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    Old 06-09-2003, 01:21 AM   #1
    Join Date: Jan 2003
    Location: St Catharines, Ontario, Canada
    Posts: 576
    joprud HB User
    Post More jokes..............

    We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
    - If quitters never win, & winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
    - I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
    - If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
    - Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
    - If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
    - If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
    Doesn’t it bug you when people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
    You Know You're Having A Bad Day When...
    -Your children's school calls to surrender.
    -You're so bored you play hide & seek alone.
    -People give you the senior citizen discount and you're only 37.
    -The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.
    -Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
    -You call your wife and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
    Let's say you are staying in a mental hospital and they give you a bag of marbles to play with. If you lost the bag, how would you explain it?
    Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

    Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

    Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
    When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

    If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

    Goodnight All

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    Old 06-09-2003, 01:23 AM   #2
    Join Date: Jan 2003
    Location: St Catharines, Ontario, Canada
    Posts: 576
    joprud HB User

    What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Training Manuals
    Here's an easy game to play.
    Here's an easy thing to say:

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
    And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
    Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

    You can't say this?
    What a shame sir!
    We'll find you
    Another game sir.

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
    Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
    That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
    So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
    Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
    And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
    Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
    Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!


    Old 06-09-2003, 01:24 AM   #3
    Join Date: Jan 2003
    Location: St Catharines, Ontario, Canada
    Posts: 576
    joprud HB User

    This is an actual bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
    Dear Sir:
    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

    Now that's a bad day!!!


    Old 06-09-2003, 10:32 AM   #4
    janie francine
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    Location: Manchester, NH, US
    Posts: 154
    janie francine HB User

    Hi Joanne,
    I'm absolutely hysterically laughing! and
    Thanks for making another gray, rainy day in New England better.

    Old 06-09-2003, 12:07 PM   #5
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    Location: Mich, USA
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    Great Joanne!! I heard the brick layer story before, but it's still funny!!

    -Born a premie in 1964-8 wks early
    -C-section 1990, 1992, & 1995
    -Shoulder pain since 2000
    -C4-C5 bone spurs causing central canal stenosis. Annular tear.
    -C5-C6 mild narrowing of canal.
    -C6-C7 disc bone spur and annular tear.
    -C7-T1 bone spur and annular tear.
    -No surgery;I'm not bad enough yet!

    Old 06-09-2003, 12:26 PM   #6
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Posts: 215
    Memer HB User

    Thanks, Joanne. I love the jokes. The first ones remind me of George Carlin. Remember him?

    [This message has been edited by Memer (edited 08-05-2003).]

    Old 06-09-2003, 09:20 PM   #7
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    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Location: NW Vermont
    Posts: 163
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    Apr 03 C5 corpectomy C4-C6 strut graft with titanium
    May 03 Heart Attack, Balloon Angioplasty & Stent implanted
    Apr 2010 sched for ACDF and laminectomy & stabilize C3 (maybe C2) to C7

    Closed Thread

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