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    Old 04-05-2004, 10:38 AM   #31
    Bambi27
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    I am giving my view of a 22 year old, but that is the point of these post. We all are from different age groups and have different views toward some situations. Yes, We do agree at times but over all we are giving our own thoughts to a situation and what we would do in that matter.

    I realize there are kids here. I do know kids like to analyst and watch things. And if this was a huge issue then he could leave the house for the time being until he is better but I see no need of her just droping him like that.
    Thanks for the support
    Exactly. If HE feels he needs to leave because living with someone with 2 kids is too much. He can make the decision to. He says that he WANTS to be here. And he WANTS to deal with the issues at hand. So why should I just kick him out w/o giving him the opportunity to do so? To show him I don't trust him to do the things he says he will? Sorry but I have trust in the man I love.
    And I TRUST and BELIEVE he will make the changes he says he will make. And so far he has.
    Which is great.
    IF he wanted to leave, and not be here, he would. He hasn't. SO that means to me he is willing to do what he has to do.
    He started pulling his wieght around the house and paying for the bills.
    More power to him. And he is doing great with the girls.
    So no I don't see the point in me kicking him out if I SEE that he is making the changes he needs to make and he knows he needs to make.

     
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    Old 04-05-2004, 10:49 AM   #32
    GirlHarley
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Hi again, Well I for one am not judging you nor do I think you are wrong with your post. I see you (and of course I'm solely going by what you have written) You have good insight in regards to your relationship,
    I give you much credit for your relationship and the strength you have shown to give so much of yourself to this man along with your girls.
    NO stones thrown, no judgement passed...

    I responded because I saw a good woman...That being YOU, who has so much going for her, who is focussed, and I guess would rather see you with someone who Can take care of YOU, not your girls...But you...AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!

    When I responded to you earlier today, I was writing from my own experience where I was involved with someone who said they loved me, my child, yada yada...but then after a year dumped me because I had baggage...It hurt!

    My boyfriend now, we live together...we own a home, accepts my son.
    I wouldn't say he loves my son, he says he does / but I haven't felt it.
    A mother KNOWS these things. He sometimes picks on the stupid issues about my son that drives me crazy.........
    but then.... I also have to look at his relationship with his own children.
    I think I love them more them HIM! He is a great guy don't get me wrong,
    he is a good dad. but we do have or I should say He can really **** me off sometimes when he makes comments about MY SON. He likes to act "old fashion" with my son and his own kids.

    I love him (boyfriend) so much...but my son comes frist and I even put his kids ahead of him Sometimes. We agrue about the kids.. but I always win when it comes to the children because they are my first priority and I am always looking out for their best interests. If he ever said to me I don't know if I could deal with your son or my bagage, I could not handle that! I would kick him to the door, but that is me..Because I am not strong like you...

    You mentioned about two parents living in the household with problems.
    I agree with you, but lets face it...Nothing beats the real parents...For some reason it is just different. I run into issues sometimes with my exhusband because of how much he DOES spoil our son with the material things when my son is not pulling his weight with chores or school grades. But again, if a guy did tell me even if he was being honest about his feelings...I just couldn't handle hearing something negative about my son...

    I wish you luck with your relationship, You really sound strong and sure of yourself and I mean that in a positive way......

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 10:50 AM   #33
    Salinas1
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bambi27
    And it is sort of ridiculous for you to believe that every relationship is and think that relationships don't go through hard times.
    What is ridiculous is to somehow infer that I ever suggested relationships don't go through hard times. Of course they do. My objections are that you should be going through this struggle with your boyfriend as a boyfriend, and not with him protraying, by default, a father figure for your daughters. At least until the word “doubt” no loner lingers on his lips. Children don’t “work through”. They learn lessons from adults “working through”.

    From you most recent response, we simply have a huge difference of philosophy on what is and isn't appropriate in teaching children of adult relationships. My own values dictate that bringing a man into the house as a father figure, that does not have a legal status to the children, who has, while living in that environment expressed emotional attachment to a former girlfriend, who has openly questioned his readiness to take on the role of father, simply not fair or right for the children. I think it teaches, especially young girls, that it is normal behavior to live with a man before he is committed and certain. There are so many other issues with bringing a man into the house that to list them all would make no matter. Your values on tis are different than min, so we can only disagree on this.

    All I can say is the cylce is a cycle for a reason.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 10:51 AM   #34
    Bambi27
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    I am giving my view of a 22 year old, but that is the point of these post. We all are from different age groups and have different views toward some situations. Yes, We do agree at times but over all we are giving our own thoughts to a situation and what we would do in that matter.

    I realize there are kids here. I do know kids like to analyst and watch things. And if this was a huge issue then he could leave the house for the time being until he is better but I see no need of her just droping him like that.
    One more thing, I realize kids do analyze things just like you say.
    But they can't really analyze anything if we have our discussions while the girls are in bed, or while my oldest is at school and the youngest is napping or when they are not here. We DO not have our discussions with the girls around. It's not their problem to hear it.
    So that is why it's not that HUGE of an issue for him to leave. Yes he was leading a bad example for awhile. He is doing what he has to do to set a good example for them.
    Nothing wrong with that.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 10:55 AM   #35
    Bambi27
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GirlHarley
    Hi again, Well I for one am not judging you nor do I think you are wrong with your post. I see you (and of course I'm solely going by what you have written) You have good insight in regards to your relationship,
    I give you much credit for your relationship and the strength you have shown to give so much of yourself to this man along with your girls.
    NO stones thrown, no judgement passed...

    I responded because I saw a good woman...That being YOU, who has so much going for her, who is focussed, and I guess would rather see you with someone who Can take care of YOU, not your girls...But you...AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!

    When I responded to you earlier today, I was writing from my own experience where I was involved with someone who said they loved me, my child, yada yada...but then after a year dumped me because I had baggage...It hurt!

    My boyfriend now, we live together...we own a home, accepts my son.
    I wouldn't say he loves my son, he says he does / but I haven't felt it.
    A mother KNOWS these things. He sometimes picks on the stupid issues about my son that drives me crazy.........
    but then.... I also have to look at his relationship with his own children.
    I think I love them more them HIM! He is a great guy don't get me wrong,
    he is a good dad. but we do have or I should say He can really **** me off sometimes when he makes comments about MY SON. He likes to act "old fashion" with my son and his own kids.

    I love him (boyfriend) so much...but my son comes frist and I even put his kids ahead of him Sometimes. We agrue about the kids.. but I always win when it comes to the children because they are my first priority and I am always looking out for their best interests. If he ever said to me I don't know if I could deal with your son or my bagage, I could not handle that! I would kick him to the door, but that is me..Because I am not strong like you...

    You mentioned about two parents living in the household with problems.
    I agree with you, but lets face it...Nothing beats the real parents...For some reason it is just different. I run into issues sometimes with my exhusband because of how much he DOES spoil our son with the material things when my son is not pulling his weight with chores or school grades. But again, if a guy did tell me even if he was being honest about his feelings...I just couldn't handle hearing something negative about my son...

    I wish you luck with your relationship, You really sound strong and sure of yourself and I mean that in a positive way......
    Well I have to admit. Kids are hard to deal with period. No matter who it is. Parents or the boyfriend or girlfriend.
    Yes I actually love the fact he told me he is having a hard time with the kids.
    At least he is honest. And we can work on it. He just is NOT use to being around kids on a full time basis. That alone takes time.
    But thank you.
    It sounds like you are in a tough situation yourself.
    But we all do what we have to do to make sure we and our kids are happy.
    And in all honesty as long as no one is getting physically and mentally hurt, that's what should matter. Is that you ARE working on the problems w/o getting the kids involved in the middle of it.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 11:01 AM   #36
    eightball61
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bambi27
    Thanks for the support
    Exactly. If HE feels he needs to leave because living with someone with 2 kids is too much. He can make the decision to. He says that he WANTS to be here. And he WANTS to deal with the issues at hand. So why should I just kick him out w/o giving him the opportunity to do so? To show him I don't trust him to do the things he says he will? Sorry but I have trust in the man I love.
    And I TRUST and BELIEVE he will make the changes he says he will make. And so far he has.
    Which is great.
    IF he wanted to leave, and not be here, he would. He hasn't. SO that means to me he is willing to do what he has to do.
    He started pulling his wieght around the house and paying for the bills.
    More power to him. And he is doing great with the girls.
    So no I don't see the point in me kicking him out if I SEE that he is making the changes he needs to make and he knows he needs to make.

    And thats why I said he needs you and he realizes that your are a good thing to him..It will just take time for him to work on the rest.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 11:04 AM   #37
    eightball61
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bambi27
    One more thing, I realize kids do analyze things just like you say.
    But they can't really analyze anything if we have our discussions while the girls are in bed, or while my oldest is at school and the youngest is napping or when they are not here. We DO not have our discussions with the girls around. It's not their problem to hear it.
    So that is why it's not that HUGE of an issue for him to leave. Yes he was leading a bad example for awhile. He is doing what he has to do to set a good example for them.
    Nothing wrong with that.
    And thats what I mean if he need to leave because he doesn't want to set a bad example then he can do while the girls are home. Personally I think that will make him more stronger and develope to be a family man.

    If he does leave though he can always come back for the talks when they are in school or in bed like you say.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 11:09 AM   #38
    Bambi27
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Salinas1
    What is ridiculous is to somehow infer that I ever suggested relationships don't go through hard times. Of course they do. My objections are that you should be going through this struggle with your boyfriend as a boyfriend, and not with him protraying, by default, a father figure for your daughters. At least until the word “doubt” no loner lingers on his lips. Children don’t “work through”. They learn lessons from adults “working through”.

    From you most recent response, we simply have a huge difference of philosophy on what is and isn't appropriate in teaching children of adult relationships. My own values dictate that bringing a man into the house as a father figure, that does not have a legal status to the children, who has, while living in that environment expressed emotional attachment to a former girlfriend, who has openly questioned his readiness to take on the role of father, simply not fair or right for the children. I think it teaches, especially young girls, that it is normal behavior to live with a man before he is committed and certain. There are so many other issues with bringing a man into the house that to list them all would make no matter. Your values on tis are different than min, so we can only disagree on this.

    All I can say is the cylce is a cycle for a reason.
    Every man who goes into a relationship with a women with kids is NEVER 100% ready no matter how much they say they are (especially if he has NEVER lived with children before). Every man will doubt whether or not they are going to be able to handle it or if they are going to do what is right by the children.

    Yes I agree we COULD go round and round about this because we believe differently on this. But it's not going to.
    You do things the way YOU want to.
    I do not judge nor do I critisis you for it. And I won't. Because each of us is different. Just because I have my bf living with us. (and everyone has doubts about relationships at times anyways) doesn't mean my children are going to grow up in unhealthy relationships.
    So for you to say a cycle is a cycle for a reason is VERY uncalled for. No reason to get rude about things just because we do not see eye to eye.
    You live your life the way YOU want to. And if you don't like my thread then STOP responding to it.
    I had and do have EVERY right to come on here and ask for opinions.
    And just because I don't do things the way YOU feel are right, does not mean they are not right for me. Nor does it make me a bad person OR a bad mother. I am a VERY good mother.
    Things do not always work for every person.
    So not everyone is going to do the things YOU feel they should.
    That's a fact of life.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 11:36 AM   #39
    eightball61
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    To make a little peace, its like I stated before and Bambi27 got on it.

    We are all different on how we do and react to things. The purpose of this board is to give those views to people in need. Yes, we are all going to have our own opinions. Its ok to agree and its ok to disagree, but when disagreeing there should only be a limit to how far that is taken.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 11:40 AM   #40
    Bambi27
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    To make a little peace, its like I stated before and Bambi27 got on it.

    We are all different on how we do and react to things. The purpose of this board is to give those views to people in need. Yes, we are all going to have our own opinions. Its ok to agree and its ok to disagree, but when disagreeing there should only be a limit to how far that is taken.
    Thank you. I am done with her as far as I'm concerned. I'll do things the way I feel it is best.
    I will wait it out and see if he CONTINUES to do the changes he needs.
    So far he is doing great.
    So thank you for all your support Eightball

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 12:08 PM   #41
    CoreyP
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Good luck Bambi,

    You make alot of sense with your arguments, nothing wrong with what you are trying. I just hope that you don't put too much investment (for lack of a better word) into him changing. I have dated two women that were bi-polar, and they would change from day to day. So even if he changes for a little while its doubtful that he would stay changed. Its like they live in a different reality. And the ones that I have known have been extremely selfish, they can also be unbelievably passionate and loveable. That made it difficult to leave them, but no matter how hard I tried, they just could not be happy. That is very, very demoralizing. Good luck.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 12:15 PM   #42
    eightball61
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Well your welcome


    I just wanted to make it known so there is not hatred on this board. We all seem to get along and I don't like to see bashing post. Negative thoughts are cool but when someone is bashing another for a though I think its not right. Even though this is over the net we still have feelings.

    To ones that post a lot this is sort of like a family and I don't want to see any barriers happen because this place wouldn't be as fun if that happen.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 12:24 PM   #43
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CoreyP
    Good luck Bambi,

    You make alot of sense with your arguments, nothing wrong with what you are trying. I just hope that you don't put too much investment (for lack of a better word) into him changing. I have dated two women that were bi-polar, and they would change from day to day. So even if he changes for a little while its doubtful that he would stay changed. Its like they live in a different reality. And the ones that I have known have been extremely selfish, they can also be unbelievably passionate and loveable. That made it difficult to leave them, but no matter how hard I tried, they just could not be happy. That is very, very demoralizing. Good luck.
    I wouldn't say I am trying to change him exactly. Just for him to treat me the way he would want to be treated as well.
    Just a little respect. If he is THAT selfish and can't treat me the way I need to be treated then I will end it. It is difficult. I do know that much. I have dated a few bi polar guys in the past. But we split up for totally different reasons then us not wanting to work things out. I accept he has his problems (whether its bi polar or just depression) and I am willing to stick it out.
    Thank you very much.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 12:47 PM   #44
    eightball61
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bambi27
    I accept he has his problems (whether its bi polar or just depression) and I am willing to stick it out.
    Thank you very much.

    We all have problems...Mine is i am jealous and very dumb half of the time

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 01:03 PM   #45
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    "My own values dictate that bringing a man into the house as a father figure, that does not have a legal status to the children, who has, while living in that environment expressed emotional attachment to a former girlfriend, who has openly questioned his readiness to take on the role of father, simply not fair or right for the children. "

    I have to agree here with Salinas. I don't think she's bashing you at all; I think she is bringing up a very valid concern and that concern has nothing to do with being involved with someone who has some problems. That concern is that since the situation is still unresolved and he has not yet made a commitment to stay with you and be a step-father to the kids, it is not the safest and most secure environment for the kids to be growing up in. My parents divorced when I was a child. A few years later, my mother did the same exact thing you did: moved in with a guy she was madly in love with, in the hopes of it "working out." Well, let me tell you that I got very attached to him, despite the fact he was not the most reliable guy in the world. I wanted my mother to be happy, but he was just not a "father material" (drank too much and also kind of lived off of my mother financially). After a couple of years, just as i started calling him "daddy," he left my mother, who had just had his baby in the hospital. Disappeared like the biggest coward on earth. Wrote my mother a letter he just couldn't deal with the pressure of being a family man and all, asked her to forgive him. Do you have ANY idea what it does to a child? Your children are looking up to this guy as a father figure and getting attached to him as we speak. Yes, they WILL blame themselves if he leaves. I felt absolutely devastated when my almost step-father left. I had no idea what happened and why he wouldn't be coming home anymore. I thought I had done something that caused him to abandon us. That maybe if I had been a better kid, he wouldn't have left and made my mother so unhappy. I hate that man to this day. I was 7 years old when he left. So, you can rationalize it all you want, and listen to advice from a well-meaning but naive about life 22 year old (don't mean that as an offense), and do what you want. Of course, this is your life. But don't kid yourself that your children will not be affected because they will be, and it is all a gamble at this point (he MIGHT stay, or he MIGHT go). You're saying that he's doing "great" and making great improvements, but it's only been a few days since you posted. I would have a serious conversation with him whether he intends to marry you and be the best father to your kids he can be, because you are taking a big risk if you just leave that to chance. If you don't want him to move out until he's ready to make that commitment, at least establish a time frame in the near future for it to happen, so that you and your girls can live in a more stable environment. I wish you all the best.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 04-05-2004 at 01:04 PM.

     
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