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  • Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress



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    Old 10-07-2015, 03:16 PM   #1
    darkkprincesss
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    Unhappy Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    I have a family member that is suffering from dementia, I got volunteered to be the care giver during the day so that the spouse can work. I never intended to do this, not because Im a terrible person, but I have kids at home that I homeschool, and a large family to take care of. It is getting to be more than I can handle! I do my best to take care of everyone, but Im wearing really thin. And no time for myself, Monday thru Friday, Im a care giver for 12 hours a day, along with schooling my kids, which entails keeping a spotless house, or else the loved one with dementia gets into everything!!! I dont take care of them on the weekends, but saturdays are full, running errands I cant run during the week, taking care of school work, trying to catch up on laundry and housework, then sunday's are spent at church, and making sure everything is ready to go for monday morning. At first it wasn't so bad, the loved one would watch tv or color, and it was fairly easy, but it's gotten worse, now they wont sit at all, constantly getting into everything, and this week, I have cleaned up Pee or poop every single day this week. Im at my wits end, and I know some of you will say, to just tell them I cant do it anymore. But nobody in my family listens to me, if i say i cant do it, it will be as if i never said anything. UGHHHHHH, just want to scream! And leave my house!!!!!!!!! I feel like a prisoner in my own home

     
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    Old 10-08-2015, 12:48 PM   #2
    mim77
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    Re: Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    You're going to need to stand up for yourself and let the other family members know that they need to do their part. If that means you have to drop this person at their doorstep, then so-be-it. How does this family member get to your house? Do you have to pick them up or does someone else drive them over? Stop picking them up and stop letting other people bring that person to your house. You're already burning the candle at both ends by being a mother. You can't be a people-pleaser 24/7 and preserve your sanity at the same time. You're going to need to get some backbone and draw some boundaries or your children will suffer.

     
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    Old 10-09-2015, 02:52 AM   #3
    MSNik
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    Re: Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    I agree. And, your family needs to realize that Dementia takes certain training which you are not qualified for. Cleaning up after someone is the least of the disease...please stand up for yourself and tell them that you are not equipped for this. Your own family and kids shouldnt have to suffer.
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    Old 10-09-2015, 12:02 PM   #4
    darkkprincesss
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    Re: Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    They live next door, and walk them over in the mornings. If I stop, the family member that works will likely loose their job :/ That is the reason I am struggling with this decision, I know I am not going to be able to continue to do this, but at the same time, it's kind of a delicate situation.

     
    Old 10-09-2015, 02:03 PM   #5
    Harri3t
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    Re: Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by darkkprincesss View Post
    They live next door, and walk them over in the mornings. If I stop, the family member that works will likely loose their job :/
    No, they won't if you live in the US and the family member qualifies for and applies for work leave under the family medical leave act (FMLA). That entitles workers to 12 weeks/ year to care for a loved one and legally protects their job. The time does not have to be taken all at one time. For instance they could use 1 or 2 days a week which would stretch the leave out to around a year. This could be a compromise of sorts to give you a few days off.

    There is also the possibility of adult day care which the family would have to pay for but I'd assume the demented family member is receiving some sort of assistance either through SSI or SS so there should be some funds available to pay for it. Maybe this could also be used a few times a week to bring down costs but also allow you a break a few days a week. If the person is elderly you may want to check to see what services may be available through your local area office on aging.

    Do you have a spouse or a pastor that could support you in this? If you have no support and the situation is that stressful, you will need to find the strength to advocate for yourself and your children because it is not only you that suffers but also your kids. I don't understand how you and they can get anything out of homeschooling if you and they are not able to concentrate on their studies. So last but not least, if you absolutely must care for this family member, perhaps sending your children to school would be one way to relieve you of some responsibility. The need for (or threat of ) that may be one way to leverage the situation in your favor.

    Nothing will change if you don't stand up for yourself and let others know that you cannot be expected to take on such a burden when your plate is already so full. I would wish you luck but you're going to need more than luck to solve this. Instead I wish you all the best.

    Last edited by Harri3t; 10-09-2015 at 02:05 PM.

     
    Old 10-10-2015, 06:52 AM   #6
    darkkprincesss
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    Re: Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    thank you, for the information, I didnt know about the time off, however he just recently started the job, less than 3 months ago, so Im not sure but will mention it to him. As for the dept. on aging she is only in her 50's . The homeschooling, we somehow manage to get that taken care of because my kids are my number one priority, and public school is not an option, as one of them is autistic and had a lot of problems in public school and is doing a 10000x better in homeschool environment. I do have a husband who supports me, and want's me to just stop watching her all together, but I am afraid I will be causing so many problems for them if i stop watching her. It's kind of a tightrope situation. Although, yesterday, I think I reached then end of my rope, and I think I will be telling him this weekend, that I will watch her for a couple of weeks more, so he can find someone else. It's so frustrating. I spent ALL day yesterday cleaning my house, because I cant stand it smelling bad, I cleaned my carpets, just a good all around CLEAN, and within an hour of getting done, there it was, just dropped drawers and let it go, pee'd all over my floor, luckily it was on tile, but still frustrating. Im just not equipped to take care of her like a health care professional would be. Sorry, just really needed to vent this morning

     
    Old 10-10-2015, 08:27 AM   #7
    Harri3t
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    Re: Losing all of myself and overloaded with stress

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by darkkprincesss View Post
    I am afraid I will be causing so many problems for them if i stop watching her. It's kind of a tightrope situation.
    As opposed to what? All the problems you are causing for yourself, your kids and your family because you won't say no? And I say you because no one can *volunteer* you to do something you do not want to or cannot do. If you were forced into doing this by someone else, then that someone else also needs to be talked to. Perhaps they should be more involved in caring for this individual themselves.

    If your kids are your number one priority then make them that. I can understand wanting to help out to a point and if you can do so a few days a week or as an emergency backup, then do so. If you are that stressed out, talk to your family member ASAP. Giving them a few weeks time to make other arrangements sounds reasonable. Take your husband along for added support but whatever you do do not allow yourself to be used in this manner. Like I said before, your plate is already full and probably fuller than must of us.

    In the remaining weeks left, some problem solving suggestions of mine would be to toilet your family member every 2 hours to try to avoid the situations you related. You might also suggest caring for them at the the family members home where things are more familiar to them including the bathroom. That might cut down on the mess in general and would certainly keep your house cleaner.

    Again, wishing you all the best.

    Last edited by Harri3t; 10-10-2015 at 08:29 AM.

     
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