insecure over opposite sex friends issue

hi everyone- I'm writing because I'm having disagreements with my boyfriend over an issue concerning opposite sex friends/coworkers. Been together one year, and agreed we want it to be exclusive recently.

My boyfriend is in a major orchestra and goes on tour with them for 3 months a year (one month each trip). many of the members of the orchestra are women obviously, and since I do not travel for my job at all, I would like to know what is considered appropriate, concerning socialzing/working alone with the opposite sex in your hotel room. I feel really, really uncomfortable about this. Why- because a previous boyfriend cheated on me with a co-worker he swore up and down were "just friends", and they would go on business trips and socialize in one or the other's room.

We have only had one discussion about this and it didn't go well. I told him how I felt (but of course did not say he's not allowed or something like that- I'm not his mother), and he said that several of the women are good friends, the orchestra is like a family, and he should be able to hang out with whoever he wants in his room. He thinks it's a trust issue, but I honestly don't feel that way. I don't think he is going to sleep with someone, but I thought the situation just seems innapropriate, and I can't imagine asking a male friend on business to "come hang out alone with me in my bedroom!".
I do think it's good to have opposite sex friends, I just think there should be some boundaries. I can understand him to a degree though, those people travel together and work together all the time, they probably are like family, and maybe it's like a dorm setting, with everyone taking up one floor of the hotel and going in and out of everyone's rooms. I feel really torn about it and want to make the "right" decision. Is there a right and wrong about this? I feel like if I stick my gut, then I will be labeled as jealous and controlling, and I don't want that to happen.

My question is, do people on business trips actually work with the opposite sex in hotel rooms? And separate from that, does it seem ok to hang out one on one with the opposite sex in a setting like that? What is considered appropriate? If anyone has experience with any of this type of thing, please let me know!

Well, I agree with you, I don't think it's a trust issue, it's a matter of propriety. I remember once I went on a business trip with my boss and we had to do some work in his room, but I was only there for about 10 minutes while he explained what he wanted me to do, then I took the work into my room. But if your guy travels with an orchestra, what work would need to be done in a hotel room? Rehearsing a piece of music, or a specific passage, or something? That could and should be done with at least 3 people, I would think. No, if it's just one woman in his room alone, chances are they are socializing, not rehearsing, or "working". So now the question becomes, what is appropriate socializing between collegues when there's no work involved? Personally, I feel it's terribly inappropriate for one man and one woman who are work collegues and are in a relationship with other people to be alone together in a hotel room, where there also happens to be a bed, with the door closed. It just has the appearance of inpropriety and can start gossip, etc. It could be very possible your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, but he's not showing any respect for you by putting himself in a position where it looks like he could be up to no good, and he's also showing very little respect for your feelings on this issue. I mean, if a bunch of people are hanging out in one or two adjoining rooms sort of having a gathering or party, that's one thing, but your boyfriend, closed in a hotel room with one woman alone, that's just not proper. But, the flipside is, how are you going to stop him if he wants to do it, and doesn't care how you feel about it, and sees nothing wrong with it? Looks like you don't have much choice but to grin and bear it, or get a spy on your side, a co-worker of his that you know and trust that will be honest with you and tell you what he's really up to on the road, or maybe you can make a surprise visit or two. But otherwise, I don't see where there's much you can do about it. My question is, how do you know for sure he hangs out with women alone in his room? Did he tell you about certain situations? Perhaps he wouldn't tell you if he were really up to no good. If you think he's being faithful, but just not looking appropriate, I guess you'll have to decide how important that is to you.

thanks for replying. Well, unfortunately for me, it DOES mean a lot to me, so if he doesn't understand, I'll have to consider whether I want to continue the relationship. I really don't think he is physically cheating, but I think there is a lot more to an exclusive relationship than physically cheating, isn't there?? And I think by doing it, it sends a message to the woman about our relationship. The thing that really frustrates me is that it's not like I'm asking him to never talk to women or be friends with women. I've never, ever said that. I just feel if he wants to hang out one on one with another woman, they should go get a coffee, or lunch, or take a walk or something! Not hang out alone in a hotel room. And yes, I agree that if it several people or more (including women) in the hotel room, that's not such a big deal. I wouldn't have an issue with it. Ugh, I don't know what to do about this.

oops, I forgot to answer your question. I ASKED my boyfriend if he does because the last relationship I was in, I was cheated on (it was another "just friends" situation) and when my ex and this woman were on business trips, THEY would hang out alone in his hotel room. I mean, before they actually cheated, they would just sit around talking, watching movies in there, etc. I appreciate that my recent boyfriend is honest about it, but I still think it's weird and innapropriate, no matter how good friends he and these female orchestra members are.

Ugh, that would be sooo unacceptable for me. I think it's bad enough my boyfriend is going to tour around Columbia with some girl he doesn't know and his friend for a week and do the whole camping thing - I can't even imagine the situation you're in. I hope you made it clear to him exactly how big of a deal it is; usually when I try to explain these kinds of things to my boyfriend using the "How would YOU feel if I was doing that" approach usually helps.

IE: He wanted us to go hang out with his ex gf over thanksgiving weekend while we were up visiting with this parents for the first time. Yeah. I asked him how he'd feel about spending a holiday with my family and an ex that I at one point thought I wanted to marry - he quickly quieted down and agreed it wasn't a good idea.

Until they generally see the shoe on THEIR foot I find boyfriends that I have don't really consider how they'd feel about it, they just feel justified and defensive without even thinking about how they'd feel if some guy was in a hotel room alone with you. It's just not a proper setting.

My Dh has hung out with female coworkers and yes one of them even in his hotel room while they played some games on x-box and he showed her some computer tips. There are few women in his squardron and all but one of those I would trust to hang out in DH's hotel room. The only reason there is one I dont trust is I have already seen her go after married guys in the squadron. The reason I know is I have seen it first hand at picnics and such. I have also talked with some of the guys that have shot her attempts down.
So for me I dont have a problem with it. I should add that I know these women and most are either married or in committed relationships. The one that he went to Italy with and hung out in each other's rooms even talked to me before they went to make sure I was ok with them going on a tdy together. She told me that some of the other wives dont like that and would even go to extremes to get their Dh's off tdys that included women.

You can try approach of seeing how he would feel if the it were you in his place. Or you can also see about getting to know some of these women to see how they feel about the hanging out. Who knows you might make new friends.

Originally Posted by Blastoff9600

You can try approach of seeing how he would feel if the it were you in his place. Or you can also see about getting to know some of these women to see how they feel about the hanging out. Who knows you might make new friends.

You had some great advice in your post and I agree with them putting the other person in their shoes.

I sometimes do the same thing and my GF better understanding on where I am coming from on the situation. I hate to do that sometimes because it make me feel bad to turn things onto her but in the long run it saves from a fight because she has a better understanding.

I know if my spouse had a very good guy friend that is commitited in a marraige I wouldn't mind if they hang out once in a while. Sometimes its good to have the freedom but I would really have to know the person before I send my wife on a hang out with another guy.

Just so I'm clear, I do think it's good to have opposite sex friends. I don't care if he has some that he hangs out with sometimes. It just seems like there some situations I'm a lot more comfortable with than others, like him and a female friend meeting for lunch, vs. him and female friend having drinks in her apartment. I have two male friends that I see alone occ for lunch or dinner, but I can't ever imagine either of them asking me if I wanted to come hang out in their apt. alone, because they know I have a boyfriend. And vice vesra, I know one is married, and can't imagine inviting him to dinner and a movie, or to come to my house for the evening to just hang out. I just wonder what his wife would think. I feel kinda torn because if you have boundaries, does that mean you don't trust? I still feel uncomfortable about the hotel room thing, but you all gave me a lot to think about....

I don't think you don't trust, it's just a certain level of respect (imo) that's required in a relationship. You don't go around finding situations that are inappropriate to begin with and then going through with them.

I think it's pretty disrespectful personally, for a man or a woman in a relationship to hook up with someone of the opposite sex for anything one on one at a hotel room or apartment. Even if one is married or whatever - I just don't think that's very kind to anyone's SO. Granted I have a hard time with opposite sex friends at all - but that's a different story. I can recognize what's acceptable and what's just disrespectful to a boyfriend or girlfriend... going to someone's hotel room alone (or having someone in his hotel room) is disrespectful to you.

Please please please do not flame me for my response. I cannot believe these words are coming out of my mouth myself - just let me say them and move on!!

Under any other circumstances the situation you describe would be intolerable.
Amongst MUSICIANS ON THE ROAD this is entirely normal. They are a family. They have traveled before together and will travel again together.

Are there any other "roadies" out there who can discuss this??

I dated a guy who was a french horn player with a regional orchestra. He'd known & traveled with his fellow musicians (female & male) long before he knew me.
And after me.
Oh, and by the way... he dumped me for someone who WASN'T in the orchestra, so much for any worrying that I might have done about what went on out there!!!

I won't flame you! Like I said, I'm torn about it because I can see my boyfriend's point of view in some ways. I guess it depends what he and his female friends are DOING in there (of course I don't mean the totally obvious!). I mean, I can see maybe sitting around and talking for a bit, or playing video games like someone mentioned, but thinking about he and her sitting or lying on the hotel BED (clothed of course!)together, just talking, watching movies, etc, just seems wrong to me. Or hanging out in there alone for hours, esp. late at night, or drinking while they're in there, etc. I just don't think I could ever accept those situations! No matter how much like family they are. Did your horn player ex do stuff like that, and did you accept it?

O.k. Now you're REALLY going to think I'm nuts.
but... I never asked him much about his behavior on the road. I guess to me there wasn't any difference in what he could do in his apt. as compared to the road. Plus we were in our early 30's. I didn't have any illusions about the "control" one has over another's behavior.
As it turns out of course, he dumped me for the girl who dumped him before he met me.
And, I will always remember that NO one kisses better than a horn player!!

HA!

were you two very serious?

I understand you about one thing- there's no way you can control what someone's going to do... if my boyfriend wants to do something, he'll do it! This is hard because I see it from both sides. I personally do not have many male friends, and definitely none close enough to feel comfortable doing the stuff he does with them..........and the thing is, if I do say "ok I will try and accept you hanging out in your hotel room with your friend, but can you please just not drink in there and lie around on the bed?" How stupid would THAT sound??????? ARRRGHHH!

A lot of Rock Bands are family as well. If musicians in an orchestra are the same as musicians in a rock band, well... I'll let you figure that out yourself. It's not difficult.

Actually, there is something else that kinda bothers me about all this. That is the point in this relationship when this issue became a concern to you?

You mentioned that you have been dating for a year and recently agreed to make it an exclusive relationship.

If this issue became a concern to you after you made this relationship exclusive, then maybe you should have left the relationship the way it was before. But, maybe you traded one concern for another, but now you just don't have a solution for this one, yet.

If this was a concern before you both agreed to make this an exclusive relationship then maybe you should have address this issue with him prior to committing to this relationship.

Now, you are wondering whether to continue with this relationship when it could have been possible to avoid the relationship and your concern altogether as I see it.

I am not trying to flame you, and I hope you don't take offense, but I just don't get it. Such is life sometimes.

Hoop

hmmm, I think I see you point. I guess I felt when we were casually dating I didn't have a "right", so to speak, to bring that concern up, because we were not exclusive at that point. I mean, there are some things maybe you do when you are single or dating casually, when you might not do so readily if you are exclusive or married? But if you mean I should've brought this up in the TRANSITION from us dating to being exclusive, you're probably right. We've only been exclusive for a month though, so it's not like I sprung this idea on him two years later or something.