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    Old 04-22-2004, 08:40 PM   #1
    dtillery
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    Question Ask another Teen

    Hello, I am a MOM... My daughter is 13 yrs old..
    I dont want to do all the wrong things with my daughter, but I also dont want her to do all the wrong things.
    She skipped school twice in a week, i read in her diary that she wants to get high, but not right now. She took a condom to school and gave it to some boy. and she has smoked.
    I have been invading her privacy, because she will NOT talk to me. I even told her no matter what she told me, I would not get mad, but we would work it out and fine a better way to deal with it.
    I am pretty confused because I want so bad to trust her, but she constantly lies to me..
    if there are any teens out there that can HELP me figure out what is going through her head and how to reach her.. or another mom out there that maybe had some problems.. I would be in your debt if you can help me out here..
    Thanks

     
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    Old 04-22-2004, 10:15 PM   #2
    tan-barbie
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dtillery
    Hello, I am a MOM... My daughter is 13 yrs old..
    I dont want to do all the wrong things with my daughter, but I also dont want her to do all the wrong things.
    She skipped school twice in a week, i read in her diary that she wants to get high, but not right now. She took a condom to school and gave it to some boy. and she has smoked.
    I have been invading her privacy, because she will NOT talk to me. I even told her no matter what she told me, I would not get mad, but we would work it out and fine a better way to deal with it.
    I am pretty confused because I want so bad to trust her, but she constantly lies to me..
    if there are any teens out there that can HELP me figure out what is going through her head and how to reach her.. or another mom out there that maybe had some problems.. I would be in your debt if you can help me out here..
    Thanks
    I am 23 and when I was thirteen I am sure I was just like that. I know I tried smoking and drinking. I also tried getting high. I didn't engage in any sexual activities till I was much older. Sometimes it is a stage kids go through and sometimes it is just who they are. At that age she is probably trying to find herself and the people in school with her could have a little influence. I myself having done that stuff as a young teen I do not like it right now. I find smoking and drinking absolutely disgusting and as for drugs I am very opposed. I try to attend church at least once a month. I think having tried it at a young age made me better now becasue I didnt fall into it when the rest of my friends did. I also have a friend who was just like that and she is completely straight just like me. I dont know what exactly worked for me. I was much more of a stronger person and when any opportunity arrived I was able to say no to what ever, but as for dealing with your daughter I would try getting out and seeing if their is anything she is interested in. Like a hobby. I love dancing and that is what I wanted to do all the time. maybe she needs a younger role model. I know that it can be hard for the parents to talk to her but if she has a cool aunt or uncle maybe they can talk to her. Maybe she needs a really good role model. i know at that age it can be hard but chances are it is just a phase. Would she be open enough to see a counselor? Try to make a day of you and her just out shopping or doing something fun and see if she can open up. That is all I can tell you because everyone is different. I know when I was out of hand for a little bit my parents sent me to the crisis center and that defenitely opened my eyes up at that age. Well I hope you can get through to your daughter and I will say a prayer for you and her in hopes she goes down the right path in life and you can find a way to communicate with her.

    Last edited by tan-barbie; 04-22-2004 at 10:18 PM.

     
    Old 04-23-2004, 07:36 AM   #3
    eightball61
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    Hi

    She is at the point in her life where she wants to feel independant and try everything out there. I am sure you did you share at her age but as a mother you have to keep tabs on her. I feel you are doing the right thing if she doesn't want to talk but don't approach her that you read her journal so she loses trust in you. If you find somthing out in her journal talk to her about that subject as a caring mom don't get on her case.

    I am sure you know what is best for your daughter so I am not going to tell you how to control her but when she goes out know how she is out with and what they are doing. I am sorry to say but if she wanted to try pot it would be very hard to stop her because she could do it at school or at a at a friends. It only take 5 mins. to do so she can squeaze that in at anytime.

    The best you can do is show your support and talk to her about the dangers.

     
    Old 04-23-2004, 10:09 AM   #4
    xaimeex
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    Smile Re: Ask another Teen

    hi im 15!

    it sounds abit weird but i understand how youre feeling. my mum always tries to talk to my sisters and sometimes i feel hurt when they push her away. girls at school act in the same way as youre daughter is seeming to and although im not an expert i am sure it is natural.
    when a young person hits their teens they feel as though they want to be independent and not have to feel as though theyre being dragged down by their parents. you sound like a great mum especially as you have left the ball in her court. the only thing i can suggest is that you keep an eye on her and always be there when she needs help. another option is to get another member of the family to try talking to her. i know that whenever i feel down i go to my grandma who always manages to make me feel better!

    dont make her feel as though you are harrassing her because that will just make her talk to yopu less. i hope this has been helpful.
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    Old 04-23-2004, 04:13 PM   #5
    dirrtyblonde07
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    Hey, I am also fifteen. I am sorry that your daughter is acting like this, I know how hard it must be for you. My best friend was kind of like that towards her mother although her mom wasn't all caring she was just bitchy and would nag and harp all the time.

    Do not do that!! Nagging and harping will drive her further away from you and just **** her off. Another piece of advice is to NEVER read her diary. A diary is the one place that she has to keep something secret and let out at the same time, and by reading it you have violated that. Why have a diary if you can't keep it secret? By doing this, you will also lose her trust and she will never want to communicate.

    Your daughter is at a time in her life where she needs her independence and freedom, and will probabky not want you around unless she needs something from you. This may sound harsh, but its true. You have to realize that she will go out and try weed and alcohol and all those other drugs, and there is really nothing you can do to prevent that unless you lock her in her room all day and never let her come out and homeschool her. Even then, there is still possibility. She is growing up, and unfortunatly you can not always be there for her, but it sounds like you have been doing a good job in putting yourself out there and trying to communicate.

    However, she does not seem to be paying any attention to your positive speech and is pushing your farther away. Although this is discouraging, you have to keep trying, but don't push it on her. DO nice things that show you care, or a couple pints of icecream, rent movies, and just have a girls night.

    If your daughter does not respond to anything you try, then you need to set some boundries. Give her at the most a 12:00 curfew, make her earn money, and discipline her accordingly. Remember, you DO know what is best, whther she realizes it or not. And someday she will, but you just have to work for it.

    Good luck!!

     
    Old 04-24-2004, 02:20 AM   #6
    xaimeex
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    well said!!!
    you said it so much better than i did!!
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    Old 04-24-2004, 03:37 PM   #7
    Jackie1
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    hey...im 16, and all what i have to say is stop reading her diary. would u want ur mom going through ur personal stuff? if she finds out she is gonna be so ****** she will not trust u. my mom went through my emails about a year ago, and i was talking to someone about something wicked personal. i was so ******...i still am. i dont trust my mom at all. i wont talk to her about anything personal any more. so just back off. she will learn from her mistakes (hopefully). let her figure stuff out...she will go to u if she really needs help. its all normal teen ****.

    Jackie

     
    Old 04-24-2004, 05:37 PM   #8
    Brooke~Lynn
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    just be there for her, set rules, dont violate her privacy through her diary....she will stop trusting you, i tried things at 14 that i would never even think about doing now!she needs to know she can tell you anything and you wont freak out....i was so close to my mom, i even told her when i had sex for the first time when i was 15....we were watching tv and i told her and she just asked me if i was making sure i was taking my birth control pills and then asked if we used a condom , i answered yes (i was truthful) and all was fine, she didnt flip out, or make me be home by 9pm or anything (heck it happened at 7pm that time anyway)....early cewfews dont work the way parents want them to....and no i didnt get pregnant then or anything (i have a beautiful baby girl now, but she was planned
    you just have to tell her the risks, and if/when the sex issue comes up....make sure she is protected everyway possible....yes i mean BC Pills....you want her to be as safe as possible!

     
    Old 04-26-2004, 09:14 AM   #9
    cemmy
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    I'm 18, but when I was about 13 I started going through the same unruly stage as what your daughter and so many others go through. Only I didn't end up getting involved in most things I wanted to becos my Mum kept too firm a hold on me. I was not allowed to go to parties or associate with other teenagers outside of schooltime if they were involved in things they should not be. I remember one day Mum got so mad at me because of my attitude that she rampaged my room and went through everything I owned, from diary to anything, and read everything in front of me. Anything inapropriate she got rid of. I know this sounds bad, but while I hated her at the time it was a good thing for me. I guess I had the advantage in some ways too though because Mum had a sound knowledge of the bible and used that to try and change my waywardness. It worked for the most part, slowly, but surely.

    If you were to try the same strict methods there is no saying what the outcome would be. Each child is different. Mum has the say in her house and while I live under her roof I live by her standards. And I'm thankful for it now. But other kids may react the opposite, and instead decide that they are prepared to leave home, leave your guidance for good, which would leave her worse off. It comes to determining what your child is like, and what form of guidance would be best for her. Parents need to set a standard for their children to follow because children simply don't have the ability to decide for themselves wisely. They go with whatever feels good to them at the time and have no thought of the future consequences, which could be detrimental to them.

    One thing I do know, from my own experience and from the experience of every other person I know, is that the outcome of that unruly period usually determines what sort of decisions they'll be making for the rest of their lives, and what sort of person they turn out to be.

     
    Old 04-26-2004, 03:20 PM   #10
    Shy Bunny
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    Hi there, I'm past my teen years but am young enough to remember how I was back then. I agree with most of the posts here and figured maybe I'll put my two cents in as well. First of all, I'm glad that you're concerned about your daughter and that you've tried approaching her with these issues. I too must say that this is a phase which your daughter is going through. However, depending on the child, some may take years to get out of this phase and some figure it out soon enough to enjoy better things in life.
    My greatest influence in my social activities was obviously friends. My mother ALWAYS asked me where I was headed to, with whom I'll be with, and what time I'll be coming home. My parents were rather strict so I did have a curfew that was earlier than any of my friends. But as much as I missed out on those parties etc and was angry at the time, seeing it now, I am thankful for my mom's decisions because the kids who engaged with these activities seem to have not made the wisest choices later on (I'm not saying all kids are like this).
    I advise you to know who your daughter hangs out with. My mom knew who my then-bestfriend (let's say Amy) was, and spoke to Amy's mom over the phone sometimes when I stayed over at Amy's place. My mom sat me down and told me that she understands that I am great friends with Amy, but honestly, she hopes that I dont act how Amy does around others. I remember thinking, "it's none of your business, I'll do what I want" back then, but this too, I am glad that my mom told me straight off.
    Eventually I found better friends who were more mature than me. I learned from them that it's not all about going out at night and drinking etc. My new friends had a huge impact on me, I didnt hold any more grudges, I was happy, and most of all, I realized how meaningful what my mom told me was.
    For me, hanging out with girls like Amy really affected my personality. Had I hung out with her longer, I know that I wouldve done things that I would be regretting today.
    Also, my mom often took me out shopping (or window-shopping. hehe) or to check out new restaurants together. At the time, I totally acted like I was uninterested and that I'd rather be out with friends, but whenever I came home, I know I enjoyed going out with her. I think that was her way to show me she cared in my interests and also her strategy to keep me from doing the wrong things. (eg, when we'd go out and walk around and she spotted kids who are just loitering and smoking, she'd whisper to me, "I hope you dont become like them, you're too smart to be doing things like that." to which I was thinking, "WHATEVER" but it made me think afterwards.)
    One more thing, I found out back then that she had read my diary also and found out about my then-bf (whom I never told her about), and instead of confronting me about it, she had discussed it with Amy's mother and I found out through Amy. Reading your daughter's diary may not be the best thing to do, as much as you want to know what goes on in her life. I remember feeling resentment against my poor mom and not trusting her then. I wouldnt want your daughter to feel that way towards you.
    Best of luck to you. I'm sure that you'll know what's best to do, your daughter is lucky that you are such a caring mom.

     
    Old 04-26-2004, 03:32 PM   #11
    Passion4BskBall
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    Lightbulb Re: Ask another Teen

    Thirteen.. hmm what a hell of an age. she is trying to find herself. I am turning 15 in a few days and when i tured thirteen i changed completely. Its like a stage. a lot of decieving happened. believe me your teen is not the only one. you should maybe change some house rules. Is she an only child? when having dinner make sure you eat together force her to eat with you, and talk with her, ask her what she did. start making her wear clothing that is more on the covered side, have her go to church. talk to her about sex and drugs. once a week for some sort of sex or drug talk with her. rent movies like the movie thirteen, it is good and shows just what a thirteen year old goes through. just a caution it is a lil sexual, has some dirty language and has drug content. explain to me what you do when you try to talk to her and she wont talk to you. my mom is out of town and when she gets back later tonight i will write another post and tell you what she said, she is the one that changed me, i didnt do it by my self and i didnt get counseling. one idea is maybe get her in a sport or something she has a passion for. my passion is basketball and that is another thing that changed my life.
    and Jackie, all teens need guidence and i am sure she is only going through her stuff because she doesnt know what is going on with her life and she wants to help her and guide her. she is a lost parent and if her daughter wont talk to her she is going to go to the next extreme, read the personal stuff so she can get the info she needs to get ideas of what her daughter is doing and what she can do to steer her in the right direction

    Last edited by Passion4BskBall; 04-26-2004 at 03:38 PM.

     
    Old 04-26-2004, 03:35 PM   #12
    Passion4BskBall
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    oh another idea is, if she wants to try pot or get drunk or even just to try different drinks talk to her about that, my mom talked to me about that and she said if i want to try anything she would get if for me and let me try it under supervision. she said i cant do it all the time but now and then. but pot, i have no interest, maybe tell her i will let you try it once if u become more honest with me but i have to see the honesty rise before you get to try anything. so you know what she is doing. now def. do not let her do it all the time def. not pot but just so she knows. thats my idea and my mom and other parents i know do that exact thing.

     
    Old 04-26-2004, 03:37 PM   #13
    Min2003
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    Angry Re: Ask another Teen

    hello I am a Mom too with a 13 year old son. I hope it is okay for me to post. First, please remember she is 13---a child wanting to be an adult. Her skipping school should not be tolerated. Warn her that if she skips school again that there will be severe punishment! Take out anything that she values in her room... including the door hinges! You are the boss. Things will only get worse if not handled consistently, lovingly and firm! Please consider buying this wonderful book by Jay McGraw (written by a kid and is Dr. Phil's son). It is entitled "Closing the Gap"-- A strategy for bringing parents and teens together. It is a book that teens and parents should read. Good luck! Sometimes teens need to be saved from themselves! God help us!
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    Old 04-30-2004, 09:23 PM   #14
    Geek_USA
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    Yeah, don't read her diary thats just not cool. Her diary is like her external memory bank, if she doesn't want you to know something she sure as hell does not want her you to learn from the diary. If you do comfront her about it do NOT mention anything from the diary, just get it out of her. Even if you do not get it out of her make sure she knows what she is doing. As far as drugs and such go, well I am in a crowd where we use drugs commonly however she has to know what not to do. I see plenty of girls screwing up with meth and chemical **** like that. Some do not even know how bad it really is, you are not going to be able to stop her from getting fadded off weed or something, but try to keep it at a low. I wouldn't be saying any of this if she was 15 or 16, but wanting to do all that stuff at 13 is sort of young.

    If I was you I would talk to her more. However you said she does not want to talk, so why not try being "girly" with her and doing what she wants, going shopping with her for a little bit and such. Maybe you will not get what you want out of her right away but after a while she will open up to you a bit more and think your the type of mom she can tell anything to. I dunno how chicks are with this stuff, but I suppose they *Can* be closer to their mothers this way.

    Good Luck.

     
    Old 05-01-2004, 02:05 AM   #15
    ThomasJohn5
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    Re: Ask another Teen

    hello I am a Mom too with a 13 year old son. I hope it is okay for me to post. First, please remember she is 13---a child wanting to be an adult. Her skipping school should not be tolerated. Warn her that if she skips school again that there will be severe punishment! Take out anything that she values in her room... including the door hinges! You are the boss.

    Hi,i would just like to comment on the above post and also help as much as possible.I agree that skipping school should not be tolerated but before you tell her how much trouble shes going to be in and all the consequences for it,I would first ask her why she skipped school,there could be an important reason that she will be much more willingly to divulge if you ask her why instead of scolding her for it.For example she could be gettting hur by someone or being threatend.Does she perform well acedemicly?There are so many differnt reasons for not going to school that i think are justifable,so first i would find out why,also ask her what shes doing while shes not in school,is it something illigal or bad? Be her best friend,be open to anythign she says,kids dont due drugs,or other things like skip school,there are always reasons.Help find better ways for her to deal with stuff.

     
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