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  • WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

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    Old 03-27-2004, 05:06 PM   #1
    surrealmeal
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    Exclamation WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    I just don't understand myself. My boyfriend and i have been in a loving and faithful relationship for over a year. We would never cheat on eachother. We are both friendly and like to initiate conversation with random people. Here's what bothers me though: I get jealous way too easily. Sometimes i'll get jealous when i just see an attractive female and my boyfriend happens to be with me. I think girls that get jealous and insecure so easily are pathetic, yet i am one of them! I have pretty good self esteem and self confidence most of the time. I have NO reason in the world to be jealous. I just don't know how to stop myself. I find this part of me to be immature and quite annoying. Lately, it's been putting a strain on our relationship. It's not that i'm thinking "I bet he thinks that girl is way prettier than me" but rather, i'll see a female, get jealous, then start beating myself up mentally about it, "WHY can't i just calm down and quit this useless jealousy?" I really can't stand it, and i need to learn to change this part of me. Does anyone have any tips or experiences they can share?
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    Old 03-27-2004, 05:30 PM   #2
    villagegal68455
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    join me, i'm jealous as heck too....if you figure out how to stop let me know...
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    Old 03-27-2004, 07:57 PM   #3
    always
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    i'm the same way... "it's not that i don't trust him, i just don't trust other people"... i get even more jealous when i see the other girl hit on my boyfriend... [ ] i know how it is though... it's kind of stupid, but you end up doing it anyways... i personally don't know what to do... in seeing that yeah, it puts strain on the relationship... and there's a shot that you'll feel like that once in a while regaurdless... but you can just try to push it out of your mind [which can be hard...] beyond that... i don't know what to do...

    if anyone else has some suggestions, i'd be open to them as well

    best of luck, none the less...
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    Old 03-27-2004, 09:33 PM   #4
    hb2002
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    Jealousy results from feeling insecure within a relationship, and not because you are an insecure or jealous person. For some reason your partner is not making you feel secure and until you are feeling secure in the relationship, jealousy will alway prevail. In my first marriage I was jealous as heck. I never felt 100% confident or secure in the relationship. I just assumed I was a jealous person. But I soon realized that it was his inability to make me feel secure and confident about us that was causing me to be jealous. I'm remarried, feel 100% confident and secure in this marriage and I have absolutely no jealous feelings at all. None. Zip. My jealous nature didn't just suddenly up and disappear one day. I obviously didn't have a jealous nature, but only did so when I was in my first marriage because I lacked the security and confidence to feel otherwise.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by always
    i'm the same way... "it's not that i don't trust him, i just don't trust other people"... i get even more jealous when i see the other girl hit on my boyfriend... [ ] i know how it is though... it's kind of stupid, but you end up doing it anyways... i personally don't know what to do... in seeing that yeah, it puts strain on the relationship... and there's a shot that you'll feel like that once in a while regaurdless... but you can just try to push it out of your mind [which can be hard...] beyond that... i don't know what to do...

    if anyone else has some suggestions, i'd be open to them as well

    best of luck, none the less...

     
    Old 03-27-2004, 11:37 PM   #5
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    villagegal and always, thanks for telling me that you are both in the same boat. Makes me feel a little less insane. hb2002, that's interesting. I think it could be both situations for me. Meaning, he doesn't always make me feel as secure as he could, but also that a little bit of jealousy is natural for me. I make lots of little special efforts to show him that i care, but he rarely does the same for me much anymore. It seems that he used to make more of an effort earlier on in the relationship, and now that he's comfortable and feeling secure, he doesn't feel the need to do those sweet little things as much. It's a bit ironic though, because here he is feeling secure and comfortable and not feeling that he needs to make those little efforts, and then here i am growing more insecure everyday because of it! But, there's another side. Like i said before, i think i do have a bit of jealousy naturally. I say this because i remember getting a little jealous of my older brothers' girlfriends when we were all younger. I think that was just because i wanted my brothers to stay home and hang out with me and not grow up so damn fast.

    Well, after writing that, i feel i have a better grasp of the situation. Maybe i just need to talk to my boyfriend and tell him how i need his help and effort. He wants to help. How would i approach that subject though? I don't want to sound selfish. If it turns out that some jealousy is natural for me, that's fine. I can handle a little bit and i think it can be quite normal. But i just don't want it to rule my mind so much anymore. I'd be happy if i got jealous on occasion, but immediately got over it and not let it pass my mind again.
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    Old 03-28-2004, 12:57 PM   #6
    cloverberry
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    I don't feel so bad any more. I'm jealous too. My husband never gave me any reason to be jealous but it's still there any way. I still get jealous but I don't let him know I am. What can you do. They're alway going to be around other women at work or even a store. Vent on a girlfriend who won't make you feel stupid.

     
    Old 03-29-2004, 05:45 AM   #7
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    I too "used" to be a Jealous person...I didn't understand why and too hated the feeling...I had no reason to be jealous with some of my relationships and some well...I did...But I hated the Jealous Part Of me....I was good at hiding it though, because I came across as a confident, strongwilled girl..when inside I was a hurting, insecure, unsure of myself, always doubting myself that I was not good enough...This all came to me because I had a rotten mother who always told me I was nobody without a man, when I spoke-she was so rude to me as if what I had to say was not important, I think everything about me was due to her because of how she made me feel as a child....

    I had alot of bad relationships as well, my dad died when I was 7 so I didn't have a father figure and didn't know of one except Mr.Brady on the Brady Bunch..How I wanted him to be MY DAD...LOL My mom was a mean bitter woman who never had anything good to say except of herself....

    SO for me my insecurities of my childhood turned me into a Jealous Person.
    After too many relationships gone bad and my feelings towards my mother I put myself through Therapy...Best thing that good have done.
    I went once before to therapy when my 1st marriage was ending but I didn't dicuss my relatioship or issues of hatred about my mother.....

    I had never felt better after resolving my issues that I had regarding my childhood or my mother...It made me into the Secure, confidant, not jealous type of woman I wanted to be...I ended any relationship I was in, tooked 2 years off from dating or relatinships to get to know me...It was a wonderful feeling, I got to meet a new me and opened my eyes to see things differently.

    I have been in strong solid healthy relationship for 5 years now..I don't think I could have been the way I am now had I not gone into therapy or spent those two years alone with no man in my life...I'm not a jealous person anymore, don't get me wrong...I check out woman all the time and wish sometimes I look like them..My boyfriend, he's funny...He gets alittle jealous about me sometimes and I do alittle from time to time..but with my new attitude and the security he give me, the love he showers upon me I'm not that insane little girl looking for approval, needing to be reassured that I'm loved, or crazy jealous...I love myself but have lots of love to give to others who deserve it!

     
    Old 03-29-2004, 06:59 AM   #8
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    It is very true that if he is not making you feel safe in your relationship that you will become insecure, and as a result, jealous. I dated a man shortly before meeting my Dh, that made me that way while we were together. It drove me NUTS because I am NOT jealous by nature! However, we would be out together and he would make comments to me about other women--usually their [email protected]@bs, which made me really insecure. I am certainly not flat-chested by ANY means, but have always been a bit self-concious (let's be honest....Pam Anderson, Anna Nicole, Carmen Electra, blah blah)

    It really killed me b/c he KNEW that was a sore spot for me and STILL would "admire" them. Now, keep in mind that I will be the first person to say "She is too cute/so pretty/has a great body/love her hair--what a cute cut...." I am not at all threatened by that. But start outwardly comparing me to other women and I'll turn on ya!!!!

     
    Old 03-29-2004, 07:25 AM   #9
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    I feel you too....

    I have been in the same boat for the past year. Things are getting better in my relationship. We have done alot of things to help each other out like purposely going out to make the feelings stronger and keeping a journal to record our feeling.

    There is nothing wrong with being jealous, but the feeling does stink. The nerves that you feel and the tention is just hard to explain. Its hard to fight these thoughts but you will eventually get over it.

    I know you stated that she will never cheat on you and you should take that into thought the next time she goes out. She needs to have her life with the girls and your emotions shouldn't keep her from going out. When my girl goes out I just say to myself "nothing is going to happen because she loves me."
    This has help me to cool down but you'll just have to explore your ways to cool off.

     
    Old 03-29-2004, 10:33 PM   #10
    surrealmeal
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    Last night, i was writing when a thought suddenly came over me...

    "This jealousy thing--it is NOT that big of a deal at all! It's a natural human trait and i just need to accept that, move on, and not allow myself to dwell. Next time jealousy strikes, step back, realize that i am merely being a silly human, and get over myself."

    Another event today reassured that i am not the only one who experiences jealousy and it is best just to keep moving forward: I was sitting outside on a chair next to a table. One of my cats jumped up on my lap and i started petting her. Another cat was laying on the table. When the cat laying on the table saw that i was petting the other cat, she tried to roll around and look all cute to get my attention. When that didn't work immediately, she quickly jumped up and swat the cat sitting on my lap right in the face. The cat from my lap ran off. Just a few seconds after the incident, the cat on the table was back to her normal routine of grooming and purring.

    Except for the freaking out and swatting, i should take some cues from my cat. The only difference between her and i is that she did the animal thing of immediately acting out. It's just like me feeling that jealous twinge and wanting to freak out on the inside, before calming down again.

    Ok, so my cat analogy may not make sense to you, but it's been a long day.
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    Old 03-30-2004, 06:34 AM   #11
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    That was a Cute Cat story...

    I have a Black Lab dog and anytime my boyfriend shows affection or is horsing around with me...My Dog goes Ballistic! No one can kiss me in front of him without him barking or crying...LOL


     
    Old 03-30-2004, 02:15 PM   #12
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    yep, my dog gets so jealous too...he even tries sleeping between my hubby and i....and if i'm on the computer too long, he goes nuts...
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    Old 03-30-2004, 06:58 PM   #13
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    Get an ugly boyfriend, that will solve all your problems!

     
    Old 03-31-2004, 02:47 AM   #14
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    Re: WHY can't i stop being jealous?!

    Jealousy. Ahhh something I suffered a lot in the past from. Do I suffer from it now? Yup to a degree but not as bad. My experience has taught me this (feel free to disagree.....I'm sure y'all will) that men who have been as into me as I was them were secretly pleased with my displays of jealousy. Made them feel wanted and that I was outwardly showing that I felt the same way about them, in a womanly way. Those who didn't like it, were either not into me in the same way as I was them OR had something to hide.

    That's my two pennies and I'm now gathering ammunition for your responses.

     
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