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need advice

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Old 08-16-2010, 08:02 PM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: somersworth, NH USA
Posts: 1
karval HB User
need advice

First let me say that my heart goes out to every parent who has lost a child. I pray for every one of you daily. I am looking for advice.On March 25th my daughter who is 22 lost her beautiful son Anthony at 19 days old. On that day her world stopped. The sparkle in her eyes is gone and she is so depressed now.My heart breaks for her every minute of every day. I just feel so helpless. I know that you all understand what she feels and as a grandmother I have so much pain over this myself, but nothing close to what she is feeling. I am looking for advice about how I can help her to cope with this. She has finally agreed to try a support group and I am hoping that once she sees that she isn't alone in this awful place that she might continue to go. Anthony was her first child. As a mom I just want to take her pain and I know I can't, but there has to be something I can do to help her. please..if you have any suggestions I would be so greatful

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Old 08-30-2010, 10:28 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: US
Posts: 644
Re: need advice

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson. I lost my sweet daughter, Arianna, April 5th of 2008. She was five weeks old. I think it's great that you are reaching out looking for advice. I think the best thing you can do for her is to keep being open for her. Let her talk freely of Anthony, without making her feel like she should be over it by now. She will never be over it. With time, the intensity will lessen, but will never go away, and at times will probably go back as if it were the first week or month. Mention Anthony as much as you can. As a mom, our biggest fear and biggest pain is when someone seems to forget our babies. We want to hear their name. We NEED to hear their name. Don't be afraid that mentioning his name will cause her more pain...nothing could possibly cause more pain than what she's already in. People have this 'out of site, out of mind' attitude. Our society seems to think we should be over our loss by the next work week, and if we're not, they don't want to know or hear about it. If she was the one who found him, and performed CPR, she's probably still dealing with trauma still as well. She's probably exhausted on all levels. It's been almost 2.5 years for me...this is the most difficult, heartbreaking, gut wrenching thing I've ever been through. In two and a half years, I can probably count on two hands how many days have gone without at least a few tears. Just be there for her. And cry with her if you feel like crying. I think the hardest part about this kind of grief is that everyone seems to go on-life just continues. Your daughter, and you, are stuck in this hell trying to find a new normal...and the only people in the world who will understand are those going through this kind of loss. It's such a hard road to be on. I got this 'letter' from a website called Grieving Gods Way. My husband and I passed it around to our friends and family who cared to offer support.

Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.
Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.
Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.
Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.
Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person.
Please accept me for who I am today. Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-becauseI have learned from the best.
(Your name)

Again, I'm sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. I hope that she begins to have better hours, and eventually better days and weeks. It's a one step forward, five step backwards process. ((((Hugs))))

Last edited by NVD; 08-30-2010 at 10:31 PM.

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