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Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Message Board

I lost my son to SIDS

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Old 10-04-2007, 12:34 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Burpengary,QLD,Australia
Posts: 2
clucy HB User
I lost my son to SIDS

My Son died from sids on the 21st September 2007. He was only 6 weeks old. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since his death and im an absolute mess.

I cant concentrate, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant do simple tasks, i cant take care of myself let alone my 2.5 year old daughter.

I do not want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything. i want to crawl into a hole and die. I do not want to live anymore as i want to be with my son. I have no interest in anything in life anymore, none of the tv shows i like nothing i dont want to do anything as it seems insignificant now.

I want my baby back so much but i also cant even get through a day. I want nothing to do with my daughter anymore she annoys me so much that i just want her to go away but i also know that i dont want her too as she was alwys my number 1 most important person in my life but i dont want to even see or hear her anymore.

I know this is normal grief to be going through but i cant live...i dont want to live. But i also dont want to talk to some stranger on a phone. I get told to tell people including my husband how im feeling and i do then just get a blank face or silence they dont even try to help. So i dont talk then i get told off for that too. Then my sister has the nerve to tell me to move on and that i should get over it, i lost a child! I will never get over it and for goodnes sake it has been 2 weeks.

I need help someone please help me or something i dont know where im at or what to do.

Claire xx

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Old 10-04-2007, 07:15 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 660
Brocallie HB UserBrocallie HB UserBrocallie HB UserBrocallie HB UserBrocallie HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

I'm so sorry for your horrible loss. My heart as a mom and fellow human being goes out to you.

I understand your need and desire to just "hole up" until you feel better. However, fact is, you do have a daughter who continues to need and love you. She does not understand what is happening, she just knows things are not right. Is there someone who can care for her a few hours a day, or a preschool she can attend so you may have some "alone time?"

Try and take time every day to shower. A clean body will help you feel more like "you." Also, get yourself into the sunshine---it will help to restore brain chemicals to more normal levels.

You have been through so much. Your hormones were in a mess from the pregnancy and birth and now this loss has come and magnified everything "bad." I suspect it will take a great amount of time to feel functional again, and even more to be able to take pleasure in daily life. However, you must make small steps for the sake of your daughter.

Again, please accept my condolences. I wish you peace.

Old 10-05-2007, 09:59 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 161
jen_thomson HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

I am so sorry for your loss. My situation was similar to yours when I lost my daughter 15 years ago. Her older brother was scared and confused...and I was a wreck. Brutal honesty? It hurt me to look at him. Because I saw a healthy, living 1 year old- and then immediately thought of my beautiful, assumed to be healthy two month old that had just been ripped from my life. It was a confusing time for me, too. I was incapable of caring for him in the way I normally did. Looking back on it- i would have liked to done things a bit different, but I couldn't. I could only do the best I could at the time. And today, my son is a bright, well adjusted 16 year old- and your daughter will be okay, too.

Here's the thing. Nothing can prepare you for the emotions and thoughts you're going to be experiencing over the next few weeks- possibly years. You will feel things and think things you never imagined possible. You will behave in ways you won't understand. It's grieving- and everyone does it in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no matter if other people understand it or not. There's no magic number of days that go by and *poof* you're okay... There's only your way- and your own time.

It took about a year for me to return to what people would call "normal"- and even longer to "feel" semi-"normal"....It's been 15 years now...with the anniversary of Lauren's death coming up on October 22nd...I still think of her, I still miss her....but much of the sting is gone- but it isn't forgotten- and neither is she.

I wish you and your family the very best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you work through this difficult time. Though you may not be able to see it right now- there is still light in the world....and in time, you will see it just might take a while.

Old 10-06-2007, 01:12 AM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Burpengary,QLD,Australia
Posts: 2
clucy HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

Thanks so much. im sorry to hear of you losing your daughter also but im so glad to hear of your story as it makes me feel normal and also makes me know there is light a the end of this long dark tunnel and that chloe will be ok.

Thanks so much.

Old 10-12-2007, 10:12 AM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: buffalo, new york
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heidijg HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

Why would your sister say such a thing. How insensitive... Very sorry

Old 10-15-2007, 01:59 PM   #6
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: orovada, Nevada
Posts: 1
Samann4163 HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

I too have lost a son of sids back in 1980. the first year was like I was in a bad dream nothing seems real, Hang in there it does get better, your other child needs you give your all to her, children are on lone to us hold them hug them, they can help you through it. I had no one when my son died my mother blamed me and never spoke to me again, my husband became abusive and broke my back, I left him and blamed myself for my son's death for a long time. It was not my fault and it is not yours or your other child.
god bless you and stay strong if not for you for your other child.

Old 10-28-2007, 07:02 PM   #7
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Location: Kentucky
Posts: 22
kentuckygal33 HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please reach out to those around you, they are hurting too. You need to comfort and be comforted by your daughter and husband. They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn' just makes the wounds easier to deal with. Your baby will forever live on in your heart and soul. I will keep you in my prayers.

Old 11-09-2007, 12:38 PM   #8
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 470
plasva HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS

Hi, I am also sitting here feeling for you and the loss of your son. Try not to be hard on yourself for ANY feeling you are having, even toward your daughter. Your feelings are all okay, and however long it takes you to grieve is your right. When people say hurtful things, it's because they can't deal with the situation or are not in a place to help you, but that doesn't mean they should cast aside your feelings. Consider joining a local support group so you can talk to other parents who have lost a child. I will be thinking of you, also. You have friends here, and there is also a depression board where people will understand how you feel.
Your friend, D.

Old 11-26-2007, 08:21 PM   #9
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 469
Hope2Heal HB User
Re: I lost my son to SIDS


I am so sorry for your loss and tragedy. No one will ever know how you are feeling unless they have been through it themselves. I lost my firstborn son at birth (he came 4 weeks early) via emergency c-section (was in distress) and did not make it. NO known cause and they brought him to me all cut up with tubes and wires, down his throat and belly all stitched back together. It was the darkest and most horrific time of my entire life up until this point. Almost 3 years later (Jan. 05) I have had another baby and healed tremendously in ways I didn't think at the time I would. I couldn't imagine going through what you did taking home a beautiful healthy son getting to know him for 6 weeks and then to loose him. I agree with all the other posters advice but no one mentioned this and it helped tremendously. . .
anti-depressant. Never in my life have I taken any meds for anything like that. When it was first suggested to me I was resentful and thought oh everyone just thinks its all in my head and a magic pill will solve my problems. However it took me going through severe anxiety that left me immobile to do anything for myself, including eat. All I could do was sleep. I began taking remeron about 8 weeks after my loss and it changed my life. I began to get my appetite back, find small joy in little things, such as friends, tv shows and daily things that used to bring pleasure. I could get up in the morning and feel like I could get through the day. I felt like my "old self" again. However it didn't erase the memories or pain, and I still cried a lot for many months. I still cry from time to time now. But it did something to my brain, it motivated me to get up every day and helped me focus and concentrate. I stayed on it for 6 months and went off. We got pregnant again exaclty a year later and I now have a wonderful and beautiful 15 mo. old son. He will never replace his older brother however he has brought much peace, healing and hope to our family. As soon as he was born within a week a completely went into a serious post partem depression and anxiety. I couldn't even breastfeed the baby, shower, think, finish a sentence, walk across the room. I didn't even want to hold him or take care of him. I felt like I was teetering on the edge. I never expected to feel this way because he was so wanted and so much anticipation for his birth. Part of it was what I had been through and part post partem hormonal stuff. I recognized what was going on this time and immedietly went back on meds. I felt better within 2 days. Again I stayed on it for 6 months and now take st. johns wort instead. The only side effect I had was weight gain, but i think there are others that don't cause that. I hope this helps. Just know that others have been in your shoes and you are not alone in how you feel. You will never be the same again, in some ways better and in many worse. But you cannot think of your future right now just getting better and feeling better so you can function day to day. Please talk to your doc about anti depressants and do seek support online or other support groups. Avoid people who don't understand. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

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