drugs to get me through a really bad patch.Its just so self destructive this illness.Such a vicious cycle.If im not b/ping then im starving and at times self harming.Just hang on in there girl.
    Anyway i hope H is ok.U ok H?
    Will post Friday
    Love you both
    Nikxxxxxx

     
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    Old 03-17-2004, 10:14 AM   #92
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    Re: What's the point?

    Heya, hope no one minds me posting on this thread!!

    Aurora please don't do anything. You are a truly amazing and strong person. You have come this far and helped so many other people (including me) as well as yourself to feel better! You can do it. We all have times where we feel like giving up but if everyone gave up then no one would be here anymore. You're a fighter and you can fight this. Think how life was before your ED and hold on to it. Think of all the things you have left to do, all the people that you could know that you don't know now. Please listen to everyone else that's replied to your post too. We all care about you so much! I hope you start to feel a little better soon, I'll be thinking about you!

    Roxie, please please don't cut yourself!! You don't want to get into that. I know I'm younger than you but I've been there. It doesn't help anything. It just makes it worse. I've put on weight too and I know how horrible it makes you feel, but its never worth cutting yourself. You don't deserve it. You and Aurora both deserve so much to be happy. Neither of you deserve to feel how you both feel now. But you can get through this. Just focus on something you want to do when it all gets better, something you want to see. Anything that makes you feel a bit better.

    Hope it gets better soon,
    Love Emily xXxXx

     
    Old 03-17-2004, 10:23 AM   #93
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    Thanks girlies

    I know that cutting is really not a sensible way to go, but it just seems like a good idea at the time. Nik, I really don't weigh myself obsessively, only every few days mostly. The thing that is really annoying me, is I am weighing a lot more now than I was when I was on my period, and I am certainly not due another one yet. I just feel so fat and enormous. I know everyone has weight fluctuations of a pound or 2, but 5??? That is a lot. And when I am on a low like I am at the moment I just can't think about anything else. My thoughts are entirely taken over with depression or food related thoughts, and I can't stop thinking about it.

    Nik, how are you feeling? You didn't say. Is it friday you are going to the doctors? Hope everyone is ok

    Lots of love
    Emily xXx

     
    Old 03-17-2004, 11:48 AM   #94
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    Exclamation Re: What's the point?

    I had the demon of Bulimia from the age of 15 until about 30, it is the biggest lie. I never lost weight, it's like my body held on to every calorie because it knew I was trying to starve it. I lost more weight when I stopped purging. To make a long story short, I've had about 5 sinus surgeries, the acid would make it's way into the sinuses and infect them, and tear at the lining of the esophugus to cause me severe pain and throbbing around the neck and jaw and throat. Now I'm dealing with GERD and TMJ. I had a swollen look about my face.

    Now, my face looks thinner, I've gotten so many compliments about my looks now, it's wierd, now I'm not even concerned with the weight as much as being well enought to enjoy my kids, husband and job.

    And yes, I only did it once a day, I thought I was safe also. BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS, You'll know when you've had enough of the torment. My grandmother used to say, "you'll leave any situation when you've had a stomach full of anything", and now I now what she meant. Do yourself a favor and STOP NOW. Don't let that damn food control you, there's a life out there of roller blading and shopping, etc. etc. Good Luck!

     
    Old 03-18-2004, 01:43 PM   #95
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hi everyone,
    I think I have come out of my little black hole again. I think I was trying to disappear again, even from myself. Thankyou all so much for the support. All of you. You are all so special, it meant so much reading your posts. Love you all!

    Anyway I am sorry that I put such a negative post on here but I felt real low. I can't believe I didn't go to work! I can't believe I did not call and explain. I just can't face them. I've switched off the phone so they cannot call me.
    Yesterday I had a two hour counselling sesh and guess what I think I lost my counsellor! What a reject from rejectsville must I be! I actually started to open up and talk about the stuff I have kept secret all these years. Then SHE started crying and told me she didn't know if she was experienced enough to help me with my issues. How the hell did that work out? I flaming well have to LIVE with the issues. Sorry if that sounds self absorbed but I thought counsellors were meant to help you.
    I feel awful like I should never have bothered like I am just too much of a freak to be helped. I think someone up there is ****** with me or something!
    So I skipped my doctors check today cos I didn't want to see that horrible locum. Does this mean I forfeited my chance at help now. Do I care anymore? Not sure. Dunno what went wrong in my head but I am sure they left out a bit of my brain when they made me. LOL!

    Lydimir, you are amazing for beating your bulimia. Well done you, and thanks for sharing your tale. I hope it helps my good friends on this thread who are suffering that particular demon at the moment. Thankyou.

    Emily, please don't cut yourself sweetheart. Those scars will linger and even when you beat this (cos I know you will) you will bear them as a reminder of your dark days if you don't quit now. Don't let it become a habit. Tell your GP tomorrow and get them to sort out your appointment quicker. Also weren't you seeing a counsellor this week? Hows that gonna be for you? And as to the weight fluctuations it means nothing. Seriously when I did a fortnight fasting drinking only minimal water I still put weight on a couple of times, and I was on zero calories for two weeks. Yes I did lose quite a bit, but it fluctuated a lot. So maybe it is water retention or something? Have you gone to the docs about how tired you are and got a bloodtest?

    Emily1990, Honey no-one minds you posting on this thread. We love you to pieces. Thanks so much for your support. Now please turn the support on yourself and get some help. Please.

    Nic i didn't mean to upset you. Promise. I just hurt so bad, still do really. How are you honey? Have you told your doctor about your new symptoms? Let me know how you are doing. Give me some of your worries so I can stop moping about myself! Let me help you instead.

    Louisa, you are so sweet. And that quote was so very nice. Thankyou. Hope you are doing ok too. Keep posting.

    Anyway guys, thankyou for all your wonderful posts. I hope you are all doing well. Love to all from
    H xoxo
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    Last edited by Aurora; 03-20-2004 at 01:31 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2004, 07:28 AM   #96
    Nikkita
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    Talking Re: What's the point?

    Hi guys
    Well not long in from work,so glad its the weekend.I feel dreadfully tired and ive now developed really dark patches round my eyes. I think i look terrible. A few people at work have made comments which is annoying me slightly. Its like i have to face up to the fact that my bodys had enough.
    H, missing the docs isnt the end of the world. You'll go back when you feel you can cope,But not to that a******e!! I think you should let your work know whats going on though, even just a little.You're putting far too much pressure on yourself.
    E, how you doing?Im off to the docs at 5.20.Ive got a double appointment so im gonna use the time well.
    I was sitting posing today and i was just thinking about you both. I was picturing in my head what you look like(probably way off!) and how weve all become such good friends.Ive been so touched by your support. Its just awsome!
    Anyway im feeling a bit exhausted. I feel like lying down but feel the need to burn calories far stronger. Im sure you understand!!
    Love you both
    NikXXXXXX

     
    Old 03-19-2004, 06:02 PM   #97
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hey Gals,
    Sounds like each of you are going through a hard time. Harder than before. I just want tell you to hang in there. As you begin recovery or make a commitment to get help, things always seem to get worse before they get better. For me things were never as dark as they were when I started to get help for my years of EDs. But I will say it again, recovery IS possible. You are all precious and mean so much to so many. If you can try and take a deep breath and take things one minute at a time if that is what it takes.
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    Old 03-20-2004, 03:07 AM   #98
    Nikkita
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    Talking Re: What's the point?

    Hi Girlies
    Dance thanks for your kind words of wisdom. It means so much just to know recovery is out there for us to grab at.How you doing these days?Did you have any relapses and can you really enjoy food and not abuse it after an ED ?
    Em we're both on line at the same time for a change!Have you got any plans for the weekend?Im not doing much. i have this sort of hyperactivity thing going on but at the same time i cant really be bothered doing anything or atleast my body cant.My doc was saying that its the endorphins you release when your starving.
    I didnt get blood work done, i dont know,i think im scared what they may find.Do you feel your body just giving up?So i just really had a chat about stuff. I just still feel unable to talk about the rape,but im going to try next week at the counsellor.Its just eating me up inside and destroying me.So im going back to docs next month.I was getting a bit clingy with her and she kind of sat me down and told me i was depending on her too much and that she was getting too involved for it to be a therapeutic relationship so weve cleared the air and unless its a medical thing ive agreed no more than once a month.I do have to get out of this clingy thing with people,its probably me looking for a mother figure, havent spoken to mine for about five years, she wouldnt come to our wedding and it was the last in a long line of incidents, but thats another story!
    I wonder how H is.Are you still off work and trying to slow down a bit?Hope you are ok.
    I feel like mommy here,i suppose i am in a way, E i must be a good ten years older than you, so you do as your told ok!!
    Anyway im off to do a huge pile of washing and being a mum today
    Take care you two
    Nikxxxxxxxxxx

     
    Old 03-20-2004, 03:30 AM   #99
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hi everyone

    How are you all feeling today? I hope you're not feeling too bad. I am glad you are out of your little black hole H - I know what it feels like to just not care, and want to be dead, and it isn't nice is it?? And please don't apologise for posting something negative on here, we want to know how you are actually feeling, not just hear that everything is fine when it isn't.

    H, I am sorry that your apointment with your counsellor was difficult. However, she might be right, and you may be better off with somebody more experienced. I know that you have to live with everything, and that must be amazingly difficult, but surely it is better she was honest with you rather than pretended she would be able to help when inside she didn't think she could do anything. You are certainly not a freak though, and you deserve help as much as anybody else. I can completely understand why you skipped your doctors appointment. Are there any other doctors you could see at the surgery though?

    I know that weight fluctuations are normal, and that everyones weight does fluctuate a bit, but 5 pounds is more than a little fluctuation! I seem to be getting more and more obsessive about my weight, and I really can't deal with it if I have even put on a pound since the last time I weighed. Which was why I cut myself. I just felt like I needed to do something to punish myself for letting me put on weight. I wanted to hurt myself.

    How did your doctors appointment go Nik? I hope it was ok. I saw the counsellor on thursday. She seemed very nice, and I am going to carry on going. I am still not really sure what good it will do but it is worth a try I guess. Still haven't heard anything about this referral - gotta love the NHS! I feel really strange today. My heart seems to be going quite fast, almost like when you are nervous about something. Actually, I think that is how I feel. Nervous. But I have no idea why becasue nothing is happening and there is nothing to be nervous about!

    Thanks for your post Dance, it was very sweet. And I think that you are right in that starting recovery is the hardest bit. Hopefully things will get better for all of us soon.

    Love you both loads
    Emily xxxxxxxxx

     
    Old 03-20-2004, 03:37 AM   #100
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: What's the point?

    Oh, I posted my last message and then saw Nik had posted so though I would just post a quick reply!

    I am not sure what I am doing this weekend. I think I am seeing a friend this afternoon, who I haven't seen for months and months, so that should be nice. And then not sure about tomorrow. It is mothers day so I should imagine we will just stay at home, and maybe one of my brothers will come over or something. Not sure. I have bought my mum some chocolates and a card, and I want to make a cake but there are a couple of problems which are a) that I am the most dreadful cook every, and b) that if I did make a cake then I would then eat most of it and then feel terrible. So I am not sure if I will make it or not.

    I get really clingy with people too. I got so I was feeling very dependant on my english teacher. I suppose just because she was easy to talk to, and I desperately needed someone to talk to. It probably is something to do with you wanting a mother figure - but I am not sure what it is with me! I am always feeling clingy about someone! Ah well, never mind!

    Have fun being a mum
    Emily xXx

     
    Old 03-20-2004, 01:07 PM   #101
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    Re: What's the point?

    N ~ I had relapses - in the begining they seemed to happen frequently, but I kept at it and the longer I worked at recovery the more in frequent the relapses became. Now it has been about 4 years without any problems. And surprisingly, Yes I can enjoy food without going back to where I was. That has really only been true for about 2 years now. I listen to my body a lot more, when I want junk I eat it, but I used to want junk all the time to cover up how I felt. Honestly I NEVER thought I would have a normal relationship with food, but here I am today eating like a "normal" person. Go figure. Please keep up the fight it is worth it. YOU ALL are worth it.
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    Old 03-20-2004, 02:02 PM   #102
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hiya girlies,
    Hows things?

    Nik, I get that same thing sometimes, I just suddenly start to think of you lot and that makes me smile because I know how very lovely you all are.
    I am sorry you feeling bad but I am surprised your doctor is not monitoring your bloods more carefully. I know what you mean about clinging. When I was a teenager and I was going through my binge/purge phase I got really needy with my english teacher. He probably thought I fancied him! But I just felt better around him. Since my anorexia began again I find I am more withdrawn, I am not attentive as I usually am with my friends. Or with my husband, though I love him so much. But I have become clingy with my puppy. I feel so safe and happy just being alone with her, walking, grooming, letting her snooze on my lap,etc. I just feel like she won't judge me. (sigh)

    Dance we all love you on this board. you are so caring and even though you are four years strong on beating your ed, you still spare the time to help others still battling theirs. It is nice to hear that with time you can truly learn how to have a normal relationship with food. I find I tend to cling to the stories of people who feel they have never truly beaten their disorders and it makes me feel like not bothering to try. You help keep our spirits high and willing to try. Thankyou.

    Emily, I know what you are saying about weighing yourself. I weigh myself at least six times a day - when I get up, after my exercises, when I am dressed, when I am undressed, if I ate, if I drank, if I went to the toilet. Sick huh?
    I was dreading it today. I got thirsty earlier and drank quite a bit of water, and then obviously the scale weighed more and I was so sad. I feel like it is hard because surely when all I have eaten today is a 47 cal slim a soup I should be rewarded by losing weight. Do you get that, like you feel the effort you put in should make you light as a feather?
    Before I dropped so much weight I used to feel very tachycardic sometimes, my heart would be racing. Doesn't really happen now because my heart is on slow motion.

    Anyway chickies, gotta go cos my fingers are purple again and I can't feel them. I keep worrying that it really isn't good to lose the feelings in your extremities so easily.

    Hope you all have fun with your mums tomorrow - Nik happy mothers day.

    Love y'all
    H xoxoxoxo
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    Old 03-20-2004, 09:42 PM   #103
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    Re: What's the point?

    Aurora and All ~ I consider it a privalege to get an opportunity to encourage each of you on these boards. I remember all to well how lonley and isolated I felt during my years battling an ED and I would have given anything to have someone to talk with. So here I am today hoping to be of some kind of encouragement to others. All my time of suffering will have been worth it if I can help another because of what I have been through. I KNOW that one day each of you will beat the beast and see the beauty of your hearts. And until that day, I will be the one seeing that beauty for each of you and reminding you that there is life after your ED.
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    Old 03-21-2004, 04:34 AM   #104
    Nikkita
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    Hi Guys
    How Y'all doing then?I just cant believe yet again its monday tomorrow. Im so tired i just cant be bothered. Im wondering how much longer i can go on like this really.H,whats the signs of kidney malfunction. Ive been getting pain in my lower back but the urine dipstick came back negative for protein.Does that mean my kidneys are fine or what?
    Are you taking time off work then?I know what you mean about isolating yourself. I swear there are times my hubbie is talking to me and all i can do is obsess about calories etc and not even listening to him.I tell you though that man deserves a medal. hes put up with so much crap from me, hed probably have good grounds for divorce!And hes always there for me no matter how frustrated he is with me.It makes me feel really sad sometimes because i feel so guilty.Can you relate to this H?
    Do you ever feel you are just stuck?I used to work in the swimming baths where we took kids last week.I worked in the cafe when i was 16 for a few years and when we all went up later on i was just so overwhelmed with such sadness. The place hadnt changed one bit really and all i could picture was me at my anorexic/bulimic best and then i realised im back to that same place and all those years have passed and im back being sick again. It was really emotional.
    Anyway enough about me.E u ok?Did you meet your friend?How do you find meeting someone in a food place?I think thats a big reason why i dont see friends any more. the whole thing just fills me with dread and i just dont want to face it.Wouldnt it be so nice just to go in to a coffee house and sit down and just enjoy a nice cake or something and then just get on with the day without all the baggage of an ED!!
    Well im off now
    Might take kids to beach later
    Take care
    loads a love
    NikXXXXXXX

     
    Old 03-21-2004, 06:31 AM   #105
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    Re: What's the point?

    Hey girlies

    I am not feeling too bad today actually! I had forgotten what it feels like to just not wish I was dead the whole time, and actually smile about things. And stick on a cd and sing along very loudly. It is just such a relief to not feel completely depressed. I have felt so terrible all week, and I didn't feel great when I woke up, but for some reason I have cheered up. I think my 'Anything Goes' cd will have to take the credit for it!

    It was really good to see my friend yesterday. I have known her for about 6 years now, and she was my age then, and I used to completely hero worship her! And it was good to talk about everything, and she really understood where I was coming from. Although she has never had an ED she has been verging on it several times, which I never knew, and so it was good for both of us to talk to someone else who understood.

    I decided to make a cake for mothers day, which I have just taken out of the oven. I am the world's worst cook, and this is the first cake I have ever made without anyone helping me, so I am hoping it will turn out ok! I am a bit concerned, because I will probably end up eating most of it, and it something else in the house for me to binge on, but never mind. But while I was making (attempting to!) this cake, I had on my cd loudly, and was just singing and dancing around and it just made me feel so much better. I am still pretty tired, and still feel v sick because I ate some sweets, but I feel a bit happier. I just hope it lasts.

    Nik, I didn't meet my friend in an eating place - I went to her house. But I do find it hard when I do meet people in restaraunts or whatever. And I just wish so much I could just eat a cake or some crisps without desperately wanting to make myself sick afterwards. Is it not a bit cold to go to the beach Nik?? It is pretty cold here, and you are up in Scotland!! I am planning to stay in my house!

    Love you loads
    Emily xXx

     
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