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12 yr old going on 20

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Old 09-11-2003, 05:28 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Marlborough Ma USA
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formerlsa HB User
Post 12 yr old going on 20

Hi everyone. My 12 yr old started puberty early, her period at 9. She is very voluptuous. Most of her peers are half her size. She is 5'4, and weighs 130, her thighs are a bit heavy and her bum looks like jlos. Her breasts are bigger than mine. She is very emotional and hormonal.She is a beautiful girl, but doesn't think so, kind of in the geeky stage.

We live on a cut through road, she only has a few friends, and complains she has none, and that everyone in 7th grade has a 'boyfriend', but her!!

Now, last night we went school shopping and she couldn't fit into her 9/10. she got very irritable, started saying she hates her life, she is fat, no friends etc even said she wishes she was dead. I was in shock although I know that this may be a stage. Later she said she didn't mean it . She mentioned depression and TOLD me that 12 yr olds can get depression.

Well, in my view she should be exercising more and this school system only has gym half the yr, which is certainly not enough, when we were kids we had it 3 times a week, and we were always outside playing. She says our house is boring, nothing to do, so therefore she SITS and watches TV or computer. Presently she is a straight A student, very involved with the red sox, obssessed actually.

I am starting to be very worried about her future and her present mind. Her father and I are divorcing, he has been irresponsible, she knows this, and she has seen alot of fighting in the past, but since he has been gone, 3 months, there has been more peace in my home. We have been to a psychologist, a few yrs back when she was defiant, she is getting better, but is lazy and I have to beg her to do a few chores.

Is this just a stage? She said she didn't mean what she said and after she got 2 pairs of sneakers for 150$, she was happy.

Any advice? My 7 yr old boy has some anger issues and aggression but other than that he is a loving boy and mostly does what I say. All replies appreciated. I do not want my child on AD, we talked about going on the treadmill daily which is in my living room, I was a fanatic, but I am at a standstill right now. Any suggestions? Should I REALLY take the computer and cable away? Thanks star43

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Old 09-11-2003, 07:05 AM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Myrtle Beach, SC, USA
Posts: 330
Gine2D HB User

I would advise that you buy the "Sugar Buster Diet" book & start using that as the food guide for the next 10 years for the entire family. It is how people ate before the "fast food" & soda pop diets of today.

Good luck,


Old 09-11-2003, 09:56 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: MA
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TeTr01 HB User

You didn't mention if you were active in anyway or what kinds of foods you all eat for meals at your house, so I don't really know much besides some things about your daughter.

Maybe the 2 of you could get a membership at a gym & go together 3 times a week for a few hour or whenever you can? When you eat meals, try to make sure that they are good foods & not junk stuff.

If she thinks she may be depressed, try talking to her alone about it & see if she would like to talk to a counselor about this. Depression is a serious thing that CAN get worse & I know you don't want that for her, so I would suggest addressing her thoughts on it to be sure everything really is ok in that perspective.

I am sure it is hard on her being different than the other children her age, but she can't do anything about the fact that she is maturing faster. She can only work with what she has & this could be a good time for you to talk to her about that & have her understand!

Good luck with all of you !

Old 09-11-2003, 12:55 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Germantown, Md
Posts: 2
janay206 HB User

Let me start off by saying Get ready for more. I have a 13 year old that wares a 44DD and is in a 14-16 jeans. This is her first year in high school and oh my GOD issues. When she was in middle school she always said that none of the boys liked her. She was so wrong. I would intersept her phone calls from boys because I knew she was not ready mentaly. As your daughter my daughter started her period when she was 10,I was not ready but you have to learn to deal W/ it.The issue with the school clothes there is nothing out there for that age we tried Wal-mart, Target, Express, K-Mart, and Dress Barn for women. Everything was to to young or to old(colthes). My mom tells me that it is the fast food that the kids these days. This Friday is My daughters first Varsity football game my husband is going nuts. Dateing @13is a whole other issue. Just keep the faith and things will fall into place.Just let her know friends come a dime a dozen and so do boys but mom will be her friend forever. All this from a 30 year old mom of a 13year girl.Hope things work out for you.

Old 09-11-2003, 03:45 PM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 547
lovely.lady HB User

Maybe encourage her to get involved in a sport? That way she will meet new people and be excersizing at the same time.

I'm super tall... well... not super tall but taller than the majority and I always hated it so much when I was younger because I always felt big and out of place. In reality, I was a few pounds underweight but I never saw that. I couldn't tell you if its a "stage" or not because some teens go through stages and others don't, meaning they are really in a horrible emotional/mental mind set. Maybe you should try changing her mind set first, and then get focused on the weight issue. Be sure to ENCOURAGE her. Sometimes that's all it takes. My mom never complimented and encouraged me on how I looked and as a result I was always sure that I was ugly.

Good luck!

Old 09-11-2003, 08:11 PM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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CamoLov3 HB User

i know your worried.. and thats good shows you really care and love your daughter.. my suggestion to you is to talk to her. get her in a weight watchers program and in counseling.. also maybe you should join weight watchers or at least get you both a personal trainer whether you are over weight or not..just do it so she doesnt feel like she is in this battle of losing weight alone. if she feels like she is alone in this she will lose.. get her in basketball or something.. soft ball..maybe? something that requires to work out to play better. i also say maybe get her out of the house go to the gym or get something to keep her occupied. DO NOT LET HER SIT AND WATCH TV OR GET ON THE COMPUTER!!! that is the worst thing. diets are bad i know but maybe put her on a sugar less diet.. watch her carbs and sugar intakes. about 20 carbs a day.. meaning little potatoes or anything. you to.. dont let her think she has to go through this alone.. and talk to her doc. but NEVER GIVE HER ANY KIND OF DIETING PILLS.. they kill.. litterally. many people get sick because of them. and she may be depressed about the divorce. let her spend some time with her dad still.! good luck
I wish I knew what to say..To be the one to take your breath away.

Old 09-11-2003, 08:15 PM   #7
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CamoLov3 HB User

if you think it will help yet take the computer and tv away or LIMIT her to it.. put it in your room so she cant get it. and maybe put locks on the doors.. i know it sounds like a lot to limit her to but think of the out come of her being more happy with her out look and you feeling better as a mother that you are able to make her happy.. i hope this helps..i dont know much considering im only 14 but just try to use it for the most part.. please.. but make sure whatever you do like a diet or something with food that you run it by a doctor so he can say its ok and she will be fine.. but please no pills. no matter what the doctor says.. they really are very bad.. and can do damage
I wish I knew what to say..To be the one to take your breath away.

Old 09-11-2003, 10:12 PM   #8
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 82
chickadee99 HB User

Ok, first of all, I don't think you should take the t.v and computer away. It will just upset her. I don't recommend her having a t.v. or computer in her room, though. Maybe you two could join a gym, like others said, OR you could go bike-riding or walking together. Encourage her, tell her how pretty she really is, even though she may not feel like she is. Personally, I think it is a stage. When I was about 13/14, I definitely wasn't the happiest I've ever been in my life. I can relate to her feeling like she is fat because I started saying I was fat about age 11. I think working out will help her feel better about herself. Maybe your family can work on eating healthier foods. (I don't know what you eat now, but most people drink soda, etc.) It can be VERY annoying and upsetting when you're not happy with the way your body looks. Make sure she eats enough (but not overeats or eats when she is just bored) and that she doesn't develop an eating disorder. You would most definitely have bigger problems if that happened; it'd be awful. And talk to her about all kinds of things; keep the relationship open because she is just about to start her teen years. I hope I helped some..

Old 09-11-2003, 10:38 PM   #9
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TranscendingAbyss HB User

I like the gym suggestion.. I was acctually going to suggest it myself trying a yoga class together or one of those other "cool" new workouts like pilates might entice her.. and so she wouldn't be insulted you could always just say you wanted to try it but didn't want to do it alone and thought it might be fun if she tried it with you

... but the suggestion for imposing a (BAD) pop diet on a 12 year old? thats ridiculous.. didn't you ever see that documentary in school on the two sisters who grew up to be completely mentally screwed anorexics because their mother imposed her physical self hatred on them? to quote their mother when they were 8.. "first one to lose ten pounds gets a new bathing suit" not that it would go that far or anything... I'm just demonstrating why it would be BAD to tell your daughter she needs to diet at such a tender age..

anyway.. as for the original post yeah hon.... unfortunately... your daughter is jumping head first into puberty.. you won't see the end of it till... ooooh... 18-20? the important thing? it's going to be OK. think of when you were this age and you knew everything.. she doesn't mean to make trouble just to make trouble.. she's just a teenage girl.. trying to find out who she is.. scared.. unsure of herself.. insecure.. and too proud to admit any of it.. she's already showing alot of trust in you that some moms don't have the luxury of just by talking to you about how she feels about her body and her friends..

unfortunately there's really nothing you can do about defiance but just try to ride the wave with the same normal rules you always have.. rewards for doing well and losing privledges for breaking rules.. puberty is alot harder for girls.. alot more physically changing.. alot more imposed on us by society...

what every girl wants at this age is a gentle balance of mom and friend.. sure we need boundaries.. but we also need to be free to make our own mistakes and grow by ourselves.. and still have someone to talk to about it... the worst thing you can be is a "clean your room or get grounded" dictator.. you sound like a caring and understanding mom and I think once the first "oh my god my little girl is growing up" shock wears off... you'll be ok

I'm not saying... let her go get tattooed... but.. you raised her, you know wether or not you've taught her well and you know that she's a smart girl and a good girl.. so all I'm saying is.. the more you try to control her or restrict every little thing.. the more resistance you'll get.. soo... no tattoos.. but who's to say wash out purple hair dye wouldn't be a learning experience? I think you're going to do great... you're already doing great just by coming here and trying to keep up with all the issues facing her today.. so alltogether.. you've got a good start

Old 09-12-2003, 06:46 AM   #10
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Location: Marlborough Ma USA
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formerlsa HB User

You guys have really AMAZED me with all the great advice! First of all, I would NEVER put her on any pill, I'm totally against that. YES, I am worried that she could develop an eating disorder, that really scares me. I do try to buy healthy foods, and I make homemade dinners at least 3 times a week, with salad and veggies, BUT, they hate the school food, so I make their lunches, I do put carrots etc, but Yes, I do put a dessert in every day, should I not do that for her?? We also have always eaten brown type bread well since I bought white now she only wants white!!! I have been buying dark bread since they were born, now they want white!!!!

Yesterday she said to me to drag her on the treadmill, to make her. That is impossible. She has to recognize this herself and want to change her laziness.I am BTW, 57' and weigh 150, I also have big boobs LOL!But I can fit into juniors 9/10 and I am 44, so I do care about my image to a point. When I was working out more, I weighed 135 which everyone said I was too skinny, but I sure felt more muscle and better about myself. So right now i feel I'm maybe 5-10 pounds overweight, others may not agree, but it is how YOU feel in clothes and naked. I am not obssessed with food or with my weight and accept myself pretty much anyway I am.

I am very worried about how she feels about herself. I am going to cut out sugar for starters, but I am not going to completely restrict it. (I only buy 1 pkg of cookies a week anyways)

As far as the computer and TV, I'm not really sure yet what to do. I want to set a limit, but she STILL just SITS there, and it usually ends up in a screaming match, which I don't want that kind of stress and it certainly is not good for the kids. BTW, she says that I have always been a softie, and she is a bit spoiled or at least used to be, but we have had some rough times.

Her weekly activities are karate every Wednesday she is a purple belt, green is next then brown, but STILL, that is only once a week, she has been doing it for about 5 yrs.She is very musical, so her other days are spent after school in special and regular band, then special and regular chorus. she plays percussussion. I would like to get her into another sport, instead af just WATCHING the Red Sox, but with my other 7 yr old boy, he has one activity, and it wouldn't be fair, I don't have enough time, and I work also, so YOU GUYS know what that is like.

I want her to be happy with herself no matter what her size, I want her to have more confidence, as she is a great young lady.But at the same time, I do not want her weight to get out of contol at this young age, one of my freinds was a size 5, now she weighs over 300, and she is 5'2, she accepts herself, but I know deepdown she wishes she was thinner, she does try to eat low fat, but she has NO ACTIVITY, This is what I really believe is the cure for my daughter, I just don't know how to 'Get there" She has a hard time showing her feelings, I am the complete opposite.

As far as depression goes, I pray this is only a stage, as at this tender age, they are trying to "find themselves".

I'll keep you posted and thanx for all the great advice.......star43

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