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    Old 04-12-2004, 11:37 AM   #31
    Charlyssa
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by moocheke
    Yes it drives me insane i get real depressed over this i keep saying i won't do it again and i just did it today i don't know what to do
    Hi Moocheke!

    Welcome aboard our overeaters train! We here know EXACTLY what you are going thru and how you feel. As I've told others, try to take it one meal at a time. "Just for this meal" I will eat only healthy foods and I will not overeat. Don't think about the rest of the day or the rest of the week. I have been trying this but....I fell...as I stated in an earlier post. I got up, dusted myself off, and I'm back on. For how long??? Who knows. All we can do is keep trying, and keep fighting that inner voice that tells us to do what we know we shouldn't do. Hopefull we can find strenghth here on this board. It helps to know that others feel the same way, so post again, OK? We care!!!

    Hugs
    Char

     
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    Old 04-12-2004, 09:59 PM   #32
    dilemma
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    hi char! (or should i say, pam? that name reminds me of our next door neighbor when i was little who used to make us homemade jam).

    I hope you had a good therapy session--stick with it, it really is a good thing to do. i can't wait to start mine on wednesday. but of course, if you want i am always here to read your posts!! i love reading them, and analyzing them--i can be your pseudo-therapist . this psych major should be put to some use, after all!

    hm... i agree. moving is a really big stress. all of a sudden you're just asked to leave the life you know behind and jump head first into a new one. but don't fret too much--it's never too late to meet new people. are you living in a suburb? are there houses near by? perhaps you could take a walk around the neighborhood if that's possible, and meet some new friends. back home, whenever there was a new neighbor, all of us would make a food dish to bring over to greet and welcome them with. but since you're the "new" neighbor, you could maybe switch things up and be the initiator? it's scary, i know, especially when you don't know how they're going to react. but my experience has been that if you approach them with a warm smile, they'll most likely smile back and be more than happy to meet and get to know you. that would be wonderful for you to meet new friends and get to spend face-to-face time with them. internet friendships are wonderful, but unfortunately we can't have a cup of tea together and chat, nor can we go for walks on sunny days (both things i would love to do!).

    as for your husband, that's wonderful that he's never negative in anyway. do you think he'd be comfortable playing a more active, rather than just neutral role? i'm sorry to hear he was diagnosed with cancer! i hope his health has been faring well. if he is up to the challenge, perhaps you could enlist him to be your personal "trainer/cheerer-upper" . i know i've always wanted a partner who could take me dancing or just out on a stroll or just sit in front of a fire or on the front porch with. even if you don't "vent," you could just sit and be together. cry if you feel like crying, yell if you feel like yelling, laugh, if you feel like laughing...

    i only wish there was someone i could share this with. it is hard, as you say. and usually once i'm alone, i just binge now. before i fell into the bingeing pattern, a little less than a year ago, i was the expert on being vigilant about food intake--never too much, better to err on the side of too little. but even then, i was sad. with other people, i could usually forget my sadness, but then when i was alone, it would come rushing at me, yet i had trouble letting it all out. so i would go be with people again. somehow by helping others i felt i needed less help myself. i've tried telling my parents, but they don't understand the depth of the issue, and since i'm away from home, they can't see it. but i don't really want them to understand, cuz my mother would only worry, and i definitely don't want that. as for my sister, how can i tell her? she is so stressed about work, and so different from me, in that food has never been a problem. she is super skinny and beautiful and loved by everyone. and so smart and put-together. sure she has her own issues, but i don't think she'd ever understand mine with food. and my friends. well, i don't know. i've tried to, but always stop myself. i just can't see myself putting this on them--and i'm just afraid it'll be a burden. but it is difficult. it's difficult every time one of them says they're going on a diet. it's difficult every time one of them feels guilty after eating a chocolate. it's difficult every time someone brings up the word calorie. it's difficult when they mention wanting to fast. it's difficult when they "go off" their diets, but don't really care, because they just don't need it the way i do. i've been on both sides--the restrictive (i hesitate to say, anorexic--you'll understand if you read my other thread) side, and now the uncontrollable side, where there are times i cannot wait to be alone so i can just eat. so yeah, it's difficult. but how will any of them be able to understand? they just don't take it so seriously. sure they may want to lose a few pounds, but they don't obsess over it. and what do i say when the subject comes up? don't think about it. please, don't go on a diet, don't count calories, just don't. but that's as far as i go. i think that's why i'm so impatient to start therapy, but at the same time nervous... because what if i'm not 'cured' right away? will they forgive me, and will i be able to be completely honest? i hope so.

    all right. well, i'm afraid if i write any more this will not be able to be posted. as always, take cares. i'm rooting for you, and so proud that you haven't given up! (if you read my post of the other thread, you'll see i fell again... hard.).

    sending happy thoughts your way to fill your todays and tomorrows with joy

    ~em

     
    Old 04-12-2004, 10:08 PM   #33
    dilemma
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    Talking Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Charlyssa
    Hi Moocheke!

    Welcome aboard our overeaters train! We here know EXACTLY what you are going thru and how you feel. As I've told others, try to take it one meal at a time. "Just for this meal" I will eat only healthy foods and I will not overeat. Don't think about the rest of the day or the rest of the week. I have been trying this but....I fell...as I stated in an earlier post. I got up, dusted myself off, and I'm back on. For how long??? Who knows. All we can do is keep trying, and keep fighting that inner voice that tells us to do what we know we shouldn't do. Hopefull we can find strenghth here on this board. It helps to know that others feel the same way, so post again, OK? We care!!!

    Hugs
    Char
    i agree with char. the most important thing right now is to forgive yourself and move on. put the past in the past and look forward. don't even think about failing--think positive thoughts!! you are stronger than you think, and can get through it!
    we're here for you whenever you need to talk.

     
    Old 04-13-2004, 12:15 PM   #34
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Hi Em -

    The Pam who made jam, hmmm? Got a chuckle out of that! Well, as long as my name reminds you of GOOD things, and not bad, that's the main thing!

    I have a very bad habit of staying on my own little thread, in my "comfort Zone" I guess you could could say. Oh, I do, on occasion, but I usually feel uncomfortable posting somewhere else, too, mainly because I fear people won'r be very interested in anything I have to say - some self-esteem issues, for sure!! Anyway, I didn't realize you had a thread, so I wandered over there and just read everything. You have some wise people giving you responses there.

    Unfortunately, I don't get as much out of therapy...in fact, very little....as others do. I even talked about that yesterday with Linda, my therapist, that after about a dozen or so visits, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and wasting her time, and mine. There are those who say, "Even when it doesn't seem as tho it's helping, it is!" REALLY!! I don't understand that, because, isn't the whole purpose of therapy to gain insights, help, and a way to get over, or past, that which is giving us so much grief??? I am no different than I was when I first started. I'm still prone to bingeing, I'm still somewhat depressed and still anxious, and I STILL don't know how to deal with any of it. I know 2 other people who are in therapy, and they BOTH say how wonderful it is and how much it helps them. I agree with one of them, but hers was mostly grief counselling after losing a loved one...but the other, who has been in therapy for TEN YEARS!!!! seems as...um...screwed up as ever, to me. They both tell me that I need to "open up more", and I have!! I can't open up more than I already have. It just doesn't help to "talk" all this out. I need direction, and therapists are reluctant to do that - they want you to find your own way. Well...if I could have done that I wouldn't need therapy, now would I??? I'm sorry, sweetie - I shouldn't be dumping all this on you the day before you have to start your own therapy!!! I'm probably giving you a very negative insight into therapy, so you should just ignore me!!! I wonder how YOU, being a psych major, will do in therapy. This ought to be very interesting!!! Honestly, I can't wait to hear your progress. Maybe I can learn from you. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. or, maybe I'm one of those people who therapy just doesn't help. So, this old lady is going to try to learn from you, OK??? (BTW, I think I won't use their emoticons anymore - I'm always being told I use too many and it's annoying!!)

    After hearing the things you have told me, and things you stated on your own thread, I see you and I are a lot alike. I'm seemingly always the advisor in friendships, too. I'm always being called on to help a couple of friends of mine thru various crises. I'm told I give good advice, not that I ever make them feel they must do as I say...it's always given as "Well, what I would do...", but then, always add the disclaimer, "But it's up to you, of course." The thing is, with me, I would like to talk to them about things that trouble ME sometimes...but, it seems that it's a one-way street. We can discuss them ad nauseum...but if I want to talk...they just don't seem at all interested - they have to go (these are all phone conversations because they both live where I used to live, in ILL.) There is virtually no reciprocity. I always feel as tho I'm more THEIR friend than they are MY friend, you know?? This is one of the main reasons I'm on a few different message boards, because on them, I finally have a voice, and I have the most kind and considerate and CARING people who respond. I think that's why we turn to these boards, because we either don't have anyone who truly understands, nor goes thru what we do...or, we don't feel comfortable sharing with those we know...which, I think, is mostly how it is with you...and like you, we don't think anyone else will care...or, we don't want to worry people, also, like you. But sweetie, you ned to tell someone. I can't stress this enough...and I don't just mean the therapist - it has to be someone who knows you, a sib, your parents, friends at school, SOMEONE!!!! It's time for you to worry and think about yourself, and not everyone else!! You could start with a friend there at college. I know you don't want to just dump it all on them at once - but sometime, you could start a conversation eating disorders - you don't have to say it's about YOU. You could even use that old trick - "I have a friend back home who......and I don't know how to help her." Eventually you couls casually mention that you have had "one or 2 issues with food, self-image....(whatever else you might want to add) yourself." Start low-key, you know? Work up to opening up more of a dialogue about it, feel them out for how they're responding, first. I am betting that you will find that these sorts of problems around campus are waaaay more prevalent than you think. You know??

    You mentioned in your other thread that you sort of don't know what the right size is, how will you know when you get there, or something like that. Well, I have no idea how tall you are or what you currently weigh, but how about starting with the height/weight tables that are posted in Dr. offices, on the web, etc. Let's, for example say you are 5'6" and weigh 140 - how does that "measure up" to the standard? If you are too heavy, use the lowest weight figure on the chart for your height, and use that as your goal. That would be your best weight by all recommended standards - then, you know that THAT is the weight that is right for you! How does that sound?? If and/or when you get to that weight, KNOW that that is a GOOD and healthy weight for you, no matter WHAT your image in the mirror is telling you!! Let me know what you think of that.

    Re the move here, would you believe that we moved here in '98??? And I still know no one....and that is entirely my fault. Too embarrassed about my weight, and don't forget the self-esteem issues, too. I only go out with my husband or son, because I have soo many physical problems, too, that I'd be a real pain for someone who doesn't know or can't understand what I go thru. At least, that's my perception. However wrong it may be.

    One more thing about therapy - yes, you need to be 100% honest, sweetie - believe me, they've heard it all before!! You can't be helped if they don't have a completely accurate picture of who you are, your feelings, etc. It will all take time, but I am sooooooooooooooo hoping you will find it enlightening and very helpful. You take care, OK? Write when you can. I care about you!!!

    Hugs
    Char

     
    Old 04-13-2004, 12:33 PM   #35
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Hi Char,
    Sorry to butt in. I just wanted to say that I always find what you say interesting. And I too often stay to my little threads as well. But it doesn't mean I don't care. I just don't always know what to say. I cannot relate to overeating, being as I am anorexic, but I can greatly empathise with how hard living with an eating disorder is. And I hope you all keep trying to get better too. Good Luck, I am sure your conversations are read by and have helped many people.
    Hugs from H xoxox
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    Old 04-13-2004, 01:20 PM   #36
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Aurora
    Hi Char,
    Sorry to butt in. I just wanted to say that I always find what you say interesting. And I too often stay to my little threads as well. But it doesn't mean I don't care. I just don't always know what to say. I cannot relate to overeating, being as I am anorexic, but I can greatly empathise with how hard living with an eating disorder is. And I hope you all keep trying to get better too. Good Luck, I am sure your conversations are read by and have helped many people.
    Hugs from H xoxox
    Hi Aurora!!

    How sweet, kind and thoughtful of you!! You are NOT butting in - the more the merrier, I always say! Sooo happy to hear from you and I hope you will drop in as often as you want. I always think I may be boring to people, being an older lady and all...but thank you so much for your kind words. You made my day!
    Yes, We all suffer from very diversified ED's...but the pain of them is all very similar. Like you, it's hard for me to relate to anorexia, the same way you probably have a difficult time understanding someone who just can't STOP eating!! Oy vay!!! I know you probably won't understand this but....I sooooo wish I could be more like you. I want to HATE food and I don't know how to do that. And please forgive me - I certainly do not want to offend you by saying that, because I know what you go thru is horrible. But I just don't know how to make food stop being my solution to everything, my stress tamer, my friend.....UGH!!!!1

    I would love to hear more from you, and I know Dilemma and Quencher (when she returns from FL) will too. They are the sweetest, kindest girls..and I hope you will come back to this thread, OK?? I care!!

    Hugs
    Char

     
    Old 04-13-2004, 11:08 PM   #37
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Thanks Char, you are a very lovely person. And as to your age, well there are all ages on these boards. I feel old sometimes because I am married and am virtually at the highest point of my career. But I'm only 23 so hopefully still got some years left in me yet. I have noticed that age is immaterial on here, there are some exceptionally smart teens on here and then some dumb peeps like me. Lol.
    You did not offend in the slightest with your comment about wanting to be more like me, but in reality I don't hate food. I probably wouldn't believe an anorexic who said they did. I am just too scared of being fat to eat much. Eating disorders make people obssessed with food, whether it be eating loads or eating none. Its very hard to hate it when its such an important part of your life. Or thats my personal take on the issue anyway. I do hate the obsession though.
    There is a lot of similarities between the way we obsess over food. I too run to food when stressed and I will use it to hurt myself more. I can take a chocolate muffin and stare at it for like an hour or so while I fight the internal battle over what to do with it. Inevitably it will end up in the bin, but for a while I will almost have eaten it. Almost but not quite, for I know that if a morsel of it passed my lips I would have to purge and then exercise heavily to atone for my sin.
    I could say that I wish I could eat more normally, but the truth is that underneath it I want to be like this. I don't like the side effects, I am signed off work and my heart is not doing so good, but I do like to know I made a whole day on zero cals or very few. But the logical part of myself knows that I will have to give it up or die. That battle is right around the corner for me. I hope I can make the right decision and meet it head on....
    But anyway, I am rambling on and you are probably very bored now. Sorry
    So tell me, how are you doing today? I know you are trying to take it a minute at a time and try and succeed for that minute before attempting the next. I hope you are doing ok.
    Hugs from H xoxo
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    Old 04-14-2004, 07:49 AM   #38
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    hey char!!

    well, i just got back from therapy--and i liked it, so hopefully i'll continue to like it. of course, it'll probably talk a LONG time before everything's figured out, but i have faith.

     
    Old 04-14-2004, 08:43 AM   #39
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    oops... clicked the wrong button!

    anyhow, so i was wondering if you could give me a brief rundown of what usually happens in your therapy session... that way i can see where you're coming from and if there's any way i can help you. listen to me... i go to one session, and already i think i'm an expert . actually, i was thinking of "shrinking" you the way i do with my friends when they come to me with issues... apparently it works for them, so maybe it'll work for you too?? *crossing fingers*. hopefully together we can heal your grief .

    regarding your phone conversations to friends... have you ever tried calling them and saying, "i know you are a busy person, and have a lot to do, but i really need a friend right now, just to listen--it's okay if you don't say anything or don't know what to do, just listen. can you do this for me?" the thing is, people are generally very self-centered, and if they think you're doing fine, or think of you as the 'advisor', it may not occur to them that you have issues and problems too. it may be that they think you're doing fine, and if you always put up a front, they won't know that it's just a front, and really take you seriously. it's kind of sad, but true. we live in a time-efficient and self-serving era, where if something doesn't seem to be 'worth' our time, many of us just choose to ignore/avoid/neglect it. but if you really let them know that you are struggling, i am sure they would be more than happy to help.

    as for moving and not going out and meeting people, it's completely understandable. staying home is just so easy to do. do you think you can try to be a bit less self-conscious? even if it's fake? what i mean is, try to go somewhere, anywhere where there are people you can approach/meet. perhaps a community meeting or other event? and then when you are there, and for every minute you are there, be confident! put a smile on your face and make yourself known to at least one new person. you can start simple and look for a wallflower of sorts. and just be your kind loving self--except you're now an extraverted kind loving self. don't be apologetic . you are who you are--and who you are is a beautiful, kind, caring, loving, all-around wonderful person--so be proud of it!! even if they shy away from you or appear to be 'rejecting' you in a sense. just ignore that and start up a conversation. introduce yourself, tell them you're from ILL., ask of any fun places to go, find out if they're from NV or the area or just visiting, anything!! but never stop smiling and being brave. i know you can do this! and trust me, when it works and you start talking, your self-esteem will just shoot up into the air . hehe. i'm serious though. just the ACT of being or acting like an "outgoing" person does wonders--it's psychologically proven.

    your suggestions about telling a friend are really good... i have thought about it, and do try to, but then back off. but i suppose maybe using the "i have a friend back home..." approach would be worth a shot. i'm just afraid i'd slip and say it was me. or that i'd be too transparent. however good i am about appearing happy and confident, i'm a terrible liar, unless i can convince myself it's not a lie. which probably isn't the healthiest thing to do. for some reason, i still want to keep this a secret. i don't know if it's out of embarrassment or a fear of rejection, or that they may not take it seriously enough and that i'll end up feeling misunderstood. i know... they are all silly reasons, but they still keep me from spilling my story. and it just seems that this subject is the one subject that is so unspoken about, at least among my friends. i mean, none of them really say anything about food--a couple of them often comment on their being "fat" or feeling "guilty" about eating, but it's not like those stereotypical female lunch conversations where everyone talks about how much they're eating or what they're ordering, etc. and then there's a friend who will comment on how much i'm eating. but only if it's "too little". so then i feel guilty about it, and feel the need to look like i'm eating a lot and then end up eating a lot, but then sometimes end up eating even more later on. so in some ways i think that if i tell them i'm suffering from EDs they'll be too conscious of what i put on my plate and that would just make every meal insufferable.

    as far as the size thing goes, i think it's just a matter of my self-esteem and body image. i mean, as i said before, i used to love my body. then that good feeling just went away. and has come back only in spurts ever since, but never for long, and never to stay. funny how everyone thinks i'm so secure and happy, isn't it? i've actually had people say that before they knew me, they were afraid to talk to me, because i 'intimidated' them. but now they know that i'm the least intimidating person there is.

    regarding your self-esteem issues--i hope you try what i suggested above. but maybe as a precursor... (okay i'm back in therapist mode) i want you to remember a time when you felt happy with yourself, proud to be you--maybe it was when you were still in grade school before you knew what it meant to be self-conscious, maybe it was when you got a perfect report card, or high school graduation, or the first time you heard the words "i love you", or your wedding day, or the births of your children, your first home--whatever it is, remember that feeling and be proud of yourself. smile, savor the memory, and how happy you were. and try to keep that feeling with you the rest of the day. .

    and the emoticons? i love them!

    have a wonderful day, jammin' pam!

    ~emma dilemma

     
    Old 04-14-2004, 02:01 PM   #40
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    Unfortunately, I don't get as much out of therapy...in fact, very little....as others do. I even talked about that yesterday with Linda, my therapist, that after about a dozen or so visits, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and wasting her time, and mine. There are those who say, "Even when it doesn't seem as tho it's helping, it is!" REALLY!! I don't understand that, because, isn't the whole purpose of therapy to gain insights, help, and a way to get over, or past, that which is giving us so much grief??? I am no different than I was when I first started. I'm still prone to bingeing, I'm still somewhat depressed and still anxious, and I STILL don't know how to deal with any of it. I know 2 other people who are in therapy, and they BOTH say how wonderful it is and how much it helps them. I agree with one of them, but hers was mostly grief counselling after losing a loved one...but the other, who has been in therapy for TEN YEARS!!!! seems as...um...screwed up as ever, to me. They both tell me that I need to "open up more", and I have!! I can't open up more than I already have. It just doesn't help to "talk" all this out. I need direction, and therapists are reluctant to do that - they want you to find your own way. Well...if I could have done that I wouldn't need therapy, now would I??? I'm sorry, sweetie - I shouldn't be dumping all this on you the day before you have to start your own therapy!!! I'm probably giving you a very negative insight into therapy, so you should just ignore me!!! I wonder how YOU, being a psych major, will do in therapy. This ought to be very interesting!!! Honestly, I can't wait to hear your progress. Maybe I can learn from you. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. or, maybe I'm one of those people who therapy just doesn't help. So, this old lady is going to try to learn from you, OK???
    Hey Char,
    Sorry to butt in and you can tell me to take a hike if you want too, but I just wanted to put in my two cents on Therapy. Different therapists have different styles and well, if Linda seems too hands off for you and you need more direction giving, then maybe you should think about finding another one. I know this may seem overwhelming, but I had to go through 3 therapists before I found the 4th one who helped me get my life back. They were all nice and qualified, but just didn't do it for me. One only wanted to discuss my "inner child" drove me nuts, one wanted to give me breathing techniques to use to deal with my anxiety and learning to breath was a big part of our sessions. UGH! Then the third was okay, but I felt as you do, that it did not seem to be helping, finally after a break from therapy all together I found the perfect match. And wow, what a difference. She was amazing and I owe her so much for what she has done for me. So before you give up on therapy all together think about what you need from your therapist and talk to your current one and see if she can give that to you, or maybe you need to look for another.

    Like I said you can ignore me, but food issues are too hard to try and deal with on your own. And I want to see everyone here recovered and living a life with more laughter and love than they thought possible.

    Good luck.
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    Old 04-14-2004, 02:25 PM   #41
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Hello all-- Charlyssa, Dilemma, etc.
    My family and I returned from Florida yesterday morning. Our plane was delayed because of a storm here in the NE and I was stranded in GA for 8 hours! Didn't go to bed until 3am, woke up around 6 for school, with a mild fever and cold, and boy am I POOPED. I haven't read any of the posts yet, nor do I the time to respond to them as of yet 'cause I've got OH so many things to do! It's the first day back at school, and I'm already PILED with homework!! Anyway, I'll try my best to catch up. Bear with me 'cause I'm a slow reader, haha. It's amazing how many new posts can appear over a six-day period. Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm back, that is, if you even noticed I was gone, haha. Anyway, I really missed talking with you guys. Unfortunately, I've failed yet AGAIN on my eating habits. More details to come 'cause I've got homework to do now. ttyl.
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    Old 04-14-2004, 04:33 PM   #42
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Charlyssa
    This is for both Janice and Dilemma -

    I just want you both to know you have brought me joy, and have brightened my life. I just finished reading both your posts and I'm still smiling. I feel as tho I have added 2 more daughters. it's nearly 10 pm girls (where I live, anyway, which is NV) so I'm pooped...but, I promise I'll be back "on board" tomorrow to answer your posts. Ooops, sorry for that. Old age!! Talk to you tomorrow!!

    Hugs!!
    Char
    Charlyssa, I have no words to describe you. Your words are beyond me. You are just fill of compliments. Like I said before, you are by far the kindest person I have ever met. Absolutely amazing. Thank you for that.
    Quote:
    I should say right up front that I dare not tell you what you should be eating and how many calories. I'm just a mom, not a Dr. I would THINK 1500 calories might be about right for a teen, especially if you're active, heck, maybe even a bit more. I wish I could remember what I read somewhere about how to calculate this according to your weight...but I don't, sorry!! If you lost weight before, tho, just do what you did then. Just nothing drastic, because you don't want to get sick. Maybe the best thing to do is just eat less of everything you would normally eat. I've heard that if you are "full" when you leave the table, you have eaten too much. And no snacks. Or soda pop, unless it's diet. Sometimes simple changes like that are all you need to do...and no desserts, of course. GASP!!!

    My youngens are a son, 29, and a daughter, 26...and I don't look old enough to have kids that old. I usually lie about their ages.
    1500? I go far beyond that!! Worst of all, I'm not active at all. I participate in absolutely no sports, and when I do, it's only for a few minutes at a time. I honestly cannot recall my eating habits during the summer that had caused me to lose weight. I just exercised an awful lot. And I was never bored or anything, so I really had no reason to eat more than I needed to. I don't know, I just felt like I was just on a row and high-spirited at the time. How I wish I can find that again. Soda I have no problem with, but it's the snacks that get to me. I can't get my hands off sweets-- candy, cookies, and the sort. It's yummy, haha.
    Quote:
    We had chicken last night, actually. My hub ate the dumplings, I didn't. Just chicken, cottage cheese and slad for me. Diets are not fun, and I soooo fear I will not be able to stand it much longer!!!!
    Chickens are our friends, too. But don't fear that you might not be able to stand it much longer! I know you will. We ALL know you will. You're on the right track and you're heading in the right direction, which means, you will, absolutely positively succeed sometime in the future. I guess these things just takes TIME. If only we can fast-forward without aging, huh?
    Quote:
    argh!! i'm so mad at myself today! the day was going great, the weather was amaaaaaaazing, and then at dinner i fell into my old habits again... i do try to put only healthy things on my plate, and i do try to stop at one helping, but then the little voice in my head has to go and ruin everything!!! it just won't keep quiet, and i feel like i should be chained or handcuffed to my chair so that i won't get up and get something else. actually, they might need to bolt the chair to the ground so as to prevent my dragging it up to the food . then after dinner, i had the urge to eat more. it's always after i overeat a little that i want to eat more. it's like i can't even think about food without wanting some, you know? and that's a really bad thing, cuz most of the time, i AM thinking about food. so i went to go get cookies and chocolate and now my teeth hurt and my stomach is yelling at me. *sigh*. i know i need to try harder. and i know i should stay positive, but sometimes i just don't want to. no, i take that back. i DO want to, but how do i make my actions and thoughts agree with what's in my heart? how can i do what's best for myself and my body? . it's so silly. here i am giving advice on how to avoid bingeing, but when it comes to myself, i just go for it. i'm walking up to get more food in the dining hall, or i'm walking to the store to buy food, and on my way, i'm thinking, you know you don't need this. you're not even hungry. you don't even LIKE the food. WHY ARE YOU GOING UP AND GETTING MORE?? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN YOUR MOUTH? but i ignore all of that, and it's like i'm almost eating to shut the thoughts up. but i just want to know what's wrong with me, and what is making me WANT to eat in the first place. it's soooo hard. especially here at school, where i feel no one really understands. and i keep up a pretty good pretense, always smiling, and being helpful. but inside, i'm all questions. and i feel so guilty. why am i not happy? content? i have so much. a good family, parents who love me, an amazing older sister, friends both here and at home who care about me, i'm in college--learning and being exposed to so much and have so many opportunities. so why do i constantly feel like i need to fill myself up? why am i never satisfied with myself? do i even KNOW what i want? . don't worry, i start therapy next week--my first appointment is wednesday. and i'm a bit scared. but at the same time, can't wait to get started. it's like a part of me doesn't want to let go of the bad habits, you know? but then every other part is dying to break free!! it's hard for me to just go on a diet. i mean, i do want to lose this excess weight. but last year i had trouble even then. i lost a lot of weight but still wasn't "satisfied", i look at pictures now and think, wow i looked great. yet at the time, i still thought i was "fat". actually, not fat but also not thin enough. it was getting to be a different form of bad habit. but now i wish i had it back. no, i don't--i just want to be normal again, whatever that means. because no matter how big or small we get, nothing will make us happy until we love ourselves inside and out. i know that now. do you think working on the "self-love" and getting that will get rid of the eating problem automatically? perhaps it's wishful thinking. but i just want to stop having these negative thoughts.
    Emma- my goodness. You must be my long lost twin somewhere-- only you're five years older. But anyway, I can relate to everything you said. Everything. Your monologe has sadden me and touched me greatly. Don't be mad at yourself. It's okay. Just get up, and try again. It's no use to get angry at yourself 'cause that'll only make you feel worse and that can't be healthy now, can it?
    Quote:
    thanks for your advice. and don't starve yourself!! . anyhow, if only i could limit myself to one plate. and read above about the eating slowly thing. maybe if i tell myself i'm just doing it for fun. hmm... why don't we do that? you, me, and char. let's tell ourselves that just for this next week, we're going to try and eat as slowly as possible just for the heck of it. and at the end of each meal or snack, if we've really eaten as slowly as possible--i'm talking 22 chews per bite and a 5 second pause between to sip water--we'll give ourselves something (a dollar, a sticker, a hug). then at the end of the week, we can treat ourselves to something bigger--like a massage or a hot tub. (haha... i only wish i could get either of those). but you know what i mean, right? if we think of it as a game, it might not be as torturous.
    Wow, some game, haha. I'll be surprised if I didn't quit after the first round. It's like the opposite Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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    Old 04-14-2004, 04:35 PM   #43
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    oh dear, you do have a tiny problem with the privacy. but maybe you can go outside and just yell your head off? haha.. they might think you're crazy then, too. but you could put headphones on and pretend you're listening to and singing along to some song. . or just spin yourself until you're dizzy and fall down with the world spinning around you!! (hey, i should try that myself! )
    Haha. Sounds like fun. Only, I don't think I've got the guts to scream that loud in the city. Then again, I haven't the guts to do many other things either.
    Quote:
    i don't know if you'll be able to read this while you're there, but just know that you are beautiful--i know we've never met, but just reading your posts tells me you're a pretty cool person, and cool people are beautiful just because. . i hope you find a way to have fun down there. just be happy for the weather. i'm in the northeast right now, and we were happy to be in the upper 50's.
    Awww. Thank you SO much. If only I felt that way about myself. I live in the NE to. Where in the NE are you?
    Quote:
    I have no self-restraint. NONE!!!!!!!!! Because........I fell last night, and I fell hard......meaning, off the diet wagon. The ice cream SCREAMED at me from the freezer!!!! I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry at myself!!!! And I feel so bad, because now I feel like I've failed you girls, too. I feel that, because I'm old enough to be your mothers, that I should be setting a good example here...and I've wanted to help you girls more than I have even wanted to help myself. In fact, that maybe by helping you both, I could help myself, too. You girls are sooo young, you have long and happy lives ahead of you.
    Don't worry, Char. It happens, and we understand. And please, PLEASE do not feel that you have failed us!! Don't even think of it! You have NOT failed us, nor have you failed yourself. People fall, it happens. Don't be too hard on yourself, and try not to get mad. I know it's hard, but try. Just 'cause you're older doesn't mean you're obligated to be perfect. We understand. By trying, you're already setting an example for us. That's enough for us to follow.
    Quote:
    I'm sooooooooo upset!! I wrote you a very long post and apparently lost my internet connection because it wouldn't submit. So, getting the connection back meant losing the whole post.!!!
    Aw man, I can't begin to tell you how many times that has happened to me. And words always seem to come out worse the second time around, too!
    Quote:
    I think the name Charlyssa is pretty, too...but entirely made up. My name is Pamela, or Pam. Beautiful?
    Yes, Charlyssa is a very pretty name. I like Pamela too. I have a confession to make myself. My name isn't really Janice, haha. It's a pseudonym which I chose to use purposely for these boards, my signature says "Y'all can call me Janice." But it isn't my real name. I don't think I want to give my real name yet. Not because I don't want you guys to know or that I have anything to hide from you guys, but I'm just afraid that someone I know will come on over, read my posts, and identify me as me, and I merely don't want other people to know, you know? I'm making no sense, I know.
    Quote:
    and usually once i'm alone, i just binge now. before i fell into the bingeing pattern, a little less than a year ago, i was the expert on being vigilant about food intake--never too much, better to err on the side of too little. but even then, i was sad. with other people, i could usually forget my sadness, but then when i was alone, it would come rushing at me, yet i had trouble letting it all out. so i would go be with people again. somehow by helping others i felt i needed less help myself.
    Yeah, same with me. It's only when I'm alone, and sometimes when my brother is in the room, as well. Who binges when other people are watching anyway? And don't worry, you'll find someone sooner or later! Everyone does, don't they? You're such a great person, who WOULDN'T love you? I'm sure if you talked to someone, they would be more than happy to listen to you. By the way, how did your first meeting with the therapist go? Remember to keep us updated!

    Aurora: Please don't talk about dying. I KNOW you have and will be able to find the courage to stop your anorexia. The side effects of ANY disorder is malicious, but just try to hang on and try to find the strength to overcome it. I believe in you and everyone else on these boards.

    Sorry if my responses were stupid, short, mediocre, juvenile, full of grammar errors, or even ignorant. (This is me talking like a 10 year old, haha) But I have to admit that happens when there's too much to respond to at once. I REALLY need to learn to take things one step at a time, one post by one post, but I just want to finish!!!

    Sorry if I didn't respond to some things. I really DO care, and I want to comment on everything and offer input and whatnot, but it's too much for me. I'm just so tired.
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    Last edited by Quencher; 04-14-2004 at 06:03 PM.

     
    Old 04-14-2004, 06:20 PM   #44
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Aurora
    Thanks Char, you are a very lovely person. And as to your age, well there are all ages on these boards. I feel old sometimes because I am married and am virtually at the highest point of my career. But I'm only 23 so hopefully still got some years left in me yet. I have noticed that age is immaterial on here, there are some exceptionally smart teens on here and then some dumb peeps like me. Lol.
    You did not offend in the slightest with your comment about wanting to be more like me, but in reality I don't hate food. I probably wouldn't believe an anorexic who said they did. I am just too scared of being fat to eat much. Eating disorders make people obssessed with food, whether it be eating loads or eating none. Its very hard to hate it when its such an important part of your life. Or thats my personal take on the issue anyway. I do hate the obsession though.
    There is a lot of similarities between the way we obsess over food. I too run to food when stressed and I will use it to hurt myself more. I can take a chocolate muffin and stare at it for like an hour or so while I fight the internal battle over what to do with it. Inevitably it will end up in the bin, but for a while I will almost have eaten it. Almost but not quite, for I know that if a morsel of it passed my lips I would have to purge and then exercise heavily to atone for my sin.
    I could say that I wish I could eat more normally, but the truth is that underneath it I want to be like this. I don't like the side effects, I am signed off work and my heart is not doing so good, but I do like to know I made a whole day on zero cals or very few. But the logical part of myself knows that I will have to give it up or die. That battle is right around the corner for me. I hope I can make the right decision and meet it head on....
    But anyway, I am rambling on and you are probably very bored now. Sorry
    So tell me, how are you doing today? I know you are trying to take it a minute at a time and try and succeed for that minute before attempting the next. I hope you are doing ok.
    Hugs from H xoxo
    Hi Aurora -

    Good to see you back! And I seeI have been slacking off as I have others to answer, too. Every one of you is important to me - I'm starting to feel like a mother hen to all my "chicks"! lol

    You are right - we are all obssessed with food, just in different ways. And yes, we all require food to eat...that's why I've often felt I wish I had some other addiction, that would be a lot easier to keep out of the house! I notice one difference, tho - you have the ability to throw that muffin away. THAT is the kind of self-control I am sooooo trying to find! But which, thus far, seems to be illuding me. Sighhhh Anyway, I hope you will keep dropping in because we care. Maybe we just all need to keep picking each other's brains, so that perhaps we can, collectively, start coming up with answers...or that is my fondest wish, anyway. We most DEFINITELY don't want....something to happen to you!! Please, please, come here and talk out whatever is going on with you. We want you to WANT to be well, and at least, to eat enough to maintain your weight. Are you at least doing that?? I hope so!! Please come talk to me/us ANYtime, OK. We soooo care!!

    Hugs
    Char (Pam)

     
    Old 04-14-2004, 08:20 PM   #45
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    Re: Anyone a compulsive overeater??

    Hi Emma, Quencher and Aurora -

    I am soooo behind on addressing you girls. I was going to take them in order, but I think I got OUT of order somehow. Anyway, I had just typed a very long post to you, Em, and I think it was too long, it wouldn't post, and it erased it! This happened once before and it makes me so angry. I have things to say to all of you, but it's late and I'm thinking I probably won't get to all of you tonight, but I'm going to try!! For now, i'm just going to post this then try again...so you will at least know I'm here, haven't forgotten my girls, haven't abandoned you, OK?? Talk to you all soon

    Hugs
    Char

     
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