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    Old 03-22-2019, 07:16 AM   #1
    Spacegal
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    Unhappy Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Hi all,

    Posting here as a last resort in advice. About 2 weeks ago partner's snoring became louder and he ended up being ill with cold/cough. He's always been abit noisy snoring at times, being restless and slight cough at times due to smoking. I have near to always got by and slept. And I know some people wouldn't at the level it was all the years we been together lol. But since 2 weeks ago its been horrible. Last week I was going to bed very late shattered, and him going earlier than norm and getting up when I went bed and some occasions my daughter has been more to her dads overnight so can have her room to sleep.
    His cold/cough is better than it was but still not like he was before all this. It never wakes him up, not even coughing. Its got to the point now where he says he is worrying and I am too plus now anxiety and dreading bedtime. I went to bed last night after 3 night break of not sleeping together and believing that would be back to normal but he woke me up 2x and that was that. Each time I had literally only just dozed off. Now with the worry on top I feel its adding to the prob so I will be laying there wide awake waiting to be woken up now! What makes it worse is he doesn't think there is a prob and even insinuated that I had got used to sleeping alone and doesn't believe that all I want is to get back to normal together at night just cos I can't sleep with him at mo. Daughter is away this weekend anyway at her Dads and partner already saying about sleeping seperate cos he wants me to sleep but at mo I feel like its prolonging things instead of trying to work through it? Am so tired, it made me ill for days as I suffer with allergies and other probs like menopause that totally exhaust me at times so this on top.........am ending up trying to get a nap in the day at times when I rather be getting on with things. Any advice, please help? How do we get over this and what is the best way? I keep reading about sleeping seperate rooms on sleep advice pages if can't, sleep but we don't wish to do this and we don't have a spare room anyway! Just the longer its now going on, the more damage it is doing to me mentally and physically specially after last night. Lol he will still sleep even if he is worried!
    Thanks

     
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    Old 03-22-2019, 07:59 AM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Dear Spacegal,

    There is no incentive whatsoever for him to change anything on his end. My advice is take care of your own needs on your own. To have a healthy relationship that is what both partners need to do. It seems that you have had proof for years that he doesn't have to change at all for you.

    Keep your own place and sleep there or get a place with your own bedroom. Keep dating him if you wish, but face it that he is not going to change. You need to take care of your own needs. Give to your self.

    To have a healthy relationship that is what both partners need to do. We can't make others accommodate our needs. That is up to us.
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    Old 03-22-2019, 03:48 PM   #3
    Spacegal
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by yayagirl View Post
    Dear Spacegal,

    There is no incentive whatsoever for him to change anything on his end. My advice is take care of your own needs on your own. To have a healthy relationship that is what both partners need to do. It seems that you have had proof for years that he doesn't have to change at all for you.

    Keep your own place and sleep there or get a place with your own bedroom. Keep dating him if you wish, but face it that he is not going to change. You need to take care of your own needs. Give to your self.

    To have a healthy relationship that is what both partners need to do. We can't make others accommodate our needs. That is up to us.
    Hi, thanks for your reply.
    It not that easy to just get a place. Got own house now which had exactly a year today funnily enough and daughter would hate to move again. We've moved so many times in past, she has to be settled first and foremost.
    He did go Drs once years ago, even when he weren't so bad with snoring, bought home one of those machines with mask but not only did he not like it but I couldn't sleep with the sound of that going on all night. Obviously you did not know this as I didn't post about that in the past, just not sure how you can say he's not going to change or not got no incentive.
    I asked him about going Drs earlier today and he said he would if no better. Got weekend to get through first.
    And we are past dating, we live together and have for 8 years. I wouldn't want to go back to just dating as in Boyfriend/Girlfriend without living together and neither would he. Perhaps I got you all wrong as not sure I fully understand your reply. But appreciate that you posted. At mo I have anxieties over it but that's not his fault that's mine, just cos its got in my head now. He offered to sleep seperately just so I could get a decent nights sleep while daughter is away anyway but I chose no.

     
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    Old 03-22-2019, 05:10 PM   #4
    yayagirl
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Dear Spacegal,

    I'm not saying you have to like the situation. I wouldn't like it either.

    I can understand the cost and inconvenience, but that is the price, that's all. Change isn't easy and we can only change ourselves. We can't change what others need or do. Just as you mentioned, we each have our own priorities. If you can't change anything it looks like you are stuck with this.
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    Old 03-23-2019, 10:06 AM   #5
    Spacegal
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by yayagirl View Post
    Dear Spacegal,

    I'm not saying you have to like the situation. I wouldn't like it either.

    I can understand the cost and inconvenience, but that is the price, that's all. Change isn't easy and we can only change ourselves. We can't change what others need or do. Just as you mentioned, we each have our own priorities. If you can't change anything it looks like you are stuck with this.
    To be honest if ever we split he would leave as it is my house. Dunno why I said what I said except that I was over tired. But don't think its a good enough reason to split with anyone due to just sleep issues. For another bedroom would poss have to go back to renting. Anyway am not sure I am stuck with this. Too early to say yet. He still getting over his bug or whatever its been which is why the past two weeks have been worse. And he was getting up in night to let me sleep when he was ill. Whether I wanted him to or not. The only thing that can change is him not smoking as he does wheeze at night and have noticed that and his snoring declines somewhat when he's cut right down. We agreed before I started posting that he would try and quit and same for me. Its not easy though. Even though I don't smoke many. And he has said h will go drs if no better. I can't ask him to change more than that as I said we both hated the machine mask thing lol. Last night did get some sleep with him. So maybe that part is going to settle abit. Least he is prepared to try. As its rather come across from you that he is not gonna change even after I had said neither of us don't like the mask machine. Sorry forget its actual name.

     
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    Old 03-23-2019, 10:22 AM   #6
    yayagirl
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Dear Spacegal,

    To me, acceptance of how things are at the time does not mean they will never change. It's a sign of a good relationship that he is willing to sleep apart when you need to get rest. There is no judgment of either of you.

    A good life requires being able to adjust to whatever is needed at the time. You both seem like thoughtful and appreciative persons. Life is just not perfect. There will always be times that give and take are needed. Adjustments in life can be difficult to accept. That is normal.
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    Old 05-04-2019, 04:48 PM   #7
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    The man has a breathing problem, they gave him a cpap for it!!! He should be using it, as my doc explained causes the ventricles to expand when you stop breathing and can lead to heart failure. It screws up insulin levels and can become diabetic. Like smoking, it's a long road to body failure, only a fool ignores signs and symptoms along the way.

    No one like cpap at first. You make a commitment to making it work and it will.

    If he won't use, or you can't take the noise - just sleep in another room. For goodness sakes I'm blown away that you would complain about the noise of necessary medical treatment. It takes grit and determination to use a cpap machine, you shouldn't be another variable in the equation.

    If it was very long ago that he was diagnosed the machines are getting smaller and quieter and the headgear less obtrusive. I can now sleep on my side, I could't do that with cpap for 14 years.

     
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    Old 05-04-2019, 08:04 PM   #8
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Spacegal I work with a sleep dr on my sleep, here is the list of to dos for me.

    1. low light after 9pm
    2. 5-8mg melatonin (I work nights so my circadian rhythm is off)
    3. hot shower 20min before bed
    4. no caffeine or naps after 2pm
    5. no screens after 9pm
    6. if you can't fall asleep after 45 min, get up and keep environment low light
    7. go to bed and get up at the same time each day

    I have found that working out 6 days a week helps with sleep. If I do wake up at night I drink a decaf coffee with lots of cream and have a cheese stick, I put rain sounds on and read until I feel sleepy again.

    If you go outside and have the sun hit your eyes when you first wake up, it sets up the circadian rhythm to secrete melatonin in 16 hrs, when you should be going to bed.
    HTH

     
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    Old 05-05-2019, 06:41 AM   #9
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    How about getting him to a doctor to have a sleep study done and get him a Cpap machine? If he is concerned, he should be willing to go.

    My husband has horrible allergies, and works outside...during allergy season I lose sleep regularly- he wont go to the doctor.

    I have him using snore strips- taking allergy medicine- and washing his nose and sinus's out with saline- it helps...but there are times when its still bad.

    I either sleep on the couch or use ear plugs.

    Good luck!
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    Old 05-05-2019, 09:45 AM   #10
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    The newer CPAPs are smaller and quieter. He needs to see his doctor again to get a current assessment. And the nasal strips do work well for many. An easy and cheap thing to try.

     
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    Old 05-06-2019, 09:10 AM   #11
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    kick him to the couch.....of course he doesn't want that, it's not affecting him....he's sleeping like a baby.
    He needs a cpap machine.....whether he likes it or not.....
    his life could depend on it.
    separate rooms aren't bad, at least you would get some sleep

     
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    Old 05-06-2019, 10:08 AM   #12
    yayagirl
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    Dear Spacegal,

    You don't need to split up, just split where you sleep. I agree that sleep issues is not a good enough reason to split. If the space were small, I have happily slept on the couch and so has he. We each have our own health needs so now that we have more bedrooms we each have our own rooms. We only sleep together when we choose. I'm sure that you can talk it out and come up with a way to give you relief.

    Hugs,
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    Old 05-06-2019, 02:51 PM   #13
    Spacegal
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    I do not have a sleep issue lol. I do not have insomnia.

     
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    Old 05-06-2019, 02:53 PM   #14
    Spacegal
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    The couch isn't very comfy to be honest.

     
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    Old 05-06-2019, 02:56 PM   #15
    Spacegal
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    Re: Can't sleep with partner now? Big issue

    At mo he is trying nasal spray and nose strips as advised at the chemists. And said he's going to quit smoking.

     
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