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  • I still miss you Ry-De

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    Old 03-22-2005, 09:05 AM   #1
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    I still miss you Ry-De

    My name is Kim and this is about the day I lost my Ryan Dean.

    I woke up because my 2 yr old son, Scottie had gotten up (all of us know you don't let a 2 yr old run around by themselves). We were playing and watching Sesame Street. About 9am on Dec 7, 1992, I heard my then husband get up and asked him to check on Ryan who was still sleeping. He had had a very restless night because he had a cold. My husband came running out of the room screaming for me to come quick. I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I ran to him and there was my lifeless son in his arms, blue and yet still warm. I called 911 and they rushed to my house...I was trying to keep Scottie back so he would not see them working on trying to revive Ryan, however little Scottie was having none of that. He would not leave. Next thing I knew is the paramedics were saying they had to rush him to the hospital where they worked for almost an hour at trying to revive my baby boy. The doctor came into the little chapel where we were and told me that he tried everything he could to bring back my precious boy. He was crying with me as he held me. I began to beat on his chest and my husband was trying to make me stop. The doctor told him to leave me alone and let me do what I had to do. I fell to me knees begging to call my parents who lived in Maryland (we were in Missouri, ex was in the Air Force). I called and my Momma and Daddy were on the phone and I had to tell them that their grandson was gone. My Daddy gasped and my mother screamed. All I could do was cry. My son Scott was with my ex's first sergeant. I don't even remember walking out of the hospital and going back to the house. I remember being there and not being able to talk, cry or move. I sat and did nothing. I was lost, so very lost. Next thing I knew was I was back at the hospital screaming that I did not want to be there where my son was pronounced dead. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills that did NOT work. The next day I had more people at my house than I care to remember. My Dad was working on the funeral arrangements back in Maryland. He called to let me know it was all being taken care of and I had nothing to worry about. I had to call and give the ok to send my baby home to be buried where I knew he would be safe. My ex husband kept telling me through all this to shut up and quit crying....he was dead and gone. (Ex was super abusive to me). Next step was to deal with the Air Forces OSI agents. They were very nice. Also with Missouri CPS. When I met the woman from CPS with the OSI agents, the first thing she said to me was "So how did you manage to kill your son?" Next thing I remember is the agents pulling me off of her. I did NOT kill my son. He died from something I do not and don't think I will ever understand.

    When I got home that afternoon, Scottie came home and would not come into the house. All he would do was cry and scream "Ry-De, Ry-De! NOOOOOO Ry-De!" (he could not say Ryan Dean, it always came out "Ry-De")This devastated me because he was so proud of his baby brother. I brought him to my breast and kissed and cradled this sad little boy and we cried together.

    12 yrs now and it still hurts boy me and Scottie. Scott is now 14 and still remembers the horrors of that day that came. Scott and I have a special bond and it is very strong. He is how I made it through losing Ryan.

    When Scott was just 3 yrs old (less than a year later) I got us both out of that horrible marriage and we now have a wonderful man in our life. Jimmy is my 7th grade sweetheart and Scottie's world. Jimmy had 2 sons that live with us and we also have a sweet 10 yr old son that is cherished by Scottie. Thankfully, we are happy for the most part but Ryan is always on our mind. We both have our moments when we cry and scream still. I don't believe that will ever stop.

    We now live in Georgia and whenever I go home to Maryland we go visit the cemetery. (Scottie doesn't like going, so he is never forced, he makes the decision to go or not). I find it easier on me to remember that one last sweet smile Ryan gave me the night before we lost him than to think of him in the ground. He is so very missed and I know that God gave me this little Angel to remind me that God is there for me everyday!


    To all of those that have experienced this loss, my prayers are with you.

    Kim and Scottie

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    Old 04-11-2005, 07:58 PM   #2
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    Re: I still miss you Ry-De

    just thought I would say I read your post and was touched. I have a son and he is now 14 months old and I worried about sids too. I am also from Maryland.

    Old 04-12-2005, 04:39 PM   #3
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    Re: I still miss you Ry-De

    I just read your story and wanted you to know how touched I am by your spirit. Wow, you are such a strong woman, it is amazing to me that you were able to deal with such a nightmare especially with a husband like you had back then! I don't know what I would do. All I can say is God is good, he saw you through and helped you to find the man of your dreams. My youngest is 7 months old and I worry about it all the time, so that's why I'm on this board. From what I'm learning on this board worrying will do nothing, you just have to live life and have faith in God. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Old 04-28-2005, 09:20 AM   #4
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    Re: I still miss you Ry-De

    I just read your story and would like to tell you that you are a very strong woman. To beable to lose a baby and get out of an abusive relationship and move on with your life. I think that had I been in your situation I would have ended up in jail for beating my husband and anyone who accused me of killing my child. SIDS is not something you can prevent, and nothing you ever try can ever stop it from happening if its going to happen. But to make someone understand that, that has not dealt with it first hand, or had to worry about increased risks of it happening because of breathing problems, is not an easy task. My heart goes out to anyone that has ever been in a situation like yours, and to all the mothers who sit and stare at their sleeping babies in fear of the possibility of losing a child in his/her sleep.

    Old 07-09-2005, 11:22 AM   #5
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    Re: I still miss you Ry-De

    Hi i read your story and could relate to it so well . I was only 15 when i found out i was pregnant with my hunter trace. I was in a relationship with a guy who was very mean and abusive to me and wanted no part to do with hunter. Hunter passed away at only 3 months old of sids. It happend in a matter of only 10 mins. I checked on him and seen him kicking his feet and went back 10 mins later after i had gotten dressed 4 work to get him and he was not breathing. He hadnt even changed colors he was still warm.My sis did cpr onhim till the ambulance got there. They worked on him at the hospital for over an hour. To then come and tell us they couldnt save him. It devastated me and my family but not only that all of the docs and nurses that worked on him left the hospital that day. they said they couldnt work the rest of that day because they were so upset. My ex told people that i killed my little boy. But i did not. I still blame myself though. I just wish i would have gotten him up when he was kicking his feet. It is still very hard it has only been 5months

    Old 07-11-2005, 10:57 AM   #6
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    Re: I still miss you Ry-De

    A Beautiful Tribute to Ryan Dean

    You and Scott are lucky to have each other.

    Old 07-25-2005, 01:19 AM   #7
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    Re: I still miss you Ry-De

    Your story touched me and made me cry. I have an idea of what you are going through but never have experienced it. I hope never experience what you are going though. Good luck to your family. And god bless your little Ryan dean.

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