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  • My Father is always putting me down!!!

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    Old 08-09-2001, 09:46 AM   #1
    *Daniel*
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    Angry My Father is always putting me down!!!

    I've had it with my father just about.Everything I did at school.... I got straight A's.... he'd just look at his paper and say that's good Daniel.... he wouldn't even smile.He's always at work I only really see him on Sundays.When he is off.... he shows little interest in me and he always sleep. But since he's 49, he claims he's too old to go out and do things like a father and son should.He never did that when was younger.One thing that always pisses me off about him is that he always criticize me on things.He tells me that I don't look right with the clothes I wear or he tells me things that really get me edgey.When I was younger... he used to come home drunk and he would always try to start things with my mother.I think he even tried ot beat her.... that was very traumatic for me.... after awhile I got depressed.. he wasn't even helping much because I was trying to deal with being Bisexual.Then when I did tell my parents... my mom was 100% supportive of me but my father on the other hand treats me different now.He finds things to get on my nerves about or he finds something to pick on me about.The sad thing though is that after all he's done to me, I just can't feel any love for him anymore .What should I do.... I tried to hang out with him and I tried to make it work but he's just not giving in.I cannot get along with my father.He really hates the idea of me being Bisexual... well I don't give a d*** he's just going to have to deal with my decision.What can I do...?
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    Old 08-09-2001, 11:45 AM   #2
    JwhyS
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    Some things are just a lost cause. I know this may seem a bit rash, but I highly reccommend ceasing to pursue a relationship with your father. A relationship is a two-way thing and he has to be willing to be a part of it and right now he seems to be strictly against it, even after everything you've tried. You'll save yourself a lot of heart-ache by not pursuing a relationship with him anymore. Just start capitalizing on the relationship you have with your mom, friends, relatives etc to fill the void that your father has left.
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    Old 08-09-2001, 12:23 PM   #3
    wearesiamese
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    So sorry you're going through this. As the mom of a teenage boy, it really hurts sometimes to see what adults do to their kids. He sounds really self centered. I agree that, as painful as it is, it might just be a waste of your time. My husband's father was very much the same. He showed little interest in the kids except to criticize them and put them down. I wonder every day how my husband can be such a caring husband and loving father with a father like that! But he is. The rest of his family is screwed up as a result of this selfish man, primarily because they continued to expend their energy on someone who didn't give a crap. My husband just blew him off, and is healthier for it. As sad as this is, I think your best bet would be to use your energy on those who show love back to you. You don't have to sever communications with your dad, but just don't expect anything from him, and don't worry about what he thinks. He'll regret it some day. Keep in mind his behavior, and make up your mind that you will grow into a different kind of man. We don't get to choose our families, unfortunately.

     
    Old 08-09-2001, 01:05 PM   #4
    *Daniel*
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    He's ok... he's not the wicked villian I'm trying to say or anything.He can be nice and say hello Daniel and everything, but it's just that alot of days... he just gets to me.Like when we go over homework with him which I hate... if I can't understand something... he says... are you dumb or something... figure it out?? Then he leaves me there and he gets so impatient with me.I hate that, I know he means no harm on purpose it's just alot of the things he says and does kinda ticks me off.
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    Old 08-09-2001, 01:27 PM   #5
    wearesiamese
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    What would happen if, the next time he said something like that to you, you said, "You know, Dad, it really makes me feel like crap when you say stuff like that to me. I mean no disrespect, but it really hurts my feelings." Is that something that might work? What about your mom? Does she know how you feel? What if she talked to him for you?

     
    Old 08-09-2001, 02:15 PM   #6
    BabyBlues
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    My parents are sort of like your dad. Although they were active in my life, they did a lot of critisizing. Although it sounds disrespectful, I would argue back. Like my mom would say something about needing clearosil for a zit I had, I would say something to her about slimfast to lose some wait. I just couldn't take it anymore. It usually shut her up. Just go on with your life. I hope things work out.

     
    Old 08-09-2001, 02:44 PM   #7
    *Daniel*
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    I've told my dad that it hurts me when he does stuff like that and he says he sorry but he keeps doing it again and again.My mother talked to him about it and he claims he won't do it but he always does the next day.
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    Old 08-09-2001, 05:13 PM   #8
    lfantell
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    It is really sad how parents treat their children. I grew up in a house where I got paid for A's and B's and if I got a C or below, money would be deducted. The only time that I felt my parents loved me was if I was doing exactly what they wanted. I am 36 and it is still the same way.

    My advice is to live your life the way that makes you happy. You can't live your life for your parents. It has taken me years to figure this out.
    I have 3 children, a boy and two girls. My son lives with my ex because I wanted him to go to a different school. My ex is not a hands on father and never has been. He has completely lost the girls and my son knows his father just wants him there to work (it is a farm). The girls have not spent a night in his house for over a year now.

    I agree, you can't force a relationship. He will be the loser in the end, not you. Keep the relationship with your mother open (I don't have a close relationship with either of my parents, but all of my kids and I are very close, even my son).
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    Old 08-10-2001, 10:22 AM   #9
    Mike29
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    My dad and I are the same way, sort of. We don't get a long well, so basically, what I do is, I don't talk to him and he don't talk to me. I don't mean, I don't say anything to him, but like, stuff which doesn't really need to be said, I don't say. That way, we can't argue cause we always do. And although, I would prefer it if we got along better, but this is as good as it's probably going to be. Good luck with you and your dad.

     
    Old 09-23-2001, 08:35 AM   #10
    orion
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    Daniel, I suspect your dad has some serious problems that he can't work out for himself. The always at work, always sleeping, ignoring you, and irritable are all signs of a broken relationship with your mother and most likely medical problems as well. At 49 your father may be suffering from heart disease, low testosterone, diabetes, to name just a few.

    Its very possible he is having trouble dealing with stress and your "bi" anouncement was just more than he could handle right now.

    None of that is an excuse for what he is doing to you, but it might be the reason he is doing it. So, please don't stop trying and loving your dad. I am sure he loves you back. But when you don't love yourself, its hard to show your love for other people. I know it hurts you a lot what he is doing and that hurt can only go way if you understand that your dad needs help.

    What to do? Well, I think there is very little you can do because your dad has to help himself and he can only do that if he sees himself as worthy of being helped. I think he has a very low opinion of himself and he doesn't think he is worthy of a great son like you. The only thing I can think of doing, is writing him a letter and telling him how much you love him. Tell him you will be there for him no matter what. Tell him you are worried about his health and wonder if everything is alright. He might get mad about it, he might deny it all to you, but it might help him and you to understand you need each other.

    Above all, know that you have a right to be alive in the universe and a great life to live. In the end, only your dad can help himself, if he is willing.

    Oh, yeah, I know because I was like your dad (except I have a daughter), turned out I was physically very sick and didn't know it. I did and said lots of things I didn't mean.

     
    Old 09-23-2001, 03:13 PM   #11
    timeman_1560
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    I think that you are doing a good thing by trying to communicate him. It's something I would have given up on long ago.

    My father is the same way. It seems that he has a negative opinion on everything. He always has to critisize sombody or something, like he has any room to talk, with his beer belly that practically hangs down to his knees

    His ideas are completely the opposite of mine. And the huge age difference between us doesn't help, either: I'm 20, he's going to be 64 in another month or so. The age difference wouldn't be such a big deal if he were more progressive. But no, he still prefers a rotary phone (we practically had to pry that thing out of his hands!), refuses to learn how to run a computer, and calls a CD player a "record player". He refuses to wear shorts, even when it's 100 degrees. Yes, he's 63, not 93!

    He uses the worst grammar I have ever heard in my life. It really annoys me, because I try, to the best of my abilities, to use good English at all times. I can't stand excessive use of the word "ain't," the use of "good" instead of "well," and double negatives. At the same time I realize I am no Shakesphere myself, but at least I TRY to sound educated.

    I'm afraid to do stuff that other people my age do to fit in (pierce my ears, get a tatoo, bleach my hair, etc), because I am afraid of the way he might react. I should follow my instincts, do I want and give him the middle finger if he doesn't like it, but I don't have the nerve. I can't take negative criticism from anybody, that's MY big fault.

    The real reason I am angry and possibly hate him is because of the way he made me dress and comb my hair, when going to school. He made me wear tight a** docker pants, black shoes, and dress shirts, everyday. It totally wasn't me and I was the butt of jokes at school, and the psychological abuse still affects me.

    Today, I cannot carry on a converation with people, look them in the eye, or make friends. With the years of riddicule, I believe that is how I got my boring, depressed, pessimistic, anti-social personality.

    On being bisexual... I feel for you. I am gay, which is something that I've had a hard time accepting. I don't find many women sexually appealing That's something I don't dare tell my family about. To do so would ensure that I be hung from the nearest tree.

    Sorry this was so long. I needed to vent http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/gabby.gif


    [This message has been edited by timeman_1560 (edited 09-23-2001).]

    [This message has been edited by timeman_1560 (edited 09-23-2001).]

     
    Old 09-26-2001, 11:31 AM   #12
    Babernethy
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    I'm a father and a son, and I felt a need to comment here. Sorry, I am 40 and I'm going to suggest a different approach to this.
    Go to the store and get a copy of Cat Stevens 'Cats in the Cradle', wrap it up and give it to your dad with a note to really listen to the song. Also, go to the health food store and get him a bottle of natural 100 mg B complex and natural 20 mg zinc, and give him 1 each for breakfast every day. He is only 9 years older than I am and he should not be so tired at that age, as to not be able to give some time to you.
    I spend as much time as I am able playing with my children...one day they will be grown and not in my grasp anymore. Perhaps he has not realized this and that's where the song comes in. If you are not familiar with the song, it tells of a man who is always 'too busy' and when he finally gets the time to spend with his son, the son has grown up and turns out to be just like the man...he has no time for his father. It is a very sad song and unfortunatly all too true.
    If this does not work, follow your instincts and do what you have said...forget him.
    Good luck...it might be good for you to start B vitamins too...at least it will take the stress away!
    B

    [This message has been edited by Babernethy (edited 11-20-2001).]

     
    Old 12-01-2001, 12:43 PM   #13
    butterflyqueen
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    daniel, i want you to know that sometimes parents become rude or hurt our feelings, and they dont even know it. but what you have to think about is that we all love you, and it sounds like your a great guy. just be possitive, and youll do great. and just think a couple more years and your out!! and remember that youll be a better father! you take care of yourself, and know that you have friends here that care about you!...take care

     
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