I've smoked since I was 15 and I'm now 30. Throughout my life, my smokes have been my most reliable friend, always there when you need em, and in the worst case, just around the corner at the gas station.
I'm here just like everyone else that shows up.. I am thinking about quitting smoking. Giving up my best friend, my companion, my lifelong safety blanket.
The problem is, I really do rely on smoking. I love that when everyone else complains they are gaining weight, I can still put on the clothes I wore when I was 15. Who needs food when you have a cigarette in your hand? I love the comfort of that white filter snuggled between my fingers when I'm just cruising down the highway listening to a good jam and the way that smoke rolls off my lips when I'm singing along with it. I love how when my coworkers are being b#$%es that I get to look forward to my lunch break when that pack of smokes is waiting for me to join her and take that edge off. I love when it's an absolutely perfect summer day and I get to kick my feet up on a lawn chair and just smoke and relax. Who doesn't love just the picture of that in their mind? My husband is gone quite a bit for work and I do replace him with a cigarette; attention speaking. I devout the time I would generally spend with him to smoking when he's gone, I love cigarettes for the boredom fix they give me.
I know. We sound like the perfect pair, Marlboro Lights and me. Here's the thing though.. Just like most perfect pairs.. There is no such thing as perfect. My best friend is trying to poison me over time and I'm allowing it!
I attempted to quit several times with no success. I've always hated the idea of smoking as far as health is concerned. I hate the smell of smoke. I have asthma, so I wish I could know what it feels like to breathe air with lungs not affected by tar like I used to... I don't remember what that was like. I am a running and work out fanatic but lately the smoking has really started to slow me down. On top of it all, there are enough bad things that can happen to a person to end their life too early, why cause cancer instead of avoid it?
Anyway, the answer is: To quit. I did 4- going on 5 days ago. Completely cold turkey. I came down with a horrible flu and couldn't stomach the idea of going outside to smoke so I didn't. Two days of flu and non-smoking and I decided I could just as well quit. It hasn't been a pretty breakup. I get a mild fever every night, I can't sleep, those cravings.. ooohh she really had her nicotine drenched claws into me. But then again I've brought my best friend everywhere with me still. Her little pack of sweetness goes for rides in the car, in my purse, on my coffee table, outside on the porch.. Just so I don't feel so alone. Or at least that's what I'm telling Miss Marlboro. The truth is, I think I like the feeling of those smokes I depended on for so long being right there within a seconds reach, but I just don't need to reach for them. I've found my independence. I'm ready to live a full life without that crutch.
Maybe it's because I know we aren't really over.
I promised her I'd smoke a pack the week I turn 90, lung cancer free. Just because, at that point, what would it really matter anyway?!
